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Should I Divorce My Husband?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by nisha86, Nov 10, 2020.

  1. nisha86

    nisha86 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    Background - Ours was love marriage. We have been married for 8 years with no kids so far. H is brought by his mom since his father separated and remarried. Our marriage was done with only his side.

    Our marriage happened without my parents knowledge. They were invited for reception. My parents were not happy with my love before marriage because of his background (his family wanted us to wait 4-5 years for marriage) and he had lots of responsibilities(nearly 40 lakh needed for his sisters marriage). Later they also came to know about his dad which was the final nail in coffin. After college I got good proposals from relatives who were rich (Out relatives are quite rich and mostly into business ). Our family was doing OK with my maternal side support so my parents wanted me to get into good family and have good life. This is very common in our families where girls get married early and to good families.

    My husband wanted to marry me so he said many things about my marriage proposals which according to him was right. ( like such rich family accepting normal class then guy must have some problem, age gap of 6-7 years too much but common in our side, engineering should not marry MSC ,your parents are trying to trade you for money). I too thought what he said was correct and just followed whatever he said. But now, after age and seeing the actually reality I understand my parents were right. His views too changed when he started searching groom for his sister marriage, I now feel he has manipulated me.

    After marriage, my parents faced huge humiliation in society, they had no place to stay n lost some financial assets during this confusion(which he said I should not trust). But it was true. My younger sisters marriage was also delayed. I started talking with my family after few years and started feeling guilty for all that I have done to them.

    Meanwhile I was providing two years financial support for his sisters marriage and he was giving all his earnings for first 4.5 years of marriage . Also he decided not to have kids until his sisters marriage and hubby was trying for top government jobs too. Once he cleared, I thought now we can try for kid but he kept postponing for next 1.5 years. Then finally I went off my head and fought with him for child. But he started giving reasons saying during fight men can't have intercourse as we had started by then, I took the most painful tests (for which he said we need not have kid if you have to undergo such tests). Once in a while I had some urine infection which got better later and it was trivial for pregnancy. But he went and said my family that I'm not cooperative while trying, he didn't have urge to do and I have medical problems. At one point he was projecting to families that I have pschological issues towards my hubby and said I should not try baby for minimum 6 months. Neither he or his family showed interest for baby. MIL or his grandparents never enquired about kids.

    Few times during our fights I have talked bad about his family (broken family, not much relatives, orthodox, they don't like to socialize). This was out of my frustration when he didn't respond for baby but I never said to hurt him. I asked me to leave his house immediately and created huge scene. We fell apart in the last few months and now I completely lost trust, love and everything in marriage.

    I was happy go lucky girl with completely different mindset. Though my husband is good as a person, every other thing is negative in his side. Different mindset, none accepted me in their family though they don't humiliate me, no relatives from his side apart from his mother's siblings, unmarried sister, MIL responsibilities, no kids . My hubby has no proper financial backup and we have to start from scratch now. I'm not interested in working in long run but he wants me to work. I have always taken care of me so far. Now Im scared where my life is leading too. I feel very empty, lonely and have lost my life because of this marriage.

    My parents are advising me to remarry and they feel my hubby is not right for me. When they heard him talking and his complaints my parents could not take it. They have seen a guy within our community and their family is interested too (Divorced love marriage and he is from good background) . But I'm unable to think of another marriage and my situation with hubby is bad for last 3 years and not able to move on. If we try to sort out, he comes with various conditions his family first and many others things. Though he never does any of these things. Should I move on and divorce.
     
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  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    You should analyze the other guy and ask your family to do that analysis or research for you.

    But how that guy side know already you are going to leave your H? Your family already searching for suitable match for you
     
  3. nisha86

    nisha86 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your suggestion.
    Yes. My parents did that. We had a major issue in July and my hubby left me in my parents home and asked my parents to care of me. There was no call from him for a month. My hubby accepted for mutual divorce a long time ago. Since there was no correspondence after that my parents reached out to relatives for suggestion. Then we got to know about this family and they knew my history through my parents n relatives also know that am not yet divorced. I got scared of another marriage n reached out to my hubby and came back to our home. Nobody from my husband's family reached out to my parents for reconciliation after he left me in parents home. So my parents are worried.


