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Should I stay separate from hubby after going back to India

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Mitaraonew, Sep 29, 2015.

  1. Mitaraonew

    Mitaraonew New IL'ite

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    Sorry for long post.. :(

    I am married for last 10years with 2 kids. Mine was arranged marriage .

    During 1st year of marriage I realized that I and in laws can not get along, the expectations they have from their DIL are not matching to my personality at all .
    I was brought up to be independent and here I was intervened, questioned and interferred in all small small issues..with all the time comparisons with SIL & her life.


    But my husband was quite supportive to me so I somehow carried on keeping myself busy in job. In 2nd year of marriage itself my hubby took overseas opportunity and it was a big relief for me. I even quit my premium job without even second thought ....just to join him there and start our family life.

    In the first 5 years after moving out of country even whenever in laws used to come on visit, with some misunderstanding, different lifestyles, each others habits, opinion differences with I holding job again, keeping maid at home after baby, all the small issues used to bring some negativity, arguments and disturbance losing peace of mind. My own home used to be suffocating for me. My FIL hates me to an extent he can not remain present in the room I am in.

    So finally I decided to put full stop to their visits to live peacefully for last 3 years and put the condition to DH bring your parents only in my absence or else take leave and stay with them. My husband prefers to visit them occasionally and also takes kids for which I have never objected. I never visit my in laws place after a real bad argument with MIL.

    Our relations (me n In laws) over a period of time are so strained that now they are damaged beyond repairs. We do not talk to each other at all. Of course it's affecting my relations with DH and I feel pity for him.
    In this social media world now, every emotional message and fwd now sent to him makes him emotional and spoil my days.

    With this struggle to sustain I am in deep depression and was also on medication for some time. Staying overseas no one to talk openly and do not want to bother my parents makes me suffocated.

    Thoughts come in that I did mistake marrying this guy; may be his image for wife and his parents image from DIL were totally different. But this has made my world upside down. Leaving my parents my identity my job everything I moved away with him to make a home and in his world I feel I am a total stranger. Our world is only there because of kids now.

    His parents are aging now and they kept sending messages how they and SIL (married stays near to them) miss him and the kids. But at the same time keep sending fwd messages and poems that how a woman badly changes man after marriage that he forgets that he is son/ brother.

    My parents are also aging,and I don't have brother. I also think of staying with them and let my husband stay with his parents for old age support. Of course kids responsibility we have to divide between week-day week-end...but this situation will be as good as divorce. I know I am thinking of extremities in unstable mental conditions. but now I feel I can go to an extent of leaving my DH to avoid staying with his parents.

    Neither I want to be labelled of separating anyone's son and grand-kids from them nor have any plans send anyone at old age home.
    but I also want to have my peace of mind and do my duties as daughter.

    Some of you may be asking what about my duty as DIL? sorry I have full respect for his parents but can not stay with someone who doesn't have any value of me in their life and look at me as their free maid to serve in old age.

    I have lost faith in these statements that DIL is like daughter and in laws are like parents.

    we all stay in the same city back home and I also have bought flat in my name with my earnings near my parents area.

    Please suggest me if you can what is the best I can do in this situation. Again Sorry for long post.. :( but I just can not get over it.
     
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  2. Grihani

    Grihani Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Is it possible for you both to stay separately somewhere near to ILs and your parents so that you can be of help to both set of parents? Will your husband agree to that?
    This is the ideal situation, you can explain to your husband about the pros of staying separately. You are not separating him from his family, neither is he separating you from yours. If possible, make efforts to be polite and formal around your in-laws whenever you have to be around them, and not talk about them with your hubby anymore. It will, if nothing give you some peace of mind in your own family. Good luck. It is a difficult situation, but this is how most in-law relations are these days, you are not alone in this.
     
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  3. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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  4. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    I too agree with @grihani. It is plus point now that all ur parents, and in-laws live in the same city, u have ur flat also there. So live in that flat, if needed cook in ur house and send lunch and dinner to ur in-laws by a maid or ur h or kids.
    kids and ur daily routine and kids studies shouldn't get affected because of these tensions. Live peacefully in ur flat and do help his parents as a duty or because of ur husband.

    by the way, r u already returned to India? Make this clear to ur h that u live in separate house but help them like this.

    Ur h can take them to hospitals etc. for functions etc, send kids which u don't have problem it seems but u build ur own friends and relatives and involve kids with ur side family and friends also. So that u will not be left out in socializing part. Involve ur self in kids activities of everything. Be close to them.

    I think ur h is supportive , as he is not forcing them on u but he is visiting his parents alone. So don't fell pressure, live in separate house and enjoy ur time by decorating ur place, spending time with kids and husband. Good luck.
     
