1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Selfish Behavior

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Proud_indian, Mar 26, 2010.

  1. Proud_indian

    Proud_indian New IL'ite

    Messages:
    41
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Ladies,
    I dont know where to show my sorrow and hope I will get someking of soothing and consolation from you guys.
    As you all know, I got married to a close relative and without any reason my inlaws are totally against taking care of my baby and from day 1, my parents are supporting me to do job unconditionally.
    Now they are at my native place for a one month trip and will be back to my city in second week of April.
    Atleast my husband should be able to acknowledge the sacrifice my family is doing under his heart. But its not the case. To take care of baby either me or my MIL shoudl leave the job, but as my parents are taking care of we both are peacefully working and earning. They should understand nad accept beneath their hearts. But its not the case again.
    I dont give even a penny to my parents atleast to take care of my son's needs aswell, because they dont accept daughter's money. As my father is retired and his medical needs are few thousands every month. My husband doesn't show any interest in helping them either financially or personally. I think they deserve the best, but I am restricted to do anything for them. My brother is well caring towards my son and he is doing it just for the sake of being my son. My husband on the other hand is a best friend of my brother. What I observed is, My brother's friendship is true but not my husband's. I am not against to both of them but I personally observed it in certain instances.
    I give you an instance happened yesterday.I was in a moderate mood due to work pressure, no help at home with couple of cousins(his side)waiting for us at home. I need to go from office and cook food for them with couple of varieties. I can't get energey to do all the chores everyday with no help. But nobody helps me,so I am used to do on my own.
    Ok, my brother is moving near to my home as both of their offices (brother and SIL)will be near by. So, they are shifting their luggage tomorrow. I am unable to help him because I am leaving for native to take care of my kid. I expected my husband would help him while shifting luggage, but to my surprise my DH clearly told me yesterday that - he can't help. I was shattered, and asked him who asked you to help???They wont require any physical help, but may require some supervision and some help as we are staying near by. Now, I am in a situation whom to speak this - can't speak to my brother or my parents which may become an issue and they will take it to heart.
    Is it not showing his selfish behavior, I know its bad to speak or think about him but I have no choice.
    We shifted twice in our 4 years married life - everytime my brother used to help us with much physical stress.
    Dont whats his feeling behind it - is it ego or selfshness or dissatisfaction or just he dont want to help or he is getting influnced by my inlaws??
    Tell me ladies, now I am in a big mess - I can't really ask for my brother's help from now on but whenever we need help, he is the first person to help us without any notification.
    How can I handle this situation??should I tell my brother not to ask any help from us or should I request my DH to help them which he is against?
    How to move on with my next step with my DH?
     
    Loading...

  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,465
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear,

    I know exactly how you feel and I have been there. I believe some husbands expectations that girl parents and siblings should help girl unconditionally and they believe it's there responsibility. At the same time they don't believe they have similar responsibility to take of them when they are in need.
    it's has been there in our culture. Suppose if some one drop at your home and if you don't get any help, don’t try too overdue. Just make simple menu and offer them. If your husband says anything, tell him that this is my capability and I can only do this much. If you like to have more food then help me or order from outside. Don’t go beyond your capacity and try to do the things.
    You really need to plan if you think of second child. That time clearly tell your husband that you can't expect anything from your parents. You need to stand up that time.
    Since your brother is moving near to your house, your husband might have more expectations getting help from him. You simply deny whatever he asks for. He need to slowly learn what he is doing. if you don't object he is not going to learn.
    One day tell that you wanted to stop the job and take care of the kid and tell that your parents are getting old and they can't take this responsibility any more. Be strong about it .If he start any negations tell that you really want to give them money every month .If he don't agree for it then tell that you want to stop the job and take care of the kid.
    You need to stand up on your feelings. Otherwise some men or women will not have basic curtsy to offer the things.
     
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    357
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    Ok, first stop acting like your inlaws owe you free babysitting service for your kid. Let's go through the flow chart....

    -Who decided that NOW was the time to have a kid? -YOU
    -Who decided to have sex, conceive a child, go through 9 months of pregnany, and birth the child? -YOU

    Judging by the answers to those last two questions, whose responsibility do you think it is to take care of the kid? Yep, that's right. YOURS.

    Your inlaws don't have to have a reason for why they don't want to take care of your kid. It's not their job, not their problem, and they shouldn't have to take on YOUR responsibility unless they absolutely want to. So don't hold that against them.

    How old is your brother that he needs to be 'supervised' while moving luggage? I don't get it. Unless he is 10 years old, why would he need your husband there to just watch him move stuff?

    Anyways, if your brother helped your husband move in the past, the decent thing to do would have been for your husband to help your brother with his own move. However, if your husband was AT WORK or otherwise very busy in something he could not just walk away from, then it is totally acceptable for him not to have helped your brother. That is common sense, isn't it?

    This isn't a big mess.

    If your brother asks why your husband can't help, tell him your husband's reason (assuming he has one), like stuck at work or something like that.

    Tell your husband that next time you both need to move, nobody is going to help if you don't reciprocate the favor by helping others. Ask him if the move was in the evening or on the weekend, if he would be able to help at that time instead.

    But if you are just going through the formalities where no help is really needed, and you just expect your husband to stand there and 'supervise' or act like the welcoming committee.... I think you need to drop your ego and let your husband off the hook. If help is needed... try to give it. But if it's just some formality of 'supervising'... then let this fizzle out on its own.
     
