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Set your priorities straight......Just don't blame someone.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kitty123, Mar 19, 2010.

  1. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Kitty

    I guess you have to go through our relationship with inlaws forum to understand how inlaws who live far far away from DIL, still control DILs life and her house.

    Basically its about the nature of the person. It doesnt matter whether you are living with them or away from them. As long as a person has this habit of constant poking, bullying and commenting on the new member of the house it doesnt matter how far they both are living.

    So lets not come to that conclusion of DILs living far away should be having less problems etc...or they shouldnt complain etc

    Yours is indeed a sucess story however..again as our friends said...it worked out for you ....so good..but every girl, every family may not have the same kind of upbringing or thought process.

    Remember marriage is about 2 people. Not 1. So even if one person wants to find solutions, and work it out, if the other is not ready to support and follow the path or lead the path...there would be more hurdles, and pain and worries and complaints.So how anyone resolve issues in this situation. We suggest Walk out :) but again wheher they can follow that or not depends on the upbringing and the self esteem and confidence levels of the woman isnt it??

    But am sure every woman does her best to fix issues. Specially I have always seen the newly wed DILs wanting to have a good relationship witht heir inlaws..but the truth strikes when the inlaws start either being greedy pigs or poking monsters.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2010
  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    But in the nights your husband have to take care of the kid right?If my husband have to do he simply say stright NO and he will stronly push me to leave with any of the grand parents.No way he can take care of the kid in the night that too for a period of month..
    May be I should have dicussed all these cases before I have the kid.I may not have that kind of wisdom nor the knowledge at that point.My husband simply would say either leave the job and or leave the kid with grand parents.
    it's simply working for you girl,that's all and all the best.
     
  3. kitty123

    kitty123 New IL'ite

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    Sri, I have never concluded anywhere that all DILs who live far complain more. Please do not misunderstand. I only said that though interaction is less but still they seem to have complaints when in fact they are in a better position by staying away and getting more time and space to have open talks with husband.
    Better oppurtunity to get your mind to him..:)

    Marriage is not a piece of cake for all. We all know this. If both of them agree on something, have same ideas then yes that is a piece of cake.
    But some bold steps need to be taken when that does not happen...right?

    How we are brought up matters but it should not matter to an extent that it dictates you and leads you to suffocation. My parents are totally orthodox...both of them. For my marriage, though their idea was entirely different......typical arranged but I liked the system of knowing the person to some extent before getting the knot tied. I had to face a lot to get my opinion across but finally they branded me rebellious, spoiled brat influenced by western ideas (since by then I went out of country for an official trip for 15days to Dublin...:rotfl)
    Should I say yes to their idea when I know I will not be happy with that? The online dating system served as a better alternative for me becos I did not fall in love with anyone either. Through this I could meet someone and it took me close to 8 months to come to a decision. Could I have done this if I tried to please my parents?

    I mean there are lot of women who want to do things differently, their way but do not take that extra step to do it their way. I think this applies to inlaws issues too. If it is not YOU, who can change the way you are treated? Will cribbing, complainig, crying and finally compromising with your fate solve the issue? I don't think so!

    I urge everyone here not to take me wrong. I am telling this again I have no problem if woman in distress is posting here. I am not questioning that. I appreciate this support system.
     
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    You still kept saying this again n again:) I dont know what are your intentions however it looks as if you want to point out about DILs who stay away just by taking one single example..i.e yourself.

    Anyways the way I look at it is..When DILs live in joint family, with inlaws day in day out...over the time husband sees how the wife is tolerating and handling his parents and slowly atleast he starts taking his wifes' side.

    However on the other hand, for DILs who live far away from inlaws, just like hte way you commented...even husbands feel why does she complain or have problem with his parents when they live far far away..inspite of DIL listening to crappy talks and comments of inlaws tolerating their nonsense phone calls, fights instigated by them, the husband becomes blind and it really does take long long time to realise that his wife was doing her best to manage his parents expectations and trying to keep her family intact.

    Point here is...What might work for one may not work for another..There are DILs who live with inlaws still husband keeps taking his parents side and inspite of 20 yrs of marriage DIL still feel like an outsider in her own house.

    Same way there are husbands who after realising the bad treatment his parents gave to his wife, have tried to keep minimal contact to ensure his family happines (i.e his and his wifes')

    So there are all types of people around. If you are able to be strong, make judgements well, get support from your husband, lay down rules and everyone getting your point and you able to make your life better...ALL is SUPER COOL...as long as it works..But as I said earlier every woman may not score points or may not be able to make cut throat judgements and decisions like the way you did.

