1. Have an Interesting Snippet to Share : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Sexual Needs Frustration - A Particularly Pathetic Example

Discussion in 'Wednesdays with Varalotti' started by varalotti, Oct 3, 2006.

  1. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,238
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    You have written what I wanted to!

    Dear Vandhana,

    Your post is a perfect continuation of what I wrote. In fact I wanted to write something like what you have written. But I did not want to exceed the 1000 word limit. So I stopped there. And you have completed my post with your lucid explanation and a lamentation of things happening now in India.
    I wrote long back when I joined IL about this kind of things. When a widowed, divorced man wants to marry again, he boasts of his children through his first marriage. And he even tells the society "I marry not because I want a wife but because my children want a mother."

    But a divorced or widowed woman does not have that kind of privilege. She has to underplay all her relationships saying that "a divorcee without encumbrances". Read children for encumbrances for children. While a woman has to act like a mother to her husband's first wife's children, the man would not even act like a human being (let alone a father) to his wife's first husband's children.

    That is the way the society functions. One feminist while talking of reforms for women, said, that when you think of women's status in the society, think of your mother and your sister in a similar position. You will soon understand how women feel in a given condition.
    Words worth a million dollars. But who is going to listen?
    Thanks once again for the first response and a very beautiful one at that.
    regards,
    sridhar
     
  2. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,238
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    Your post set me thinking!

    Hello Sihi,
    What you have said is sadly true. I have a bag full of pathetic stories. A girl known to our family got married recently. The boy is good looking, making a lot of money and all.
    But then there was a problem. The boy did not have sexual relationship with the girl for about 6 months. The girl did not want to ask him about it. But at last when confronted the boy confessed that he was a homosexual and that he was having almost a parallel life with his "male friend." The girl was shattered.
    Now, Sihi, there are a thousand stories like this. And we can go on talking for hours. Nothing would happen.

    Do you think that the change should come from men? From the society? In my opinion it will be very naive to do have such an expectation. History is full of instances where a dominant party never gives up his position.
    Let's approach the solution from this angle. Why do boys and men behave like that? It is because (take it from me, this is the only truth) of their demand, the respect, the adoration they receive from women. It is a bold proposition. But please think with me.
    When a girl is ready for marriage her parents start looking for suitable matches. The girls prefer men who are "well settled" in life. Men who are in a good job, making enough money, having a house, a car... the list goes on. Suppose there is a very good boy who is struggling to be, let's say, a painter or a writer. Will any girl marry him? Will the girls parents approve that match? Not at all.

    Will an educated, career-oriented girl marry an unemployed youth? Never, not even in the wildest of her dreams. The girls (and her parents) unconsciously look for somebody who are better placed in life than they themselves are.

    This gives and advange, an unfair advantage, I would say too much of an advantage for such boys. These boys dictate the terms of life, the girl's life.

    Now let's go a level deeper. Deep down in their minds women want an alpha-male, the leader of the pack, somebody who is better than her in foraging food and wealth. Thats why women equality has always remained a far cry.

    Let women come forward to marry good men, even though they are unemployed, they are struggling as writers, artists or painters. Let women forget the fact that the man has to go out and work. Let women be psychologically prepared to have men who are at home- " House-husbands" like housewives. Things will then start to change.

    This is not a direct remedy to Radhika's problem. But a loud thinking that will take care of not only Radhika's problems, but also that of Sushmas.

    I have a writer friend who is very popular now. He hails from a village that is adjacent to my native village, Varalotti. This writer friend was without job for some years. His wife was working.
    In some of his stories he describes the mornings of a jobless man. How he would feel lonely when his wife would have left for work and the children for school. It is a very poetic description. But this man actually has enjoyed it. That is why he writes so well and thanks to that feminine touch his writings are unusually soft.
    I am just thinking aloud, Sihi. let me have your views.
    regards,
    Varalotti
     
  3. srinivasan_vanaja

    srinivasan_vanaja Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,420
    Likes Received:
    72
    Trophy Points:
    103
    Gender:
    Female
    A woman is a woman!

    Hello Sir,

    A woman is a most responsible gender of this creation. She always supresses her feelings and desires when it comes to a married life. It is happening widely even in this modern age.

    Radhika being an unusual woman (only in this context) came out boldly. But it is really surprising why she is not able to find a match now.

    But I am very positive that an unusual man would come for her rescue.

    Sex is not Radhika's need since she had divorced handsome Krish. She was cheated.

    Definitely an understanding person would marry her.

