should i get a divorce ?Pls suggest...

AkshayaATM · Jul 9, 2015

Hi all,

I dont know whom to ask. Thats y asking here. PLEASE HELP. PLEASE Its a long story, so please be patient with me. Please

I have this worst habit which i am trying so hard to change but i could not. I just cant do anything regularly. Not even one smallest thing. I will manage to stop or be irregular. I am this since my childhood. Believe me i am trying to get out of it. I could not. So for time being i can be sure that i m not gonna change any soon.

Usually big dramatic events in life makes you change these habits. Even after such big events happened in my life i could not. All i could do was to attempt killing myself some 4-5yrs back. As i told i could not do that too properly. This habit has costed my life so badly. I had a nice job, was appreciated for being good at my job, but my irregularity in certain things created very small frictions with my supervisor. I got offer for MS frm foreign university. I took that and quit the job which actually i liked. My irregularity costed me in my higher studies too. I could not finish it. I got into state of depression. i am not bad in studies, just i could not do my project regularly. it was not hard, i did all the work. I even finished the project, but i could not organise anything to just write it down, that when i attempted suicide and gave that up too.
I had a wonderful friend who stood along with me at all these times. Pushed me, supported me, worked with me and did the maximum he can do for me. He was there online when i cried everyday for atleast 3-4 months. But when i gave up he was exhausted and moved away from me.
after all these i decided to start over my life. Thought getting married and taking some time and deciding about the career would be good. So it was arranged marriage. I told my husband immediately before our engagement about these only then i got married.
Due to some issues caused by relatives just few weeks into the marriage itself he was not happy. I did not know what to do.He was not proud of marrying me. He was not happy that i m not working like other wives. He found nothing special in me to like me. I don look great either. I have dark complexion and short. I was very clear of my situation before wedding itself. He said he was okay with everything and he really wants to marry me and requested me to make my parents arrange engagement as quick as possible.
After marriage he became this dominant male who sometimes abuses you and your family. He is a perfectionist, not in his work, but he expects perfection from me. So you have to work really hard in the house to satisfy him(Just so he wont show faces at you).
One day my mom spoke to him about civil services examination and told him i was once interested in that and i have potential(I always scored more that 90%) to make that happen. So i was brainwashed to go for coaching immediately after wedding while he lived and worked in different country. He just wants to show that he made the right choice by marrying me(An IAS officer).
After coaching for 10months i came to live with him and prepare. I am studying hard and revising but he is seeing i am not regular in lot of works. I am trying my best but every small thing he is scolding and showing faces to me. I study all day. But he complains that i don get up at 4.(I get up at 5.30). So i try to get up at 4. i could do that for 1 week after that i could not. He wants me to do all that house works. I do too. But one day i clean in morning, other day in evening but before he reaches home. But not in a regular way. So he scolds. One day i studied till late night and got up late. I did not press his T-shirt, i did press the shirts forgot the T-shirts. Since in morning i did not get up, do the house works he scolded and went so angrily.
He wanted me to go for walking in morning. I did for a month, then i got sprains and then i could not go for a week, then as usual my habit i started going irregularly. So He decides i m good for nothing and every small things i am being shouted at.
Before coming here permanently i came for 10 days twice in between.once for our wedding anniversary and other time. Even then he was only angry that i came taking leave from coaching. Still at those time he bought me lot of stuffs. Used to give his debit card and let me buy things(I never used it still). He was comparatively nice.
But now after me coming here everything changed. Not even one day has gone without me being said how useless i am, How irregular i am. I bad i am. How ever hard i try i could not be either regular too. I just feel hatred all the time. Though i m studying hard, writing tests and getting good scores in test i could not make him believe as i am doing things in a regular fashion.
I am not getting pregnant too. Check with the doctor, So far no prob with both of us. But not pregnant. So i m not good at tat too. He often says how his friends wife are pregnant. It hurts. So i am again useless.
Now a days even without doing anything wrong(Wrong according to him, not actual mistakes) he just shouts, scold, finds reason to tell i m not good. Even if i do really nice things or try hard to make him happy i m being ignored or scolded.Often he brings up and talks bad about my family just to make me angry and So that he could show how bad, useless or idiotic me and my family are. Sometimes he started beating also. I could not ignore him and do my work either. He wantedly comes to me. He sometimes openly says you are my slave and you live according to my rules, else go, who cares...Sexual life is not great either. He just avoids sex his expect on fertility days of my month so we can get pregnant. Unless he is okay i am not allowed to even sit next to him.

