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Should I have another account?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by livelife, Feb 5, 2010.

  1. livelife

    livelife New IL'ite

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    Hi friends, I have come here before to ask advice, I have kept each one of your advice in mind and want to take steps one after the other.I am here again, please tell me how should I handle things.

    Ours was an arranged marriage.
    Earlier when I worked, all the salary used to go to the joint account and DH was the only person who used to access and do all the transactions. I never bothered and was just happy and used to make him feel that he has all rights as I thought only like this I can gain his trust and understanding which is basic for any marriage.

    I had given my email ids password to him in the earlier days of marriage as he wanted it.I was just happy to give it to him when he asked.I had asked his as well, he never gave me, and keeps it a secret even to this date.I never cribbed about him not giving his password to me, as I wanted to make him understand that I trust him what so ever. After one of the major fights very recently I changed my password as I felt he has not understood me at all and he does not deserve access to it.But he accused me and I had to give the password again.

    I want to know few things...
    I got a job and will be joining soon. I will be giving my joint account again to the employer.Should I have another account of my own.Should I join work and later tell the HR that my money should be going to my personal account(which I can create only after joining the company) and then for our expenses shall I transfer some money to the joint account?
    Will you ladies tell me, What steps I should take ? how much you all put in the joint account? How you all go about managing your money?If husband comes up with why did you create another account, what should I tell?

    Do your DH's share their email ID 's passwords with you all?

    Sorry Friends, I know I am not being clear at what I am saying.Right now I feel I don't have the energy to write anything more.please guide me.
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2010
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  2. amihere

    amihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Should I create another account?

    1.Should I have another account of my own.Should I join work and later tell the HR that my money should be going to my personal account(which I can create only after joining the company) and then for our expenses shall I transfer some money to the joint account?


    I would suggest you to have an account of your own and then transfer the money for expenses to join account. Sometime in future you might regret putting all your salary in join account to which you dont have any access to,you never know.

    2.Do your DH's share their email ID 's passwords with you all?

    Myself and DH both doesnt share password of our emails(or for that matter of anything) with each other.We believe in having our own space in marriage and respect that.

    These are just my :my2cents.
     
  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Should I create another account?

    i have my own account
    and i have liberty to use my money and share money with dh
    he knows all passwords ipins etc but i manage my expenses and definitely share with him
    i belive having personal account is good for anyone and use money when you need and so dh
     
  4. Priya_Mommy

    Priya_Mommy Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Should I create another account?

    Its always better to have personal account. Trust should be mutual in married life. This kind of topic has already been discussed in other threads in this forum. Its recommonded to be transperant regarding financial matters but not to the core of giving passwords to do all transactions.
    He neither ask you nor you give him.
     
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Should I create another account?

    Get your own account.. dont transfer more than 50% of your salary to shared account.

    Give IPINs/pwd when needed in emergency, if u've lost trust then reset IPIN/ pwd once the transaction is over.

    Me nd DH dont have a single shared account, we have our personal accounts & all his accnts have his mother as beneficiary & mine as 50% him and 50% either of my parents.

    He's never shared any bank pwd with me.. also I never needed it, but yes a few times email/laptop pwds to check some urgent mail.. I've shared IPINs and laptop pwd... both of us never remember those pwds after the job is over & he's never misused or spying types to me... however the most irritating part is the entire account detail that he narrates to his mother .. the pain point.
     
  6. aswini

    aswini Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Should I create another account?

    1. I have my own personal account. My husband has his. But we know each other's passwords. So it is always transparent.

    2. We both know each other's passwords for all our accounts, email etc.,

    In your case, the transparency doesn't seem to be mutual. So just do it like what he does. If he shares his password, then you do too. If he doesn't then tell him that instead of giving in. Trust should be mutual always. JMO.
     
  7. livelife

    livelife New IL'ite

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    Thank you ladies for your valuable suggestions.
    I went through each one of your replies and understood that it is indeed wise to have a separate account.
    My idea was to do things this way...
    1.Give the joint account right now as its necessary to finish off few formalities before joining work.
    2.Start by job and in the meantime start an account of my own.

    The situation has changed now, the consultancy wants me to give them a business account for certain reasons, so that they can deposit my salary in this account.Since I need to start this account now I thought let me tell DH about my plans of having a separate account and let me start this account in my name only. Wanted to tell him that I will be contributing to the house expenses as required.
    He does not have patience to discuss anything at all in a calm way.His idea was to make this account joint. I just started telling him that I need a separate account.He did not like this idea, so told me "why simply have another account and pay some fees for that too"(I think there is some yearly fees for the accounts right?some small amount). I told anyways we need to have this account, so let me have this business account as my own(I did not have to say anything more,he took over the conversation and also made conclusions by himself.I was wondering cannot we as a couple even discuss something????I see so many posts about DH & wife discussing financial matters).
    He went furious and started off shouting and blaming me. I am a greedy person and that I don't know how to live as a family...
    He concluded for himself that I would keep all the amount for myself(thats not at all my intention, rather I want something for myself thats all...) and give him a little say $100 or $500.He also said that I am not fit to be his wife and would be sending me back to India or he is not going to send me for this job. He even slapped me when he was saying all this. Sending me back to India is fine with me. But not loosing this job.
    Right now I want this job. What should I do?Should I just keep quite for now as job is important to me, and start the account how ever he wants?
    The problem then would be that I would not have the complete freedom to have my salary in my hand. But will have to transfer from this account(he would be aware of everything) to the separate account that I will have to open later on.What would work best for me ?
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2010
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    You can ask your employer to split the pay cheque and deposit it biweekly instead of once monthly. so if they do biweekly pay roll i.e pay roll is run 2 times in a week and 2 pay chques are deposited...

    That way you can ask 1 pay cheque to be deposited in your personal accoutn and the other in the joint account along with your husband.

    This can be done by any employer...so check this option with the employer.

    Having said that...if yourhusband is so serious about this money matter, and seems like you are doing it because he didnt share his account userid and passwords with you!! is it true??? if thats what has hurt you, why dont you put it across to him...let him know how it had hurt you when you gave your account passowrds etc to him and he doesnt share his info and now blaming you and man handling you, doesnt sound good...

    Ask him whats his take on this whole thing...might be nowis the time foryou both to fix this joint accounts issue thing...where either you both share all the accounts and passowrds and transactions and spending...or have one joint account and one personal account andeveyr month a certain amount goes from the personal account to the joint account for the householdexpenses and maintenance of the home and rest of the things...

    Yes certain Men go all wild when it comes to wives money...because they think the wife is using up all his money and saving up hers...and one day she will desert him and run away with her money:biglaugh

    Dont think men cant be insecure...they do feel insecure and also just like us they too get wild thoughts and dreams...

    So have a calm discussion again. ask him what are the expenses / bills he wants you to pay...and thatyou are ready to share the house hold expenses or send a certain % of money to the joint account without asking any questions.This time before you talk , tell him to listen to your point and stop man handling.If he cant agree to what you are saying he can do it in a mature way rather than showing physical strength.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2010

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