Sexual Needs Frustration - A Particularly Pathetic Example

varalotti · Oct 3, 2006

It is very nice and very easy to say that a marriage has to satisfy the emotional and the sexual needs of the couple. But if it doesn’t? Can we simply advise the aggrieved party to quit the marriage?

I have been a counsellor of sorts. I have been fairly simple and straightforward in my advice. Thus when a woman known to me complained that her marriage failed to satisfy her sexual needs, I told her on her face, if that is so important to her, she should opt for a divorce.

Nothing is more dangerous than staying in an unsatisfying marriage and then going astray for fulfilment of some needs, whether physical or emotional. Of course she could not take the decision to quit.

But now after having heard the case of Radhika I feel I have been quite naïve in giving counsel. When you are a counsellor, when people flock to you for advice, you soon find out, that greater the experience you have in this field, lesser the confidence. In your first counselling assignment you are cock-sure.

But as days goes by you find nothing is sure and everybody lives in his or her own world and there is nothing called the common denominator of wisdom. At that point you become frustrated. You stop counselling and start praying for people. To me that is a sign of maturity.

Now back to Radhika. Radhika had finished her Masters in Commerce and was working as the Accounts Manager of a garment manufacturing company. She was the eldest of three children. She was of wheatish complexion. Her more than average height and her sharp features merited the second glances from the passers by.

She married Krish, a very handsome Sales Manager of a FMCG company. Krish was fair, tall and well built. The whole world envied Radhika. Radhika was on Cloud Nine. But on her wedding night she fell down from the clouds. My God, what a fall it was!

Radhika entered the tastefully decorated room with the traditional milk jar in her hand, dreams in her heart and love in her eyes. Krish stood up to welcome her. He held her hands and made her sit by his side. Radhika blushed.

All of a sudden Krish fell at her feet. “Please Radhika, I beg of you, please forgive me. I wanted to tell everything upfront. But my parents threatened me saying that they would kill themselves if I told about it before our marriage.”
Radhika’s face became pale.

“Yes, Radhika, I am impotent. It was diagnosed some five years ago. I have tried all possible remedies. None of them worked. So…… “

“So what?” A frightened Radhika shrieked.

“Please do not shout dear. You can do whatever you want. But right now all my relatives are outside this room. Please do not create a scene.”

“Who is creating a scene? You cheat! You liar! How can you hold that information from me? You did not want your parents to die; so you went ahead and ruined a woman’s life. Right? No, I won’t leave you alone.”

Radhika stormed out of the room. She did not hide anything. The marriage guests were shocked.

Things moved very fast after that. Radhika filed for divorce. She got it in six months.

Radhika was now only 25. She wanted to focus on her career. She also wanted to marry some other nice man and forget her marriage with Krish.

It was at this time that she faced a peculiar problem. Gracious ILites, you know most of my writings have been focussed on women. I have been fighting for women-equality all my life. But the ideal is one thing and the harsh, practical reality is something different. I want our women to understand this before taking any major decision in life.

Radhika’s case became very popular. Some of the tabloids reported it in page 3. Now the society’s sympathy turned towards Krish, who was silent all the while. Radhika was branded a “nympho-maniac”

(Most of us may not know that this term has been officially removed from the dictionary of psychologists. Because this condition originally was used to refer to a woman, who had too much of a sexual passion. But nobody can define what is the right amount of sexual passion and what is too much. The American Psychologists association has therefore removed this term)

Nobody was willing to marry her. She advertised in the papers and the web. People would come eagerly to see her. But once they come to know of her marriage with

Krish and the reason for the divorce they would silently walk away.

And then came another problem. She had a good job and was making good money. She was respected even by her senior male colleagues because of her sincerity and intelligence. But after the incident there was a silent leer, a mischievous glance and a meaningful grin when they talked to her.

Many men dropped subtle and not so subtle hints about their being ready to fulfil her longings, whatever they may be. Radhika resigned his job and has now become a total mental wreck now.

It is very tempting now advise Radhika that she should not have made a big scene on her first night. She should have kept quiet and should have opted for a divorce later without making the reason known. But that is hindsight.

Radhika was cheated and anybody in her place would have reacted like that. If the tables had been reversed, and Radhika had been found deficient in sex, her husband had shouted at her and walked out of their wedding night…

The society would have accepted his decision. Girls’ fathers would be queueing up to him to give their daughters in marriage to the virile man. Is it because he is a man? Radhika got a raw deal because she was born a woman? Please enlighten me.

Varalotti

Vandhana · Oct 3, 2006

Emotions ruling over the mind!

Dear Sridhar,

Another beautiful example that brings out the hypocracy in our Indian Society!. Yes Krish did cheat her and your question about what if it is the other way around also holds true. But given the shock of the moment, people usually let their emotions rule their life rather than think rationally about the consequences.

