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Should I Stay Or Should I Leave?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by seekinghope, Sep 23, 2016.

  1. seekinghope

    seekinghope New IL'ite

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    Long post alert- My friend suggested me to be a part of IL. So, here I am trying to learn what I can do differently.

    Right now- I have a 1-year-old. H4 EAD. Still married. In lat 20's. Parents are giving me the 20% to purchase a house and some to start a business.

    Past- This is my second marriage. Same with my Husband, this is his second marriage too he is in mid 30’s.
    My Husband- He is good at heart(without parents influence) , egoistical, procrastinator, whines a lot, very vocal about everything, hypochondriac.
    Right after 1st month of marriage, there was a job loss . Which kinda curbed all our plans. We had to move to a different state. My Husband has an EAD. As we got married much later after he got his EAD, he uses his H1. He somehow feels he can be doing or having more freedom if he on his EAD. He sees me as his liability that he has had to comprise by giving H4. Compromising on his career.


    My Husband’s family- are dominating people. My MIL lives and breathes on comparing my H’s life to her daughters. She has pointed it out to my parents how different I am. We are not of the same caste or same place. MIL doesn’t realize this is the second marriage. We were trying to get to know each other during the initial phase. She pushed us to have a child. While we were very new to each other. She has an upper hand as my H is terrified of being single and he wants this marriage to work.. in his way. His mother keeps him in control by saying “see the last time you didn’t follow what happened”. I have long accepted my MIL’s role in my life. For my sanity sake.

    My FIL- very sadistic, dominating guy. He speaks just 1 sentence which will be very offensive and hurt in every angle.

    Me- I am not flawless- I have had some major setbacks in my life, which hasn’t given me many opportunities to work. I was working in my first marriage (India). I only got H4 EAD when I was pregnant I wouldn’t be hired only to go on maternity leave and I am no engineer.
    I also had postpartum depression, which made it harder to rebound to the workforce. I have been to therapy for quite some time. Usually, it always goes the same route… Start to work or divorce your H and start over.
    After the therapy, my Husband wants to know everything that I spoke with my therapist. Because of this I stopped going to therapy.

    Yes, my Husband doesn’t beat me or physically hurt me. He mentally tortures me every day. I have to sit, stand, do things as per his say. My Husband has tantrums like a little child if his needs or idea or even something uncontrollable things like the weather is dull he gets upset, angry and makes it very difficult for me by complaining about it non-stop.

    My Husband is also quite controlling- His thought are “ I am older to you, I have lived these things.. I am saying for your best”. Things have to be done his way.To save time, money, experience. But doesn't listen to anything what I have to contribute. I am zilch-zero and makes me feel like I am eating his food... therefore have to listen to him.

    My Husband has insulted me by saying- "I have paid for everything", insulted my family about not having money and shouldn't dream big for people who can't afford things. After he said this- I have stopped going to get my eyebrow done, shop for myself, eat healthy food, shop anything necessary for me.After my Husband has said this. I have repeatedly pointed it out to him, that he has hurt me. My Husband just reasons it out.. he wants me to understand from his perspective.. he never tries to understand what I am going through, things that I do, things that I have put in this marriage.

    My Husband is terrified to send me to India. He didn’t want me to go to India during childbirth, wanted my mom to come. He didn’t want to send me back with her. He doesn’t help around. I have become live in slave. Blamed by his family for all the financial loss, his career mistakes, his procrastination problems. From a larger perspective, my husband is just like my FIL. Asshole through and through.

    Now with some footing that my parents are trying to give. I want to change things. I want to change for better. I don’t want to be abused every day and live according to my MIL.

    Will my situation truly change with me having a business or a job?

    I have thought about getting a prenup signed to secure my money coming in because, it quite a lot and establish myself financially independent and shar the mortgage.
    For this to happen- I am planning to buy a business before a house. So I can share the mortgage. M Husband plans on gifting his parents after my paychecks start to come in. In some of the fights, he has mentioned that I am eating up his share of happiness that he is not able to give his parents. As I have been a dependant I am not sure I will be able to have finances transparent.

    There is also this thought- I want to give him every penny he has spent on me.
    Hire a CPA.. go through our account and split everything into half. Just get that amount transferred to the US and Get a divorce and go to India live with rest of the money investing in India.

    Is this marriage worth saving or should I just cut my loss and go to India?

    I am very confused about my marriage. Is my marriage worth it? I want an equal marriage which comes with respect, responsibility, and transparency or does the battle continue forever?

    What do you ladies suggest me to do?
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2016
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  2. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,

    It is really hard to tell you to go for divorce as this one being your second marriage and you have kid also.

    You will be occupied if you get into a job, but your job or business is not going to change your H.

