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Selfish Behavior

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Proud_indian, Mar 26, 2010.

  1. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Couple of data points:

    1. When babies are very small (less than 1), putting them in day care increases their chances of falling ill. Due to this working parents might prefer to have grandparents baby sit.

    2. I am not sure how well regulated day cares are in India, so grand parents are roped in.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2010
  2. sowmyapbhat

    sowmyapbhat Senior IL'ite

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    Okay, how can your inlaws take care of your kid if MIL is also working? It is unreasonable to expect them to do that. I know, many inlaws willingly look after the baby, but it is too much to expect that as a given.

    If your parents are willing to take care of the baby till you find alternate arrangements in terms of day care, then it is a must that you compensate them for their service.

    Now, please don't expect things out of your husband when you know what he's like. Most men do not think of wife's parents as equal to his own. So step up, and give your parents the money you deem fit. If they don't accept, coax them into taking it, you can use white lies to make it seem alright - Say your husband wanted them to take it, etc.

    I don't know if your husband has a problem with you giving them a part of your earnings. If that is the case, you must explain it to your husband, that your parents are not obliged to take care of your baby, and you owe them gratitude for that. Stay firm. Do not argue or get emotional. Even if he refuses, tell him you do not agree with his ideas. Go ahead and give them the money.

    I must agree with Priya16, that most men will take free help from wife's relatives, but won't reciprocate. What you could do is - tell your husband what you would like him to do. When he said he couldn't help, I know you were taken aback, and to cover your shock, you said "No one asked you to".

    Instead of that, just calm down for a moment, and tell him in a calm manner -" It would be really nice if you did, everyone likes to be helped"

    Use your words as a way to get things done. Don't worry about what each person is thinking, because there is no way to control what they think. Instead, tackle the problem as diplomatically as you can, and leave the rest.

    Above all, make expectations clear to your husband. Most husbands hide their heads in the sand when it comes to familial responsibilities - that is nothing for you to worry over, it is just a stumbling block.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2010
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Beeamma, I totally understand OP's predicament. I'm in that predicament myself... where I want to work, but I also want a baby, but I can't expect everyone else to care for my baby in my place. I feel it's a tough decision to make, but sometimes a parent (either mom or dad) needs to chose between career and child raising instead of trying to do both at the same time and in the meantime inconveniencing relatives. It's like, sometimes you can't have your cake and eat it too. How about instead of roping grandparents in (if they are unwilling) just rope yourself in and go back to work at a later time? I respect a woman's desire to work, but when you make the CHOICE to bring another life into this world, you have to accept the responsibilities that come with that... and sometimes that means putting your own aspirations on the back burner for a little while. If you're not ready to make some PERSONAL SACRIFICES.... then don't have a kid. Why is that such a radical idea? Family helps family, I understand that. But parenthood seems like a full time job to me, and I don't think it's right to make grandparents take on such a huge burden 5 days a week, 9-5. I mean, they've done a lot in their lives... raised kids, worked a job, gone through ups and downs in life... I feel their retirement years should be spent the way they want... not the way WE want... unless of course it's what EVERYONE wants mutually. :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2010
  4. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    OP,

    Since your DH and your brother are close friends, why not let them decide on receiving a favor or returning a favor.. May be your DH had really something to do so he cannot offer a helping hand.. and who knows may be your brother would not even need or expect any help for moving.. you know guys don''t take these things seriously most of the time.. so why don't you leave it to themselves..

    As for the other side track between ASG and Delmommy and Meena,

    Honestly, I was about to add ASG's post a reputation for her feedback. Like Meena said, I find ASG's post really good and to the point.. In fact I am going to add it to her reputation after submitting this post..

    Delmommy, pls don't get me wrong. I learnt what ASG said in the hardest possible way!! I learnt it firsthand that I cannot expect help from others (however close they are) when it comes to babysitting (or anything for that matter) . It was hurting at first.. becoz I was under the assumption that what more would be rewarding than taking care of the grandkid. but then as ASG said, they too have a life of themselves.. they too are tired after this many years.. they too need privacy.. be it ILs OR Parents.. Then, I came to terms with myself.. "It is MY responsibility."

    But at the same time, I strongly believe and hope that if I get a chance to babysit my grandkid in the future, I would merrily do it as a boon. Pls note: I say "if I get a chance" - reason being, I do not want to interfere in my future DIL's life if she does not like it.. (My son is not even 10 yrs now.. here I am talking about his DW. :rotfl )
     
  5. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    ASG!!
    Looks like I have been adding reputations to you a lot that the system advises me to "spread reputations for others too" :rotfl
     
  6. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    ASG, you are going to make one good Mommy:thumbsup.
     
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks. I enjoy reading what people write when they submit those for me. Like somebody wrote on one recently "watch out for the lynch mob" because they thought my advice was going to be taken in the wrong spirit and it just made me crack up laughing.:rotfl

    Thanks BeeAmma, I can only hope. I'm counting down the years until I can thumb through the big books of baby names and collect pink and blue plush toys. :thumbsup

    Anyways, I feel strangely odd having my name mentioned this much in another ladies thread, so, I think I'm going to step out and let this place get back on track.
     
  8. Proud_indian

    Proud_indian New IL'ite

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    Hi Priya,
    Thanks for your reply. Sad that we are in such a bad culture. Yes, even I too thought of not asking or taking any help from my brother unless we both were not able to do it. I think My husband has taken all of us for granted but they won't help anybody.
    I got his true colors last week for denying his help in my bro's shifting. Anyways, without any help they got shifted and settled now. NOw he didnt' shift on anybody's sympathy.
     

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