Should I find him?

Your mom is smart and has made a very good point. If your dad has any type of morals, he should accept you as his daughter and get to know you. But what could also happen, like your mom suggested....

Dad: Could try to put doubt on your mom's reputation, call you or her liars to protect his own reputation. EGO and REPUTATION is EVERYTHING in some Indian families.
Dad's wife: Is probably under the impression that she married a virgin, that your dad has never done a bad thing in his life, because you know... he is a traditional brahmin from a 'good family'
Dad's parents: Will probably say... No no no no no no NOT OUR SON. Our son could NEVER EVER have sex with a white woman, let alone BEFORE marriage. No no no impossible. He is a 'good boy'. (i.e. they probably still refer to him as 'the boy' or 'our son' even if he is in his 50's or higher).

Personally, I feel you have a right to let him know he is your dad, and you should be able to reconnect. Just because he ran away from his responsibilities, doesn't mean the responsibilities arent still there, and I feel he should face the music. However, if he was cowardly enough to run away from a woman he was in a serious physical relationship with, what are the chances that he'll accept it now? It's worth a shot, because then at least you will know you tried your best to know your roots. Just don't get hurt if you are shut out by them. Good luck!

 

KateOguinn,

Welcome :cheers You most definitely can participate in the board and add the American point of view.

As to your problem, you might try to get in touch with your father one on one instead of contacting cousins and such. Also, please don't have high expectations because the reality might be very different given the circumstances.

 

Your father has the right to meet you too. May be he wants too. He was young and immature. He listened to his family. They may not know much about your mom. It is your duty to find him because when you have kids, it will be good to have connection with thier grand father.

I hear that India has changed a lot. Don't worry about your green eyes and brow hair.

Good luck.

:cheers:cheers:cheers:cheers

 

Kate,
we, the IL understand how eager you are to know your root.
Try to contact your father's brother and get all your dad's whereabouts.
Go and see him, you are also one of the indian ladies.
you are so excited to know about our culture,is it so?
it is very interesting and gives meaning of our life.
We are so eager when you would reunite with your father,.
we are praying for you on your search.
All the best.God bless you on this process.
Don't forget to give the updates.
Srims.

 

Dear Kate,
In your posts you come across a very warm, grounded young woman. I am very impressed that you express no anger or rancor toward your father or towards the profound weaknesses of Indian society and culture. Your mother has done a wonderful job with you! Losing her and you was entirely your father’s loss, a great pity.
You mention in your post that your father did not know of the pregnancy. It is conceivable that he mollified his guilt in running away by thinking of your mother “oh she’ll be sad for awhile, but she’s young, she’ll find someone….”. Knowledge of the pregnancy may have changed things, maybe not. Indian society often prizes ‘family loyalty’ over personal responsibility.
If you do decide to seek him out, do so very discreetly. Make contact through an intermediary, give him a chance to get used to the idea. Surprise, shock, fear, embarrassment and shame all have the potential to make this a less than perfect meeting. I second the idea that someone else proposed of finding a mutual chum from the old days at university in the US – someone who knew both your Mum and Dad, who could call on your father as a long-lost friend and discreetly, privately pass along a note from you. This person could contact your father’s brother and locate your Dad. Surely when they were a couple, your parents had some close friends?
Your mother is a strong woman. I think she brought you up well. I would like to believe that she did not choose too badly in falling in love with your father. I am inclined to think that he is a fairly decent fellow, although weak, in the way that so many Indian men with a traditional upbringing often are. It is best to keep the rest of the family in the dark, at least for the moment, so that your father has the time and space to find out who he really is. Age may have brought some maturity with it, but then again maybe not. If the family gets involved, then your father may retreat into his shell of the “Good Son”. Make it possible for him to keep his secret just a little longer, until he is able to find a way to deal with it.
I am very sorry to hear this story. Anyone would be proud to have you as their daughter.
Good Luck!

 

Hello Kate!

I am sorry that my view differs from others. If you are independant and do not need anything from your biological father, I think it would be wise to not go digging in the past. As you say he is from an orthodox family, and since he should be now 50+ years of age, with his wife and their kids, it would be a rude shock to him and sad to say, your encounter with him may not go smoothly. He would want to let old skeletons lie in the closet. he may go to any lengths to dis regard your well meaning advances to meet your father. Like you said, it may shatter the life which he would have built around him now. In the process, this would create an unnecessary stressed out environment for you and your mom.

Maybe, you should let this go.

 

Kate:

My 2 cents: I guess your mother is right, if he did not stand up for her that time, then he does not deserve you as a daughter

Families trying to split up is understandable: we are talking about 30 years in the flashback and the thinking was far more traditional than now-a-days

But if the incident with your brother is as to the precise as explained by your mother, then for sure, your biological father does not need to get the know how of his unknown daugther.

I would suggest, have a happy life and put back the memories to rest

 

I still feel you have to contact your Father at least for your peace of mind. He and his bro thought, they can come here do anything and get away with it. Your Father was no kid that time.

Atleast your mom would have peace of mind if you contact your father and I dont think its a great deal to get contacts of your father, when you know his brother's details (not contact him for sure) and also with the social networking sites its quite easy to get details.

Let your father know that you exist, he cant get away and just your mom having buried all these for 3 decades only she know how difficult it would have been.