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sex outside marriage

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by kknew4, Jan 20, 2012.

  1. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    Agree with fencesitter. Some here do seem a bit agitated that he is not taking immediate action on his wife (or working on their invaluable suggestios). Lol. But am darn sure OP knows all his options and is even tad smarter than everyone here.
     
  2. Reflection123

    Reflection123 New IL'ite

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    It stings the way she asserts that its a mistake that is similar to the kind that "everyone makes"!!...
    I must tell you that my own DH once had an EMA.

    Leaving him would've meant, leaving the US and fighting a court case for alimony in India--I couldn't leave US, because that would've affected my college, and I didn't have the resources to fight a court case for alimony against him in this country !!....Those days I had to stay in my DH's home, but he knew it without any doubts that the day I'd get my own money or be able to afford a home of my own, I would walk out!!....I threw him out of my heart..and even while living under the same roof because of financial reasons...I didn't accept the relation of a husband-wife!!...He too thought that an EMA wasnt a big deal....but seeing my coldness towards the relation, and knowing that the coldness was for real! I didn't care any more if he loved me...or hated me...or was lying..cheating ...disloyal...sleeping around. I didn't care if he existed. I wasn't upset--I was living my life to the fullest....enjoying and working--just that he became non existent to me, and I was only waiting to get rid of his shadow even--by moving out the day I could afford it!

    ......He had to work very hard to get me back as his wife ....... He knew that he had messed up in a way, that might not be forgiven. He repented, was sorry, accepted his mistake as a big one...and vowed never to repeat it. He had to convince me hard that he truly repented...only then I forgave him, and we are very happy now--and we love each other a lot!!

    Don't forgive such mistakes , unless the other person realizes the gravity of the damage he's done!..If you can afford it.....live separately for a while--let the other person atleast 'taste' the consequences of what he's done.

    Forgiving without the cheating spouse realizing the depth of his mistake is like cheating yourself. First time someone cheats you, its his doing....second time someone cheats you---its your mistake!

    I would really say file for legal separation and tell her that you need time to 'think' about whether you'll file for divorce or not. Let her bear the pain of uncertainty and insecurity. In the time you are away from her, don't focus on her at all!! Focus on yourself.....learn to live a good, happy life being with yourself. Let her take care of the child while you're living separate from her---you keep a watch on what kind of parenting your child is getting from her. Meet your child regularly. Talk to your child VERY frequently, and KNOW from him whether he is sleeping on time, whats he eating, how is he doing in extracurrciculatrs and academics, does he have good friends--for 2/3 months just watch her single parenting. Analyze things again after separation--You will get more clarity regarding----whether she genuinely repents anything? How much she longs to get back together with you?---and if you still don't think she realizes anything.......just take a call on whether she is capable of taking care of a child also, or whether the child is better off with you ! Take the responsibility to make sure you're not cheated and your child gets good upbringing (by both parents--or by the single parent who is MORE capable)
     
    8 people like this.
  3. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Reflection....:hatsoff.Nothing more to say.
     
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  4. indus2

    indus2 Senior IL'ite

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    Perfect - so you approve of sex with someone who is not your husband. You approve of Polygamy and Polyandry .... Quite a liberal view that not many on this forum would approve of !
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 27, 2012
  5. indus2

    indus2 Senior IL'ite

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    The suggestion is not meant to be aimed at taking revenge but to give the man some peace if divorce is not an option. The man has to live with some peace if he has to run his family and raise a kid in such a situation. I am sorry but moral values sound like a great reason but isnt really practical in such a situation. What you really need is freedom from social pressure to be able to do something for yourself (for a change !)
     
  6. indus2

    indus2 Senior IL'ite

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    None other than Krishna, the Yaduvanshi - Yadu and his brother Puru - I am guessing you know how they were born too ?
     
  7. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear friends,

    I am once again requesting ALL MEMBERS to maintain decorum in your exchanges on the forum. While I agree that threads are livelier when there is an active exchange of opinions, information and ideas, and that such exchanges constitute a healthy interaction, it is absolutely essential that such exchanges be factual, friendly exchanges. Abrasive words and one on ones are neither called for nor acceptable. It is perfectly possible to express one's disagreement with another member's perspective in civil words or to agree to disagree.

    I would like to make it very clear that I am not addressing any individual on any one side of a discussion. When I post my replies to threads here, it is as an individual member. The likes I give here is in my individual capacity as a member. But I would also like to make it adequately clear that whenever any post comes up that is going to lead to an unpleasant exchange, I shall take necessary action against that post irrespective of my personal opinions which have no place in my role of moderator.

    I do hope I do not have to repeat myself again in this matter.

    P.S. While the discussion on whether EMAs in Vedic and Pre-Vedic times was acceptable or not is certainly an interesting one, it would be a subject matter for a separate thread. Let us not divert from the OPs subject of his own situation and what he needs to do. If the OP thinks he has got a sufficient number of suggestions, he can let me know and the thread can be closed. If not, please stick to the main point of the thread and post any suggestions you think can help the OP.
     
    2 people like this.
  8. kknew4

    kknew4 New IL'ite

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    Not really. I am not here to vent. I am very private person and it is very difficult to put eveything here. Ideally I wanted to have the opnion based on my 1st post. thats why I added there that all mentioned things are facts. But obviously people will have doubts which they want to clarify so I ended up adding details.
    This is correct that I am aware of the situation and the options I have. Only thing I am looking is a better way to deal with this and if I am not missing any obvious thing. I know things are so broken that sometime I think I am beating a dead horse.
     
  9. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Reflection....you are strong person....hats-off for your courage and strength.
     
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  10. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    Nice warning. A bit late but better late than never?
     

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