Given Indian Society's tendency to step on and crush Women for even the most miniscule of offenses, there is nothing surprising about the way she is being perceived now. Even today , when you open a matrimonial section in the papers, the men always will advertise as being" innocently divorced" etc.... and will want a pure untouched women. But the same if a women is divorced or widowed, no bachelor will come forward to marry her. Even if one does come forward, i think his parents will not be for the marriage. If you know of any instance where this has happened then it is very rare.
If Radhika's case had happened in one of the western countries, everybody would be sympathising with Radhika. And am sure she would be married to another by now. I think we have a long way to go in our Indian society as far as upliftment of women is concerned in all aspects of life. Not just in education and career.
I wish all women will be like the women in the classic Smita patil movie, Mirch Masala. If you have seen it, you will know what i mean. After being subjected to sexual harrasment from the vilage chief and with no help from their husbands, the women together show the chief , the spice of life!!. thereby ending his harrasment. But in reality, if Radhika were to go and talk to the wives of all the men who propositioned her, the wives will not believe her !!! And she would be harassed even more by everyone.
And yes , Radhika got a Raw deal because she was a woman and I must admit that even we women will give her the raw deal.

Vandhana

sihi · Oct 4, 2006

Hello Varalotti!
Many women like Radhika are suffering for no fault of theirs...that's the saddest part here.
As Vandhana said, we still have a long way to go when it comes to gender-equality in our Indian society. Society might still accept if Krish's parents found him another girl (by hook or by crook) and got him married again.

My close relative was married off by her parents as they found a "good" boy when she was around 22 yrs. He is well educated and working with a reputed multinational company. But after an year of marriage they found out that the boy was mentally unstable is undergoing treatment with a psychotherapist. Girl's life is ruined...but our society still suggests the girl and her parents that she should still stay with the boy...no matter what. Would the guy and his family do the same if the situation was with the girl? No way....they would have
filed for a divorce saying that the girl's family cheated them and got him re-married by now. But now this girl has no option but to wait hoping that one day her hubby will be cured of whatever mental problem he has.

I wonder why in our society there is such an difference between a man and a woman? Is this the same society that accepted Kunti's sons? accepted Draupadi even when she was married to 5 persons at the same time? I wonder if someone does that now...how will the reaction of the society be? Today all those are referred to as the great scriptures in our hindu culture (please note that I am not trying to dis-honour anything)....but what in reality if someone
does it now..will people digest the fact?

Well, let me ask all you gracious ILites here and also please note that by asking this I am not trying to demean anyone here......will any of you accept Radhika if she married a close relative of yours? I personally would accept her...because she has not done anything wrong.

Regards,
Sihi

purnima_2k · Oct 4, 2006

Thinking calmly

Dear varalotti,

I read this piece two or three times.First two times when i read it, i supported Radhika blindly thinking there was nothing wrong in what she did. When i did read it for the thrid time, i changed my opinion slightly.This is what i feel. Radhika was cheated.Krish was a nice guy, he did not intend cheating Radhika, but his love was his parents was greater than towards an unknown girl.He was stupid not bad. IN General, Radhika did have 2 options as we all know

1) Divorce Krish
2) Stay with him and suffer impotency for the rest of her life

and we all know, (1) was exercised by her. If i were Radhika , i may have considered the following(after of course initial shrieking and yelling):

a) Divorce Krish in private w/o creating a scene--since Krish seemed to be a nice guy, they could work out on a common ground and then divorce.

b) If she really wanted to try and work it out with him, she could have tried out on the medical facilities on her behalf on a more serious note, and if she was convinced there was no hopes, she could then file a divorce as per (a) above.

Varalotti, empathising with Radhika, the above two points are very easy from a third persons point of view.Like i told you earlier, i arrived at these points after thinking a lot. BUt V, like you have rightly said, for a person with dreams in her heart and love in her yes, wouldnt be thinking the way a third person does. All i can say is poor Radhika should have been more calm in handling the situation.She should have thought of herself( and her future) more, without reacting impulsively.Also, knowing the hypocracy of Indian society, she should have acted more out of her mind than that of her heart.

My total sympathies with Radhika. Hope other ladies in her position act more cleverly.

Purni

Indrabolt · Oct 5, 2006

Sexual Frustration?

My dear Indian Ladies,

As a blue-eyed white guy from Canada, I don't understand much of your statemements.

Don't you have the concept of " Void Marriages". Marriage is a Speciality Contract. All contract must have: " Consideraton". Sexual relations are the consideration in the Marriage Contract. If the marriage was not comsumated by sexual relations, how does the marriage exit?

To me, I read the elements of a "Void Marriage". This is annuled marriage. Legally, it never existed. The elements of Contract never existed.

Why would you even consider the problems of a divorce when the " Marriage Contract" never came into being. A marrige in a church with a 1,000 people does not make it a marriage. Just try to enforce a contract that " lacked Consideration. Consideration is generally money, or sexual relations.

Please help me, I'm lost!!!!

Your friend,

Indrabolt

Kamla · Oct 5, 2006

Dear Varalotti,

You are back again with another snippet of life. These are like riddles and one's mind gets busy trying to solve it. But as it is Life that we are talking about, solving does not happen easily. A person's age, gender, experience and culutre, all play a big big role in assessing such incidents.