I lost all hope.He has completely changed. I don see him changing back and i don see either me completely becoming regular. I don know even if i became regular or became someone he is proud of to show off his friends will solve this.

I just feel i m hurting myself and Him too. Both are not happy. When at times he is nice i tell him about how we are fighting, he says he is realizing too and says lets change. We both try but everything is same. We both could not do anything.
We don talk much either, We have nothing in common we like. I feel hated so much. My ears long for some nice words, a soothing hug. Small appreciations. Atleast not scolding. Small victories. Nothing is happening. Should we just get a divorce? Move on. Or should i endure this for more long time while keep on trying to change me, which i don believe to happen any soon. I do hate myself for this. But i just could not.

I have failed a lot in my life, if getting divorce it will be just one more. Its not new. I know to cry and be hurt all time. So should i go for it.

jaden · Jul 9, 2015

Dear Op,
I am sorry that you are going through all this torture.I have read the entire post and feel your hubby never wanted a life partner but a slave.Seems like he gave you the freedom to study so that you occupy a high position some day and mint money.Its like a money proposition.I commend him for being honest for telling you what he feels exactly in his mind about you.A SLAVE.He is a typical Male Chauvinist Pig.

What he is doing to you is destroying your self confidence in a systematic way.You are better off without him.I have zero tolerance for physical violence.You should have reported him when there were the beatings.When arguements arise people say bitter things to each other which they may not mean,however it doesnt give any right to the other person to physically harm you.Normally people who are abusive get away saying,that the other person caused it somhow.This they do only to self pacify their violent behavior to themselves.But the truth is they are violent by nature and are big bullies.

You need to find out first whether he is really willing to make things work or just saying it for the heck of it.IF he does feel things need to change ,i would suggest therapy (couple councelling) for both of you.It seems he is living in some surreal world of his own ,wherein there are perfect people who do things perfectly.He wants the same for you.Why doesnt he try and do somethings himself??If you are studying ,why cant he iron out his shirt himself??Or this task is way below his capacity and capability??

He does have an exaggerated sense of selfworth and feels that he is superior just because he is earning.Do you really want to live with such a person who keeps on abusing you for no ryme or reason??How long would you suffer this torture and abuse??These questions have to be answered by you to know what is your next step.
PS.Next time he raises his hand please call the cops on him.He needs to learn a good lesson.

yellowmango · Jul 9, 2015

OP,Do you want to become an IAS officer?
Do you want to become one or do you just want your husband to stop complaining?
Does your husband think becoming an IAS officer is like a walk in the park?He wants you to get pregnant and become an IAS officer at the same time? Is he an idiot? If it is so damn easy,why doesn't he try becoming one himself?

If this is not your dream,then don't do it. Your husband will even expect his pregnant IAS officer to iron his T shirts. He will not be satisfied.
Did you like the work you were doing before marriage? If so,go back to it. Do what you want.You are a human being,not a slave.

Your husband is an abuser.He abuses you emotionally and physically. He is a pathetic human being who probably feels big by humiliating others. He will not change .Such people don't change. The only mistake you made was to marry a person who wasn't 'satisfied ' with you as a person. You are not a DIY project,you are a person.

Whether you want a divorce is something only you can tell.
Assume that this man will never change.
Assume that he will never be satisfied with you.
Assume that this is your life for ever.
Can you live with this.Can you grow a thicker skin?
Can you turn back and tell him to shut up and stop expecting a perfect wife because he is not some prize either?
Can you tell him you want to work but do what you want to do and not what he wants?
Can you tell him you are no longer interested in becoming the person he wants you to be?

