Sharing marital problems with opposite gender friends

........................Happy New Year!

 

I don't think it is disloyal to share MP with a friend as MPs goes through a series of stages

Stage 1: This is the stage where most MPs continue to reside, maybe through lifetime
A person tries to resolve/confine MP with the spouse. This includes fights,
resolution, compromise, ignoring, adjustments, MP morphism (due to age,
time, change in priorities etc).

Stage 2: Share with a friend/relative or on anonymous forums (radio talk shows, IL)
The person is not able to resolve the issue with the spouse and is looking of
ways to help mitigate the situation and get some peace

Stage 3: Going for professional counselling
The person has tried their best and yet the MP is so acute that living
together is nearly impossible. Not sure whether this has ever been
successful in the long run. MP may be resolved in short term but the scars
remains. Also it brings in huge ego from both, making the MP much bigger
than it needs to be as other dirty laundry gets thrown into the mix.

Stage 4: Separation
Both decide to stay separately for a while, giving time for each other for
self realization and reflection.

Stage 5: Divorce
Both agree on permanent separation.

The onus is on both the partners to keep MPs at stage 1. If one of them doesn't participate or is unwilling it to keep MPs at stage 1, then that person has forfeited rights to privacy or any expectations of perceived loyalty. So it is not disloyal to the spouse if a person shares MPs with a friend.

As with everything, there are exceptions. Some situations/MPs may warrant going to stage2 or even stage 5. Some people just jump themselves from Stage 1 to Stage 2 or even stage 5 at every smell of an MP. But the above stages are what most people go through with their MPs and so it is not disloyal if someone decides to share it with a friend when one has already tried everything they could within the confinement of the partnership. The ideal situation of going from stage 1 to stage 3 may not mostly materialize because if the spouse is unwilling to address the MP, most likely the spouse will be highly unwilling to go for counseling as that would hurt the ego as well. Going to stage 2 is not a bad option as the person is seeking to find ways to mitigate the situation by changing one's own behavior or approach to the MP. What type of MP and how much to share and to whom depends on personal judgement and comfort level and the equation with the confidant.

 

Riya
Even when not ideal I think an online forum cannot be compared to friendship in real life. Queries are posted and anonymous posters take a stab at it. End of story.

" The level of comfort one seems to have with someone of the opp gender to share something as personal as a MP" This to me is a big red flag. When that said person is not a relative(brother dad etc etc) how did u get to that stage of comfort? Every friendship requires investment -time and emotions. If someone is spending that much time with a person of the opp gender outside the marriage then is marital problem any surprise?

 

I agree with JAGS here. Is it not more important for spouses to be comfortable enough with each other to sort out their problems amicably before they escalate to the point of the relationship becoming a dysfunctional one ? The time and energy invested to develop strong platonic relationships could possibly have been useful for building a better understanding with the spouse.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me. There is enormous power in getting together to discuss a problem, coming up with a solution, and implementing this solution. If this process is shared with the spouse in question, as Rihana says, the experience itself, in addition to actually solving the problem, will be a boon to the marriage. Enhanced communication, deeper understanding, and a common goal to work on (it's us against the world - let's make this marriage better for us, and our children) are all huge steps in the right direction when it comes to improving the marital relationship.

If this experience is with a third party, then the "problematic" spouse is a sort of unconscious, involuntary part of the solution. I cannot help but get the feeling he or she is being manipulated, in a way, without his or her knowledge. In other words, a third party gets to pull the strings in the marriage, and this notion makes me uncomfortable.

Coming to forums like IL and discussing with anonymous strangers is not ideal for the same reason, but at least there is some anonymity here. With a third party known to the couple in question, there is more of a suggestion of betrayal and deception. At least we don't have to act and put on an innocent face in front of the people we have been talking about behind their backs. We don't know any of them, and so this is the best scenario in a generally bad situation.

 

Ansuya, so what would you propose in a situation where the spouse is adamant on believing what they are doing is the right thing to do and a person does not have access to anonymous forums like IL? Should they even then not confide with a 3rd party? As you have seen in most cases on IL, the husband is really adamant and there is no way to change the thinking.

 

Interestingly most of the EMA threads posted here start out with spouse was distant - met a guy/girl - became good friends- shared marital issues- emotionally bonded and so on.
Just saying

 

Akanksha, if you've been following my consistent line of thinking in this and other related threads, you'll notice I am not completely against third-party interference, especially if a person has no other options. My specific objection is to long, lingering communications with a person of the opposite sex (that is, same sex as spouse), which to me, is intimacy with the wrong person at a time when the spouse should be receiving full attention in an effort to solve the problem.

If, as you theorize, the "errant" spouse is adamant that what she/he is doing is right, what good would the third-party interference do, anyway? In my experience, only licensed professionals are able to offer VALID, PROFESSIONAL, EFFICIENT, IMPARTIAL help in situations such as this. I am a fairly regular contributor to the relationship problem threads on IL, yet I suffer from no illusions that my advice is consistently any of these things.

Personally, I think a lot of marriages, as reflected on IL especially, suffer as a result of more than two people in the marital bed, so to speak ("close" friend from before marriage, MIL, father of daddy's little princess, and so on). Perhaps it's time to get the whole village out of the bedroom, which may "force" the married couple to engage with each other more meaningfully, right from the start, which might set a better precedent for effective communication within the marriage, as opposed to things degenerating to the point where one would have to look for it outside of the marriage.

In an extended family living arrangement, perhaps this would be impossible. But if a couple is living in their own house, it is possible for them to still maintain a close, loving relationship with family and friends without violating the sanctity and privacy of the marital bond.

I get the feeling from the relationship threads (especially the ones with adamant husbands) that a lot of married men go to great lengths to prove to their families of origin that they're still No. 1 and Wifey will always be No. 2. To me, that's a sign of arrested development. Mature grownups are prepared to devote their lives to their spouses, and this should not threaten any other relationship. However, this cannot be achieved if significant time and energy is still being spent on mollycoddling others (ex-girlfriend, colleague of opposite sex but "just close friends" [yeah, right], MIL, and so on).

At foundation, the dichotomy to me here is this: can we possibly achieve greater intimacy and an improved relationship with our spouse, if the means we seek to achieve this is, in itself, something that can threaten the marriage further?

For me personally, the answer is no. Rihana, thanks for starting this thread. I actually asked my husband what he thought of all this, and thankfully, he and I are on the same page. But I am realistic enough to know that not everyone thinks this way. I do think, however, that we cannot ignore the POSSIBILITY (maybe not probability or likelihood) that the solution (seeking counsel from opposite sex friend) may add fuel to the fire instead of extinguishing it.

 

Seek the advice of family members may be ? If that is not acceptable, marital counselling. Anyway, an adamant spouse is not likely to be very pleased if his/her spouse's friend tries to intervene, more so if the friend happens to be of the opposite gender. There is always a chance that the well-meaning friend's motives will be suspected and that will add a new dimension to the existing problems.