Should i start talking again with ILS....

manisha036 · Jun 26, 2014

Hi friends
I am sorry for this long post.
A brief about my relation with inlaws... obviously not very good.
I have been married since 3 years and me and dh dont stay with ils. we visit them for 10-15 days after every 7 8 months. so the communication means is just phone calls. In initial dys of my marriage, i used to call ils every 2nd day. Slowly they started passing vague comments, i was an innocent girl, i never replied back to them. When their frequency increased, i started involving my dh. But that was a blunder decision. My dh shouted everytime, 3 4 times he gave me silent treatment(5 6 days). i was alone in an alien country, i had no friends at that time, i sulked a lot. My life was no less than hell. Intensity of arguments, fights with dh were increasing. Because of this tensed environment, i slowly reduced my communication with them, i dint felt like calling them and saying mummy ji mummyji everytime. then after an year i stopped calling them completely. After my wedding i have been to india 3 times and their my dh made my life more worse. He also commented a lot just to show his mom. My fil also shouted on me very badly (he shattered my self respect in a moment).
I absorbed everything but my bil and mil's poisioning dint stopped. I am not blaming them, i heard them saying bad words for me and my dh being a bid mummas boy took all teachings and created further distances between me and him.
Some examples for an idea... dont let her go for a job.. she ll go out of hands then, if she dont behave well, let us know, we ll aske the lawyer for divorce. her mom is a bitch, she teaches everything to her. these are 2 3 e.gs. Ahundred more are there.
When i stopped talking they had something in mind that i would go to them for apologies which i dint. My dh too stopped my mil to call me so as to show that i am least wanted in their house.
This went on for an year. I started preparing for an exam, and my dh started supporting me. We bought a condo and there came some problems with home loan and we had to make a huge downpayment to get that approved. i supported my dh at every step.
My dh started trusting me more but still till now he hides every small detail about his family. my ils asked him to do so.
Whatever my life is more or less sound now. Dh tells everything about his office, discusses his issues(accept ils), accepts my suggestions.
A month back my fil said some inappropriate words, which were against my dignity. My dh asked him to stop such things(it was a formality as i was crying).
On this weekend i had a big fight, he apologised and became very sweet then. yesterday we had a discussion where he accepted some of his follys with an intention that i would start calling them everyday, would listen all their craps, would b a loving and cordial dil again. it was his political move
whenever they call my dh and asks me to talk, i talk with them normally. If they need any favour, i do that. i dont run from my responsibilities.
Now my point is, how could i talk lovingly to people who spoiled my life and are consistently doing it.
My dh is constantly pressurising me to call them everyday, to behave like her real daughter which i can not be. i tried my best in initial days and they gave me tears.
One more thing, they are not realising their bad dos, still filled in ego.
how to handle? please help

Nd123 · Jun 26, 2014

Well your life is good now. Why mess it up again?

Only talk to them in front of your husband on speaker phone.

Don't justify your actions i.e. not talking to them. Just stay calm and ignore their requests to call.

beingloved · Jun 26, 2014

You have taken a stand, remain firm on it without sounding adamant. Stop discussing ILs and issues related to them and focus on other aspects of life.

yellowmango · Jun 26, 2014

Ask him if he can guarantee that they will not start the abuse and vicious back biting again.If he can't...then he has no right to ask you to start 'behaving like a real daughter'.Tell him his mom called your mom a 'bitch'.How on earth can you be a real daughter to her?

Iamagoodgirl · Jun 26, 2014

You need to see threads of sweetshweta here .Go read and learn from experience and strategies of her.

pantu · Jun 27, 2014

Please don't mind what I am saying. Just said to your hubby 'your mom called my mom a bitch. So I am a daughter of a ***** according to her. It won't be a great honor for her to listen from me. If she expects me to call her then she has to apologize first.'

MaliniHari · Jun 28, 2014

Talk to them just to avoid clashes. Do not call them up. When DH calls, speak for two minutes. Say how are you all, we are fine, enough. If DH asks, tell him you are not much comfortable talking to them, but you do not want to hurt them or him either thats why u spoke.

HasteRaho · Jun 28, 2014

OP,

Hugs to you and I think you're fine to take the stance you are now. Speak only when necessary (or prompted if DH has called them up) and no more. Don't bother initiating it yourself, don't bother bending over backwards for people who don't value you, aren't appreciative and won't acknowledge it.

Ask your DH to define what a "real son" or "daughter" is, or for that matter, what a "real parent" is.

It took the act of conceiving, carrying 9 months, raising with blood sweat tears and unconditional love over the course of decades to raise you that define a parent. The role of a parent is not simply to exert their control over you, to punish you, nor to put down others.

This is not a relationship where you "fake it" till you make it and everything will magically become happy-go-lucky — especially if the efforts appear to be one-sided. The effort has to be on both sides...genuine and from the heart.

Furthermore, your husband failed to serve as a reliable advocate for you in how to deal with his family or to stand up for you, let alone acknowledge all the things you did right. He has no right to exert his demands on you to act as a real daughter when you have been repeatedly insulted in such a demeaning way when you WERE trying. They even undermined and insulted your parents without reason. That alone would have made my blood boil.

OP, I don't know what your financial situation is but I hope you're able to focus on yourself and the things that you love and make you grow. Whether that's studying, working, volunteering, going to classes..whatever. I hope you have a job and some financial independence. I would, in your shoes, probably spend more time doing those things so that I don't allow my mind to get bothered about such ignorant people.