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Sharing my 2cents (from my own experiences)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by tulipzz, Jun 29, 2010.

  1. hema76

    hema76 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi tulip

    ur tips are so good, but people should do this in the correct time that is more difficult ,if they does they win their DHs heart.
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2010
  2. sushmamohapatra

    sushmamohapatra Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Tulipz,

    All the points mentioned in all the posts are wonderful. Yes they worked in my case, and I had to be very very patient. Though I am married (love marriage) since only a year n a half, but I didnot want to take a risk of falling prey to inlaws lessons and end up in having a bitter relation with DH.

    Sorry for the long post below, but I am really curious to know. Maybe more ILites can give me some more views in this.

    Somehow, I still have some doubts / questions after seeing my sister's issues with her DH and inlaws.
    1. Whenever there was a gettogether, where BIL's family (sister's inlaws) came to our place, they always made long faces at the end of the functions, accusing of not teaching my sister how to respect them and BIL poured into all this all the more.

    2. Soon after getting married (love marriage... been close to 5yrs now), BIL started treating my sister as if he got married ONLY to get his meals on time, a clean house. he never liked my sister asking..simple normal things as well. Even she asked him, how was his day at work, he used rudely answer her with humiliating words.

    3. Her inlaws were against their marriage, as it was my sister's second marriage and they used insult my sister often..for her past, and how she trapped their son on her looks / talks etc. She never backanswered, with a fear of her second marriage. But still after some time, BIL started beating her, infront of his parents too, for whatever his parents used to tell my sister. He used to feel my sister is insulting by keeping quiet and not answering to them. but she was only avoiding to increase the fights. Her silent reactions gave them a misunderstanding that she is weak becasue of her past, and screwed her up completely.

    4. Later when she started asking BIL to atleast think ONCE from her point of view or stepping into her shoe, that things going on with her are wrong, he clearly told my sister "tumhare jaisi ladki k saath toh aisa hoga, tum isse accha aur kya expect kar rahi ho!" :rant. She gulped it with lot of pain, because, if she tried to standup for herself, he used to beat her.

    5. Socialism was the only thing that my sister could do when she was in India, as BIL never took her to places around neither to a mall nor to visit any new place after they got married. He started beating her infront of friends too, IF he was questioned .. WHY xyz .. What for abc? (even if it was a polite question and in private)

    6. Now in US, he asked her to do her preparation for GRE so that she can persue her further studies. But wanted her to do everything in the house, right from cleaning the house till the laundary.. every single day. And never to forget .. to cook delicious food for him 3 times a day! He wants atleast 10-15 chapatis for his both the meals!!! :bowdown. Poor my sister used to be soo tired, she couldnt concentrate on her GRE preps and used to sleep. If she got frustrated that she is ONLY doing household chores, and he is expecting her to study in parallel and she just used to ask for help, he beat her! If she slept early after getting tired for the whole day work (becasue BIL used to leave the entire house dirty every single day .. I too have seen him how he lives!) .. next day she surely has to face abuse from him for not studying, but still expect her to give him his lunch brkfast and dinner too!!

    7. Somehow she started studying despite of all the work that she had to do at home. But BIL, a nusiance, used to put movies and TV serial so loudly, that she wasnt able to concentrate at all. If she politely used to tel him to lower the volume, he used to initially. But later, he started beating her for that too. She lost intrest in her preps.

    8. Finaly when she appeard for GRE, she got a low score becasue of all these issues. Her MIL took an advantage of this and started poking her nose and feeding BIL saying tht my sister is simply wasting HIS HARD EARNED money, and doing NOTHING. Her MIL also used to tell BIL, that my sister ONLY knows to spend money and is not intrested in earning or doing anything in her LIFE, and her educations is absly WASTE and not useful IF she cannot be independent! Such talks poisioned BIL all the more, and he started beating my sister often and abuse her and my family for her upbringing, for not leading a balanced life (where he siply wanted to be treated like a KING:spin).

