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shameless sister-in-law

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ayeshanaaz, Jul 17, 2007.

  1. ayeshanaaz

    ayeshanaaz Junior IL'ite

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    Hello IL's,

    I have been married for last 2 and half yrs. I have a 6 month kid. My MIL is a widow and my husband only son and SIL only daughter.

    My problem is that my SIL (who is married and having a 3yr girl), is always coming and staying in my house for atleast 20 days in a month.in between just to show people she goes to her house for 3 - 4 days and again comes back. ( EVEN her in-laws dont mind this).

    Right from the day I got married, she is doing this . She , her husband & kid all three come with bags and stay in my house(two bedroom house). at first I used to tolerate as I was also new to the house. but now it is tooo much, there is no privacy at all. Y the hell should we feed this shamelss coupl, who are having their own house, in-laws etc and still always lying in my house.

    I complained this to my husband, but he says he cannot tell directly to her only sis to go out. and my MIL is one BIG BULLY, she keeps calling her daughter and forcing her to come & stay. she even gives epalianation to the son in law for allowing her wife to stay few more days. This keeps continuing ...........................

    They leave us alone for only 6 - 7 days in a month. rest they are always here. and when ever some relatives come my home, my MIL says that her daughter has just come home and will be leaving within an hour or so.... just making people belivee that she is not staying with us... but the fact is she is always here.

    Now my MIL has alloted on almirah to keep all her familys belongings so that she will not have to carry bags everytime:bangcomp: . AND NOW SHE IS PREGNANT FOR THE SECOND TIME AND she has come with all her luggage that too in the 3rd month itself. I have become so irritated that I have stopped talking to her. I dont even see her shamelss face, but still she has no shame, she doesnt care whether I am talking to her or not. she is happily staying in my house even though i dont even look at her, and her hubby, which clearly means that I HATE THEM STAYING IN MY HOUSE.

    yesterday I had a seroius fight with my husband regarding this and he in turn ( whi is very short tempered) called my MIL & SIL in front of me and told clearly that I DID NOT LIKE & asked my SIL to get out of the house ...........and if MIL is supporting he would throw her also out........................................................GUESS what happened after 15MINS of the fight................ BOTH THE SHAMELESS LADIES ARE watching TV and haing snacks, discussing the TV serials................................................... CAN U IMAGINE THE HEIGHT OF SHAMELESSNESS.

    Now my hubby told me that he has done his part, he admitted that everything going on in house is WRONG, but he cannot do anymore.... he accepted that MIL & SIL have no respect for themselves.............and apolozied to me for putting me in such a situation....................

    BUT WHAT DO I DO NOW??????? I am thinking of doing a BIG fight at home with MIL & SIL and going & staying in my mothers house till SIL does not finish her delivery & goes, or leaves early thinking that I have gone just because of her.

    I DONT KNO WHAT TO DO , PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ADVICE ...
     
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  2. Padmash

    Padmash Platinum IL'ite

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    hi Ayesha,

    this is really big problem. But one thing u did wrong by making ur husband to tell ur sil to leave house, they watch tv enjoyed and no effect now they have more guts. so instead of any fights u lock ur expensive items and go for a long leave at ur mother's house if ur husband permits it. i think u r there to take care of everything so they are taking advantage. if ur mother's house is nearby then u can visit inlaws house once a week. ur sil will move automatically when she will see that u r not supporting but i am confused is it right to do with her when she is expecting a baby? or u can move and come back when ur sil and mil need u at last period of her pregnancy. ur sil husband also shameless he don't have any self respect? or if u r not moving by that time u and ur husband don't hesitate for anything like accompanying them just enjoy with ur baby when u want to go out go for dinner, shopping don't invite them with u, may be they leave u alone.
     
  3. hemchi

    hemchi Silver IL'ite

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    That's a problem! Dont know if you are working or not! If you are working, you dont have to tolerate the nuisance throughout the day, but otherwise, it can be a menace.
    But I strongly you not to go to your parents' place. That would make their life easier...she'll permanently shift here. Atleast to your fear, she visits her inlaws place atleast for a week in a month. So you have to tackle it staying inside.
    1) Take the confidence of your hubby and make the sil's family pay something for their stay here.
    2) How about your family alone moving out and staying separately? Let the mil live with her daughter's family.
    3) If you are managing the kitchen, involve your sil and mil. Even otherwise, you can stop cooking for them.
    4) Have one cool and firm talk with mil and sil and explain them that they both are spoling relationships here...since they are doing all this, your family might have to move out...and in mil's oldage there wont be anyone to take care. (emotional blackmail)
    5) You dont have to be afraid of anybody. Make the relatives know that the sil stays in this house...not explicity, but just as a part of casual conversation.
    6) As another ilite said, lock up all the expensive items in your room. If possible keep the tv also inside your room. Sometimes you've got to be rude!
    7) Yet another thing would be to get your mom or somebody stay with you for a while ... just like the sil's family and let them feel the crowd inside the house.
    8) If possible, find out the actual reason of her coming here and try to set that right!! What about your sil's kids' schooling?
    9) Make the house look dirty with your kid's stuff...so that they get irritated too!

