Separation seems like last resort

Kindly bear with me as this is a long post





This is in continuation to the last message that I posted:

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/life-without-spouse/275093-lost-on-all-fronts-2.html


This time when I returned to my hubby (this was the second time I came over to parents and then returned), my DH was calm with me as my psychiatric treatment had started and the psychiatrist had asked him to be more compassionate. DH started to spend a lot of time with me by taking me out for movies and meals. Also, now since we had a separate room, he would return to it pretty earlier just so he could spend some time because I am suffering from major depression and anxiety. However, one thing that bothered me was that every now and then, he would ask me to speak with his sister, via him, over phone, to clear the air, which erupted between us when I left home because he was speaking to her on phone for long hours and I was waiting in the bedroom, same evening when there was a lot of stress at home because of MIL I had very clearly clarified that his sister was NEVER an issue because I always had cordial terms with her. If it was even my mother/brother to whom he was talking at night for such long hours, outside home, so that he could tackle their routine problems, when his own wife was anxiously waiting for him in the bedroom because of major brawl at home, I would have still reacted the same way. Why was he then pressurizing me to speak to her over phone? Just because she was an elder? Dint this matter at all to her that I was the one in need of help? Anyways, I dint call and she visited after a few days for a wedding. She was here for 3 nights, out of which she spent first night here, and remaining at her relative’s place where she had to attend the wedding. The time she spent here was pleasant, though, certainly, we both were a bit withdrawn from each other. I told myself that with time, everything will be alright and that at the moment, my main focus should be setting things right with my DH.

Now, a few days back, one of my MIL’s distant cousin got expired. I asked her is my parent’s presence required to which she just shrugged and said-dekh lo. Next very day, in front of my DH-she narrated the names of a few DILs from the family who sent their parents for mourning. I really didn’t feel the need to bother my parents as this cousin was a distant one. However, it pained me that when MIL could tell me upfront to send your parents, why dint she?

A few days later, it was my mother’s retirement and my father had organized a retirement party. My MIL had just returned from her brother’s place after celebrating Rakshbandhan, where she had developed a mild stomach ache but she dint take medicine despite our repeated requests-why-I realized later!

I had left for my parent’s place a day before the retirement to help my mother with gift packing etc. On the day of retirement, my DH was supposed to join us at 10:00AM in the morning however, I received a message from him that mom has very high fever and that he would be coming late, and that she might not come at all! I asked him if she had taken anything for upset stomach he said only crocin! There I realized, that she was avenging. Since my parents couldn’t make up at the mourning ceremony of her cousin, she was in a mood to miss my mother’s retirement. DH arrived pretty late but he was cordial.

After the function ended, I left with my DH for inlaws. When we reached, I saw that MIL was looking pretty alright but nevertheless, I insisted that she takes meds for upset stomach, which she did, after much reluctance. We all had a small chit chat and tea when my DH told me to go to bedroom and rest for sometime. Then I left for my room and DH came after 10 minutes. When he came he was in a bad mood and I was dozing as I had my meds. He told me that he is going to call SIL and that I must also speak to her. I said now that everything is alright because her stay was peaceful and she left happily, why is he still pressurizing him. I told him that I have had very cordial equation with his sister except for these few days and that I need time till I recover a bit so he must be a little more patient with me and he has to trust me that I will speak to his sister, on my own, without him having to tell me.

At this point, he said I have got bloody nothing to do with your side of people now if you can’t repay what I do (like visiting my mom’s retirement and acting as a host). Immediately, the MIL barged inside our bedroom and started saying you must call your SIL, she is so unwell. I said why dint you tell this thing directly to me, why in the middle of our fight to provoke, and is your daughter even aware how unwell have I been that I had to seek a psychiatrist? She said don’t you feel bad when your brother’s wife doesn’t call you to invite you over when you have to go there? This time when your SIL’s visit was scheduled, why dint you invite her? I was taken aback by her silly comments. I said, before me, this is your daughter’s home so she doesn’t need my invitation call. Same way, if I have to go to my parent’s, I don’t wait for my SIL or rather anybody’s call to which she said you are wrong, call my daughter, it is your duty! And DH also started pressurizing me that tell me-when she visited this time-how much time did you spend with her-I said can anyone of you tell me how much time did you guys spend with her when she had come for the wedding and stayed for most part of her trip over there? Why am I being asked to answer these questions every time? I told my DH ever since my dad was diagnosed with TB, how many times have you called him? I asked him how many times have you called my brother? But have I ever asked you to call them? No, because these things can’t and must not be forced upon anyone.

Even then, they both kept on saying you are wrong. I was extremely pissed off with my DH because he could have told his mom not to interfere, but instead he chose to demean me in front of her. He has never done a balancing act and in a minute, discards me like a trash in front of his mother and MIL too takes a lot of advantage of this fact. I was on the verge of a break down and started palpitating and sweating profusely. I felt very helpless but these 2 people kept on repeating you don’t call your SIL often, it is your duty, so and so. I completely lost it and called my dad as I felt very helpless. My dad and mom came immediately and asked my DH & MIL that despite knowing that Iam not keeping well, why are they putting undue pressures on me. My MIL said your daughter is absolutely alright and this is no pressure. My DH said your daughter will have to repay what I do to you guys by continuously doting my mother & sister. My parents were taken aback and I was crying for I felyy low. My dad said I can’t leave my daughter is such a state here and said I am taking my daughter with me as she needs proper treatment and care. Its been almost a month that I returned and in between, my parents collected my clothes from inlaws for when they brought me, I had come empty handed. All these days, no one has called from either side.

My dad has sought an uncle’s advice who happens to be a lawyer and very well known to my in-laws. While this uncle is trying for reconciliation, this time, I really want to end this misery and vicious circle for good. Things are cool for a few days and then my MIL’s insecurity resurfaces and my DH succumbs to it, for which I and my marriage has to pay. And is this only my marriage? My DH is so indifferent that he doesn’t bother to call/text despite knowing that I’m under serious medication. He can’t stop his mom from interfering between our fights, rather, he joins her and demeans me in-front of her which literally debilitates my mental faculty and it pains me to realize that the same man, who was so lovey dovey a few minutes back, changes like this.

The lawyer uncle has told me to save this marriage in case you had some special moments with your DH but just because of some special moments, can I live with a person who hasn’t bothered at all about my sanity & respect when it comes to his family?