    I am against to the plan of taking money from your parents while you are in this marriage, because it may make your H and inlaws even more greedy and their expectations will increase. Also there is a chance of they misusing the money sent by your parents. Ask your parents to wait if they really want to help you, and first work out on your marriage.

    You have only two options -

    1. Baring this H and continuing in this marriage. But don't take any financial help from parents if you continue in this marriage. Get a job and keep yourself occupied.
    2. Divorce and move back to India, then take help from parents and build your career / business.
     
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  3. shrivni

    shrivni Silver IL'ite

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    Hugs to you dear! Better leave to India, have the cash there it self, deposit it in your kids name. Go for a job and live peacefully. Tell your husband you dont want to be a burden for him anymore. If he seeks divorce, give it...if he doesn't, live as such.....
     
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Keep the money with your parents for your future.
    You don't owe anything to that man.You kept home for him and gave him a child.He is the one who owes you .
    Divorce him and work towards making the loser pay child support and alimony. That itself will make him even more ineligible to other women .Report the abuse if it helps your case.

    Best Wishes Op.....take care of yourself and your kids.
     
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  5. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    dont bring any money into the county until you solve your marraige issues.First thing,put your foot down and your are not going to loose anything.Anyhow you are ready for divorce.So,if things don't work out and your husband don't want to work it out then you have your way out.

    First step-put your foot down and tell him clearly ,you don't want to live your life that way .period.and go from there.And don't bring any money into the country at this point with one year old kid.First you stablise your self and think about other things.
     
  6. tulip07

    tulip07 Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    You should realize one thing : this is a SECOND MARRIAGE for HIM as well! As much as you think about adjusting/compromising, he should do as well. Just make it clear to him that you cannot live with him and you are going to file for a divorce, then see his reaction for sometime. Observe him. You are anyway fed-up with him and his dominating and ever-controlling behavior. Take your stand and make it clear to him.

    Respect and love are the two most important things required for a successful marriage; and both seem missing here. If you take a firm decision, he will also be pressurized to think about his behavior towards you. Being a puppet at the hands of his parents won't work for long. Parents are not going to be there forever, respecting them is one thing and being a puppet is different.

    Try this before trying anything else like bringing money etc. good luck!
     
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  7. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    I do agree, your marriage needs to be handled carefully. Your DH seems to have issues, childish/controlling behavior/insecurity and seems to be confused in this marriage, same as you. His parents seem to put pressure on him to make this marriage work. So, he is acting weird, for sure.

    Since it is second marriage for both you, give your best try before walking away. I think, if you handled him carefully, your DH can be easily manipulated/persuaded.

    The 'D' will make him listen to you. As others said, keep the money with your parents and if needed, they can write a will to make sure that you will receive the gift later.

    I wish, there is some training given to women before pushing them into marriage, instead of 'sink or swim', learned to live with the newbie. I believe, most Indian women (including myself) know, how to 'pretend' to listen to their H's and then, do as they please. Only difference, some knew how to "act" kindly/politely to differ with others and some openly make "noise", fight! If you learn that tactic, you will master any situation in life that applies to work, family, friends and importantly in-laws.
     
  8. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    @seekinghope I wasn't planning on posting a response but changed my mind when I saw that the generation direction of advice you have received so far points to divorce. I really think that's the wrong choice at the moment.
    I would suggest you stay as it appears that your marriage has legs to survive & there is sufficient evidence to be optimistic that your issues are fixable. 60% of the work has to be done by you - because it deals with boundary setting and showing others how to treat you. The remaining 40% lies in your husband's side and you can bring him around because of the following facts that you mentioned.
    The reason I suggest working on your marriage is this - divorce is extremely painful as you very well know. It's usually worse once you have a kid & end up as a twice-divorced single mom. It's also widely known that kids suffer tremendously short and long-term due to divorce. And I've not even touched upon the topic of custody sharing, child support etc. I am not saying an emotionally abusive marriage is better than divorce. I'm saying that interpersonal problems are fixable & far easier to tackle than divorce which causes intense suffering in women as we are fundamentally emotional creatures. So save yourself & your child this trauma if you can.

    Now to address some grievances -

    This kind of petty, immature thinking is not uncommon. It usually flares up in fights esp in a cases like yours where there was job loss within 1st month itself. So set this aside, forgive your spouse and next time he talks like this, leave the room thereby stopping him in his tracks with no one to rant to.
    Your MIL is the average Indian MIL - nothing new here. Lots of women have such MILs and many learn to handle her using one or all of these techniques
    1. Boundary setting - limiting conversation to what matters & being less reactive
    2. Becoming mentally strong to prevent being bullied/pressured by MIL/FIL.
    3. Keeping physical distance (different houses / states / countries etc.)
    4. Accepting that MILs can't be changed. They can only be managed intelligently.
    FIL issues are to be dealt with similar to MIL. Lucky for you MIL and FIL are in India, so the onus lies on you to learn to manage them effectively. Don't throw the baby with the bath water - i.e sacrifice your marriage because of MILs.

