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serious in-law issues

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by riya123, Jan 4, 2010.

  1. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Good to see each other helping out..I seriously need advice..
    To make it short.. My mom is a kind of narcissist..not happy with herself and cannot take others beings happy..ofcourse most affected are her kids..Grew up with her sacrificing friends, even small joys like watching movies only to please her all the time..One fine day putting immense pressure on me she fixed my marriage and got me married to this guy assuring me that the alliance is the perfect one for me..Everyone at home are her puppets.. Thankfully DH is in a good job with decent pay..I have 2 brother-in-laws and a sister-in-law. But all hell breaks loose with MIL..I can highlight a few of her expectations -
    1. Daughter in laws are servants of the house and have to do the chores 24 hrs a day.
    2. DILs dont have the right to go out or enjoy with their husbands (no hotels, no vacations)
    3. DIL cannot work or study further.
    4. continuously taunting and pricking me on each of my abilities like cooking, cleaning..
    5. Spying on me all the time..
    6. She ensures that not even a single good thing should happen tome..
    7. Only she and her daughter should go out and enjoy all my husband's earnings.
    Now all might opine saying who cares it is MIL and not DH's rules..But the problem is that my husband loves his mom a lot and being the eldest son he feels it is his responsibility to take care of his parents and siblings and i should adjust to them.. He doesn't even respond when i complain to him..
    Also even FIL, SIL, BILs support my mother-in-law.. According to them their mother is next to God..Even i agree she loves her children but she hates me to the core..I have tried everything to please.. Forget about making a separate home with hubby, even a small remark at my MIL has everyone fuming at me ,even my husband.. In these 3 years of marriage i have a baby boy..They decide everything for my baby too..I am his mother only to change his diapers and bathe him..My FIL takes him away when he is sleeping and i wont know where is gone..he does this only to push me to kitchen..Then after 4-5 hrs after cooking for 10 people with extra apetite i spot my toddler playing with the street dog or standing near a drainage pot hole.. By chance i ask my FIL why he let him to play with dog, everyone starts to simmer at me and reply saying we are more experienced than you are..dont teach us how to take care of kids!!..When i try to explain to my husband he gives a deaf ear..Husband comes from work and walks to sister-in-laws room..spends time with her watching TV..My husband and sister-in-law both eat in one plate and after dinner they both go out for a walk. while i'llbe cleaning the leftovers in the kitchen.Their explaination for eating in one plate is that they do this from childhood andcan't change for me now..otherwise the dont feel like eating it seems..
    According to my husband they are taking good care of me coz there is no scarcity for food, shelter and clothing for me.. According to him My in-laws are doing a favour on me by giving me food three times a day
    I am not prepared for a divorce..The thought of living alone kills me..I dont have faith in the Indian judiciary even if i want to file a complaint, The mighty get away easily..Neither do i have support from parents..Mom says it is ur fate can't to anything.. I am suffocating everyday..
    How do i approach my husband and convince him that what is happening to me is wrong..

    Thanks in advance
    Riya
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Riya,

    If you want to give a try, try these. I know these are difficult but you have to do it.

    1.Take your time for doing cooking or anything. if they demand anything, tell it's your ability and you can't do anything more.
    2) Take sick days. Don’t worry what they think about it.
    3) Whenever your husband eats food, you also join and put your hand in the plate. Tell him it's perfectly ok to eat food from husband's plate.
    4) Take your own break and go to walking. Stop the work and go to work come back, if you are tired just sleep, don’t finish the work.Ask your husband to wait for you and join him for a walk.
    5) If you MIL stars tantrums let her be and you husband should suffocate between you and your MIL then he will understand your pain.
    6) Right now he doesn't have any pain and he is happy as usual and you are the one suffocating,
    7) So develop don't care attitude and think skin and no one can touch you.
    8)Is possible try to look for work?
    9) Mil’s, they can talk and restrict 100 things to DIL’s, those work only you care for it
    10) They don't work if you don't care.
    11)Don't complain anything to your husband just do in actions.If he asks why you changed,tell him my health is spoiling.
    12)from his childhood,he doesn't have any fulltime servant like you and why do they need it now and stop doing all the work.
    13)From his childhood he doesn't have s** and why does he do it.Some time people think,they are only clever to talk to other people and humiliate the partners.
    14)Don't complain,just act smart .

    All the best
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2010
  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    men hate when we complain about their mom or siblings directly
    afterall who wont
    even if they say something to our parents we defend them
    thats because we know both the characters parents as well as spouse
    so we try avoiding fights
    may be your dh is trying to do the same
    epxlain him in a different manner just dont complain about them but talk about its effects..other ilites can give you a better answer but leme tell you this
    for example
    if your child is been taken away without your knowledge just call your dh once and say kid is misisng and you looked everywhere and ask him if he can come down..if he comes in hurry let him know what happened and as you dint know you are worried
    let him face the tension too
    you make up your friends and when they go for awalk you go for a walk or chit chat with neighbours and take your time.show you are not missing him
    saying ignore your mil is a short word but difficult to do but most of the mils are like that so i really dont have a suggestion for that
     
  4. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Riya

    I belive you stay in US, does this happen in US to, your story is supposed to be in typical Indian homes, I am confused.
     
