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selfish Brother-in-law is bothering us!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rupac, Mar 14, 2014.

  1. rupac

    rupac New IL'ite

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    Hi all...
    so
    I have been happily married to the nicest person on earth for over 6 years , has 2 beautiful children. But the problem is my husband's only sibling (his younger brother) says "he doesn't want to work!.." he wants to direct a film etc..,"

    All his age group are being so responsible & are well settled with nice jobs and getting married & even buying small properties with the help of their jobs...But this guy is so peculiar says" he can't sit in the office from 9 till 5 & wait for a month to be salaried" ... From over 6+ years my hubby looks after all his expenses, travel, food, rent, partying,etc.,

    After millions of arguments with my hubby , he somehow reduced sending money, (though not stopped fully) Even their parents told him many times and the answer from them is: ("we told him many times but he don't like to do a job, what can we do?"

    After few years of continuos wasting time , he said "
    he'll start some business & stuff" and "he then bought a brand new car for loan 15- 17 lac rupees( god knows which bank has come forward)
    saying that " he will be well respected in the society and may make good business"
    by having a car...And then slowly he bought all the Apple products (such as, laptop, phones etc..,)
    One day he said "I'll do some IT business" Because my hubby is a developer, he has to set up a website for his business and etc.., he gives work to hubby where he does all this extra work after coming from his day job...
    Atleast he don't do the business thing properly & within days he says" I want to do another business , Get the website ready for me!" and my hubby starts working on it nights long without sleep....
    His linkedin page says Director/CEO of the company!
    he don't know anything about anywork.....There's no stability in his work at all....

    When I ask my hubby ... why cant you teach him what you are doing & how long will you do for him...why not he do his job? and we all need your time?
    well
    the answer is:"I'm not sending enough money these days, at least let me do this, so he can get the money from the business!"..." he don't want to learn anything, i can't force him!"

    He now asks to send
    at-least 50k per month as his expenses for maintaing the cars reaching skies, he also has few credit cards & he explains every vegetable price ( like onions , dal, oil , these prices are even growing higher etc...,)
    Not even a phone call or in an email he never asks about his health or his sleep...he dont care about his brother, he 's just using my hubby .......

    When we don't call for a month or so, " he emotionally says , why are you not calling us? whats wrong with you, did u forget us, mother is crying bla bla bla"

    If he don't want to work for anyone,thats fine!
    why can't he start something and focus on it until he earns stable income...now this guy wants to marry his girlfriend in the next months? I say my hubby how can he marry without income...i mean how can he run a family without a job......meaning, its a new expense for us again.........then both argue...fight verbally...cry....

    Please kindly help me, please give us a relief, Experienced persons pls answer!..I need your help...(I never spoke to my brotherinlaw directly about all this...I just say Hi, Bye)
    My questions:::
    1) Why can't my hubby say him to work strongly? how to make him work?

    2) I tell him to help him , when he is really working hard, u know when he's being responsible? How can he become a responsible person? He's getting ready for marriage now...god know wat happens next!

    3) How on earth does a Man don't have feelings to work? is it a disease? How long do this drama last?

    4) His parents , my hubby , why can't they be rude to him?

    I'm frustrated , pls help me deal this situation smoothly.
    Pls give me ideas........
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Tell your husband he is making his brother irresponsible and pushing him towards a well. Tell him ,one day when he will be in the well...remember you enabled him .

    The only thing that works with these freeloaders is complete cutting off resources and letting them know they are on their own. Tell husband to try it for six months if he really cares for his brother ,otherwise he is like a person who gives drugs to a drug addict. Inform the parents that you are giving shock therapy and they need not interfere.

    Start investing big for a house or other property.Tell husband to start investments in the name of your children.

    As for his wedding plans. Let him know if he is mature enough for marrying ,he should be mature enough to earn a living. Ask him if he is expecting his wife to take over the responsibility from his brother.
    Shameless BIL !!!!!
     
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  3. kelly1966

    kelly1966 Platinum IL'ite

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    pl tell your Hubby that by "helping" his brother he is only enabling him to become a loser. Instead he should concentrate and get him to focus on his achievements if any or his future will be doomed. Advice your hubby that instead of "doing" his brother's work be it website or whatever he should MAKE HIM DO his own work by teaching him the skills.
    50K is alot of money does this include all household expenses? about his girl friend I think you can be frank enough to warn her and her family about your BIL misadventures and financial status.
    its better to takeaway all the "crutches" provided by your hubby now as later on it will only make his brother more and more lame.
    I know he must be emotionally blackmailed by the family but deserting someone for their own good is better than making them fall into a well.
     
