Set your priorities straight......Just don't blame someone.

Set your priorities straight......Just don't blame someone.

Congrats that it worked for you. You are sure a brave and independent person who can stand up for yourself.

But getting priorities straight is not something that every woman in every situation can do. Sometimes MIL, FIL, BIL,SIL are to be blamed for their nastiness and overbearing attitude. Thats how it is. Expecting every woman to stand up and fight and get their way is not as easy. People can lose their peace of mind, their marriage, children, happiness. Sometimes compromise can be the best solution.

 

Keertana

I love your post, and I will take it in the spirit I think you intended it - as a discussion of how you have chosen to live your life and manage your relationship, in the hope that others here can maybe learn something from your insight. It's wonderful to see a positive, inspiring, realistic, and intelligent message regarding problem marriages and in-laws. I did not read any judgment or criticism in what you said - rather, I think you have presented a balanced view of your experiences and the conclusions you have come to as a result of them.

Of all the things you said which were significant, this stood out for me:

I strongly agree with this. I think diplomacy has a time and a place, but when it is clear that it is not working, then a stronger approach needs to be taken. I also agree with others who have said that this is not always possible, due to personality or other factors. However, that does not diminish the importance of what you are saying. I suspect more women here need to hear this message you have - even if it strikes a chord with just one person, and helps her to improve her relationship and enhances her peace of mind, then your efforts will have been worth it.

Sometimes we are just too "nice" - we want everyone to like us, and we think that if we don't rock the boat, one day, everyone will wake up and realise that we were right all along and congratulate us for taking the high road. The reality of life is, in some situations, if you don't assert yourself, you'll always get the short end of the stick.

I share your views and attitude. I decided early on what I would and would not put up with in romantic relationships (dating is acceptable in my community, so I had a chance to work on this before marriage). I also have reviewed my relationships with my own immediate family members over the years and have a clear idea of who is good for me, and who is not. As you put it, it's all about priorities and knowing your own mind. It has not always been easy to put my thoughts into action, but it has been worth it in the end.

Thank you for sharing your experiences so openly with us. I hope you will continue to participate here, especially since you have such helpful insights to share.

 

Hi Kitty

I appreciate your thoughts and straight forward , diplomatic way of dealing with problems.

But all are not so lucky specially in our Indian families,

I have tried everything possible, made my opinions and suggesstions clear, raised my voice etc etc but it was 1:3 ratio, my DH,MIL, FIL and sometimes two SIL's against one (that's me) so as a result I end up loosing, traumatised, disturbed......

Kitty what u said is posible only if you have some support and understanding from your DH, if this is 0% then you are done!

In the initial years of my marriage, my inlaws were managing the home and I was treated like a "thrash" and my DH being their only son, his parents where more than God for him (rather God itself). It was the most miserable years of married life which I dont want to even think of.

Then after my DD was born things did change slowly, DH understood me and started considering me as a part of the family, and only because of his support I cud improve my position in that house. Here my patience paid off well.

today I can proudly say I conquered my inlaws as I solely took over everything and even can make independent decisions, ofcourse by default I am used to continious nagging, scolding by my MIL.

What I mean to say is "Some times we cannot just cut and right put forth our opinions or frame our own rules, it take's time (even years)

 

Agreed.. that being straightforward does not work in every case. But there are some cases where if ladies try to be straight forward, it will work for them. I would like to give an example to such ladies.

I am straight forward and my cousin sister is not. Because of my straight forwardness I am marked a rebel. Because of my cousins quiet nature she is treated a good girl. Both our parents are against love marriages. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being liberal and 10 being very strict, my mom is a 10, my aunt is 5.

I fell in love, there was no way my mom would agree. She would rather kill me than to agree for my love. But I stood up for myself, it wasn't pretty, I had to face a lot of scoldings, threats, and what not... but I stood my ground. It took 2 long years, but in the end my mom came around. I am married to my love, my DH and that is the best thing that ever happened to me.

