shes having mood swings

tanuy · Dec 20, 2009

hi my wife of 1 year is starting to have her mood swings again , which could be because of her hypothyroid problems. We talked about this before the marriage and I said that I can take care of all that and she shouldn't be worried. but I thought that the mood swings will not affect her attitude towards me all that much, e.g. she could be down but not upset with me, but when shes down shes upset with everything and everyone around her. She didnt need thyroid medicines after marriage because here thyriod is normal but she is having a lot of these weird episodes

A couple of days ago we had an argument about something, that she thinks that I dont care for her that much, about small things like spending more time with her and all that stuff. but she is making me insane with all these complaints, as she doesn't realise that I need some time to myself, and I like to chill out by myself in another rooms , play games and talk to my mates, but she doesn;t get that. and that day she started shouting really hard out and stopped eating and said that she hates me and I'm a selfish person etc. so I told her that shes not well in the head ATM, and that really made her super angry. She said shes okay but i knew that shes having mood swings again but she said its just me.

This weekend i h ave been out with my friends and didn't take her because the enviornment is not that good at my friends place and they dont invit their gf's either so I went alone and had a really good time but she called me in the night asking me to come back , even though i told her that I will stay back late. after coming back she started shouting and t'old me to sleep in myroom and started saying that its better that we stay alone for a some time. and today I went out again in the morning just as usual. now all this has been explained to her before that I like going out in the weekdns and playing sports with my friends. But its only guys there so she can;t come , cuz it would be weird, to bring your wife with you.

The problem is that she is really volatile and doesn;t have any friends because she doens;t want to work, so wht the hell am I suppoosed to do? And she has been spending a lot of time in front of the mirror , constantly checking her weight even though shes fine. and I can tell shes crying a lot from her swollen eyes. Im just sick of all these fights , I can't take that **** and feel like hitting her. but i dont. but coming home is like arguments all the time. I even told hehr that we will go out somewhere next weekend.

This has happend a few times recently but the good thing is that she gets back to normal mind state in a few days. but calls me self-centered and pretentious. basicallly home isn't fun anymore , and Im so angry right now that I would probably go out with my friends again next weekend.

p.s. shes been constantly staring int he mirror a lot and keeps asking if shes looking alright and i told her shes really beautiful and doens;t need any make up

lavii · Dec 20, 2009

well i dono about the health problems you are taking about
but life as a bachelor and life as a marired man is different
may be you like spending nights with friends but what about your wife???
in todays busy world hardly we get time to sit with spouse and relax or go out or hangout..you are working and she is not
so for her YOU ARE THE WORLD
may be you are right by saying the place where you went is where you dont fnd gals..probably you could have gone and comeback
i dono i feel your wife is right here..she needs love to be shown..may be she wants to be with you and enjoy weekends
and most of the women would like to listen praises about their beauty..NO harm in patting her back about beauty daily what say

kma · Dec 20, 2009

Even I agree with lavii. When u are newly married, it is right that you should spend more time with your wife. Probably she is getting bored sitting at home alone while you are out enjoying with friends. You are not a bachelor anymore, you have a wife and certain responsibilities that go with it.

tanuy · Dec 20, 2009

she has only been here with me for 4 months because she wanted to finish off her course in india, instead of transferring it here.

i'm not like other men who's wives are complaining on these forums. I resolve her issues and i will resolve these issues too. I told her before marriage that I am good at listening and giving advice but I dont like to share my feelings/whatever with anyone. feelings and emotions make one weak and distort their perception.

And the reason I go out with friends at night and for sports, is because I need these people to be around for business plans and other work.

I spend time with her at home and talk about my work/future plans with her, so that she knows whats going on. but I don't like getting too intimate as I know that is only going to play well for a few years and then when you lose interest in each other your relationship is going to be dull since you will still be looking for that physical spark that is temporary in nature and fades away. I explained all that to her before marriage and she said that is exactly what she wants.

As the saying goes "kahli dimag shetan ka ghar" she should further her studies or do something else instead of just surfing the net all day.

