Should I Confront My Mom?

Wonderful post. Very well-articulated.

I know this is a silly question, but is it mandatory for you to stay with your parents on your short visits?

Perhaps you could check into a nice boutique hotel and you could visit your parents whilst leaving your wife to her own devices. Why is it necessary for her to interact with her oppressor?

She can then be in charge of her own activities, eat to her heart's content, control her bodily movements and decide who she wants to spend time with.

I realise this is a Western solution but I really can't think of anything else.

Good luck and I hope you succeed in solving your quandary.

I really feel Indians must stop "adjusting". It can be quite harmful to one's mental and physical well-being.

 

I am glad; there are husbands who think like you. This forum has so many women crying their heart out every single day about their MIL problems & how their DH don’t support them or expect them to tolerate it all..

For a change, seeing the whole situation from the H's point of view is good.

Now about your questions!

1. This is hardest part, my MIL is exactly the same. But when we visit India we already have too many things to do. So my DH mostly, very politely, sweetly brushes off things that can wait, things that are not important. I don’t intervene at all, since I know its better done by him than me. When I say I wont do it or it can wait, my MIL gets mad about it.. lol

He also says "we are here only for a short time" and he wants to spend quality time with family, doesn’t want everyone working all the time.

2. I have exp this too, men of the house are always served first, left over is for the women. You can insist of eating together, just pretend you want to serve food for your mom. That way even if there is shortage the food is divided equally, no body gets very little to eat. OR/And ensure there is good amount of fruits, quick snacks or "something to eat" all the time (if you go shopping with mom or wife). So that every time there is shortage, they at least don’t starve.

3. This is something your wife & SIL should work on, building trust in her is imp. But i guess their insecurities are hard to deal with, they never want to loose control over the family, over the sons, etc. So ask your wife to allow your mom to lead everything (one less work/responsibility for your wife).

SILs spending time together is a must, their bonding is also important, since you guys are on short visit. "Ignore" is the only mantra.

4. I can imagine your state here. I strongly feel, when something is wrong it is wrong, there is no two way on that, remember your son/daughter is watching how their mom is treated and what are you doing about it. If its pity issues, let it go. But if its something that has to be addressed, then it HAS to be. You have make that choice.

5. Like a lot of mothers in India - my mom & my MIL fit in too so I can relate. But message has to be delivered. Be tactful with her, & don’t forget to add tons of love while you do that...

6. May be your dad supports her only because he doesn’t want issues with her. May be he also thinks like you. Have an open conversation with your dad, I am sure he will understand your POV.

7. Visiting home is best part we all look forward to, & if your wife feels terrible at home, its just not good. Do your best to support her, try & help her. Prioritize things, prioritize people to meet, where you spend your time, with whom you spend it.

"Make it clear that you guys are there for a short time & you wish to do what you want in this time.."

Nothing can change your mother nor your wife. Its a hard place for you to be in, you love your wife, you know your mom is not completely right in her behavior. All you can do is just try and balance. Think & act, EVERYTIME!

Having said that, you need to stand up for your wife when u think its really needed.. No one can adjust forever, everyone have their threshold..


Good Luck!

 

Maybe you should try to do what my husband usually does. He doesn't talk back to his parents, but he makes them understand that he is fully by my side. If I wear a dress my MIL finds too revealing and she tells me about it, my husband says "This dress looks beautiful on my wife. She has an amazing taste". If my MIL complains that I make my husband work at home too much, my husband says "An adequate modern man realizes that he has the same responsibilities as a woman when it comes to household chores and taking care of kids. I am doing my share of household chores". When my MIL complains that I don't know how to cook, my husband says "By the way, a week ago my wife made .... and it was the most delicious thing I ate in a while". So he doesn't directly disagree, but doesn't ignore her behavior at the same time. And it makes her quiet instantly. She rarely says anything negative to me nowadays, when we visit

You never make your wife eat scraps. You take her out and you eat as much as you want together. Or, even better, you give her your food. Most MILs can see their DILs eat scraps, but not their precious sons, so next time she will make enough

 

I love that ! And here I was beating myself up for not being adjusting enough! But isn't it a big dilemma, if you adjust , you make yourself mentally & physically sick because it's against your beliefs & if you don't, then you guilt yourself for not adjusting, because apparently some others can & then you feel horrible about yourself! What should one do? @Sandycandy @Sunshine04
Op , will give you a detailed response, not trying to digress, just a related question that I haven't found an answer for.