Think ,think.See what you can live with.

PLEASE do not have a child unless you have decided on your future and your life feels better to you.

Keet · Jul 9, 2015

You are beating yourself unnecessarily. Is it not grave mistake to be irregular on small things, like one day cleaning in the evening, one week missing walking.

But even though you secured 90% marks, even though the project was easy, even though you finished the project could you elaborate why you were not able to organize it. You had hours to cry to your friend regularly (see you were regular on something!!!) but you were irregular to organize your project. Than what is the point of scoring 90%.

If you have to finish you project organizing in say 100 pages in 30 days. Can't you plan to work on 5 pages per day (5*20 days=100 pages). Even if you were irregular for 10 days, you would have finished in 30 days. That too when you are capable and when you have deadline, when you have the fear of loosing degree/job "being irregular" is a stupid reason to blame. Rather I would say you were care less. Not worried of loosing degree/job.

You don't have to be regular on all. Make a priority. Things that get top priority, plan to finish within dead line. If you have to finish your syllabus in 3 months, plan for 1 month reading, 2 months for 2 times revision. Even if you are irregular atleast you will finish reading or even 1 revision.

And regarding your marriage finish your studies, get a job then decide whether you want to be in this marriage or not.

yellowmango · Jul 9, 2015

As for you...I feel you are very hard on yourself and judge yourself too harshly.
You were a good student. You had a good job.
Most people end up with an odd supervisor they don't get along with. It happens to most people .That does not mean you failed. You should have just looked for another job.That is what most people do.

As for your PG ....That is probably the only thing you could feel disappointed about as you are not good with planning.
Work on that.
If you feel you leave things mid way and get overwhelmed ,then divide your work on a short term and long term basis.
Make a plan how you will achieve the long term goal by achievig the short term ones on a day today basis.

Same with house work.
Make a work plan that is achievable .
The house should be clean,it doesn't matter if you do it in the morning ,evening ,everyday or alternate days. Why should he know when you do it?
Divide the house into zones for cleaning. The areas that are used should be cleaned more regularly..The ones that are not used can be done once in a while.

If you find it difficult to follow up on things.e.g.exercise,then find something that you enjoy. Maybe walking is not your thing.Maybe you will be able to do more intensive exercise for a shorter duration at home. Maybe you can start playing a sport that you enjoy. May be you are one of those who needs to keep changing activities from time to time. As long as you are doing some physical activity ,it is fine.
Most of us do not stick to exercise plans and diet plans.It is not easy.If it was easy,most of us would be fitter and smarter looking. Exercising and dieting are a constant battle for most people .You are a part of a majority. Don't beat yourself about it.

Op,you already know your shortcomings ....that is half the battle won.Now just work on getting a bit better. No one is perfect . Don't aim for perfection ,that is very difficult.Aim for workable solutions for your problems.

The only thing that is alarming about you is your suicide attempt. That is pretty stupid and sad. You need to work on your self esteem and also on how to deal with stress better. Read some books,get therapy.Whatever works for you.

Take care

WorkingWoman · Jul 9, 2015

I agree with YM. Do not plan a child unless you are stable in this relation.

yellowmango · Jul 9, 2015

Agree with Keet Op.
First goal...get a job.
If you do want to be an IAS officer ...then work hard and become one.
Don't get pregnant.
Then decide if you want to iron his T shirts or you want to gift him an iron along with a divorce.

AkshayaATM · Jul 9, 2015

I do want to become IAS officer. After started preparing i really like it. I can see a future in that which i could not in other jobs and works i did. But i hate the pressure.

Both him and my parents(They too want to prove this guy that their daughter is not a failure, and she is agreat person) wants me to clear it in my first attempt. I am not worried that i wont clear. But only about what might happen if i don. Will i be pushed out of this marriage,(I will happily get out) but i have to go to my parents n live with them until i stand in my legs. They too will start saying i m no good because whatever i did earlier before wedding.(they used to say those before my wedding). SO i wish to get away from them too, which they are never going to let me.