    Good luck! Hope your life gets easier soon.
     
  4. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Ayesha,

    Has your SIL started living with your family after your marriage or was she here before your marriage too. Maybe you can get to know from other relatives, friends or neighbours. But best info can be provided by hour hubby.

    As Hem has rightly said try to find out why your SIL prefers to live here instead of her in-laws. Why her in-laws are agreeing to her staying here. Maybe that she is not getting along well with her in-laws and they are too happy to not to have them around.

    Take your hubby into confidence and don't fight with him on this ground but tell him that a daughter and son in law living here does not look good in the society etc. etc. but remember what ever you say is justifiable.

    Your jewellery & other valuables would be safer in a bank locker if you have one in your name.

    Tell them to share your work load and if possible financials also. This might pinch and do the trick. If not you can take a break for couple of months at your mom's place (if your hubby agrees). Also if your mom's place is in the vicinity (not very far) then you can go there everyday around 11-.11.30 and be back around 8 in the evening. Your husband can pick you up on the way. Do not prepare anything for them. Leave all the work for them to do.

    I know this is being mean but sometimes you have to do whether you like it or not. But remember what ever you do take your hubby in confidence otherwise it will strain your relations.

    If you are educated you can also take up a job. So automatically the ladies at home will have to take care of the house work.

    Keep us posted on your achievement.

    Roopa.
     
  5. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I somehow think you didnt do right by dragging your husband and yourself in that kind of situation. next time on, you need not do it.
    I also think going away will make their life easy. But I am of the opinion that You just stop opposing. Dont even try to change anything. All you need to do is, relax your mind and change your attitude. I understand your privacy and quality of life reduces with so many people around. But for your mind's peace, you can convince yourself with some logics like...what if ur SIL was nt married or widow..She may as well be staying with you guys.. I am not telling you to be extra freindly or anything...All I mean is, in life try to change things You can, and try accept thing which you cannt change.. Learn the wisdom to distinguish between two.
    In my sense , I think only time can solve this problem..Your fighting will only make you look bad in overall situtaion. You can take relief in the point that atleast your husband understands and agrees with you, In 90% cases, our Indian husbands will side their illogical sides for the heck of it.
    So just relax your mind and try to enjoy your own life.
     
  6. karuth

    karuth New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I agree with ria...First be happy and relieved that ur husband understands atleast..Mostly making husband understand will be the hardest part.For you only the rest.We can guess how hard it will be. Some solutions can be
    1. Find the root cause of their stay in ur house(That will be the shortcut for solution.).And why ur MIL is encouraging it.....Is it for money saving or spoiling your privacy or just not understanding or she has some problem with her in-laws or what.

    2. Control yourself and dont do cleaning and cooking how much ever time it may take..Change gradually.

    3.Never leave anywhere without your husband.It will become more difficult for you to handle.

    keep us posted.

    bubye
    karthika.
     
  7. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,

    This is really rubbish. How long will you tolerate this. Thinking of going to your mother house will just give them a chance to think that their daughter staying at her mother house is also correct.

    But before giving suggestions, some questions first.
    • Who is doing all the expenses in the house?
    • Who is doing all the cooking and house work?
    If the answer is you'll. Then you have to stop all that. Tell your husband to give all the salary to you and you can run the expense of the house. You can cook for only the two of you. And let your mil know that she will be included only if her daughter leaves the house.

    You have one plus point, that is, your husband has spoken to them. Now you could continue further. If you stop now, then you will have to bear with all this to the rest of your life.

    When your relatives come, tell them about sil staying there all the time. This has got to stop. One may think that this may continue as long as the mother is there, but you never know how long will she live? And how long will this continue? :bangcomp: Tomorrow you will have your own fly.

    It is the right of the parents to look after the first pregnancy of their daughter, not all pregnancies.

    Speak up and act now.:yes:

    Diana
     
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  8. ayeshanaaz

    ayeshanaaz Junior IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    Thanks for the replies, as u asked I am working -9-6, I make the breakfast & leave. Lunch is prepared by MIL. Dinner , my SIL & MIL will be waiting for me to come & prepare. so I come back from office and prepare the dinner.

    Sometimes I tried preparing dinner just enough for me, MIL & my hubby, but then these ladies never complained, and went to kitchen and they themself started preparing for the rest. leaving me feeling ashamed of what I had done.

