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should i leave my parents for my husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by nihitareddy, Feb 14, 2010.

  1. nihitareddy

    nihitareddy Silver IL'ite

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    hi there,
    i need some suggestions from you people about my situation.
    my parents live in a joint family with my uncle and aunty.since they don't have any children they considered us(me and my brother) their children. in oct my uncle had expired when i asked that i will go to india to see my aunt he toldno because the kid doesn't have passport. i delivered in june.i agreed and cried my self. after that i came to know that passport was only excuse to stop me going and seeing because he wants me to come to US to show to his mother. if i go to india he knows that i can't come to us with him. i didn't said anything and left that mater there.

    as his wish i went to US in dec to show that baby to his mother and sister. after comming back from US i got a call that my aunt also expired. when this time i asked to send me to india he told for kid visa won't come. when i insist him he told me shut up . after that he stopped taking to me. he just stood like wall not talking.

    if you ask is there gud relationship between my husband and me the answer is no. we are just sharing the house nothing else. he won't talk to me. he will come house eat dinner watches tv and sleep. he won't give me a penny to my personal expenses. in london government will give £190 for pregent women. since we had a joint account my hasband took away that amount also. we don't have any physical relationship. we won't share feelings. he scolds me in a very strange way. he won't scold me directly he will call to his mother switch on speaker and starts son and mother scolding about me so that i can hear. if ask about it we will ask why u are listing to our conversation if i keep quiet again he will tell u r not changing u'r behavior. if i do what he tell then i will atleast talk otherwise he will keep quiet for days. i am feeling like a prison with a bodyguard

    being women u people know how body will be after c-sec. physically and meantally i am tired. my body wants rest. even though i am 25 i am having all sort of problems. after 8 moths also i still have perking pain near stitches. if i told this to my husband he is not understanding and on top of that he is telling if u want to go and see u'r paeents u can go i will think u are dead but iwon't give the kid. he is only 8 months how can i leave and go. it has been 3 years i have seen my parents. already there are 2 dead in my family before 3rd one happened i want to go coz my mom's health condition was not gud or for the sake of this husband i leave leave them forever and be a puppet in my husband hand

    nihita
     
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Nihitha

    Its really painful to even read what you are going through physical and mental pain. My hugs to you dear....

    I have few questions for you...what is it that he fights about? since when do both of you have these problems? after the delivery? or before the delivery itself?? Why and how did the distance grew? any previous fights/misunderstandings due to which he is not able to keep intouch with your parents or wont allow you to be intouch?

    did your parents visit you guys in London atleast? did they see your baby? If not what was your husbands take on this?

    Just based on what you have posted here, I can suggest that pray to god and start putting your energy in recovering from your C section and delivery. Get back to normal health where you can handle yourself and the kid very well.

    Next thing..Are you working ? if not why dont you start applying for a work permit? no matter whatever the job is apply and stand up on your feet. a Bit financial freedom goes a long way, but ensure that you dont put the amount ina joint account.

    I understand your husband sounds and looks like a very egoistic and controlling personality. If you listen to what he is talking on the phone naturally its going to hurt you. So as soon as he starts making calls, exit from that place, put on your ear phones and start listening to music or go away into another room with your kid and start playing rhymesor something, totally avoid listening to his talks with his mom. atleast gives you some peace of mind.

    Next thing is...Did you ask him anytime why he doesnt want to send you to visit your parents? what is it bothering him? If he doesnt like you going alone, why cant you all go as a family n visit your parents and come back? did you suggest that to him?

    Bottomline, we have to understand what is his issue/problem about? where is this behaviour coming from. When you both are not in good terms and living as strangers under one roof that too now with a new born, things have to be handled slowly and it needs lot of patience...he does sound abusive too so please save yourself from any physical attack and do let us know what is your thought on my questions....Take care dear....
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2010
  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    how rude he is.
    i dono about the visa part but i know my cousin who came here from UK when baby was 2 months
    see if you want to go for a vacation and due to some reason if he is stopping you may be thats a kind of acceptable not totally though
    but not when some one is dead at home
     