  4. Dilchahtahai

    Dilchahtahai Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    135
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    I only want to say one thing: One does not know how one's life would be and how one would feel after having a kid UNLESS one actually has a kid..
    we waited 6 years after marriage before we had a kid. I wanted to settle down in my career, do my masters from a very good school and all that.. While my MIL and FIL went around the town saying I had made their son an impotent and I was a barren girl.. I used to think I would make a decision to have a kid once I have control over things (read: flexible and good paying job, a house, stable career and time to spend with kid and a Green Card)..And I used to think its my deicsion and I would do everything myself. A baby is supposed to change things.. I felt so glad I did not ahve ababy when they asked me to have one, since they would not have helped with it anyway.
    My son is 2 years old and I dont expect anything even now from my ILs..My friends marvel at how I am managing a full time job and a kid who is so well behaved..
    If you are living so close to inlaws, aren't they supposed to help out with kid (specially when you re working).. In India this is how it happens..

    To the OP, I would say, I have been in your position and all I can say is, do try to find your own solution for child care insteead of depending on anyone. If you are not able to afford child care because your job does not pay you enough, talk to ur husband about staying home for a while, that may do the trick. Regarding DH not helping your brother, it is between them and there is nothing you can do if he does not want to help him. All you could do is ask him and if he does not do it, tell your brother not to offer help if he needs it.. I can understnad the supervision required when folks move places.
    Last thing, if you stay quite and do thing, people dont understand and take you for granted. So speak up , tell when you feel bad .. Use logic that would work (like may be I should take a long leave without pay since DS is to be cared for..). If you dont speak up, no one would care. If you dont want to entertain people on a work day, tell your hubby to get food from outside or offer to bring it yourself if he can't..Get my point..?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2010
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    357
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    Even unmarried men and women KNOW the responsibilites that come with marriage, yet they themselves aren't married. Likewise, I don't need to have a kid to say "A kid is the parents responsibility". It is untrue that having a kid is the holy grail which will open up all the realities of the universe to me.

    There are two things which I really hate in this world:

    1) When parents burden their adult children to wait on them hand and foot JUST because they've given birth to them and expect to be 'paid back' for their investment.

    2) When adult children burden their parents with child care duty.

    Old parents did their duty in life raising their kids into adulthood. Now it's the kids turn to raise their own children, just as their old parents did for them. Let inlaws and parents enjoy their life without US saddling them with OUR responsibilities.

    I do know how my life will be, because I know my values and what I will and will not do to other people. I do NOT believe in pushing my responsibilities onto others, hence I know I will be taking responsibility for my future child's care. Our families are more than welcome to babysit whenever they feel like it, but on a permanent basis I will either take a break from work or hire a nanny. Unlike some people, before I bring another life into this world, I think of how I will manage life with a baby, instead of just ASSUMING everyone in the world wants to become my babysitting slave.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2010
  6. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,263
    Likes Received:
    33
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi there,

    So just so that I get it right, you feel that your husband is taking your parents and brother for granted. You guys are taking help from them but your husband is not reciprocating by helping with your dads medical bills or helping your brother.

    I do think that your hubby is being selfish and opportunistic. Have you tried communicating your dissatisfaction to him?

    I would suggest that if you feel that you are exploiting your parents for free daycare then put your kid in a paid daycare. It will be easier on your conscience.

    Also, for the same reason, if your husband summons your brother to help, step in and mention that you are not comfortable with asking for assistance since your husband does not reciprocate in kind.

    Bottom line, you need to start speaking up.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2010
  7. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,465
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    In US, for lot of people 'Arranged Marriage' term itself a new things and they get pretty amazed when the hear term 'Arranged Marriage'.
    But In India lot of people still go though it.
    At the same time, in our culture the term was not established in women yet, like get a child only when you are ready. The women’s generation is not there yet. The independent decision and individuality is not there in Indian society yet. Basically they go by norm of the society. We Indian women don’t question the husband before making the decision for the kid that’ do you support the kid with 50% responsibility’ or who is going to take care of the kid or kind of questions.
    May be next generation may reach that goal,but not todays generation.May be few of them know what exactly they are doing but not all.
     
  8. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,263
    Likes Received:
    33
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Priya,

    Wow, I am not sure about this. I think most desi girls that are working now days think a lot before procreating(unless it was unplanned).

    Also, I think that discussing childcare arrangements before hand would be common sense if both partners are working. If the girl is a home maker, then the practical solution would be that she would take care of the child during the day.
     
  9. vatsadave

    vatsadave New IL'ite

    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear OP,

    You say your brother and your DH are best friends. Then why are you worried if your husband is not willing to help HIS best friend to move? Surely, if your brother has a problem with this, then he can take it up with his best friend. Plus, your DH may have a good enough reason for why he couldnt help them move. As per your own admission, you dont know your DH's feelings behind this. You ask, whom to talk to about this. I would say you need to talk to your DH about this!! Thats logical isnt it? Instead of trying to second guess his motives all the time, whats wrong with just having a frank discussion with him about what his reasoning was.

    What do you mean when you say you are "restricted" in doing anything to help your parents financially? Has your husband told you not to? If not, and if you feel looking after your child is a financial strain on your parents, what is to stop you from helping them financially out of your own salary? Also, have your parents ever indicated to you that it is a trouble for them to look after your child? Why do you feel they are making a big "sacrifice" that needs to be acknowledged? And in what way exactly would you like to see it being acknowledged?
     
  10. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree with ASG.. Child is YOUR responsibility and if the inlaws offer help then well! Good! but if not then you need to make your own arrangements.

    Just because we delivered kids, there is no one out there waiting very anxiously, all ready to baby sit them and we should not expect that and crib if our expectations are not met.

    I mean, OP you can request them for help and thats it! Just REQUEST to your inlaws regd your child but IMO have no right to feel the way you are feeling about the whole baby sitting episode.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2010

Share This Page