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Serious Problem In Marriage - What To Do

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Moonlight89, Jul 18, 2022.

  1. NOW

    NOW Gold IL'ite

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    Please do not have child with abusive husband and hostile in-laws in this mindset. Anonymous sperm donor will be much better option than walking into this trap for lifelong for the sake of having kids. of course, I am reacting to your words here and I may not truly understand your predicament but please take time to heal and make yourself strong first.
     
  2. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Gold IL'ite

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    "I was desperate to get married that I ignored them" I think THIS specially is the case with most of us who have been divorced and want to have children. It is normal to have that desperation, so please dont beat yourself up for it. I have been in this situation too and just got remarried. NOw trying for children and he has ED. He doesnt know where to put his thing, but he makes the full action and gets tired and tells me that I need use more lubricants. I am like dude you are not even putting in the right place.! He got offended when I tried to explain that he needs to put it in the right place. My life would be such a good dark comedy movie.

    **** happens and unfortunately, it is happening to us. Please be conscious of your actions. and remember why you took those actions. The reasoning that we have might not sound good to others. But our life is in our hands.
    So we need to take care of ourselves. Please be kind to yourself. I said this earlier, I say it again, please do 7 or 9 thursdays baba vratam. He resolves everything. And above all, you will get peace of mind.
    Hope you are not working from home. Go to work. That is a contentment for most of us.

    Visit a therapist. It is important to talk it out. Sometimes, when you say things aloud, you will see the solution yourself. Sometimes they seem small too. Maybe mom would be a good listener? otherwise therapist.

    Either way, be extra cautious of the physical abuse. On one side, you want to have babies so you need to treat your body like a temple. On the other, you let this man abuse you physically. Conflicting ideas. You wouldnt let him treat your child this way would you?
    Dont be the abala nari when it comes to abuse. YOu need to protect yourself.
     
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you for coming back with more details.

    From whatever you have mentioned above, it is evident that you have low self esteem. Your family, especially your father may be the reason behind your insecurities today. But, all your problems in life are due to your own insecurities.

    First of all, you are so desperate to be married. You do not value yourself, and believe you do not deserve anything better. In other words, you have been made to believe this way by your family.

    That's why, you settle with very little, and accept all these abuses as normal. But this is not normal!

    What if your family did not recognize you, the entire world recognizes you as a doctor, beautiful & intelligent girl. Isn't it enough? Isn't it giving you the needed assurance about yourself?
    If not, see a therapist. Build your self confidence and value your self worth.

    Then start self loving. Be with yourself, because it is you who enjoys or suffers with you all the time. Love yourself first.

    Now that, leave the past aside. You can't change it.
    But, try to change your future.

    I do not think your marriage is going anywhere. At least for the sake of your sanity, try to move away from this marital trap.

    If I were you, I would apply for transfer and move away not just from this abusive marriage, but from the family that killed my self worth.
    I would start a new life surrounded by new people in life somewhere else.

    This is definitely change my life positively, and help improve my self esteem.

    You are in a much better place than many women in abusive marriages. Because you have a job, no kids to look after, and a beautiful/intelligent & young life. Start everything afresh.

    For now, you do not need a marriage to be complete. A companion, a child, a partner etc..etc... can come, but they must come on the right time when you are ready.

    Now that, work on your self esteem and find your own comfort zone! Good luck
     
  4. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Are you really a doctor op?
    Leave this abuser asap
    You can get pregnant in different ways
    Hasn't science developed so much?
     
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  5. Lonelygirl17

    Lonelygirl17 New IL'ite

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    Please please please divorce asap. Doesn’t matter if this is your second or third marriage. Life doesn’t begin and end with marriage, you deserve happiness too. You say that you are a doctor, find a job, go abroad , do something . Get out of there. Love, marriage and kids will come when you are ready. Speaking from first hand experience and gone through everything you have mentioned in your post. Only problem is that I didn’t take any steps and convinced myself that it would get better. 17 years and two kids later , it’s too late for me. Not for you , my dear .
     
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  6. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Gold IL'ite

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    how much does an anonymous sperm donor cost? any idea anyone?
     
  7. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Hmm, I would not recommend this at all. If you see the root cause of this lady, it’s cause her husband can’t detach himself from his mother, amongst other things. While his parents might be together, this attachment is very common in single parent households. Mainly because the mother relays on the child so much and the child cannot let go of the parent without guilt.

    she might force herself to have kids today and not be alone in 20 years. But the question is can she ensure the same trauma does not happen to her kids? If she’s lonely and naturally depends on her kids more, the same cycle will continue. Generational trauma is real!
    Everyone works hard to give their kids the best. Best is not only in terms of clothes, education or holidays.

    best mental health and environment is as important. Imagine the husband continuing hitting her or even the kids. Do they deserve it just cause she she should not be lonely?

    You never want the kid to turn back and and ask her why she had them when she was in such an unhappy and unhealthy marriage.

    OP, you know what you should do. I hope god and the universe gives you the strength to take the decision you need to.
     
  8. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    You may not like my reply to your question, but what you need in this situation is not children but a divorce!

    There are too many red flags - him hitting you, him emotionally destroying you by commenting negatively about your looks, dressing style etc, your marriage being unconsumated for 3 long years!.
    And above all this, your husband considering his parents and himself as a family and you being just a family member( hopefully) His allegation of you separating him from his family is a classic sign that he is an Indian mamma's boy still not ready for marriage.

    Sorry to sound very rude but these mamma's 'boys' do not even deserve a life partner. They will live with their parents till the parents are alive and then rot alone and die alone.

    You have done a very good job to leave his place and go back to Hyderebad.
    If he ask you anything, then say that you love him but you cannot leave your parents alone and be separated from them. Then if you both agree to give the relationship another chance then tell that he too needs to 'leave' his parents like you are expected to 'leave; your parents.
    Then if he is ready to understand the concept of marriage then work on it, or else leave him to his fate and you carry on with your life....
     
    Ruby2019 and drdiva like this.

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