    Vanaja
     
  4. sudhavnarasimhan

    sudhavnarasimhan Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,310
    Likes Received:
    20
    Trophy Points:
    70
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Sridhar,
    I did not really feel too much for woman....and i agree with others that though she burst out emotinally ,she will still be able to find someone.....we all still hopes on MANkind!
    But i wanted to respond to what u have replied to Sihi.....particularly these lines.....
    When a girl is ready for marriage her parents start looking for suitable matches. The girls prefer men who are "well settled" in life. Men who are in a good job, making enough money, having a house, a car... the list goes on. Suppose there is a very good boy who is struggling to be, let's say, a painter or a writer. Will any girl marry him? Will the girls parents approve that match? Not at all.

    Will an educated, career-oriented girl marry an unemployed youth? Never, not even in the wildest of her dreams. The girls (and her parents) unconsciously look for somebody who are better placed in life than they themselves are.


    Let women come forward to marry good men, even though they are unemployed, they are struggling as writers, artists or painters. Let women forget the fact that the man has to go out and work. Let women be psychologically prepared to have men who are at home- " House-husbands" like housewives. Things will then start to change.


    Well does a girl really have a choice....u started ur argument by saying that the parents start searching?!::::So if a girl really falls for or finds a good person who is not settled well and would like to get married...u know the chaos in the family...we have seen so many such egs in our films....so where is the choice for a Girl!?
    When a husband loses his job itself, and wife takes up something....we know how the society makes them feel....and psychological burden that family faces leads to all kinds of breakup in the family structure!
    So you cannot turn around and blame Girls for the Men or Boys turning Homos etc.
    AND DOES A WOMAN REALLY HAVE A CHOICE OR FREEDOM TO CHOOSE...i wonder!
    well this was my thought when i read ur reply....i hope i am not offending u, but only giving the discussion a different line of thinking!
     
  5. sihi

    sihi Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    214
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Varalotti Sir,
    I completely agree with Sudha Narasimhan on the response.

    Now thinking about your lines
    Why do boys and men behave like that? It is because (take it from me, this is the only truth) of their demand, the respect, the adoration they receive from women.

    Might not be true in all cases. Women might knowingly give men an upper hand in things just because she is worried about what society might say and also to maintain harmony in everyone's lives around. In my view even if some women come forward to marry an un-employed youth or a budding artist and a house-husband, people around them will surely ridicule both her and her hubby, if they have children, they will be subject to their mockery as well, because that's not supposed to be society's norm!

    I still wonder if the boys still have that unfair advantage these days. A girl is equally educated....in some cases more than her hubby or the boy. Even in those cases men try to dominate women and if the girl dis-agrees or raises her thoughts, then we all know what will be the outcome of that marriage. Like in Radhika's case - if the situation was other way round and if Krish had walked out of marriage....things would still be fine for him and he would be married again. But in either case Radhika would take the brunt of the situation.

    Also let me ask you one question here sir......I know of many parents who are worried to send their daughter's to master's or even higher studies, just because they think that she might not get a suitable boy. Most of them tell their daughter "you can continue studies if your hubby approves of it after marriage". Why is that so? By doing such things aren't we nipping it right in the bud?

    Isn't it also true that men look for a well-educated, talented partner too? Will in this modren world, a well-settled and well-educated man marry a un-educated girl from a village. We have all seen various ad's in the newspapers......"seeking a professionally qualified girl, good cultural background, family oriented etc etc for our son". This will the line in majority of the ad's these days. I have never seen even a single ad from a well qualified boy's family seeking an average girl with no education. If he does, then for sure he has some shortcomings himself(which I beleive is true in most of the cases).

    Practically thinking - nature has already given we women the responsibility of bearing and rearing children. So a women might not be able to be the sole bread-winner to run the family all the times. Also in some cases where the children need more attention, a mother (a father may or maynot) will first step up and give up her own career and her ambitions to help them and look after them.Its a basic instinct that nature has given women. This might be another reason why parents of a girl might look for a well-educated and
    well-settled boy..so that he can step up and take some burden of their daughter's shoulders in life later.

    In my personal view women in our society have already climbed that step towards equality, but men are still not ready to think in broader terms and accept that fact. It is true what Vandhana said "if Radhika's case had happened in western world she would have married again". I feel, its not the kind of work or being a house-wife or house-husband that matters, but its the mutual respect for the work we do matters.

    Lets for a moment forget about our society - if we look around people from other cultures in our neighbourhood in other countries, we usually see men going to work and women at home taking care of kids and family. A women staying at home quitting her career is usually the norm across the whole world. But in their society they tend to respect what other person is doing by not taking things for granted. Lets for ex. take the case of the famous tennis player couple Steffi Graf and Agassi. After they got married she quit her career and became a family oriented person......taking care of home, kid etc. But we cannot say that, there is no gender-equality in their case.