Now I feel she needs to calm down and understand that I love her a lot, and I love every person in this world since I see what they are on the inside and that is the same as me.

And I asked her to come to the gym that go to in the weekends and sometimes after work but she doesn't want to go there either? :/ but she doesn't mind going out to the beach or a nice relaxing place which is what im planning on doing next weekend.

but as you can see all I'm saying is that we all want perfect lives, but life isn't perfect and we just have to deal with it and thats all im trying to explain to her.

but what should i do when someone doesn't come out of the room for hours and just wants to be with themselves for a few days in arow and then all of a sudden everyhing is fine and all happy chapppy and then again the crying and staying quiet, and not making eye contact and just staying in the other room. That doesn't make you feel good, she shouldn't be like that after all she's got everything and has all the freedom to go out during the day and do whatever,

She wants to go back to india to meet her parents and her cousins, and I said that is fine, but her parents told her to wait for a while since I will be alone, as my parents are also in india.
but I think her parents spoilt her and she didn't see the real world, she needs to grow up and face the reality. I even talked to her cousin about this and even she agreed with me that its her fault.

And the other problem is that when you joke with her like about anything related to her she gets upset. shes got some issues, esp with her body/face even if you say you got too much makeup, or that shes getting too thin then she takes it the wrong way.

And the last thing is that she talks to her parents and cusiions and freinds over the phone for hours and hours and hours and I am okay with that, and I dont complain to her that shes not spending time with me or anything.

Oh yea one more thing is that once i held her neck and pressed it a bit just jokingly (haha) like you do with your friends and she even took that seriously and starting acting like its hurting her and its a big deal, she said dont even think about doing that ever again even jokingly.

feduptocore · Dec 21, 2009

Tanu
first of all... when you have hypothroid ... you have to take medication life long... its a hormonal substitute and a non reversable condition... so please get her thyroid lvls checked ...
now about your behavior with your wife does seem unreasonable as you have to understand that she is in a unfamiliar environment and that she needs help from your side to settle down.. if you spend time with your friends and gym she will definately feel left out and create madness around you to get attention...
and also please no chocking necks even in fun... its dangerous and can get very intimidating to some..
so please learn to control, yourself and also to accept that life does change after marriage...
a little understanding and time fro your side can make a load of difference to her...
K
PS.. Don't neglect the thyroid get it checked!!!

Priya16 · Dec 21, 2009

tanuy,

At least 90% of the wives especially in there first year of marriage would like to spend with there husband 100% especially during the week ends and it's a normal expectation.

Suppose if you want to play a game something (I don't know what kind of games here though),why don't you plan in the morning early houses and finish it off before noon and you both can spend night together. Believe me, it’s very hard for your wife to understand especially in this matter.

She is feeling unsecured because of her beauty and thinking you are not attracted to her because of your late night games with your friends.

So try to understand the women feeling here especially she has been with you only for 4 months so she feels she really need your 100% time. Down the line women may not feel the same way.

I have been married for 7 years, I am ok if my husband just go for tennis and come back in 2 hours in the night, But I don't like him if he hand out till mid night with friends (it may be business or whatever).If he likes hang out ,typically he does in day time. But after the marriage, we have family friends and we all can participate in family get together. See you can find some group where you both can participate.

Since she has been only 4 months outside of the county, it really takes time for her to find new friends and understand her surrounding and go out. For me it took at least 2 years to stand on my feet. But especially women first one year+ is really honeymoon time and they really like to hang out with her husband.

Other things like talking to family, it’s all there for most of the people they will go down eventually as she just new to everything so she needs some emotional support or there is nothing wrong. You can just give her hint about the money involved in calling long distance.

But I believe there is nothing her with women perspective and guy perspective. Both will have different expectations. Since you are looking to deal with your problem, I sincerely advise do things in early hours of the day and leave your schedule to your wife at end of the day.

You might also known one study,lot of women do leave there carrier or edcation during the first years of marraige and later every one start looking for education or carrier.

So this is very common expecation for newly married women ,who want to spend her time fully with her husband.