My parents know all. They do support me. But i know them very well. if i leave him, they will point it out only on me. i have experience in this.

He was not this abusive before i came here permanently. So i worried that is it just my habit made him so. I am worried if my habit is making me fail in life again.

I don understand if its me who is wrong or him. I don keep quiet either. I do shout back if he keeps on scolding. My father is saying i m not adjusting, and i should keep quiet. I don know to make a man good. He is dominant, i should learn about him and make myself compatible to that.

If i complain to my mom, in name of supporting me she makes small issues really big and creates a big problem. So i don have any outlet too.

I am thinking about getting out of every one and go somewhere and just be me, my mistakes, my victories without being judged constantly by anyone, without the necessity to satisfy someone all the time.Me not able to change me hurts me when i constantly judged I do have my own small savings.

deeprapriya · Jul 9, 2015

Hi,

You are under estimating yourself in everything on your life since because you failed in your MS programme. (you wrote abt your mistake for a paragraph which is not a mistake actually.... it happens!!!!)

Your character is perfectly fine and there is nothing wrong about it.

No one is 100% perfect!!!... If you want a housewife to be perfect at household chores, she cannot, because, she has to cook, clean and taking care of kids is really difficult!!!!... If this is the case with a housewife, think about a working woman, obviously there will not a 100% perfection at house holding work.... You are going to a coaching class and with that you are expected to be a house wife and study at home also... so you cannot be perfect at household activities..... If you try that, you might go mad.

My sincere advice, dont under estimate you. You are very good at work and thts why you received an appreciation from your manafe. You are very great(Really!!!)at academics, thats why you got into MS and IAS coaching!!!!... (I can never imagine that)...

Next, lets come to your way working. My points for you. Try to be little more organised.... Write the list of tasks that you want to do for home on a daily. Put a tick mark whenever you complete it. if one or two are not done then definitely fine. Make sure you complete the things that your husband wants you too!!!! Follow the same list preparation even for your academics!!!... (Trust me, this helps me a lot as I am working + I have a toddler at home!!!)... Once you see your completion of each task, you will get confidence!!!.... Take a nap as well....

Next, is your husband. His expectations are too much!!!... I personally feel, its not time for a divorce yet!!!!... Please have a one more try!!!Telling this because, he himself realises that you both are fighting and life needs a change!!!.

So try to fix the areas where he finds faults on you.... If it is everything that you do, just cover the important things that he needs.... If you cover that, he will be happy!!!... Next, the rest of the activities!!!...

Praise him for any simple thing that he does for you!!!.... If he gets you something, tell no one cared about you like this!!!. If he takes you out, tell him, he is good that he respects his wife feelings!!!... this works...

Next, try to talk with him more, not about your fights!!!.... Take a walk with him in the evening or night!!!... go out together.... Prepare good food at home that he likes!!!...

I am not asking you to be a slave!!!... But dear, this is how it happens in many houses....Our society has defined something for man and something else for women!!!... Forget it, you are into a relationship, not dont break it, with out putting your max to fix the gap!!!...

There will be a stage where you can make him realise what he has done till now is wrong!!!.. Be patient till that....

But Be confident.... You are not a village girl!!!... You are well educated!!!!...Men are easy to handle if we know how to handle!!!....

All the very best!!!!

AkshayaATM · Jul 9, 2015

@keet You are right yes, even by being irregular one can finish a project. Problem is since i was not regular, though my professor agreed on my results i could i agree upon my work. Every time i started writing report and comprehend my work i found some else could be done. I could not convince myself as i worked hard. I could not convince myself that my work was worth. I kept trying to organise it better and better and better. I could not comprehend. I kept starting over and over again n again. I did not feel i have done to my ability neither i could convince myself to stop making it better and just write it.

My problem is not find out what is the problem. Its that i could not overcome it.