  4. nihitareddy

    nihitareddy Silver IL'ite

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    thanx for replying me.
    no my parents till now they didn't see me nor their grandson. it has been 2 years since i saw them and comming to my brother i haven't saw him for 5 years.
    now i am british citizen. i can work here. i got few job interviews also. when i told him that i want to do job he even didn't allow me to attend the job interview.
    for everything i have to argue or quarrel with him. that y now i stopped even talking to him. i will do household things and take care of the baby. thats it. on top of that i won't even care about him. for me he doesn't exit. i don't know whether i am doing good or bad. but i got used to that
    thakyou once again.

    nihita
     
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Nihita, if your parents & you are capable of looking after each other and carry on with life then pls leave him.
    When ppl live together 24X7 & see each other everyday, they end up hating each other... hence a break is needed, but how can he not sponser even 1 visit for you in these 3 yrs.

    What is his argument to not to let you visit your home now even after 3 yrs?
     
    sindmani likes this.
  6. srvaug

    srvaug Senior IL'ite

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    Iam so sorry to hear for what you are going through Nihita (( hugs )).
    Its really sad that he is behaving like that.
    1) What is the reason ?
    2) Was he like this when you got newly married or before the baby ?
    3) How did he behave with your parents when you guys were in India ?
    I would suggest getting a job too but again I am not in your shoes. So it would be hard to get a
    child care while you attend an interview(I heared in UK the transportation is really good and you don't
    have to depend on your husband to take you). Ask him to come to India along with you, saying that "lets give a small
    party/gathering and show the baby to all YOUR folks". Once you go to India you talk with your parents, if they are ok
    with you leaving him and can afford you with them(I hope its the case) you just leave that single minded fellow.
    I hear so much fear and helplessness in your voice. I just pray to God that everything goes ok with you.
     
  7. nihitareddy

    nihitareddy Silver IL'ite

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    hi all

    thanks for u'r support and suggestion.
    my parents can easily afford me. in fact there is no need to depend on them i am well educated and capable to support myself and kid.
    i got married at very young age 19. after married i stayed with my parents to continue my studies and he went back to London. during that time my mother-in-law came and stayed with my parents for 1 month. she told that my parents insulted her to my husband thats the reason . after that he never spoken with my parents. after that so many things happened between his family and my family. my parents also told to compromise and live with him.
    but after child birth he became more possessive and started talking rubbish which my parents can't tolerate.
    i can ask something as a mother i don't have any rights on my kid. if any argument come he is blackmailing me i ill keep the kid u leave the house. is it that easy for a mother to leave the kid.
    with all those things in mind sometime i am getting so depressed even if my kid comes with affection and touches i am irritating on him and thrice i beaten him. and i don't want to repeat it again. that y i want to take some strong decision i my life. if in anycase i am bothering u people i am really sorry.

    thankyou
    nihita
     
  8. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    Your husband does not own that baby. You have rights as a mother...your husband is just brainwashing you. Please go to the government social service office and find out what are your rights and then proceed.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  9. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    Nihita,
    So sorry to read your situation! As a mother, you are the first owner for your kid, no doubt! Nobody has anyright to restrict you.
    How rude he is?
    Did you get a chance to speak to him about this behavior?
    Is your MIL is only the problem? Did you put across this extreme behavior to your parents??
    What a nonsense guy, always asking you to leave alone by leaving kid.
    As per post, you are well educated, can't you take the control of your kid's immigration issues and get it done???
    Take the control of your life and stood up by yourself. If things are worsen, get the help of Women rights organzations and Police protection in London.
    No doubt, this guy is simply restricting you from meeting your parents.
    Take care of your health and kid.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  10. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Nihita, first of all stop spanking your child for your state of depression.
    If court asks him howz he being treated, he'll remember the fresh incidents.

    InLaws get humiliated at drop of hat by either DIL or her parents & these memories are hard to wash out, they just get bitter with time. If its become so bad that DH is trying to isolate you from your parents then I guess its difficult to stay in any longer, finally we're never a part of their family & we cut off all ties with our own then where do we go in case of a worst case.

    You have all rights to the child if you can show that you can afford same living standard for your child, you're in a perfect shape of mind and have either huge inherited property or are earning, hence find yourself a job, gather yourself some courage to find way out of this house with his consent.. Since ladies are emotionally weak and reactions/ overreactions are easily counted as unstable state.
     

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