You were talking about other things like when she is down she doesn't come and talk to you.I don't have anything to balme her.You don't encourage and don't pamper her when she shows those signs.Eventually she will relaise her husband will not tolerate these and will stop.If she gets pampers whenever she does mood swings then she try to do more when she needs something.Tell her to talk with you and solve with the issue when something bothers her but don't act like kid.

Drpreethis · Dec 21, 2009

Tanu,

My opinion.. You are way tooo practical for your wife. Too much practicality is hazardous sometimes to Marrid Life

See, it is like this, here it is not just about getting irriated and suffocated with her attitude and allowing vice versa.. You have to rather understand that, just as you are getting irritated with her behaviour, she must be feeling the same too. So, you are actually, in no better position than she is right now.. if you feel she is the only one who ahs mood swings.

First of all, as FP said Hypothyroidism is a condition. It needs to be handled medically. Sometimes, the tab she is on may also adverse her moods, her behaviour. You need to check on that.

You were aware of the entire medical issue of hers before marriage.. and you ' assumed ' you could handle it well. Wht happened now ? Werent you wrong about your thinking ? Maybe you didnt think that the moodliness would be this worse.. Now, whose fault is that ? Her parents , because they didnt bring her up well ? How come mood swings due to thyroid suddenly become ' not-so-right upbringing ?? Because you couldnt handle it, right ? That is not an answer to your problem, tanu. You must first understand that and stop calling on anyone's parents. Do not blame the parents, for some kiddo behaviours from the spouse. had she replied to you, saying your parents made you self centered, would you take it ? I dont say, you said that to her, all I say is take it off your mind.

Now, when you know she has some horrible mood swings or low esteem about herself, do you tease her or just smile and hug ? What do you think is wiser ? Teasing an already disturbed person about her state of mind is not fun in any ways, tanu. If you felt it was, then I see it different. It simply feels like your lack of support and not able to handle the situation wisely.

How many of your friends are girls ? How many of their necks have you held with your fist ? Jokingly, yeah and with no intentions of killing, ofcourse ! Have you ever tried holding your mommy's neck like that jokingly ? I am sure, she wouldnt laugh over it ! A man and woman are two different works of God. You do not hold the neck of someone in the opposite sex ! Even if that is the most funniest thing you can think of ! Period. Do not treat your wife who is a woman as you treat your male friends.

You said, you told your wife you made it ' clear ' to her that you will be an excellent listener. Wonderful. But, you also told her your reason for why you dont want to talk your issues with ' anyone ' , being that " feelings and emotions make one weak and distort their perception " ! Now, what a sentence. So, if their perception is right ' all ' the time, why would anyone come to you for excellent advice ? Think !
Do not say one thing and contradict it on the next sentence.

You say, you love her but what according to you is expression of love ? Just keeping it in mind may be the right thing to do according to you.. But that is not universal truth isnt ? How can you think, that you are right when you know a little of giving in would really be a ' BIG ' deal to your wife ? It doesnt hurt at all to be expressive when you have to . It doesnt matter when you do it when it is uncalled for. But, it does when you go with a hug when it matters the most , Tanu.

When your wife asks you wether she is ok , physically, go with the best expression and a hug. It would mean the world to her.

Just because she keeps asking you those assurance or wants to go to India to visit her loved ones, doesnt make her wrong and you right. She wants to visit her loved ones, because she is better off spending time with them than you.. Does it make you feel any good ? Dont you think by just feeling she is uncomfortable living with, you are just proving the same about you ?

She keeps asking you repeatedly about herself because she feels there is something lacking in your relationship. How did you decide for yourself that intimacy makes sparks go away in sometime and later you wonder looking for it ? You talk like you have lived 60 years, Tanu ! What made you arrive at that conclusion ' all by yourself ' ???? You have no right to take a call of intimacy by your own school of thought once you are married. There is another life involved here too. Did you even think what she thought ?

You find sports enduring, she finds, beach walks ! Why do you have to always do what you feel good about ? Why do you have to push her that hard that she throws tantrums to the extreme and then ' you do a favour by doing what she likes ' ??? Why cant you plan it well in the begginning itself ? You are quite practical isnt ? You see things happening in the long run of married life.. then what happened ?

