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Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her own?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Nithya001, Jan 30, 2009.

  1. NandiniGG

    NandiniGG Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Hey Nithya,

    I am happy you respond to my reply and shared your mind with me.Thank You.
    I saw that you live in CA and the cost of living is pretty high in California.But still your husband's attitude is wrong and its not a small issue to neglect.If you don't handle it now...its gonna same all over your life.
    The best way is talk to him.Tell him what you feel.
    As far as going to India is concern...you can tell your parents that your career is important and you are getting very bore so you want to join some work for a couple of months just to upgrade your skills.Don't tell them everything.First search a job then when you get offer go there...or go for some course in india as they are pretty cheap out there.My sis also came to India for a 2 month course.My other frnz also do so.Nobody gonna question.There are consultants in India too who train you and then place you.
    You can tell your husband the same that you are not having a good time here so you want to work.
    I know courses here in America are too expensive but in local community colleges they are comparatively cheap.See if you can join them.
    You can join some H4 jobs.look for local consultants in your area if they can get you H4 jobs.There are HR jobs in desi consultants offices also...
    Try try and try.If one way doesn't work out try another way.
    1 more thing...if you go to sulekha.com there in training ans job section in your area you can look for courses.They apply for your H1 also if you promise to work with them for 1 year or 6 months.It depends.You just have to pay for training and they say they refund that money .I don't think they do so.

     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2009
  2. ALPA

    ALPA Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Dear Nithya,
    i am not married am single and i what ever i am going to say please do not be offended or take it to heart, i am going to give you my honest opinion. Your hunsband is a control freak, we have a family freind whose husband was a control freak he never ever uedt o give his wife moeny he would go and do the shoppingand so on, she used to then do tuitions in the afternoons and earn a bit of money, then one day it became too much for her to cope she just took offwith her two kids ok, things were resolved then she got her british rights so she moved to UK in 2005 with her younger son whiethe eder one wentt ostudy in SOuth africa today she is earning so well is so independent and now also tells off her husband she has just changed and is really empowered she told her husband to just back off and let her lead her life her way meaning without him controlling it.
    So please talk to your husband and get a solution do not prolong this problem, if you do it you are going to explode one day.

    I am truly sorry if i have hurt your feelings or offended you

    love
    alpa:cheers
     
  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Nithya,
    I remember your last post, things are still the same is it? I know you feel tied down being on H4 with nothing to spend. I seriously think you should discuss with your DH and come up with some pocket money for you(more than the 5 bucks). I remember in your last post you mentioned that he always says everything I have is yours. If that is really true and he really means it, he should come up with a weekly allowance for u, so that you can hang out with friends and get a coffee or an ice cream without feeling guilty.
    Btw, if you are really inclined to study, I know ICFAI of India, sends material to the US and conducts exams there. I've taken a couple from the Indian consulates(now they conduct exams in Indian study institutions in the US). Look them up online and see if you have anything interesting to study.

    Regards,
    Laks.
     
  4. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Dear Nithya,
    Have you spoken to your husband about your course? And did you manage to find some way of financing it, scholarship or something? What has he said about joining the community college?

    It looks like money is the major problem. Let me be straightforward here. Reading your message, I get the impression that you are brooding too much. You seem to be forming some opinion about him, which may not be true in ALL cases. What I mean is, just taking the same grocery example, have you ever bought something that he hasnt asked you to buy and that isnt costly either? Have you taken the initiative of managing the grocery shopping yourself, without acting under his instructions? Or do you feel afraid that he'll blast you for not buying the inexpensive items, and hence, stay away from shopping yourself? What is important is, you must try to see what your husband says when you take the same decisions as he would normally take. You must be clever and manage household expenses in a way that would give him the confidence in you, Nithya. If he doesnt give you the rights, take them, and make sure you use them in the way he would admire.

    I was in a similar position when I came here after marriage. I used to go only with him everytime, for a couple of months. And he used to point out to me generally which items he buys, what (brands) to look for, what to avoid, etc. After some time, he encouraged me to shop on my own. Now, we do it together or either of us does it, depending on the time and the shop. The main thing is, we discuss what we must buy and stick to that, of course, getting some items on the spot, which are worthy.