  4. amunique

    amunique Gold IL'ite

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    Time to save money. you tell your husband that this is for your kids and yourself. may be telling him simply that you will divorce him and be like another brother for him for money alone may work. try
     
  5. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    I have seen this kind of relationship first hand. My 2 cousins. Older one worked very hard, became a CA and somehow managed to scrape by month to month. Younger one was 12th standard pass only and never wanted to work for somebody. My uncle and aunty used to live so frugally because uncle did not make much, and aunt was a housewife.

    After the older brother got married, my SIL asked him to bring his brother to Chennai - to live with them, and away from his friends (who were not the best influence on him). Once in Chennai, he got a job and kept it only because he wanted his brother's respect. We all thought that he had changed. NOPE! He fought with my SIL and went back to his hometown and back to old habits. Finally he got a job in another city, and my uncle and aunt decided to go with him so that he would not have any reason to go back to hometown.

    Things went OK for a while. He would ask for nominal amounts of money and older bro would send it. SIL never objected as she too saw him as her younger bro who needed help. This despite the fact that they now had a son, and they themselves were struggling.

    Finally older bro decided to go overseas so that he could get a better paying job and be able to support his parents better. When the demands from younger one started increasing, older finally put his foot down and said NO. He asked him what loans he had, met with the creditors, paid everything off and said that it was the end of the free money. He paid the debts because younger was asking for money to pay off loans, but spending it instead.

    In the meantime, the younger one got married. To a lady who had a master's degree. She did not care about his lack of education, but that he had a dream to achieve things in life. Slowly things became bad again. He started taking the money that older sent for the parents and spending. They did not object because they were living with him.

    Fast forward to today. The household runs on younger SIL's income...she is too qualified to teach in a school and underqualified to teach in college. So she takes Math tuition at home and that's how they survive. Last time I heard from my mother about him, seems he has scammed some people of about 5Lakh. Sad part is that that guy gave him business because he knew my parents and the older cousin bro and thought he would help out.

    Show your husband various examples of such people. Its time to practice "tough love". Ask your husband if he is willing to support YOUR son like this for the rest of his life. I'll bet he says NO. If he can't support his own son, he has no business supporting his brother.

    In the future, after the marriage, and if things go badly, everybody will blame your husband for not forcing your BIL to grow up. My older cousin is getting that now from some relatives....even though he cut his brother off financially, he is still being blamed.
     
  6. hotchillipepper

    hotchillipepper Gold IL'ite

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    Invest.Buy property. Dont let your husband have extra money for giving away. First get in terms with the fact that BIL might Never change, even after marriage. So first safeguard Your money. If possible dont let BIL know about investments coz he would be eyeing them as well. Tell him you put in shares and they crashed or stuff like that. If you have kids or are planning then open child policies. keep the liquid money as less as possible. as DKI mentioned BIL might get into scams as well so slowly move your family out of him. If he gets married then let him and tell openly to your SIL (preferably Before marriage) that you wont be taking care of his expanses. she is his GF so she would know his financial condition fully well. When there are more then one women in family, dynamics change a lot so try to make things clear from day 1. she might hate you for that, which would be added advantage for you because she might tell him not to take money from your family. Make sure that relatives also know about generosity of your husband. Trust me there is no such thing has demands getting Lesser. There will Always be some reason to take money. you Need to put your feet down. Sooner the better.
     
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  7. Sneheth

    Sneheth Bronze IL'ite

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    I don't feel your husband is a good listener.He was quite negligent to your words.So no more arguments dear caz ultimately you loose peace.Problems come when there are crisis or luxury.So deprive your husband from having luxury of income.You have to take a bold initiative of trying a new business and showing him how much you can make out of it.Strive not to loose the money u invested.Thats how u attract you husband attention and show him his mistake.
    Abt marriage of ur Bil, we can't stop if they decide.It may change your husband or bil wife may change him.Time will decide for now don't get into bad terms with your husband,time will definitely teach him lesson.Be patient and keep watching game being in field don't come out of the field.Bil may completely take advantage of that opportunity.(I mean be on your husband side act as though u r fine)
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2014
  8. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Wtf? Seriously?

    Give your husband one big warning. What sort of nonsense is this?

    Dont give him ONE penny. Shameless leech that BIL!
     

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