Tanu, there is soo much you can to make her feel good. Little things, litle joys. It is alright to spend a little more time with her than with your friends. Really. it doesnt hut at all. Married Life, does need space , YES. But not in the intial period. Over time, it will happen on its own, when the couple are contend and feel they are the happiest couple in their own ways.

Do not take my reply as taking you to stands. That is not my intention. I do not get anything by that. I move on with my life no amtter what. It is your Married Life.. End of the day, about both yours and your wife's happiness. Give in a little and take in a little. Do no always feel, the way you think is right even if you know the spouse is being silly.

Few expressions can only be shared between the couple. Never let go off them.

Do not give into tantrums, yes.. But do not be a reason to give rise to them too ! Do not push her soo much that she gets on the edge and then, you blame her mindset for that. Remember, for every action, there must be a cause. When you start to see, that you are being a cause, there is so much you can do to correct them. It isnt impossible to do them. Do not let anything stop you from expressing your love to her. Do not just feel, she needs to understand even if you didnt say. Remember she is thinking, so what if he does say.. afterall I ask this ONLY from him !

Lastly, do not compare yourself to the other men whose wives write here..That is a women' percpective.. For all you know , your wife must be discussing the same with her loved ones, just as you did to her cousin. So, each ones problem is to them. It is just that we get different perspectives. It is alright about that. I do agree that you are better off than those abusive husbands of those poor battered women. But, you must remember, that those abusive people were not born abusive. They became so, when they couldnt handle themselves and their mind. I am sure, you are too good a guy to even go there !

Best Luck, Take care..

SriVidya75 · Dec 21, 2009

Tanuy

You are married for 1 yr and you feel you need space and time for yourself??? that too when you know that your wife is feeling that you are not paying attention or that you dont like to spend time with her.

I agree as Preethi said, might be some of her mood swings is due to the medication she is on..however I can attribute that to only 50% and rest of the 50% is general marital issues any new couple face. But you got to really understand that sometimes just sitting by her side iwth no talks or just watching a movie together with no words said works wonders.

Every newly wed girl feels home sick and to add to it her medical condition, so you were very considerate when marrying her and might be you want a quick way out of all this but it would take time for her to settle down and understand your love for her.

My suggestion would be, decrease the no.of boys outing atleast for next few weeks/months, spend time with your wife, get to know each others feelings and emotions. observe each others likes and dislikes, ask what makes her happy /sad , ask her what is she interested in like hobbies or activities, encourage her to join any classes etc.

If she is new to the city, why dont you introduce her to few of your friends wives so that they all get to talk and make friends..if you read the forums on H4 ladies you would understand how some of them would be in initial depression phase which makes it more worst to handle as everything is mixed upi.e her medical condition, this lonelyness/being depressive and you spending less time with her.

Take it slow and I am guessing you would be able to manage it well , if you can spend more time with her. Lets not get each others parents/relatives into this whole picture. Finally you both have to understand each other and talk to each other to resolve things.

Indyan · Dec 21, 2009

Hi Tanuy,
I have been a silent reader of this forum for sometime,this is the first time i'm compelled to write a reply ,as I feel being a guy and newly married(I got married last Dec)I can identify with what you are going thru.

I will tell you a lil about myself .I'm 30 ,have been in US for the last 8 yrs and since my marriage last yr ,my wife has been staying with me here in US.
Being here for so long I have a whole bunch of friends,am a "guy's guy" ,I love hanging out with my buddies,my weekeds used to start on wednesdays,clubbing,bar-hopping,watching sports ,hangin-out with guys on game nights,pool/bowling and waht not,every activity that single guys do ...and just having a blast with my friends.I loved my life ....or to say my "Bachelor Life".