    Sorry for digressing your topic sir...just put my thoughts across.
    Regards,
    Sihi
     
  6. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,238
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks, Purnima!

    Dear Purnima,

    A good analysis of the possible options. But as you have rightly pointed out the time of Radhika's outburst, her stoming out of her first night room and shouting at all the guests and relatives, is a natural reaction from her side. As many have correctly pointed out, more than the impotency of Krish, what devastated her was the feeling that she was cheated, was taken for a ride.

    I would personally hail Radhika's decision to divorce Krish. And for that impotency is not the reason. The mere fact that Krish hid such a vital fact while entering into one of the most sacred and trusted relationships, put her off. It is better not to live with such persons as their value system is dubious.

    But yes. Radhika could have done it calmly, without any other person knowing it. But not all of us are gifted with such kind of cool, calculated calmness in the eye of the storm. Many of us are not Buddhas.

    I felt sorry for Radhika. But more than that I felt sorry for this society which has been having double standards for quite some time.

    Thanks for the participation, Purnima.
    Varalotti
     
  7. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,238
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    As Usual, A Matured Response, Kamla

    Dear Kamla,

    First of all your ignorance is pardoned. Yes I am a CA by profession, a lawyer by qualification and a writer by passion and a Counsellor by compassion. I am not a professional or a qualified counsellor. In fact I am not very happy with many of the professional counsellors I know.

    But I do counsel my friends, people known to me when they come to me with their problems. I have counselled many CA students who got vexed with life when they failed repeatedly in their CA exams. I counselled a housewife who was not very happy with her husband and made her realise the ground realities of life. When she flew down to Australia to join her husband, I felt as if I have won the Academy Award. I e-counselled a girl in Michigan, USA , who was worried about her little niece becoming pregnat at her 15th year. And Kamla, all of us act as counsellors at times.

    Let me make it clear that I do not have any special abilities nor do I stake any special claims because some people came to me to discuss their problems. There are occasions where my counselling did not help and I have blacked out those cases.

    Agreed, Radhika, should not have acted so violently. She should have calmy discussed that subject with her husband, her parents and then should have decided.

    To compare Radhika's mental state let me describe the death scene in Julius Caesar. Shakespeare says that Ceasar was unmoved when villains like Cassius attack him. But Ceasar's dear friend Brutus strikes him with a dagger Ceasar falls uttering the words, 'Et tu Brute, then fall Caesar.' Antony then describes this scene in his funeral oration. His poignant words are, that the blood of Caesar rushed out to resolve whether Brutus so ungently knocked and that was the most unkindest cut of all. And he says, 'Ingratitute stronger than traiters arms quite vanquished him'.

    That is precisely the mental state of Radhika. Sexual impotency is one thing. But more hurting is the fact that such a vital information has been hidden from her. She felt let down, cheated, taken for a ride. And when Radhika's mind is in such a state of turmoil she could have rationally weighed the pros and cons of her action.
    For tabloids this is a juicy tidbit. One of the relatives tipped them about the incident. The headings were so juicy and Radhika was branded as a nymph.

    Now that is precisely the problem in India. If a man is branded as having too much of sexual urge, it is actually taken as a compliment. But the same trait in woman makes her a criminal, a recluse who has to be shunned. And the beauty is all men would like to have sex with her but none of them are prepared to marry her to accept her as a woman, a human being with a heart.

    A deep sigh and a fervent prayer seem to be the only answer, Kamla.
    regards,
    Varalotti.
     
  8. safa

    safa Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    452
    Likes Received:
    26
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    We have no solutions?

    Hi Sridhar,
    Four threads describing various conditions of Indian Ladies!
    I feel so sad (mad?) bcoz of these helpless state of Indian Ladies....We discuss everything and say if she had accepted this way it wouldn't have happened like this...No one could suggest a perfect solution?
    Radhika got her right to leave that guy who cheated her, she has done what is correct, but was little impatient. We claim we Indians have a great culture, then how could this kind of treatment got this girl from our society? Needless to say if this had happened in some other countries...We can't make a change in our society...people with the infected chest will remain without a change..
     
  9. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,047
    Likes Received:
    1,238
    Trophy Points:
    340
    Gender:
    Male
    Have Posted the Scanned Version of My Story in AV

    Dear All,
    In response to your request I have posted the scanned pdf version of my oru nimida kathaigal which appeared in the latest Anandha Vikatan.
    The link for that thread is
    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3094
    Please read it and let me have your views.
    regards,
    sridhar
     
  10. safa

    safa Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    452
    Likes Received:
    26
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    no no....

    How can I read this Sridhar?
    waiting for the English version........
     

Share This Page