    So, dont feel bad that he's controlling your expenses... May be he thinks you are still in the learning stage. 2 years is a LOT of time. So, you must take the lead and show him you can do it on your own.

    But, have you already tried this strategy or what? What was his reaction? Does your husband really say NO when you ask for pocket money, or is it that you are AFRAID to ask him? Many men DONT read the wife's mind. They are quite stupid. You must speak to them clearly and let them know what you want.

    Good luck!
    Sandhya
     
  5. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    A few things:

    (1) I want you to think carefully and reflect on what Sandhya has written. She has given excellent advice. Have you been proactive in discussing the situation with him? Does he truly know how you feel about not having any financial liberties at all, even with something as simple as buying groceries? Have you told him that $5 will not buy even a cup of coffee and sandwiches at Starbucks? That it will get you next to nothing even in discount stores like Walmart or Target? You have to open up, Nitya. I know you feel hurt and upset that he doesn't seem to trust you but what is this is merely a problem with communication?

    (2) The second thing - and I am going to be blunt here - is that he could really be having a financial problem. I believe you mentioned his paycheck before and let me tell you, living in CA with its high cost of living, his wallet must be under severe strain as it is. You seem to be a young couple, so as he moves up the corporate ladder and as you enter the work force, the quality of your financial life will dramatically improve. But for now, it must be a hard stretch. So, maybe, this is his way of trying to protect you from the financial difficulties that your family is currently facing? You won't know, until you sit him down and talk face-to-face. Do not be afraid to speak your mind. He treats you well, he is nice to you in his own way, so I'm wondering if, maybe, he has some financial difficulties / worries that he is unable (or is unwilling) to discuss with you? You need to approach this with some discretion and tact to get him to open up.

    (3) Regarding community college coursework, have you actually checked their current tuition fees? I ask because if you asked even a year ago, you may have been classified as an International Student and may have been told that you will need to pony up an arm, a leg, and both kidneys in tuition! But, you WILL be a resident now and pay only around $27 a unit (or thereabouts). This means that even if you take three classes (at 3-units a-piece) a semester, that should be no more than $300 for around three-and-a-half months worth of classes! I currently pay $1900 a SEMESTER at a State university and that is for 18 units!!! So, do call and ask about CURRENT tuition rates given your CURRENT status, before deciding that you couldn't afford it based on outdated or erroneous information.

    I want to end this by saying that I have been in your position. Being on H4, living in CA, with my husband's paycheck barely enough to cover the 'necessities', yes, life can be very frustrating. I couldn't even enroll in a community college for until a year after marriage because I couldn't qualify for in-state, resident tuition before that time. I spent the first year of marriage absolutely frustrated and depressed due to sheer loneliness, boredom, lack of $$$$, unemployment (due to a tanking economy), and, on top of everything else, inconsiderate family members. It is hard. I know what you're going through BUT THIS TOO WILL PASS. THIS will get better. You WILL, when the economy improves, be able to work and he will make more and more money with every passing year.

    And, eventually, he WILL feel comfortable openly sharing his worries and 'secrets' with you. You need to be patient, supportive AND proactive. Speak up and clear the air. Don't let financial issues create other problems in your relationship. A direct (albeit tactful) approach is the key.

    Remember, you have the right to know about your family's finances, irrespective of whether you are working or not. You have the right to weigh in on both the great money management issues, and on the family budget. You have the right to spend on both the necessities of the household, and on the little luxuries and pick-me-ups for yourself, as long as you are respectful of the fact that there is a limit to that spending and that your husband is permitted equal say in these matters. So, bear this in mind when you approach him and discuss the situation with him calmly and reasonably. You just may be surprised. Sandhya is right - husbands aren't always mind readers - and a frank conversation may just clear the air and solve the problem!

    Good luck and hang in there. As I said before, this TOO will pass.
     
