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Separating Need Help Please

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Users, Feb 13, 2020.

  1. Users

    Users Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello friends,

    My inlaws are here and I and my husband have been fighting almost every day since then. We mostly do not talk, no communication. No care, love for each other.

    During this recent fight we end up saying that let's split, initially I thought it's a usual fight but my husband is pretty serious on this. I'm in US on dependent Visa, I'm working and can support myself and kids needs, I've two options-

    1) stay seprately here in US and stay on my current visa(which my husband is okay with) and continue working as is- only difference husband will not live me, kids will be away with him few days a week
    2) move back to India and start life from scratch( will get moral support from family, they want me to move back) have to understand terms with husband on this.

    I'm not sure which approach would be better for me, I'm in my mid thirties and kids are above 5.

    Please help me in understanding which would be the right approach, and which option should I take.
     
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  2. simple1234

    simple1234 Silver IL'ite

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    did you guys try counselling option ? why does kid suffer because of you guys.

    Try both of you spiritual path for 6 months and see if it solves the problem.

    splitting is not an easy thing as you guys decide , why can't both of you live in same house and be like a roommates for sometime.
     
    pinkydarling likes this.
  3. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Where do you like to live? Do you like life in India with your parents? Will your husband agree for that?

    Otherwise you can rent near your husband and both can do co parenting. That way there will be some chance of reconciliation.

    Are your in laws going to live permanently in u.s. ?
    Things will calm down hopefully, take break from each other for few days if possible
     
    BhumiBabe likes this.
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Are you moving to India with your children? How will your husband have a relationship with them in that case?
     
  5. ragzz

    ragzz Silver IL'ite

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    There may be a legal issue too based on child’s citizenship. Cannot take children to India without spouse’s written permission and authorization.
     
  6. Isha85

    Isha85 New IL'ite

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    What if you start living seperate later your hubby files for divorce, in-laws here definitely indulgences him to take a call, you might lose your visa status and won't be able to support financially; think wisely about all the worst case scenarios then decide:

    Best possible options:
    1. Take a vacation alone to India, let your in law's take care of your kids. Your husband might get some sense how important for kids to be around mom
    2. Work on your visa visa s to be independent visa- request your employer to apply H1b visa(March 1st this season starts)
    3. Write down pros and cons of the options and then reevaluate your decision
     
    sweetsmiley likes this.
  7. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Decisions of marriage and divorce need a decent amount of thinking . One visit from in-laws and husband has made his mind ? Did you see this coming ? Is this marriage not worth saving ?
    If you end up in India, husband will not be as involved in kids lives. Don’t let that happen. Indian society is very harsh to women that do not follow the norm of being married and having kids. Live a independent , happier life in the US with help from your husband to raise the kids. Take care.
     
    hermitcrab and Angela123 like this.
  8. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Op,
    Do you want divorce?
    Whats the reason for fights.
    Is he a good father, provider and good husband , otherwise?
    What do you gain by divorce?

    If you dont want seperation, keep silence for some time. If he talks about it, tell him you need more time to think ,so like to stay in the house for the time being as parents of kids.

    In the mean time, work on your visa. If he file s divorce you have to go back to India and can't take kids without his permission if they are us citizens.

    Also do a self introspection and try to think in his way . It may help to find the triggers for fights. ..fix it and bring positivity. Focus on you and kids.. be a pleasant version of you. Treat him with respect like you treat anyone. Communicate things about kids or home. Going for silence wont help you.

    Its easy to break a marriage. If there is no physical abuse or ema or other serious issues give it a chance. Once he start treating you well all your love will come back.

    If your mind is not in this marriage, consult an attorney and make arrangements for child custody. Go for joint custody as kids need both of you. You can think about houses nearby to reduce impact on seperation on kids. In schools there will be counseling to help kids to face parent's divorce.

    If you are employed you can get free counseling through EAP. Attending it may give clarity.

    I feel both of you talked about during heated fights. Its emotional talk. Dont take any decision like that.

    Cool down, think well about all aspects take a decision only with a calm mind. Now, give a break to both of you to settle down...take your own time.

    Its easy for him to get a new wife and life. But for women with kids its lot struggle. .Anyway , think well with a calm mind before deciding anything. .
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2020
    AmulB likes this.
  9. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry to hear about ur situation. How long ur in-laws stay is. Like above suggestions try to stay calm and don’t initiate any talks about separation and try to make situations calmer. If in-laws leave do u think ur h will behave different, is it their pressure or creating differences between u both. Separation when kids r involved will only affect kids life. In favor of kids, try as much to keep all the fights and disagreements aside and don’t get into any confrontation w h or in-laws.
    While things settle you can think about what is the best option to do. But don’t think of separating unless there’s a major issue that cannot be fixed. Like the saying goes, time will heal. Bad situation will pass. I hope you don’t have to go through all this and settle down peacefully.
    Going to India leaving kids is not a good idea, there are chances of loosing ur status and he can file a divorce. Be in ur home and try to work things than stepping out. Once ur out, things will be out of ur control for any fix.
    He might have got a feeling u r serious and he’s trying to put it in action. But say it to him you said in anger and see what he would say..
     
    Angela123 likes this.
  10. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Do you want a divorce? Will the situation improve if the in-laws go back to India? Before you separate, try marriage counseling. It is easy to give up. I remeber about this saying " when you want to give up, remember why you started in the first place". It might give you some perspective. That being said, no one wants to stay in a loveless marriage. It doesn't matter what age the kids are divorce will affect them. Especially in India. People talk and point fingers there more than in US.
     

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