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sex outside marriage

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by kknew4, Jan 20, 2012.

  1. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks Bukbuk for the left handed compliment. :)
     
  2. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    I just didn't understand one thing in your long post. When you didn't yourself live separately after knowing about your h's EMA, but rather stayed coldly with him and had him 'win' you back, why do you suggest kknew to separate legally from his wife? Well, he can do the same thing as you did! Stay under one roof but live as if she doesn't exist. Make it clear to her implicitly that she doesn't matter as much as an ounce to him. I agree your solution was effective. This may have more impact on the EMA prone woman than a dirty divorce where she gets a chance to display her histrionics and win others' sympathy and probably win brownie points over kknew. Am curious why you separating legal separation?

    Anyway, I guess kknew has suggested somewhere he's trying to be aloof but his thick skinned wife is liking his non-interference and seeing it as a sign of his weakness. Perhaps kknew must change his lifestyle to tackle this. All this assuming legal divorce is not an option for him at all. My few cents are as follows

    1. Stop physical relationship with her totally
    2. Talk to her only when absolutely necessary, otherwise just ignore her
    3. Don't consult her on anything
    4. Develop extra bonding with child while ignoring the mother all the time
    5. Develop new hobbies to keep yourself busy all day, even weekends
    6. Enjoy life to the fullest.
    7. Develop a discrete network of close friends whom you keep informed about things happening in your life
    8. Never pity yourselves, never let yourself feel lonely
     
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  3. kknew4

    kknew4 New IL'ite

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    Thanks!! and best to you. What you said is very logical and apply to most of us. But as I understood now, for my wife, I am not dealing with a normal person because of her upbringing in a bad env. The env where she has seen 5+ divorces in last 12y and they will demonize the man to justify divorce and cry in the society to maintain high repo. thats why I see how options working on normal persons wouldn't work. She would never accept what she did even at the cost of divorce. She is not afraid and knows very well that as she doesn't work she would get a decent alimony ~40-60k rupees/m if I divorce her - I have a high paying job. If I send her to her mom place, she would be very happy and do the same there. So she won't miss a thing and will never feel the heat. I don't know how our family model would work if I keep living that way as it is. I can't be around her all times and there would be time when I am away or she is gone to meet parents. I can say if I don't want to be cheated then I would need to divorce her. Looks like this boils down to following two options:

    1. I divorce her, agree for maintenance/alimony, have limited access/control on child (if lost custody - you never know the court system and divorce may become hostile), feel happy that I did take a stand and lived up to moral values, be alone -atleast for some time if I plan to find someone, start new life which would be much better than this.

    2. don't divorce her, keep very low expectation from her, keep living in lying, cheating, betrayal, and all similar thing, ignore her and let her do whatever she does (I would need to rewire my mind to allow this), take care of child, no maintenance/alimony cost, losing/switch job or doing something simpler (I don't know what is point to work hard and earn so much money in a broken family model), consistent with parents/relatives thinking.

    Any opinion?
     
  4. kknew4

    kknew4 New IL'ite

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    Are you suggesting to do these once I tell her what she did and she would clearly know why I am doing this. Right?
     
  5. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    Which of the two options do you want for yourself?
     
  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi

    ********
     
  7. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    The DW finds EMA normal like her Mom says , what does the OP want to do about it ? He knows but cannot decide.
    Just discussion no solution.
    Seems to be a vent thread.:hide:
     
  8. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    Doesn't she already know that you know what she did?

    Yes the intention of doing this is to show that you clearly don't give a damn.
     
  9. Naksh

    Naksh Platinum IL'ite

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    You seem to give an impression that she is doing it again and again and is proud of it. Can you please back that up with soem mroe, if you will. no you dont have to . helps memebrs give you the right advice . if it hurts you to think n put that all down - its fine. dont worry about it. no big deal.

    whatever the masla might be.......You know your options. I am thinking option 2 would be the better at this point of time for starters, try it. if it doesnt work n puts u un kid under stress then try option1 . if she doesnt like you - well she doesnt-- cant do much. dont develop feelings for her too - not worth it. just ignore her and do your stuff. And dont forget to njoy - go watch a movie daily if you have to.
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2012
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  10. Reflection123

    Reflection123 New IL'ite

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    I desperately needed a TEMPORARY roof over my head that time, or else I would have to move to a homeless shelter......or would have to leave my college in the US in between semester.I needed time only to accumulate some money of my own, and to stand on my feet....and the idea was NOT to live with him so that he could change, but to buy some time---so that I could have a home where I could stay. He changed, and regretted so much .... was my good luck, and a very unexpected event!!...Had he not unexpectedly changed in that time period, I'd be living somewhere else today.

    Unless one has experienced it himself, it is very difficult to gauge the pain of the partner who is enduring his/her spouse's extra-marital. No agony is deeper than this. You obsessively think and live in the fear of what might be going behind your back. Your life gets hollow.....and hellish. People can think of committing suicide too.....there is a bottomless pit that your pain pushes you towards...Thats why I am suggesting the OP to live separately and then decide whether to divorce or not.

    I forgave my husband because his extreme repentance gave me a surety..that he won't cheat me now. That kind of assurance is required. Without this assurance life can never be normal...let go of being happy.
    Its NOT ok to live such a life.....a person who is enduring this pain can be emotionally pushed to any limit when the pain and insecurity start hurting beyond a point!!
     

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