    Now coming to why woman suffocate in a relationship instead of quitting etc...This is a repetitive topic ..there are several such parallel threads running on this topic already...ex:http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/42839-why-are-indian-women-like.html

    Only thing that really irks me is how we woman try to judge and pass comments on our fellow woman ...How we think If we are successful in workingout something...why not they work on it and make it right instead of cribbing and complaining...but what we forget is...we are dealing with different people and different back grounds and broughtups. Which is the most necessary ingredient. (I understand you coming from an Orthodox family..however seems like you were a born leader who wants things their way :) however I have seen woman who came from the most broad minded families but still they are the most silent and most bend backwards type, I have also seen girls from orthodox families they were rebels like you interms of education or going out with friends..however when it comes to marriage they all are pretty much followers than leaders)

    In a marriage there can be only one leader and one follower depending on the situation wife n husband switch and exchange these roles.but the real glitch comes in when one person always wants to lead....so the other depending on their tolerance capabilities either give in or walk out..

    By the way...None of us need to really tell a fellow woman when to walk out...Woman have that kind of strength in them that when they make up their mind to walk out...they would do it eventually..but as I said most woman are more tolerant and want to give it a chance as long as she can take it...the day she says its enough..its always enough!! time to walk out..so lets not think woman are incapable of making decisions about their marriage.

    So I appreciate if you talk about how you made it work in your situation..so that we all can take pointers from your success story..Rather than you asking those ladies who live far away why they blame someone :)
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2010
  5. kitty123

    kitty123 New IL'ite

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    I think we both are seeing it from two different sides. And both of us find the grass greener on the other side....:)

    So you thought all this was passing judgments. WOW!!
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2010
  6. kitty123

    kitty123 New IL'ite

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    Do you think you would still be interested in my topics? Seeing the way you jumped to conclusions I don't think so and also seeing how you have used the word 'blame' so many times in response to my posts.
    All you found in my posts was as though I was blaming someone here even after me repeatedly trying to show my point.

    Thanks:)
    Keertana
     
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I dont think grass is greener on the other side...I have seen both sides of it...so it all depends on the way deal with it and how it works out thats all...

    There is no one sure shot solution written for problems in marriage.

    So I empathize with woman who live with inlaws and who live far away from them...doesnt matter if they have problems if it worked out or not worked out...all of us try our best to make it work...thats what matters!!!
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2010
  8. kitty123

    kitty123 New IL'ite

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    Agreed. 100% and I also firmly believe the solution is IN OUR HANDS.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2010
  9. coolphani

    coolphani Bronze IL'ite

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    Kitty,

    I am glad it worked for you. That's about it.
    Frankly speaking it might not work for other women.Just because setting priorities straight worked in your case doesn't mean it's a hard and fast rule that it'll work for others

    The moment you started discussing about your opinions or whatever
    with your husband..what if he just ignored or asked you to just shut the hell up??? What if he threatened to just walk out of the marriage??? What if he said it's my way or no way??? Would you still achieve what you already did in your DH's case?? I don't think so...I believe your DH is very understanding ..

    I am a living example. I had my priorities set straight at a very young age and landed in this country. I got married 2.5 yrs ago. From then everything changed, some of my priorities changed because my DH is a person who never listens to anyone except his mom..He doesn't give me a chance to explain why he is wrong in some cases...He later realizes but what's the point..it's too late by the time he realizes...He still doesn't realize his mom is trying to separate us both ...What choices do I have other than giving him time to realize or just walk out on him?? I could just walk out on him any day...My life wouldn't be any different emotionally or financially...But I had a tiff with my parents for the first time in my entire life to get married to him ..I said him or no one else..I take the whole blame...I just can't walk out on him neither can I let his mom walk all over me and ruin my life...So I relaxed a lot of priorities because I want to have a decent married life. If I had stuck to some of my priorities I would have separated from my DH the very next month I moved in with him.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2010
  10. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Well written Kitty. I am sure you will hear varying opinions on your post. But your post made me examine my own relationship and attitude towards my parents, in-laws and husband. I wish I was mentally strong enough to say that I don't need anybody's shoulder to lean on. But sometimes it gets so overwhelming that we do need a shoulder to lean on and when we don't get the right sort of support we get even more depressed.

    Regards,
    Kavya.
     

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