 

@WiseAgnes


You never make your wife eat scraps. You take her out and you eat as much as you want together. Or, even better, you give her your food. Most MILs can see their DILs eat scraps, but not their precious sons, so next time she will make enough [/QUOTE]


I so agree to that! LOLOLOL

 

Op, I applaud you for taking the first step of raising this question on IL as it clearly shows that you are willing to do something to fix things even though it is complicated due to the relationship dynamic here. Also, the narration clearly shows that you believe that wife is going through somethings that she shouldn't & this acknowledgement is in itself a very big step. Having said that here is what I suggest for some of your questions:

You can ask your wife to do the foundational cooking. By 'foundational' I mean, she can measure and keep the dal & rice cooker & let MIL do the tadka. That way she can decide the quantity. She can decide how much vegetable to make and chop it for her and MIL can do the cooking / preparing , so MIL has to make that much. That way she can decide the quantities to be made.

@BeingSoulful this one bugs me a lot too & on several occasions have suggested that we all eat together. I hate the unequal treatment !! am glad to know I am not alone..

Even if you tell her? I have seen that if sons tell their parents, then they are more open to listening than if DILs told them to do anything. Maybe you can privately talk to mom, so she doesn't feel exposed or embarrassed or conspired against.

I think you should try to talk privately to mom (if you already haven't), if you think she won't get too upset or get too hurt or make a big drama. If you think she will, then continue with the ignore/adjust approach that you are adopting since you guys are there for a very short time. But she / you should fix the food issue, that's not something wife should have to live with even for short time.

I am going to tell you that these issues are way too common than you think and the I have felt that living through some of them is hard, even though it is for a very short period of time. But, I guess wife needs to keep the bigger picture in mind ... ask her to think of this every time something happens:
For how long do I have to live with this?
Would I be happy in the long run about my behavior if I created a big hue & cry about small things here?
Should I be upset for events that happen over a 15 or 20 day period in a year or 2 years, that's 2.5%-5% of the total time? Is the heartache worth it?

She will know the answers then..By the way, I am still learning and practicing to keep the above in mind, haven't been able to do in the past.. So, its not easy.

 

Op, As much you articulated all the minor and major aspects of your visits to you mom, don't you think these short visits will have long term impacts. Trying situations like these visits will impact how your marriage works. The point is you refuse to see your wife's point of view in her eyes and do something about doom and gloom bought in your visits. As much as how colorful and depth is there in your post about how your mother is and her relationship with DIL's, have you done anything about it. Absolutely not. Like almost all glorious Indian men you told your wife to adjust. Well of course. Why not.You can think about how you responding to your mom in normal way and defending wife will have on your mom and thereby you dad and your relationship with them.

What about your relationship with your wife.Have you thought about what these visits do on long term relationship with your wife?Let me give you an example. I too live abroad. I went to India when my MIL fell sick.My relationship with IL's is not strained but very cold.Anyway my hubby's brother ( don't want to call him BIL) called me a foul name. My MIIL was just discharged from hospital and I was in a few min ready to leave for the airport. I didn't want to make a scene in front of MIL who was recovering. But my hubby didn't say one word to his brother. That pissed me off and it been more than 5 yrs and I still tell my husband he was unfair. There are many times hubby didn't defend and even though my visits were short, I feel its impacted my relationship with husband.

So don't be sure your marriage will pick up like DDLJ after such visits to India. They have long term impact. Now I don't look up to hubby for defending me. I just do it myself.It has come to a point where I don't talk to IL's at all.
Your wife will only think you are unreliable in defending her in trying situations. What does this prove? It doesnt make you a hero.It makes you a coward. Your wife eats scraps and you sit by and watch it. Will you eat scraps for a day and say forget it if wife had a 5 course meal. You will curse her in your mind. You have to draw the line somwhere. How hard will it be tell your mom lets eat together and ensure wife eats enuf. If your wife wants to meet your SIL make a plan for them to meet for lunch outside. Seeing how your mom reacts you can inform her after the meeting.Time for you look into your relationship with wife. Good Luck.

 

It's really refreshing to see a Indian husband that is trying to understand and find a solution for his wife's ill treatment at the hands of his MOTHER! Holy moly, someone pinch me .
However the one thing that really really upsets me is that you have been a silent spectator watching your wife eat scraps. There is nothing more inhuman than to deny a living breathing person food ! Nothing ! I am surprised that your wife has even put up with that, I would have thrown a massive hissy fit and not stepped foot in your parents house . So YES! A BIG YES! Confront your mom in private ! If not, don't subject your wife to such inhuman behavior . Give her the respect she deserves !

 

So true !! Would love to hear umanga's thoughts on this !