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Seperation anxiety - Need help

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by kavithavel, May 10, 2010.

  1. kavithavel

    kavithavel Senior IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    My Dh moved to the US very recently , say 2 months back . I have a twins of which one boy and one girl.
    My son is very attached to his father and my DD attached to me, both parents love both kids equally, but the kids have thier priorities set, though my DS cannot stay without me around, he always wants his father's presence as well.
    In the beginning there weren't any problem, but now for the past 2 weeks, DS has been refusing to feed or sleep , it is almost just one small meal a day and few hours of nap...There has been nothing like he has fallen sick, everthing is normal . Now my Q is , is this because he is missing his dad???
    He refuses to talk to his father who calls daily atleast twice from the US to talk to him, but only my daughter speaks and my son never even attempts to take the phone. Initially he used to ask me regularly as to when would dad come ...I used to explain to him that he would come in some months ....But now he doesn't even ask for his father.
    To add on to this he has started asking me to stay home , there were days when he used to happily bid me bye when I left to work, but now he is a lil reluctant and at times gets cranky, I have 3 people at home to take care of my twins. (My MIL, My maid and my DH's Grandma), though there are thier own flaws,it is far better compared to a day care set up.

    I am worried, Would a Video chat with my DH help my son if it is seperation anxiety???? My Twins are now 3.5 yrs old.



    Love,
    Kavitha.
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2010
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  2. kavithavel

    kavithavel Senior IL'ite

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    35 views..and I am still waiting to see a response....
    Hope an eager mother's wait isn't going to be long.

    Thanks a ton.

    Love,
    Kavitha.
     
  3. rajalakshmigopal

    rajalakshmigopal Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Kavitha,

    I have not been there in this situation.Hence cannot give practical advice.Can you send your DS to his friend's house or any play area where he could forget everything and just relax for a while?

    Video chat/web cam would definitely help if he is in a good mood to talk to his father.If possible,sit and talk to him for a while and see why he is like this.

    Good Luck! Your sonny will soon become playful!
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2010
  4. kavithavel

    kavithavel Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks a ton Raagi, I feel better with your words, but alas, I have done all that talking, all that playing at his friend's place and many more, I take him out regularly, keep him occupied, but he does everything other than eating and sleeping.
    the only reason for why I am a lil reluctant to give him the video chat model with his dad is because , of the fear that he would start missing his dad even more.

    Lets see, I am awaiting to hear from more of ILites here.

    Love,
    Kavitha.
     
  5. asha_karthik

    asha_karthik Silver IL'ite

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    kavitha.. i think its nothing to be worried about. but you just need to continue that talking.. show photos of his dad, and yes, a video chat will help too. with a video chat he ll probably be more excited to talk to his dad rather than on phone.

    my DH is out of country at the moment too. DD never asked about him after the first couple of days. when asked she clearly says "he is in the US for office work". you are not alone.
     
  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Kavitha,

    I wrote a fb but lost it.

    so trying to make it brief. first what your child is growing through is not separation anxiety. that is a different topic altogether where the child cannot stay without his mother or father for a few minutes. this is not the case with your ds. he has stayed when both of you were working in india.

    now coming to how to handle, i am thinking how did I handle. it was such long time ago. though i do face the same problems even today but mine have come to a age where they do understand.

    Looks like it is his way of coping with the distance. give him time to adjust at the same involve him in everything. even if he does not talk, you tell your dh that ds did that and this, and you are proud of him ..something on these lines, with the speaker on if possible. so that ds will hear his dad's response to that. a video chat right now may make it more difficult or could make it better, take your instinctive call on that.

    I did maintain all the activities that my kids did with dh. they had a night ritual of singing to bed, so i continued it. talking about their day also was part of it.

    Another thing dh did do was he told ds that he was the man of the house and in his absence he had to take a lot of responsiblity. believe me he was extra responsible at 4. (and i was )

    Tell him that daddy's office has shifted to this place. infact, we started marking chennai and xx on the atlas and told them that it takes more time to come home and then go in the morning. and daddy will become tired. so if daddy works there itself, he can finish his work fast and come soon. (this was when ds was 4..he did get fever, acute wheezing when he started missing his dad)

    Kavitha, you have all of us here to help you tide over this period.

    cheer up. everything will work out..
     
  7. kavithavel

    kavithavel Senior IL'ite

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    Shanthi,
    Thanks a lot dear, I feel much better. Your true, Seperation anxiety is when kids contantly cry or miss, true that he is finding it hard to adjust without his father, , he is way to naughty and my MIL who is around is finding it very difficult to control her temper with him, the response to which is agressive behaviour, I have 4 children at home to handle all alone, MY DS, My DD , My MIL and my MIL's mother who is too old and dependent as she isn't much mobile.
    I have tried explaining to my MIL not to praise DD much in front of him or not to complain about him or his activities the min I reach home, but alas, old people don't understand, it was then during those days that they brough us up without much hazzles.
    Kids these days are different, they are far more incusitive and they are really more responsible and brilliant than we were during our childhood days.

