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Shocking Behavior Of Moms !!

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by MadhuRK, May 3, 2021.

  1. MadhuRK

    MadhuRK Silver IL'ite

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    This happened at the playground today. We live in the United States/Bay-Area/Fremont.

    My DD is 4 yo. We went to the park and were playing on the slides and swings. There were 2 moms each with two boys. The boys would've been no older than 6yo at the very maximum. They were making the boys stand in a line-up and score football kicks towards a small detachable goal-post. We have the small goal-post at home so my DD ran towards those moms. I ran behind to catch-up and explain why she must've run. No reaction. So I told my DD " sweetie why don't you stand on the side and watch once what all these annas (brothers) are all doing ? "

    So she did for one full cycle of the 4 boys finishing their turns. Then again she ran to the moms asking for a turn. Seeing her standing there, one of the 4 boys said "mom the girl wants a turn, lets ask her to join ".

    One of the moms turned around and coolly told me without batting an eyelid
    " We are having a hard time managing the boys as it is. We can't allow your daughter to join this line. Thats it. "

    I was shocked by their behavior. Forget the fact that it was my kid. Here is a kid who wants to just kick the ball once, just once. Common, how hard is that going to be ? Coming from an environment where kids of neighbors would sit and eat with us, I find this behavior very puzzling. What am I missing here ?

    On a humorous side-note, what is the secret language parents (or perhaps moms) use to plan play-dates for kids ? Are there language/community/regional groups, perhaps in Facebook ? or someplace else that are used for social gatherings. Asking to genuinely understand the tips and tricks for this "raising an only child in the US" phenomenon.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    How does one "say" what is written in parentheses?
     
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  3. MadhuRK

    MadhuRK Silver IL'ite

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    @Rihana I don't get the question. Anna is the same as bhaiyya, parantheses given here not for saying but for meaning.
     
  4. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    1. ABCC3055-5AFC-42E7-B0B9-D321862361F4.jpeg What they did was wrong but this is just one case.There are many many cases of right and wrong and I have had my fair share of it too :)

    One thing which makes me relax is ..I try to have zero expectations from people.Many people act very weird at times. Don’t know what goes in their mind and why they do it.

    let it be.

    these moms are not your friends.There are good moms and good people who will want to be your friends and that is where you and your daughter belong.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You seem to be genuinely puzzled by their behavior and not just shocked. Reading between the lines and the use of "annas", I am assuming they were desis. If so, here a few possibilities that might answer your what am I missing question.
    • They are taking pandemic precautions like maintaining a social bubble and the kids play only with kids in their bubble.
    • US did not ban flights from India till tomorrow. Paying and getting a Covid negative test to be able to board a flight is not difficult in India. People might want to avoid contact with desis who might have a person in their house who just arrived from India.
    • Those moms seems to have two boys each aged 6 or under. They have been home for a year now. That is brutal on the parents, especially the moms. Arranging for a park playdate, hauling the goal-post to the park, having the boys do their bathroom etc and making it to the park is not easy.
    • "They were making the boys stand in a line-up and score football kicks towards a small detachable goal-post." To the untrained eye, this scene looks like a pleasant afternoon in the park with a few young children having fun. The moms will know the effort to achieve this and sustain it for a reasonable time so the boys burn some energy.
    • A new four-year old, unfamiliar with the kids, joining the group can disrupt the established momentum.
    • When a younger kid joins the group, the moms have to keep an extra eye on how their kids are behaving with the new kid. Those boys have spent a whole year with limited outside interaction and hours in front of the computer. Only time will tell how this has impacted the social skills of little kids.
    • That mom might have felt that it is easier and kinder to say No at the beginning than to refuse the four-year old when she wants to kick the ball again after the first time.
    • Above all, we don't know just what struggles and private grief people are dealing with in their lives. Hard as it can be to imagine, sometimes a new kid joining the playground group can be something the mom cannot handle.
    Each of the above can be dissected and refuted or compared to a four year old's innocent wish to just a kick a ball once. Or, it can be taken as an acceptable reason for those moms' behavior.

    Kindergarten and first grade are around the corner. In elementary school, it will be a common experience that kids will establish their informal playground groups. Four girls good at jump rope will play together in pairs and change the pairings. A fifth one wants to join them. Asks nicely. They refuse (also nicely). What then? The teacher will not intervene and tell the girls to include the fifth girl. That is what an adult might have done in our childhood playgrounds. At the most, the teacher will point the fifth girl to other fun play equipment lying around or other groups that can more easily include another kid.

    It is never too early for kids to learn that it is OK to be excluded from a group they want to join. Never too early to teach kids or model to them how to handle rejection of different kinds, how not to take it personally, and how to find an alternate activity

    Children make friends at preschool, at extracurricular activities or just when playing in the street or the park. If they seem to get along, the parents set up a playdate. In times like the pandemic or if the child finds it hard to make friends, the parent posts in places like Nextdoor. I see many posts from parents new to the area asking about existing playgroups or for kids who are attending a certain grade in a certain school.

    Playdates come with their usual politics. It has the slacker parents who never host a playdate or who don't pick up their child on time. It takes some luck and searching to find the right combination as when the kids are younger than 7 or 8, the parents are more involved in setting up playdates.
     
