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Sharing my 2cents (from my own experiences)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by tulipzz, Jun 29, 2010.

  1. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Ladies,
    Most of us seem to have similar problems here. Mama-boy DH, cuning MIL, bossy SIL and a silent FIL. In 3 years of my marriage, I've seen a lot and also learnt a lot. I'd like to share of my learning so that it can benifit some of you without having to go through hell.

    1. Never shout at DH. When ILs are around, NEVER fight. No matter how pissed off you are, wait for you both to be alone and then start.

    2. Win DH with love. Be patient. When you are really mad at him, be in control and watch your words. Explain things and tell him he should not have behaved that way. " If I were in your place, I would never do it to you. Becasue I love you". Make a few strong points and stop talking to him. Men are dumb. They need time to process infomation and analyse. When you stop talking, DH will start processing the info. If at all he tries to argue or shout. Tell him " Why are you shouting? I didnt shout. Did I? I am being reasonable and I expect you to be reasonable because I think you are a fair person. Think over what I told you and let me know after 2-3 days" Dont talk to DH for these 2-3days. THis works.

    3. The moment you fight with DH because of MIL/SIL, they won and you lost. No matter what the outcome of the fight is. You lost it.

    4. When you are mad at Inlaws, never talk bad about them to DH. He will hate it no matter what. Ask youself "will I be able to take it if DH says the same about my parents? even if they were as bad as his?" .. I know, I know....you will feel like giving gaalis....Give them here...we are all there to listen and give more gaalis...BUT never talk bad about them in front of DH. If you want to talk to him about it, tell him (again, at the right time) "they should not have behaved like that honey. Dont you think so? I was really hurt". Thats it and be quiet. Give the dumb thing some time to think and process.

    5. when DH and you are in a good mood, sit down and make financial plans. See how both of you can contribute to your financial goals. (if you are a home maker, offer suggestions about how you can manage resources better and save). This will help you get some idea and control over finances

    6. When DH and you are in a still better mood, talk about what is important to both of you. You might say 'love and respect' and he might say 'peace of mind' . Write down your expectations from each other and reason out. Keep this paper always handy. when Dh is voilating the 'rules' gently remind him.

    I'll keep posting more as and when I get time. Hope some of you will find it useful.
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2010
    SreeSri, zingy and (deleted member) like this.
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  2. waitingForTej

    waitingForTej Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks tulipz for the tips from your experience. I am personally not very experienced, but i found the above point very relevant to my life. Fighting or shouting with one's spouse is deemed far more serious in the eyes of ILs. We (husband and wife) make it up later and even forget about it, but it leaves a lasting impression on them that we are in a *troubled* marriage. That is followed by negative vibes and comments which don't even depict how our relationship is. So I've told my DH that arguing in front of ILs is a no-no.
     
  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    Tulipzz
    thanks for the post
    no wonder it works
    all that i need is that will to control my tongue in anger and tackle things more efficiently
    because all the time something goes wrong from in laws end i start crying before dh or make him the victim realise and aplogise later
    but ya hard way to learn but best thing is to keep my calm
    thanks again
     
  4. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    [JUSTIFY]hey Tulipzz
    Yeah nice post indeed. Thanks for your tips. They are indeed good :)
    I liked these points especially
    Yeah not only in-laws...better not to fight in front of anyyy 3rd person no matter how pissed off we are
    Yeah obviously everyone love their parents ..Better not speak bad about parents even if they were wrong in that situation...no child can take it..however bad parents might behave in that situation ( not generalising ... but just normal feeling)

    Yeah it is the best time to plan financial goals.... calm peaceful mind leads to better thoughts and this in turn leads to development of entire family.

    [/JUSTIFY]
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2010
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  5. sublakshmi

    sublakshmi Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi tulips,

    Nice tips to handle the situation. It all works when your inlaws have got some sense and if they are little humane. There are some exceptional cases who would out turn the silence of yours also for their bad intentions. I know a MIL who always complains because DIL is very silent. She says that things need to be sorted by speaking. She feels |DIL is silent killer. Once the misunderstanding begins thats all we can never accept each other what so ever happens.

    I feel DH is the person who is responsible for the imbalance between wife and mother. If DH takes right decisions without any favour the problems can be stopped.
     