    Yesterday, I took a day off from work and I spent a lot of quality time with him , where I could see a massive difference , he was more happy , he feed well and slept well, even this morning, he was fine when I fed him, but half way thru his food, I was getting late and I had to leave the rest of the food for my maid to feed him and he got furious. The same way 2 days back he was playing with his cousins, I had taken all of them out and there were few of my relative and my SIL's kids who were with us , in a store where we were making some purchase , we weren't allowed to pay thru our cards and both me and my SIL din't have enough money, I just went 2 shops ahead to find an ATM and withdraw some money , my DS din't even notice me going, he was playing, but the min I returned back he was way too angry and was tough to control his complaint was "Amma ena vitutu poitaga". Mom left me and went.

    It is not far when we would join my DH there in the US, but till then I need to manage it well, planning for a break, I have already put down my papers, DS was more confortable with the maid than my MIL, may be this is one reason why he wants me to stay home now.
    Looking forward to being relieved of work soon so that I can spend all my time for my kids.

    Love,
    Kavitha.
     
    Last edited: May 14, 2010
  8. Jananikrithsan

    Jananikrithsan Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Kavitha,
    Your son is missing his dad, fact that you still goto work and MIL praises your daughter adds to it! Maid he was comfortable with it still with you?? I she has quit then it is the case of too many people henloves to be with are all missing at the same time! Take him out as much as you can, not necessary that you buy him something, keep mentioning how much his dad missed him to make it easier, if he can respond make your hubby talk to him as a surprise, let him answer the phone!
     
  9. pstar

    pstar Junior IL'ite

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    I can understand from your last post- what the tip of the iceberg is...but I have a doubt
    1) Did you tell your son well in advance that your hubby would be leaving for the States, and that it will be sometime before he can get to see his father?

    I think, he had either not realised/missed out on the fact that it will be few days ( months infact) before he can see his father and not like earlier- that dad will be away for work but at home by the end of the day to lavish him with time and love!!

    Now maid has also gone, and the poor kid is taking it to heart and now fears that all those close to him may leave and not return.....

    Here we can see that your daughter ( who is older, I suppose) is taking it ok, cos she has understood the gravity of daddys going away for sometime, but the poor boy has not quite got hold of the concept of time yet....for him now- not even seeing you for a few minutes ( without advance notice) gets him paranoid that you TOO have deserted him....( hence the show down after the atm affair)

    First discuss him-I would suggest that you sit him down and discuss with him first that you love him dearly

    Then discuss YOU & HIM- let him know your future plans...that you guys are all moving away from here very soon...(although he may soon get impatient to leave..seeing that he is not getting a kind treatment from his grandma, and may pester you daily-are we leaving tomorow?) but still anyways he will be prepared to bid goodbye and look forward to the move

    Next explain where dad has gone- please sit down and explain to him that daddy has gone ahead to arrange everything for us-get a house and all so that when we go there, there is already a place to stay and all that-to enquire good school for you, etc..( dont be surprised if he asks if the old maid has also gone in advance to make arrangements there- just tell him the truth that she will not be coming ) Also tell him that daddy is taking so much time to come back becos he is busy with work and after that he is searching for house/school, etc....

    Like other members have already suggested, let hubby do a video chat with you guys and let him be there too...let his dad give updates that- son Im now looking out for house and school, and such ( as reassurance to him that he is infact doing all that, and say that he will return as soon as things have been arranged to pick you guys for the move,like that)

    Then explain about you: Also tell him you are leaving the job and will be home full time to take care of him, becos you love him and want him to be happy.

    Also explain to him that ijnspite of leaving the job, sometimes, you may stil need to go out without him ( to run some errands) but that you will always come back home to him, and that no one wants to leave him or go away from such a good boy!!

    Sometimes its the childs little insecurities that is causing him to behave violently/angrily at home/withdrawing into a shell- because he feels unsure.Unlike earlier when u guys went for job and always returned home on time-now he is not quite sure each time when u go out, if u will return or no...So he feels he wants to spend more time with you and shows this by not eating ( so that you will hand feed him, indirectly spend more time with him-else throw a fit )

    Best of luck and keep us posted on the situation, if this has been of any help:thumbsup
     
  10. kavithavel

    kavithavel Senior IL'ite

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    Pstar,
    Thanks a lot, excellent comment ...but you missed to make a note of one thing here, My DD isn't elder, infact she is just 2 min younger(My DS and DD are a twins). My DD talks to her dad regularly, though she misses him, she is ok with just talking to him, whereas DS shows his anger by not even attending the phone of his dad.
    Yes My DS was kept well aware that dad is going far for work and that it would take him some months to return or him to go and see his dad, infact , DS bid a cool goodbye to his dad in the airport whereas I was just scared of the seen that he might create...

    Whatever you have drawn of my post is absolutely right. Maid, he was comfortable with compared to my MIL, but he always looked around for me even when the maid wa there. Yes the maid has moved to her native now.
    Your right it is all adding up one after the other on to him.

    At times it gets too much to handling work, home and all these issues together, my reliving is also becoming an issue, they don't want to let me go..but I don't want to continue for now as I am in't able to do justice to both work and my kids.

    Well , with all your support, I get a lot of energy and that atleast tend to keep my temper cool.

    Love,
    Kavitha.
     

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