    Now coming to the main item - what to do with husband ?
    This bit holds the key to your problems. Have you fixed your depression ? If not it may cause loopy or foggy thinking, making things appear worse that they are. Get that taken care asap if not done already.

    Next, your therapist indeed communicated the best solution for the situation - i.e get a job, empower yourself and transform your life. When you get a job a few changes will happen in your marriage -
    1. Your husband will see you as a valuable partner & be more careful about not pissing you off
    2. Improvement in self-esteem/confidence - helpful in not giving-in to DH/MIL/FIL pressure
    3. Operate from a position of control than be controlled - you can use your DH's fear of 2nd divorce to your benefit by expressing to him how unhappy you are with his abusive talk and that you can and will leave him if he continues this way.

    You could ask him to join in therapy if he's serious about holding on to this marriage. With some quality marriage counselling to get your husband to cut out the abuse & keep his parents at a distance, some self-improvement on your side to establish stronger boundaries with people - I do think some turn-arounds in this marriage are possible.

    Lastly, please let go of any idealistic, theoretical notions of marriage. Your marriage may not be picture perfect but your objective must be to make it livable. If you're able to have a reasonably well-functioning marriage (without emotional/physical abuse) which allows you to be financially independent, have a decent relationship with your spouse, & provide a good environment for your child - you'll already be a winner. Your problem sources may be constant irritants, and may never go away. You may have to work continuously to enforce boundaries and keep problems at bay. But it's doable and ultimately it's the smarter choice to make.

    Goodluck !
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2016
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  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....I agree with @madras2018 regarding the divorce.Sorry...I got mixed up with another similar thread .I think you can still work on your marriage but you need to take a strong stand for yourself and don't let him throw this nonsense of "I paid for this and that and that you are a burden."
    Ask him if his mother and grandmother were also a burden on his father and grand father.
    Ask him who takes care of home and child.
    Tell him to shut his mouth up and learn to value his wife and marriage.

    As for the rest...the advice stays the same.
    Do not get money from your parents.Keep it as your security with them.
    Try to get a job or if you want to start a business take a loan and start small .

    If you do want to separate...remember ,you do not owe him anything.You did your share in this marriage.Just because he wants to blame you for his unhappiness or anything else does not mean you have to take it to heart and feel guilty.
     
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  10. seekinghope

    seekinghope New IL'ite

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    Thank you everyone for your response.
    My child is from the second marriage. Before marriage there were little bit of comfortable feeling surrounding my husband family. But my parents said this is second marriage these things will be there... not to worry things will cool down after the marriage.

    I have also fought with him saying I will divorce him. My husband will be quite and pretend to change for 1 week. He wont complain or do anything. But later it starts again.
    Before marriage I didnt know anything about h4 or EAD or greencard. Now it is always the talk of these issues. I have told him many times. If it is so much trouble India is also very better... No less than US. We could live every well in India and family is something that cant be replaced.

    Madras- Thank you for your precious advice. I am not depressed anymore. But the constant talk of money, employment, visa is just is very irritating. I don't understand why we should suffer to be in the US if it is so hard.

    My husband wants this marriage to work. He doesn't want to get divorce. I want this marriage to work too. I am not sure if I change will he change?

    Because there is lot of money involved. I am thinking like this.

    My husband is a good guy.. before he got married to me.. he had bought a house and in 1 month of job lose we had to move to a different state. And we rented that house. It was a lose in all corner and we sold it within 1 year. We dint get tax deduction and we had so much money paid in taxes.


    yellowmango- yes, I understand that I dont owe him anything. I come from a good family where these things I have never heard people say. I am so embarrassed about myself that someone is saying like this about me. When I told my parents that my husband said these things they cried and asked me to come to India that instant. My husband refuses to send me to India. he is scared I will file divorce from India. Every day he talks about money but doesnt do anything about to change.

    I dont know even know who my husband is anymore because there is so much disconnect. I have pleaded my Husband to get passport for my child. He has constantly refused to do the passport work.

    As this is second marriage my parents are also very distressed and want me to be happy.


    Poovi- I have done the smile, listen politely. But my husband compares everything with his sisters. If the reaction is not similar.. then he will doubt me on that too.
    He has questioned me previous in legth why I would say something was it meant to be in sarcastic, or was it to offend him.
    I am very tired of always proving myself with him and his parents.
    My Fil especially- has made me stand like a PT teacher and questioned in front of all his relatives about my husband's health.

    Sometimes.. I just feel I didnt even want second marriage. I should have been with my parenst and taken care of them at old age.
     

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