  6. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    Realistic pointers tulipz.

    The last point (about the writting down expectations from each other) is something new but needed which I had never thought of. We always make plans and after few months either I forget what we actually agreed or he.

    I wish there was some course which every girl could attend before marriage which says what are the signs of abusive husband, manupilative PILs...... Once these signs were found then proposal is fit to be rejected. But what happens is usually we think of all these only after facing / getting trapped in marriage.
     
  7. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    @sublakshmi - Being silent helps. Its your MIL who is breaking her head and not you. You still be silent and be at peace. I realized it after breaking my head over small matters several times. no point. MILs will not change. they will never realize their mistake. If you are genrally talkative and cheerful but you are silent when it comes to MIL, it will atleast prick her.

    ladies, some more tips

    1. When it comes to gifts, both of you decide on a certain amount. For both sides of the families. It should be equal no matter who earns how much. Stick to the amount .

    2. Never ignore DHs needs. Give him good food and look after him like a baby. Pamper him, give him a good massage sometimes. But when you are angry, do everything else like a duty but dont talk to him and dont pamper. See how things will change. He will sit up and listen. He will THINK

    3. If MIL says something, biggest mistake is to tell that to DH without any proof. I did this mistake again last week. DH asked about it to MIL and she very conveniently lied. I looked like a fool.

    4. Never waste tears. Be strong and speak for yourself. In a firm but soft voice. No shouting. When you think you are being reasonable, but still losing the battle, then use tears. They will work. If you use them too often, they will lose their power. You'll be temped several times to cry...but hold on. Dont cry yet.

    5. Never talk to MIL on speaker. Its like a double edged sword. Its good as long as MIL doesnt know you are on speaker. But the moment she realizes it, she will change her tune and you'll be breaking your head. My MIL is very very smart. She never says crap to me when DH is around or when we are on the phone. She talks BS only when I am alone with her. My situation is that, I desp feel like giving it back to her ( I too have a very sharp tongue. But I never used it on my inlaws). One day, I was a BIG bakra. We were chatting and I was 'questioning' her on why she did certain things. She suddenly became a saint on chat. I was wondering why...she had her plans that I didnt sense. She nicely let me blast and later showed the chat to DH with her own interpretations. WOW! Can you think of that? (Now,I have a feeling that MIL is on this forum, reading all that I am writing. She will not come out now. She'll wait for me to write write write and then she'll show it all one day to DH... I dont care now)

    6. Never ask DH not to talk to his parents. It will instantly make him your enemy.

    7. When you are going on a vacation to India, make sure you plan everything before hand. How many days will you spend with your parents, how many will DH spend with your family. Both of you should stay committed to your plans.

    8. Treat your inlaws fairly and with respect. No matter what they do. DH will notice it and will love you for that.

    9. You and DH are two different ppl. That itself is enough for fights to start. No need to fight because of a third person. No matter what.

    10. Resolve ALL your fights within the four walls of your bedroom. This is a very strict, mandatory rule. Never ask your parents or his parents to resolve. NEVER MIL.
     
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  8. behappyalways

    behappyalways Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Tulipzz

    Really nice tips

    Thanks for sharing

    BHA
     
  9. lovelydoll

    lovelydoll Senior IL'ite

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    the 10th tip is very much needed
    last time when we went to India, that was a horrible trip and all 1 month only fights as DH finds all faults with my parents and MIL was always breeding those thoughts to him and he was dancing to those.
    finally, I could not tolerate , as he was not willing to send me to my parents also, even after a yr 1/2 after marriage, that was my first visit.
    he wants a meeting with my parents and later when everyone joined , he had some stupid questions and things so,............
    really I feel embarrassed with his behavior and he is never ready for a discussion though
     
  10. SreeSri

    SreeSri Gold IL'ite

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    Wow!! Tulips, you words are sounding like Oracle (not the Database product). I gotta pick these points and make a word document, read at least once in a day (pl note that I am a guy, but still applies the same rules when the gender is flipped in your points.. including the "Men are dumb" :)
    In any event, I was not able to read them fully as I am at work now, will pick them up later into a WORD DOCUMENT.. Thanks again
     

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