First of all, pardon my ignorance. But I would like to know what you mean when you say you are a ' counsellor of sorts'?? I know that your are CA and also a lawyer, right? And a writer of repute. So who becomes a counsellor and how does one quailify for that? It sounds like a very interesting role and I did not know about such counsellors in India and hence the question.

True. Radhika's case is truly sad and unfortunate. This particularly can happen easily in our Indian culture where marriage is often arranged and besides the couple not knowing each other, the families too do not know one another. They later end up discovering many unpalatable truths and discover skeletons hidden in the cupboards. I am sure all of us can come up with one or more such incidents amongst our family or friends.

Maybe I am naive. But I was a bit surprised that Radhika reacted so violently and so outwardly outraged about her 'husband' s malady on the wedding night and amidst so many people. That tabloids would go have a field day about such an incident surprises me even more considering she is no celebrity. That Radhika would have problems finding suitors with such a reputation does not surprise me. You being the counsellor, why don't you advise her to move to a different city and start a fresh life and work her way slowly from there? And before that, make it clear to her that anger and outburst will not get you far in life. Calamities happen. One just has to deal with it.

As to the question of indian society being kinder to a man in a similar circumstance..well..what else do you expect? We want to maintain our culutre, respect our stance on a woman's virtue, keep up with modern changing times, hold on to our heritage and suddenly hope that men will shower a woman who has openly shunned her impotent 'husband' with accolades and wedding offers? You can't have the cake and eat it too!!!!

I know my views on this topic are cynical, but, what else can they be?

L, Kamla

purnima_2k · Oct 5, 2006

To Indrabolt

deleted the message

varalotti · Oct 5, 2006

A Dose Of Indian Law!

Hi Blue-Eyed White Guy,

We do have the concept of void and voidable marriages. But sexual gratification is not the consideration in the legal sense of the term for a contract of marriage.

Of course sexual potency of the parties is a material information which has to be disclosed upfront in any marital contract. When that is not done the other party can go to the court and seek either a divorce or an annulment.

According to the Indian law the marriage comes into existence the moment the proper Hindu ceremonies are performed. When the parties take the proverbial seven steps around the sacred fire, the marriage is solemnised and comes into existence. And if it is found later that either of the parties hid any material information the only relief available to the other party is divorce.

Well, Mr. Indrabolt, that is not the issue here. Radhika got her divorce easily. The problem is her remarriage. The problem is the stigma that the Indian society attaches to a girl who has sought divorce on grounds of her husband's impotence. The problem is that the poor lady is labled a sex-maniac by the society creating problems for her at her work place.
Varalotti

Ushakrishnan64 · Oct 5, 2006

Dear Sridhar,
Radhika's emotions are understandable, though her impulsive reaction is not acceptable.
When a girl looks at her husband on the wedding day with love in her eyes..she must be thinking :" I am leaving behind my family and starting my life with you". How can a marriage start on lack of trust?
Radhika's problem was not "SEX" but the bitter truth of being cheated by her husband and in-laws. However, her reaction seems very FILMI. Another blunder she committed was: allowing her story to be printed on Tabloid..Totally unaccepatable. Did she expect sympathy votes from the public?
She should have approached this sensitive issue on a more mature note and settled for divorce on mutual consent.
Regards
USHA KRISHNAN

Chitvish · Oct 5, 2006

The best part of your post was.....

There is nothing called the common denominator of wisdom.
You are very right.
Do you think, a young girl looking forward to an “amorous encouter with her beloved” on her wedding night , besides being rudely shocked by his blatant admission about impotency, will have the presence of mind to use her head instead of her heart? Her storming out of the room, blurting out the truth to the whole world is a natural sequence to her shock. How unbearable the news must have been to her ! As Usha said, that she was cheated, must have upset her more intensely. Well, about the tabloids writing this, I do not think she had any plans to sensationalise, but press waits to gobble up and make a mountain out of a molehill. She was a victim of the cruelty of the press. Do you remember the cases of 2 Vidhyas in Tamil Nadu – one last year & one this year, for various reasons ?

It is very surprising that no man comes forward to marry her knowing that she is an “untouched virgin”! They realise that she is a woman who has the guts to “ call a spade, a spade” and it is that guts, no doubt, scares men away. Every man wants a coy subservient wife, who will not have the emotional strength to assert her rights. There is no other valid reason. Man likes to flirt with a woman, throw sly glances, leer silently, glance mischievously and grin meaningfully! If it comes to marrying that girl, he puts an end to “fun” and wears a different garb ! He wants a bride, who will anyday have “less guts” than him – this split personality is present in every, let me correct myself, rather most of the men. He will be a Romeo, but the wife has to be a Sati Savitri ! Shame on the double standards of men !

I am very sure Radhika will be able to get a good match, in spite of the delay. When divorcees with issues are getting married, Radhika need not worry at all. I am sure, once married to a good understanding man, she will call and tell you “ It was worth waiting for him” ! I have not completely lost faith in men, having interacted with three wonderful men in my life – father, husband and son.

Love & regards,
Chithra.