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  5. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    You by reading and knowing the messages sent to ur H, u are living in their world even though u physically don't meet them. Let ur husband deal with those. You can't do anything by reading them expecting spoiling ur relation with ur H. And see u spoiled ur mental health.

    U don't worry about what they talk, what they think about you. Do what u think as right for ur family, ur kids are important for you.

    They married off their son, so he has a family now, if they don't like it and say his son is separated from them u can't do anything. it is ghar ghar ki kahani, all DILs named as same. so don't think about them and don't worry to the extent to spoil ur health. Let ur H take care of his old parents by taking them to chekups etc.
     
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  6. Mitaraonew

    Mitaraonew New IL'ite

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    Thank you each and everyone, feeling much better today reading your replies... As of now there are no immediate plans of moving to India but we have to leave from here some or other year if his employer demands (that being transfer)

    Yes I was very excited to get possession of my flat and already had interior decoration plans in mind..Even if I am not working now I have saved funds while working for my rainy days and to have my home as I always want to have. I do not not get that feeling in these rented apartments overseas. But DH is not at all interested in that flat.
    In fact once he mumbled the flat I bought is the root cause to break the homes. It is not home actually just 4 walls for him!
    He has all negative feelings towards it. If I think spending anything on the flat he avoids that saying lets give it on rent at least we will have additional income.
    In fact now he avoids anything to talk related to that.
    I alone did Ganesh Pujan of the flat with my parents as DH refused to join with me on India trip itself.

    Yes he shows he is supportive but from inside he is very upset with me. In fact even after me forcing him to have vacation with kids this year to feel better he avoided as he might have to face questions and gossips of relatives.

    and with this regular fwds and message bombarding from in laws on social media for brainwash mood swings happen at home which we can read on each others face.

    Yes I am living for my kids but will teach them lessons learnt from my life while they are growing up.
     
  7. Mitaraonew

    Mitaraonew New IL'ite

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    Thank you Kashmir flower , Anamika and all you are helping me to come back on track with whatever small things happening now I am dwelling in the past. Its time to breath fresh air and love myself.:)
     
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  8. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    So ur H doesn't like to live in that flat. Did u buy without discussing with him. May be he is unhappy that u saved and u bought and it is not his house.

    If he has negative feelings towards it, does he want to buy another one in the city. are u ready to sell this and add ur husband money also and buy some other one ? find out what he wants to do related to own house in India as some day u have to live in your own house.

    But don't stay separate from hubby after going back to India. if he is not ready to stay in ur flat, rent it and keep the flat in ur name as it is now. But live in rented one or as I said find out what is his plan for own house buying if he doesnot want this flat?


    I too think u should rent the flat when u are not living in it. U can make them vacate when u want to use it.
     
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  9. adimad

    adimad Silver IL'ite

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    Just one thing I want to say - you have no "duty as DIL". You only have duty as daughter to your own parents and your husband has duty as son to his parents.

    Remove this guilt from your mind that you have any duty.

    Also old age home is a good option - I dont understand why it has this negative connotation attached to it. Your husband should take care of the expenses and also visit them from time to time and then old age home is really the best thing as aged people get full time proper care as well as company. Not saying throw them there and forget about them. Husband should give them love and respect.

    In any case dont feel guilty for not wanting to be with them. It is their own doing that you want this. its not your fault.

     
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  10. Mitaraonew

    Mitaraonew New IL'ite

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    KAshmirflower: The flat was bought earlier on his insistence only and he made sure that even if my name is primary his name is also present as secondary. He also admits (of course only to me) that we could buy that without any huge loan due to my job and resulted savings. This flat is more closer to my parents home.

    Somewhere in DH mind he was bit upset that his earnings he contributed to loan to buy a flat before marraige (just next ILS' home) that his Mom had made sure that is in her name, rented it and in arguments with me declared to forget about that flat stating it was never ours and I dont deserve to be DIL.
    It was as if own family betraying...(of course he never ever accepts it openly )

    His parents specially Mom just hated when we took this decision.In response to that she gifted a flat (in both their name)to her daughter in budgeted area with all her retirement fund. It was a heated topic of the arguments between us. She had problem that I am buying space for my own stay with my earnings.

    In fact She did used to mention everyone in front of me however my flat as whole family's new home before big fight. But lastly she declared angrily not even to show up in her last rites when she will be no more..

    Oh..again me dwelling in past...bygones are bygones..only lessons learnt from bitter experiences

    Anyway, I wanted home separately away from them to avoid this zigzig everyday and was never in the competition of building properties.
     

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