  6. SoniaAgarwal

    SoniaAgarwal New IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Hi,
    I am feeling its my story I was in US two year before just after marrige. same story my husband wnts to save money he said we will sahre apartment Initially i said okay after that i asked for only 100 dollar so buy some home stuff he did not gave me that he was saving good not went back to India because my parents just release from responsbilitie of mine and my father is heart patient.then i tried for job you know i did voluntery summar job in Swimming pool as a just watcher and got around 200 dollar a month he use to go with his friend out I was checking him because i was not haing bank account so apartment manager given 200$ off in rent of apartment from my voluntery job you know treagdy of my lifr when i asked for that he said whetever you want to by i will come with you not given me cash in hand i felt so traped disharted you know i was doing that low dignity job becaus i want to save that want to buy one gift for my husband on my first anniversy at that time i got hurt like anything...I dont know but till today i am not having any control on his salary even i dont know where he spends but know i have my job atleast whetevr want to buy buy but iknow he want to control this also but some how i am managinging now its my life yes i am scared forfutuer and this type of relationship for me husband is everything its not like I dont love hime i love him but feels he is not my dreamy guy.some time i feel so lonely but what i can do no choice....
     
  7. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Thanks for your encouragement, Malyatha. :cheers I'm just trying to give back the wisdom I got from you ladies at IL. :hatsoff

    Hope Nithya's situation improves.

    Sandhya
     
  8. jasminerule

    jasminerule Junior IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    You have come here so many times with many posts regarding the same problem, instead of asking for our advise which were given plenty by all of us, I think it's time for you to stop asking us what to do or what our opinion is and TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. That's the only way you can change your life. I believe all of us here have given you enough advise, haven't we??? You have to be active about your life, talk to your husband what bothers you and make changes instead of keep writing post after post after post.

    And I agree with some of the ladies here, you have to be patient. My husband did the same thing and now I have full rights and run the house the way I want to after 4 years of marriage. He never ask for how much and what did you buy or criticized me for what I buy, he just pay the bill. Now I know why he did what he did at the beginning of our marriage because his Mom is a horrible person when it comes to money so he could never trust any woman with money and it took him a long time before he completely trust in me and let me run the house.

    So my point is talk to him, have patience, stop posting start talking to HIM YOUR HUSBAND because I feel like all of us here have given you enough advises and it's time for you to start taking action instead of be passive about your life.
     
  9. rr99

    rr99 Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    Hate to bring In-laws into this, But, Does he have any need to support his parents back in india?
    If so, then he is absolutely wrong in making you compromise to feed their Wants (more specifically, I'm Not referring to their NEEDS, but when someone else is supplying the greenbacks the thin line between wants & needs blurs). If that is the case, Dont hesitate to put your foot down, raise your objections
    If indeed he's being cautious all round, & his income is not being distributed to extended family, It wd be wrong of me to suggest raising a ruckus, try to find a way of working together , liek getting a legal permit to work so that you can afford a better lifestyle.
     
  10. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Re: Should a wife expect husband to give her right to do household shopping on her ow

    I would be careful with this.

    You're absolutely right - it is human nature to splurge if the greenbacks are channeled in through someone else, and for the thin line between WANTS versus NEEDS to become very blurry indeed.

    HOWEVER, I'd tread carefully for the simple reason that the fastest way to alienate a spouse is to suggest that his or her parents are living the high life at their adult offspring's expense. So, be diplomatic when you rake up this issue. What I'm saying is that it might not be a very good idea to openly carry the battle into the "opponent's" camp. Rather, be discrete and make subtle inquiries about exactly how much is diverted to support the extended family and while at it, be fair. During times of famine, food, clothing and shelter are ABSOLUTE necessities. They should be able to, therefore, feed, clothe and live in a safe place. Everything else is a WANT. When the situation improves, what was previously a WANT may metamorphose into NEEDS but now is not that time.

    Be smart and do voice your objections, but be careful about how & where you go with it. Pick your battles and watch your back because IF your DH does agree with you, and cuts off the gravy train, guess who is going to take the flak? You need to CAREFULLY and DISPASSIONATELY decide if the amount under consideration is big enough to make a difference before you go about opening that can of worms!
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2009

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