    My hubby is taking all the house expenses, while I am paying of the Car loan and rest of my salary I am saving. Since I leave my kid with MIL, i cannot take chances with her, If i do she may start neglecting my baby, so I have to be good to her. NO CHOICe.

    But my SIL i dont understand her.. she has no probs with her in-laws, but she always wants to stay with her mother.. and my MIL also keeps calling her and asking her to come back & stay.

    Many times I wanted to talk to MIL, SIL, but I am not sure what should I be saying as it will spoil the peace at home. my MIL is very very attached to SIL & her daughter. some times I feel cheap, & start thinking that I am not a good human being etc... I dont know, now this issue has taken over all my priorities.

    Please advise as even my Mother & father advised me not to come & stay with them, as things will become more conveninet for these two ladies. and also because I have a SIL at my mothers place tooo. so dont want to repeat the same story at my mothers place.
     
  9. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I see, It makes more sense now.
    First of all, dont get bogged down by other's wrong priorities. I would say , be patient. This is passing phase . And it will get over. I dont agree with more aggressive and selfish suggestions given above. To some extent, it's duty of DIL to build the environment in house. If you act downright selfish. They can be more mean too.
    So I would say since they keep your kid. You need to see it in perspective. For preparing dinner and breakfast, You should seek help from them as well. If they dont help .. Then tell your husband you would need a maid 's help to cook dinner for additional people. Just cooking for two of you is quite mean thing. Never do any such mean things, you would invite more trouble and more mean things from other. Be graceful, forgiving and cheerful.
    Dont be too vocal and too aggressive. In long term relations, girl should show her class and her sanskars. What you do in these situations, tell what your parents have taught you. So have a bigger heart and more patient self. Dont let yourself be victim.. At the same time..dont get so carried away by situtations, that you become a villain in house.
    Married life is like a saving account... each day , each hour..you are investing your affection, love and dedicated self to it..and when anytime there be a need.. only then you expect this saving account to come and save you.
    Rest of time, do the deeds, not becos you are doormat or servant.. Just becos its your house.. and You decide what environment you want in this house.

    Dont try to equate yourself with anybody else. You are what your parent made you... they are what their parents made them.. Just dont let yourself wallow in hate,venom and selfishness.

    I am pasting my favorite and all time life -guide poem here, I hope it helps you..This poem always helps me tackle tough things in my life.


    Anyway

    People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centred;
    Forgive them anyway.
    If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
    Be kind anyway.
    If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies;
    Succeed anyway.
    If you are honest and frank, they may cheat you;
    Be forthright anyway.
    What you spent years building, they may destroy overnight;
    Build anyway.
    The good you do today, they often will forget tomorrow
    Do good anyway.
    Give the world the best you have, and it will never be enough;
    Give the world the best you've got anyway.
    You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
    It was never between you and them,
    Anyway.



     
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  10. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi ayeshanaaz,

    So this is the whole picture. I too agree with ria2006, BUT….

    Sometimes it is not right to give someone else to take advantage of you. Just as it is said “paap karnewalla agar gunegaar to paap sehne walla usse bhi bada gunegaar”.

    It was ok to bear also, if knowing that you are a working woman, your mil and sil took charge of atleast doing house-work and not wait for you to come and even prepare dinner. (They prepare lunch as they are at home to eat it but dinner is left for you to be prepared.) You too need rest and some time with your child. Also if some of the expense is shared by your sis husband, then it is understood. But then they stay as though they don’t want to go back, this also not a right thing.

    I have a friend who was in your situation, and the more trouble in her life was, her hubby was working abroad and knew nothing about the situation with his wife. He only knew that his sister was only visiting mom on and off. It was only after the girl left his house and went and stayed with her parents (after going through mental and physical torture), did he come to know the whole truth and arrange to take her with him abroad. The daughter used to pinch her mother against her dil. Later after the dil left, the daughter continued staying with her mother full time, with all her kids, hubby and belongings. Now the situation is such, they are ill treating the mother who now is bedridden. I agree that one gets paid for their wrong doings, but did not my friend go through a hell of time and would have continued if she was still staying there and bearing the troubles, without speaking.

    It is very imp for women to stand up for themselves. We see around many women are troubled and harassed by inlaws and are not speaking up and bearing quietly. Today women are asked to take up education, in order to learn what is going on around them and stand for their right.

    You could follow up with what ria2006 has said as I too agree with it but you should also see to it that you are not mentally/physically tortured by your inlaws.

    In the end what I want to say is… It is very imp how you feel? Guilty for not treating them well Or is it that you feel that if you don’t speak and this may continue for a very long time?

    All the best:2thumbsup:

    Diana
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2007

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