should i ask him

shakira123 · Jun 14, 2014

Hi,

My parents are here for my delivery in usa and as of now thngs have been fine .. other than small hiccups i am able to manage both parties without much problems ..

my relationship with my ils is fine .. except for some argumnets when i was in india .. not too big problems ..but they always have been critical towards my parents .. whatever they do .. my ils and my dh find fault with them .. so i have managed to limit their meetings till now..
my dh is caring but a typical husband.. he is the usual indian male with his huge ego problems and very reserved kind.. i know he wanted to get his mom for the delivery but due to my insistence he agreed to bring my parents for delivery..
he doesnt talk much to anyone except his sis me and his mom..
he is not a social person..

yesterday i have seen his wassapp casually and saw this conversation with his sis:

sil: how are your new relatives..(meaning m y parentss)
dh: gud jus goin on
sil: surprised
dh : y
sil: u usually dont like anyone rite.. just surprised that ur getting along well wid them

dh: ya thats y i said just goin on..
sil: hahaha lol

this meant that he doesnt lke my parents but he is adjusting..
I felt really bad seeing this message.. my parents have been very cordial since the day they have come and they are not interfering in anything.. minding their own business giving us ample privacy..

this is the first time after my marriage that they are interacting so much.. as he has moved to usa after 2 years and in India also he was working in a diff place..
I have always been very cordial with even his extended relatives.. and i call them all even from here to wish on special occassions..

I always felt his family is my family too even though i had faced a lot of trouble during initial days of marriage.. after seeing the messages on wassapp.. I felt really hurt.. Should i ask my dh about this or should i ignore things and make peace with the situation??
Please give some suggestions..
I dont expect my dh to become close with my parents but I dont think they deserve the indifference ..that too criticising with sil

Rise · Jun 14, 2014

just leave it ... dont pick a fight on it.... your sil's message reminds me of The Vamp SIL in hindi serial -- "Accha bhai aap badi asani se un se gulmilgaye...."

yellowmango · Jun 14, 2014

Leave it.If you bring it up...it just might mean more irritation between him and parents while they are with you for your delivery.

If it really irks you so much.....keep distance from that sil who seems to like stirring trouble.

bluebanana · Jun 14, 2014

Leave it dear. I can very well understand that you are feeling bad but you can't change his feelings for your parents by asking.

chocolate · Jun 14, 2014

Op, Your hubby seemed normal.Didnt nitpick or do anything to stand out. On the other hand your SIL seems to be a troublemaker. She is trying to create problems when its not there by picking and probing. See to it that your husband isnt left alone with your parents as much as possible.That shud solve everything. Good Luck.

HasteRaho · Jun 14, 2014

I realize how hurt you must be, OP, especially if your parents have made an effort and so have you. But it sounds like it was a little private, humor-laden vent or jest. Try not to read into it too much and compromising your own peace of mind.

You are an open-hearted and wonderful individual to treat his family as your own and gracious in calling his extended family to let them know you're thinking of them on special occasions. When that sentiment seems like it's not reciprocated or not genuine, then yes it's difficult but that should not be what drives you to be good towards his family. You also can't create genuine love or respect in anyone's heart for someone else.

My personal thoughts on this are that you continue to do what you feel is right without basing it upon the others' actions. I would also encourage you to take a family trip somewhere with DH and parents even if it's just a simple picnic outing to a nearby scenic location. Try to set up some way that will allow your DH and parents to bond. Slowly maybe your DH will come to genuinely appreciate them with sincerity.

Also, be an advocate for your husband towards your parents and vice versa. While I would not bring up the whatsapp conversation itself, because it would imply you're snooping and taking insult to his conversation with his sister (who may be biased towards her parents and their previous critical opinions of your parents but realize that she doesn't know any better if she doesn't know your parents well personally), I would make sure to be communicative with him to ask him what he thought of the time he spent with your parents, tell him stories about your parents where they went the extra mile for you/someone else, or that his parents complimented something about him, or if there was something he did for your parents...that you/your parents really appreciated that. To your parents, share the good things that your DH did for you/them, too.

I would also keep an open line with the sister, too. It may be that she's only hearing negative things from her parents when they complain or criticize yours so she has a flawed perception of them. You can even invite her to spend time with you all, too, if you both get along well.

But remember, only be good because you want to be and if you think it is the right thing with minimal expectations.

Hope this helps Good luck!

Akanksha1982 · Jun 14, 2014

Just leave it. As your DH is reserved anyway, it will be difficult for him to mix with your parents. Just focus on your delivery. Make sure that you are always around while your DH and parents are together.

Maybe he is like this with others (except her sis and mom) and her sis knows that and hence the conversation. So don't read into it too much.

kanthtx · Jun 15, 2014

just ignore it... he might have stated that to ur SIL, so that her ego can be satisfied... u don't know that...

just be normal with ur IL's ... reciprocate the same way as he treats urs.. just tolerate them...

when u lower ur expectations from ur DH and IL's that they will be truly friendly to ur parents, then u will be fine... just ignore it...

anmolhai · Jun 15, 2014

I agree with everyone....leave it....let it go. Everyone is adjusting and being cordial to each other so I will not pick on it.
All the best

swapna26 · Jun 15, 2014

Hi dear,

As others say, just leave it. You know something, in the complete conversation your better half didn't say that he is waiting for your parents to move out or he feels disturbed or anything negative. It was just an casual answer to your sil. Don't take it your heart. I know it's hurting. But he loves you so much and he has so much of respect for your parents that he didn't express anything out. Things will change. Don't get upset. Just forget, think all positives and move on.. :thumbsup