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Should DH visit SIL or not?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by amalady, Apr 19, 2010.

  1. amalady

    amalady New IL'ite

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    Dear ladies,
    I have been reading the posts out here and taking advices, though I have never written before this. I am a working professional, married for 7 years.
    I, DH and lil one of 4.5 years live together in our house, in the same city as my in-laws. My FIL passed away long back, and MIL stays with younger BIL, his wife, and lil one of 6 months. I have a sil too, who is settled in US, with her family (She does not work.).
    I have issues with my il-laws, though they arent too serious, and always go there/ meet with them in my DH's presence, because of their peculiar nature (MIL's) of making up false allegations and stories.
    My DH is to travel in May, to US for 3 months.
    My sil had been here for 4 months, with her daughter (she went back in April first week.)
    The last time my DH went to US (work-related), he had been to sil's house too (He had been to Pheonix, and she stays in Illinois.), and she tried creating a lot of misunderstandings between the both of us. Otherwise my hubby's siblings have not been close to him at all. After my sil leaves to US, its like we totally have no contact with her/ her family.
    My question is, do I need to request him not to visit her? It may be my insecurity, but, I dread she will again try to create misunderstandings between us. As is, our marital life has not been too good, and for the past one year we have been kind of happy. Also, he has not yet told me whether he plans to visit her or not.
    Please advise?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 19, 2010
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Rgdg DH's US visit

    Don't tell him what to do, it will just create an unecessary storm. Instead of worrying about outside forces on your marriage, work on building up your relationship to a point where nobody can knock it down. You have a month before your dh leaves for US... in that month make the most of your relationship so that when he's away from home, he remembers the good things about you. If you send him off on his trip with a kiss and a smile and keep silent about his stupid sister, she will look like a fool when she tries to talk negative about you. Now if your husband is then a fool to believe anything she says, is a different story.

    Don't ask him about his plans. Don't tell him who to see or not to see. And make the month before he leaves the best month together yet. That's my advice. Good luck.
     
  3. sk07

    sk07 New IL'ite

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    Re: Rgdg DH's US visit

    hi,

    read ur post, the best thing at times is just to watch rather than to comment them, just watch and be silent , dont tell him what he has to do??some guys intentionally do things if we tell them no to do, so its better to just send him without saying anything, hope he will understand u soon.

    regards,
    kamakshi
     
  4. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Just let him do what he wants.If she creates issues ..address them at that time.

    Take Care.

    FL
     
  5. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    amalady,

    Requesting your DH not to visit your SIL will just be a short term solution (with side effects). A long term solution would be to create a strong bond of trust and understanding in your marriage through open communication.

    For now, encourage him to go to your SIL's place if time permits and if he wants to go. At the same time, remind him how misunderstandings were created last time, and ask him to be on the lookout and not to blindly trust his sister.

    Good luck!
     
  6. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    I would just say dont tell your dh whether he has to visit his sister or not.Leave that to him.You just tell him that he has to support you if she talks something about you.
     
  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Amalady, if you dont want to be labeled as a control freak then avoid dictating to your DH what to do & whom to visit... especially his side relatives.

    let them bitch & bitch.. once they realise that you dont fret over it anymore it shall get over... about the problems created probably you can work on a disaster recovery action plan for it... certain natural calamities are inevitable, you can isolate yourself & issue warnings to others related to you.. .however if they love to get into danger zone then all you can do is be ready with first aid.
     
  8. amalady

    amalady New IL'ite

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    Hello all,
    Thank you so much for your replies. I have decided not to discuss this issue with him at all, and shall let him do as he pleases.
     
  9. amalady

    amalady New IL'ite

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    This is in continuation with my last post, clicked a Submit by mistake, before completing my post.
    last time when DH was in US, I was in a city away from ils and parents, along with my daughter who was 2 then. I was wrking, and once a month used to visit our hometown. When Dh visited SIL (only for 2-3 days), she and MIl were on video chat, and they casually began by telling my daughter does not resemble me or DH, or any other relatives that they can think of, and so, asked him to be cautious of where i go and what I do. He got angry, but just mumbled something. SIL said, many times she was concerned abt my safety and rang me up after 9 pm, but the phone was never answered. Those days, I used to take DD to nearby park/ walk and was back at home at 8. I used to sleep early, as soon as DD sleeps, as there was nothing to wait for. My Dh was completly informed of where/what/how/when of all that I did, and I always carried my cell with me. So, DH told SIL to call me on my cell, if she needed anything, for which they labelled him as "hen-pecked". Apart that, SIL called me up and asked me to save money, and not to waste money on US calls. She also told me not to disturb DH at all, or else he will not be able to work well. So, I was to mail her, if I needed to convey smthing to DH, and she would call him and tell. She also told me to make Dh agree to the same, and talk to her and ask her to convey things from his side too. For this I said a big NO, and said that I knew hw to save, and she need not bother. From then, it was only a formal "hi bye" relationship with il-laws, especially her. Dh also felt bad abt the whole thing, and has withdrawn a lot frm what he was.
    So, this time again, am a little anxious of what might happen.
     

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