    9. BIL never ever spoke on my sister's behalf even IF his mother/ sister / father were at fault. Now that she finally gave up to live like this,and called 911 for her help, he is acting very nasty, and badmouthing her infront of their social circle there in US. This caused one of their social friend (who is married and has a daughter too) take advantage of her. But BIL is not at all worried / thinking about her state right now.

    From the above points, How and What should be the reaction of the wife in such cases?

    Am not sure, if my sister will take a step to be separated for the second time OR would want to still workout, because she remains confused on decision making because of stigmatisation for the second time and losing her power to think on this. Many of her social ppl influence her by saying this marraige is OVER, where the same ppl too have such issues and are still continuing with their husbands and inlaws, but keep on suggesting her to move on in life.

    Might have repeaded things from my earlier posts.. sorry for that. :hide:

    Sushma
     
  3. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    OMG!! Sushma!! your sister is living through hell. I have no clue where she should start and how she should handle this. She should have taken things into her control very very early on. What kind of a nasty husband your BIL is... In my opinion, a man who cannot keep his wife happy (at a basic level) is worse than an animal. Sadists like your BIL should be beaten in public. I am praying for your sister.
     
  4. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Absolutely Hema. Timing it is very important. The tips that I shared require a lot of patience and self control to implement. But once you implement, you will see results.
     
  5. keerthi88

    keerthi88 Silver IL'ite

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    Tulip...

    Wow... Your post was really "............." Please fill it with whatever is the highest degree of appreciation.. :) Man it works and it is so very true..:thumbsup

    Thanks for sharing Tulip..:bowdown

    Luv
    Keerthi
     
  6. indianguy2010

    indianguy2010 IL Hall of Fame

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    I appreciate this singular point, whole heartedly, from a male point of view. Yes, we men, would like to be left alone, with one instance of pointing out. The husband does tend to think on it more, if the wife is silent, after one instance of pointing out ( a mistake of husband to the husband).

    Continous attempts to point out the same mistake , again and again, makes the woman lose her own value in mens' mind.
     
  7. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    People, I have something to share today...

    There can be instances when MIL is nice to you. You feel you are friends with her and soemtimes share some probs with her. Tell her anything BUT the probs you have with your DH. She might agree and say "men are men" etc and might even give you suggestions...BUT REMEMBER...telling your MIL about your issues with DH is like a sheep sharing its probs with the butcher. I learnt this the tough way. My MIL created so many fights between DH and me...she would add her own masala to what I told her and tell DH the same in my absense!! DH would obviously believe her. Even if I catch her lying, DH is still okay with it since its his mom..

    ******Let peace prevail*******
     
  8. swaran

    swaran IL Hall of Fame

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    nice tips tulipzz
     
  9. HappyHearts

    HappyHearts New IL'ite

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    Nice pointer number 4....Really its so apt and true. I wish all of us could practice that in our day-to-day lives...especially all the to- be- DIL 's. Well we didnot have these wise learnings when I got married. Although its not too late, but i Surely hope that it will be useful to the newer ones on the forum.

    As rightly said " We should not react in life, we should always respond. "
    Reactions are always instinctive whereas responses are always intellectual
     
  10. MythiliMurali

    MythiliMurali Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Tulipzz
    I really liked your suggestions. 5 STARS. They are good for newly married couple.
    For me I have crossed that stage. DH got to know about everyone and he is stubborn in what he does. (Earlier MIL fights with DH if we want to buy a property in India) . I am happy with that.
    But as someone said they will never change, they will be in their own way saying something against DH, me, my parents. It's just like a song good/bad for us whenever we call them. We just keep quite & talk normally. Then only they will be satisfied. But in the past, we called them because of our marriage anniversary, ofcourse they didn't remember it, instead they repeated the same song, I was hurt/burst & cried. My husband reacted & called them & it became a big fight as he supported me.From then onwards even though I was hurt for their new song, we never raised & questioned them.I was talking very few words with them as a talk with the strangers & ask my DH to put off speaker, So that I can be in peace through out the week.
     

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