     
  4. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    First to leave the H home. Think through all options. if you decided to divorce, then do that. Take time to strengthen you and for a happy you
    Then meet the other guy understand then marry if you like him
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    I think when one is ready for divorce in every aspects, they won't ask this question. They proceed with their own decision.

    I would caution you about the haste with which your family suggests you for second marriage. First of all,they dont like your first husband and its a great opportunity for them to correct your mistakes ( also for them).
    You are not divorced yet, but jumping to another marriage soon is not the safe way to proceed.
    The groom you are considering is already divorced, so he has his set of baggage.. Need a detailed background check and collect reasons for his divorce. Also check about in laws. Because most of the women in India walk away only when there is no other way forward. If you like that person try to explore further. Give atleast 6 months gap from engagement to marriage. Also be very clear about what you want. If you work. how you want to proceed after marriage, do you want to stay with in-laws or not ....etc..

    You need a break to heal yourself. You have to lead a happy single life for sometime before committing to another marriage. If you are not, you can't bring anything to new marriage. So if you are ready , go for divorce, take your own time to start a new life with someone.
    Never fall into the emotional trap of anyone including your parents. Its easy to get manipulated. So wait till you are really ready. Say yes,only when you are 100% ready and confident about it.

    Are you done with your first marriage? If not,you can definitely call and ask your husband to have a face to face talk with him. Your husband seems to be a good person but trapped in so many other things. So its important to get a closure on this. If he dont want to be in this marriage, you can't do anything about it. If both of you want , you can reignite sparks as it was a love marriage. May be with the help of a counselor or by taking effort by yourselves. But you have to be very clear on what you want and be firm on it,if you decide to go back.

    Its your life, dont allow others,including your parents or first husband to decide anything for you. Do what you think is right for you. Think about all aspects and take a decision. Its your life, your decisions. No one is going to take responsibility when you suffer.

    Take your own time. Good luck
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2020
  6. vaas

    vaas Bronze IL'ite

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    Can i please remind you that we are in 2020 and not in 1920?
    You sound very immature. First of all, how can you discuss about ur alliances with ur current husband 8 years assuming u were already in love.

    u got so many hints to do the right thing which is leaving ur husband and ur not taking them. Ur husband agreed for mutual divorce and did not bother to call up on you after he left u at parents home and you went back to him begging to take you back... come on girl. Dont you have any self respect..

    sorry if i am rude. It really hurts me to see educated women like you behaving like this. If u cant respect urself, nobody does
     
  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't know what it means - your boyfriend was advising you about alliances? What kind of relationship it - how can 2 people in love talk like this?
    Sorry but this paragraph shows you are really immature...you need to introspect deeply about everything.


    Please think and analyse properly , dont jump into remarriage . I felt you need to become more mature. And don't blindly follow parents/relatives/anyone - do what is right for you.It's your life.

    I agree with @DDream :- "Are you done with your first marriage? If not,you can definitely call and ask your husband to have a face to face talk with him. Your husband seems to be a good person but trapped in so many other things. So its important to get a closure on this. If he dont want to be in this marriage, you can't do anything about it. If both of you want , you can reignite sparks as it was a love marriage. May be with the help of a counselor or by taking effort by yourselves. But you have to be very clear on what you want and be firm on it,if you decide to go back.


    "
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2020
  8. nisha86

    nisha86 New IL'ite

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    There is a confusion here. My husband does not know about this family or the new guy. I was talking about the proposals I got before marriage and Husbands view on them. These proposals were a decade back when they started searching my alliance.


     
  9. nisha86

    nisha86 New IL'ite

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    Thanks.

    I too believed my husband is good and have been holding this marriage for a long time. But in recent times, I am seeing a lot of difference in him. He is very particular about not spending on me which btw he has never done before ( now stopped working from few months). I saw him searching in internet how to avoid paying alimony during
    divorce. He always says that his mother is his priority. We are now living in a new state away from our families. Before marriage my unmarried SIL was living with us for 5 years. When he got transferred to new state he wanted to check if he can bring his sister with us . Then we decided sil coming to new state will not work out because of groom hunting. SIL is 30. Since their parents are separated he will have to take sisters responsibility if she is unmarried (she is working). There is no trust between us now.


     
  10. nisha86

    nisha86 New IL'ite

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    There is a confusion here. My husband does not know about this family or the new guy. I was talking about the proposals I got before marriage and Husbands view on them. These proposals were a decade back when they started searching my alliance.
     

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