  6. MadhuRK

    MadhuRK Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks @anika987 for your wise words. There is a lot of truth to what you are saying. I'm hoping and praying that I have the maturity to accept them.

    I have often heard of the social scene in the US to be very isolating and it often gets described as a lonely place. But it never hit me till now, because it was just me and my husband for a long time. We used to happily go on hikes, movies and just sit together and read our books. Then my kid was just an infant for the last 3 years or so. Now is when I understand the meaning of those terms. I must also admit here that I'm a sensitive and introverted person. I've never been the party, social, get-together kind of a person. I also don't know if I have a strong sense of state/region/district/language affiliation. Learning how to live with yourself and managing you mind, your own company is better than the company of riff-raff is how I used to feel earlier.

    Now I feel bad (kind of guilty ?) that because of our almost anti-social tendencies, perhaps our daughter is suffering with the lack of play-dates, socialization etc. Also being an only child at home, this parental fear is kind of creeping on me slowly but steadily.
     
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  7. MadhuRK

    MadhuRK Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks @Rihana. Very useful insights here. You are right, yes definitely puzzled here, because this scene is also relatively new to me. I completely missed the COVID part and the perception of 4 kids in the park part.

    "It is never too early for kids to learn that it is OK to be excluded from a group they want to join. Never too early to teach kids or model to them how to handle rejection of different kinds, how not to take it personally, and how to find an alternate activity"

    Surprisingly, my DD forgot about the incident almost immediately and made no fuss about it. Still a good lesson to reinforce I suppose. Thanks a bunch for these suggestions. I'll start with learning to model this myself and then move onto the kid.
     
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  8. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    So someone told me once: They don't go to activities (park) to meet people, they instead go there as a group (after meeting their friends).

    The group at the park already knows, each other. It is hard to break into that group. You have no way of knowing how they formed the group.

    Best way for forming a group is through the preschool, development, apartment complex, places of classes, etc.
    It is very hard in US. Just say keep saying Hi to people. Even in playgrounds, say hello to the ladies- even if they are in a group. You have to say hello to any group or individual that is sharing the space.

    Is your kid in preschool? do arrange it, it takes care of outdoor times and also socializing for kids.
     
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  9. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    That's really shocking... I would not expect that in US. I do not have american's in my social group and hardly meet or talk to anything either in parks etc. That's strange. Some people are just plain rude.

    Could it be because of pandemic they were scared, not to let come near. Do not know.
    Since we do not mingle with them, we do not understand their psychology.

    @MadhuRK We had similar case. For long time, it was me and H we really... everywhere alone, did not need any friends or have any friends. Same situation, when kid came, we realized she is suffering our choices, our lack of socialization, our lack to being able to mingle into groups easily.. People would have groups based on ethnicity/religion/culture/language. But not us. And just like you, I go out, i would not expect random kid coming to me, asking me what i am eating and asking me to share, and me not knowing what to say, to give is not right but how to say no...
    Till her 4 yrs of age, we were in same boat, then got busy.
    Trust me, once she starts school, she will make her own friends. Its nature. And take all this as learning.

    Just few months ago, in park, an older desi kid, came to me daughter. I was also standing nearby and my purse was near with snacks in it. My daughter was eating snacks ( gold fish). He gave her lecture on why not to eat gold fish,t then put hands in my purse, grabbed bags on goldfish in it and grabbed gold fish out of it ...
    I was like what...how to say no to him, it is pandemic.
    I myself could not say no to kid. But i did try to teach my daughter after that.

    My neighbor has couple kids. My daughter use to literally die to play with them. They themselves started coming to our house ( mid pandemic) and not go out at all. Then suddenly, they started telling my daughter, you can not come to our yard etc. Then again they started talking to her from distance to completely avoid her. Again they started coming out now, to our yard, and if i ask go play on trampoline, 'oh we are not allowed', then next day they are spending hours in our yard and trampoline..

    If your daughter is not in school, once she is ...it will be easy. Till then, keep talking to her about it that its fine.

    About forming groups - i myself do not have. It depends on personality and lifestyle also.
    If you are in apartments, it is much easier. Then We desi's have that stigma, we like to mingle with same language people, same food habits, same religious beliefs..
    For ex : if everything matches, but you are the one, who smoke or like to sit in balcony with wine, there may not be many desi women to like you. Its hard to find same wavelength, and all have to be mentally ready to appreciate and accept the differences.
     
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  10. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    I wouldn't have explained it better than @Rihana! Exactly my thoughts!

    How to arrange playdates? That's different for different people. My son (8 yo) doesn't easily make friends and he is absolutely fine playing with his Legos or reading books. He has one best friend from kindergarten. He asked us if he could invite his friend over (pre-pandemic days) and I reached out to his parents. His father happens to be my colleague (I didn't know). They take turns to go over to each other's place 3-4 times a year.

    My daughter (6 yo) can make friends in 5 minutes at a park or pretty much anywhere but she also has one or two best friends. One of her best friends' mom and I became friends over time. They had playdates almost every month before the pandemic and just had a playdate last week after a year and a half of Messenger Kids. We don't plan too much in advance- it's mostly kids plan and asks if they can go to each/other's place, if both sets of parents have time, we either meet at a park or drop at each other's places.

    I have also ignored other parent's requests for a playdate (esp. during the pandemic) when I am not comfortable with it.

    Just wait. Your kid will be planning playdates soon!
     
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