  5. drmchsraj

    drmchsraj New IL'ite

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    (oh lordy....don't hate me for being so bulnt, direct and short. i know this is supposed to meant to gather inputs and share similar situations but the general situation depresses me, thus my comments!)

    all of you are otherwise smart, have witnessed/amassed tons of experience in every walk of life, know how to be +ve in the bleakest of situations and your futures look bright. then you go get married and your journey turns southward. :C

    yeah i am more than confused too! i am in disbelief, frustrated, and honestly am pinching myself to hear about the real stories that are happening out there.... the scientists should stop worrying abt harnessing anti matter and do something about this anti-human virus that seems to be prevalant and growing unchecked in some people's minds.
    ps: i used to think men made the worst criminals in the world, i was wrong. women, especially (indian) MIL's make the most hardcore, cold, cruel, torturous thugpersons in the world. they are the most ideal candidates for destruction and are truly homebased hitlers on a mission to turn their own homes into Auschwitz!

    ps: all of you have such nice, posh, cool names, realistic skillsets that span more than one domain and lofty, contemporary, laudable idealogies. take a brick and bang it on their heads or slap them silly; we'll see what (indian or international) law will not protect a tortured DIL acting merely in selfdefence when her limit is reached. i wish i was a lawyer so i can highlight such cases, help the oppressed SILs and do my part in inducing terror in the hearts of evil MILs everywhere!!

    in short: shame on you if you tolerate such things. woe on you if you turn elsewhere to find the solutions. look for a thing where you lost it: find a way right where/when you face your fears. there is always a solution and the best solution usually involves salvaging as much as you can and letting the rest to rust and rot. choose your method, pick your valuables (what you think is important in your life), count your blessings and take a step and something. and kudos, if you can do it diplomatically whenever possible, i know all indian women are queens of that :)

    /end of rant.
     
  6. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Thanks for the advice..

    For 'blessed' ilite:
    We were in India..Much of the details in my thread is pertaining to my life in India..But we have recently moved to US for husband's short term job assignment..My in-laws are in India..Coz of constant pressure from in-laws since we moved to US, Husband is thinking of returning earlier to India to live with his parents..Moreover his assignment is only a short term one, if not sooner, few months later also we need to move to India..In-laws reason to pester us to come back to India is my MIL is old and she is falling sick often doing all the work.. They say they had even admitted her to hospital coz she wasn't well..The other reason is they are missing their son and grandson a lot..
    But i believe my MIL has some kind of bone disease,though they never revealed about it to me..I have seen she cannot walk fast, Even she does some work her legs and hands swell.. But thats another reason for others to sympathise her and me to take her taunts and pricks..
    I Believe this should clear ur confusion!!..

    Riya
     
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    It's our culture that breeds this type of bad behavior in mil's, because the extremity of Indian mil's behavior is really not found that often in western/american/european cultures. Our obsession with male children is partly to blame, makes mother's more possessive over their son's... to the point where they are like attack dogs waiting to snap at anybody who gets close to them. Our disgusting obsession with lavish weddings, that drains our elderly parents out of their life long savings..... hence making them financially dependent on their kids in their old age. And also, a woman's husband often loves his own parents more than her... so when that woman has a son and gets that jolt of unconditional love, she is not ready to give it up when that son takes a wife for himself. If Indian women felt secure financially and emotionally, and got the love they deserve from their husbands, instead of having to play second best to their own inlaws, they themselves would not turn into monster mil's at the rate we are currently seeing.

    Also, if Indian children would grow up and realize God is God, and parents are NOT Gods, and that yes, parents CAN DO WRONG, we would not see so many spouses warring amongst themselves over what their parents said/did. Indian parents interfere because they CAN. Basically, they know their children will allow it, so they take full advantage.

    Disclaimer: Not all Indians are like this, but hey, A LOT are. A LOT. Chances are either you, or somebody you know personally, has an unhealthy obsession with their parents or intense problems with parental interference in marital life. That's too much. It's a disgrace how some families operate like a troop of thugs.
     
  8. drmchsraj

    drmchsraj New IL'ite

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    yep that sums it up quite nicely, asg!! well said :)
    they should find other channels to vent their repressed feelings and not show it on unsuspecting innocent d-il.s, etc.
     
  9. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks people for ur valuable opinions..
    ASG gives an insightful thought on MILs behavior..
    To drmchsraj: Knee jerk actions will only increase animosity..DILs cannot afford to be rude to their in-laws that too when husband is supporting them..
    Does this happen often in arrange marriages?.. Coz in arrange marriages u hardly get any chance to know your spouse and his parents?..

    Riya
     
  10. shreya12345

    shreya12345 New IL'ite

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    Well said.:thumbsup
    ..the problems of a DIL with her MIL arises due to the insecurities and over possessiveness a mother has for her son...and this stems from the lack of love between the mother and father....If this system has to change, our men have to grow up and realise that once they become an adult, and get married, they are responsible for the physical and emotional well being of a girl who has left her own home and come with him. Most men tend to forget that physical well being in the form of food, clothes and shelter is nt enough for a human being, specially for a female. But unfortunately arranged marriages in india, r mostly meant to be like that...i guess in love marriages, both husband and wife r only answerable to each other, so other elements like MIL interference has very little role to play. Now, this can be a another topic of discussion:cheers
     

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