My cousin sis fell in love too. Her parents are very liberal when compared to my mom. If my cousin would say 'I will marry no one else but this guy' and stand up for herself, they will agree to her wishes. But my cousin says she is not as daring and lucky as me. So she gave in and is settling for an arranged marriage even though it breaks her heart.

I know my aunt/uncle, standing up for herself will definitely work for my cousin... but my cousin says she is not that lucky, it worked in my case but won't work in hers. WHAT??? :spin Anybody who knows my mom will know that my cousin has better chances of having a love marriage than me.

Where there is a will, there is a way... If you want your life to be as rosy as some people who fight for themselves, then fight for yourself too.. don't just say your case is very different and the other person is simply lucky.

Disclaimer: I KNOW THIS IS NOT FOR EVERY LADY OUT THERE, I AM NOT GENERALIZING ANYONE.
But if you are (like my cousin) in a situation where standing up for yourself will work but have been keeping quiet thinking it won't work, then please give it a try before saying it won't work.

 

These are wonderful words. Setting priority as per kitty is absolutely right however we cannot see that every situation will have only two sides...and my DH used to feel this way and made life miserable for abt one and half of year of my marriage. All he would say is if u like u live or leave and go out of marriage (point blank). Like spiderman said there are some grey shades as well which he realised gradually and now trying to look at things beyond anger, however he has made so so so much damage that all the respect that I had amongst my near and dear was broken by him which takes a long long time to rebuild. The wound that he has made in me cannot heal so soon.

He is / was never a mama's boy but never understood emotions. All girls are not trained to handle all things / set priorities perfect as kitty said, but men have to understand that. After all we women are also humans and have same emotions, aspirations and desires like men. His career, his dream job, his love for his profession is more important - he never sees what I want, though he says that he is bending his back to make things fine.I have to move to place where he likes but never think that I am not comfortable with it, but just speak so much and make my life miserable and agree to what he says. (JMO)

 

Hi Kitty,

You have spoken your mind and i must say you are lucky to be tuning your husband from the very beginning to make him listen to you in spite of living with in-laws.
But as Maggi99 pointed it is not always that easy.
I have been married for 3 years now and my husband made it quite clear to me that no matter what his mom does he is not going to do anything but rather be a good son. He told me to get out of the house if i do not like his decision. I am ready to get out but i stuck because of my parents.They cannot take this and once when i talked to them about they nearly had a stroke and i still stuck with this monster. And frankly i have no peace. The drama that my inlaws do that my husband does and to satisfy my parents are making me crazy.I cannot tell you the number of sleepless nights that i have and often i cry myself to sleep. This is seriously affecting my health and i am not able to do anything about it. I have talked to my husband at length to make him understand and all he does is listen but no action.
I am to blame myslef here. But should i go ahead and fight with my parents too ?

 

Kodavati, that is really awful. I see you are living in US. Are you employed? Financially independent? On green-card or able to get H1 if you are not employed? Please do not take emotional abuse. It will destroy your self-esteem eventually just like now it has destroyed your peace of mind. I am sure your parents want to see you happy even if you are divorced! If you are employed, then please try to separate from this man unless he changes. If you are not employed, then please try to get a job so that you can take steps to become financially independent and separated. Please don't tolerate abuse and please don't think you are stuck. As I said, your parents may not want you to be unhappy and may even want you to divorce him if your sanity is at risk.

 

Hi Anuradha, Appreciate your words for Kodavati.

Its easily said than to put things into practice. Well I was known to be bold girl who started work early in life and could speak to any one without fear BEFORE marriage... well life changes completely for many after marriage. You have to put up with emotionally / verbally abusive husband for the sake of keeping up the marriage and again its because the aged parents would not have the strength to take it. Though we dont bother about what the crappy society would speak... we have to to be stuck with it. Not easy.

This happens to working women and non working also. Atleast working women have some change when they go to work. Non working (due to visa issues / language issues in many European countries) have to suffer 24/7.

 

WAY TO GO GIRL.I ADMIRE UR FREE SPIRIT AND UR INDEPENDENCEthumbsup