After getting married things change,life changes ,priorities change.You have to let go your past and now its all about being together,doing things together with your wife ,its doing/making things that make each other happy.Enjoy the togetherness.

here are my 2 cents -
1) Dont treat /behave with your wife like you do with your buddies-
The jokes cant be same ,like criticizing each other or the sass/sarcasm,or the physical play that guys do(ex:holding neck/twisting arm in a mocking way...you know what I mean).you can do that with your buddies ,I do.I do that with my brother even now,but not my wife.
The jokes and your sense of humor should not be directed at each other,even in the slightest -ve manner.that will hurt her a lot .She'll ponder on that for hrs later when you are not there and try to read between the lines,which inturn will effect her self esteem.
Instaed crack jokes on things that you both can laugh at,like make fun of something on TV,some relative , or somebody else ,so that you both can be as a team and have fun.
Reserve the mockery /sarcasm/sass for your friends.

2)Marriage is Give and Take relationship-
Just before I got married a close friend fo mine gave me this advice on marriage.I'll repeat his words ,he said "Marriage is a Give and Take relationship,You should be willing to give first .And when you do that ,trust me you will get lot more in return."At the time I cudnt understand what he was saying,I asked him what he meant ,then he explained that ,it is something I'll have to figure out on my own ,the sooner I do it the better off my married life will be ,and I 'll have more peace-of-mind,and and infact will have more fun and best -of-the two worlds.

When we started living together ,I realised-My wife cudnt cook,she never cooked in her whole life,she doent clean up,anything .Doesnt even fold her clothes,didnt know anything about the groceries.She never lived away from her parents,so had no house- keeping skills,no independent descion making,everything was decided by mom & dad except her choice of clothes, make-up,nail polishes etc. In short she lived like a princess at home ,very pampered.:bonk

I just cudnt stand her,she was just "spoilt".
So,I had two choices either I cud scream and yell and call her lazy spoilt brat and have fights or I cud ,use my wise friend's words.I decided to try that.

When I started ,it was difficult on me.
I'm used to going out with my team for lunch,but I chose to go home (my office is nearyby)I told her coz she's alone at home ,I'm coming home for lunch,then I'll have to cook for both of us and eat.Cook again at night ,do the laundry for two of us,fold all her clothes.Clean the kitchen,vaccum apt.Buy groceries coz she wouldnt even know the names of any vegetables.And I did everything with a BIG SMILE.

After 3 moths ,I was stressed-out,I felt like I was baby-sitting.
I was about to give up ,then I started noticing a change in her behaviour ,slowly she started taking interest in cooking,she learnt how to do the laundry ,and even started doing mine.Started claning up the apt ,decorating it.

And now after 12 months ,I have to say my wife is an awesome cook,thats right ,I still cant belive it.She picked up cooking by watching a website and now she can cook everything and anything.
I dont do laundry anymore,I cant remember the last time I did that.She does all the grocery shopping ,even cleaning up .... I only help her a bit when we are expecting some company .She turned-out to be a wonderful house keeper.

Now I understand what my friend meant.You should be willing to give all your time/energy to this relationship.I mean 100%.This will reassure her that you love her ,care for her.It creates an sense of being a couple ,a team ,sense of togetherness.

Now a days I have so much free time ,I watch all the TV I can . My wife reminds me if its a game night ,and I go out with my buddies ....have a blast for several hrs and then I go back.That reassures her that even if I go out and do my thing with my friends (sometimes the whole day),at the end of the day I'll come back to her.By the way once in a while she says "why didnt you stay back for the night at your friends place,when everyone else is having fun?".I just say "I cudnt stay away from her ,so had to come back ".

I'm still the same guy ,having fun with my buddies,doing what I love to do .
But I also make sure that she doesnt feel left out .

So ,I have to say I'm getting the best of both worlds and am happy "being married".:cheers

PS : Sorry for the long post.

rosegirl · Dec 22, 2009

Wow ... great post Indyan. Hats off to you.

My husband was like the OP (Except didnt have that many friends to hang out) always critizing and muttering about everything I do. I was just like your wife but learnt a lot of cooking, house keeping by myself seeing friends and tv and internet. But not a word or appreciation. Always finding fault in everything i do, not understood my feelings ... god

Sorry for the digression but u are just great Indyan.