Self Harming Behavior Of My Kid

sweety127 · Apr 11, 2022

Dear all,

I am feeling overwhelmed and completely scared of my current situation. I am currently pregnant with my second child and am suffering from severe nausea and vomiting. I have lost around 4 kgs in my first trimester and am unable to even take water if I don't take drugs to stop vomiting. Coincidentally, my daughter ( 5 years) has just started going to primary school after 2 long years since last week. Just in 2 days she caught a severe cold, fever, and stomach infection at school and was unable to attend classes for the next few days. Of late, I observe that she has become so adamant and emotional. She won't eat any food, drink any water, and would always demand more TV time. I am exhibiting so much restraint when it comes to disciplining her nowadays, especially after my second pregnancy. I try not to yell or smack her but I could feel the pressure building in my head. I end up sick or start crying when she is so adamant. No time-outs, talking in a stern voice, withdrawing her favorite toys, moral stories, etc are helping. She is now using a new strategy where she cries her lungs out and starts self-harming herself like pinching herself or beating her little tender hands when she is annoyed. She cries, 'I don't love you, mommy. you are not a good mommy' and then tears all the pictures she drew for me. She also occasionally tries to hit my belly. Within a few seconds, she realizes what she said and comes back to me. We end the conflict and would become lovey-dovey but that's again for only a certain period of time. Mealtimes, study times, and homework times are all super triggers and I nowadays dread bringing up the topic in front of her. She is otherwise such a nice, charming, and very sensible girl who is so kind and has a broader perspective about many things in life. I love her to the sky and don't even think about the baby in my womb. Only if my daughter is peaceful, settled, and healthy, will I be able to think about anything else. I have additional woes like job, PhD, etc. Any suggestions on how to amicably deal with my daughter would be very helpful to me at this stage.
Thank you.

KashmirFlower · Apr 11, 2022

May be she is going to school first time, (she might have forgot if she went to day care) so stressed out. Did you get a chance to talk to her teacher, is she mingling, playing and talking with other kids? Is she is happy in school then some other stress is there for the kid. It could be the new baby.
You can explain that with sibling you can spend time, they are super cute. As the baby grows you can play with her like that....

SGBV · Apr 12, 2022

Kids like adult have physical & emotional needs. They mostly receive love, affection & more importantly time from their mummies than anyone else.
The little times you spend in calm with them like cuddling, kissing, playing, story telling, feeding food & sleeping are the nutrition they need now.

I understand, with your second pregnancy & all that is happening around you it is possible that you have taken your luxurious time with your DD for granted. It is impossible to cuddle & play with a pre-schooler when you are nauseating & tired.
You can't sit & relax with her, rather you would want that time to rest & sleep.

The pregnancy mood swing is another culprit. Kids can sense this fast, and react to it too.
They don't want a grumpy mummy who is so emotional and hyper at the same time.

I am sure, your DD is missing the real you. She doesn't know about your pregnancy hormones or anything. That's why she is trying to seek attention by doing things she know well to gain back her original mummy.

This phase will pass too.... Ask your H or any other family member to replace your role in her life to the extend possible, so that she isn't missing anything.
Try your best to spend as much as time now with the LO, because the first few months after delivery would be so hectic.

Talk to her about your pregnancy problems in a child friendly manner, so the little brain will grasp it & act accordingly

Mehana · Apr 28, 2022

Self harming something you have to look into. More you spend time with her she will be happy and stop beating herself.

I totally understand you got lot in your plate, don't stress yourself try to sort things out. Take a break if needed. I believe you stay in USA?

Talk to her teacher and ask her how she's doing in school. Also it's new place for her it takes some time to adjust.

Try to talk to her a lot and ask her about the school, her interest at home..what she wants to do in the weekends

sarvantaryamini · Apr 28, 2022

Get her health checked. Kids don't throw tantrums for no reason. Something is bothering her for sure. I strongly suggest going for a blood checkup, check her BP and other vitals. Is she gaining too much weight? Or she might be having trouble at school. It's not your baby for sure. Do not smack or discipline her. Is it possible for you to get help for chores at home? If she wants more TV time, bargain with her, tell her she needs to finish up and then she can do whatever she wants. Do you have neighbors with kids? Maybe she just wants more social interaction.

Sweety2016 · Jun 23, 2022

Thank you everybody for your comments. It's been a while since I logged into IL as I was completely held up with tasks at home and work. Ever since those episodes, I started treading very carefully with her. What I understood is that I am the real culprit who is unable to manage the kid in an effective manner. When she tells no to HW, won't eat her food, be naughty, and throws things around, I started yelling and even sometimes smack her. She started behaving more adamantly after that. She gets sad, and emotional and once blurted out that she doesn't like this mommy version at all and told me to explain to her calmly what is expected out of her. I got the clue and try my best not to yell at her or force her into doing things instantly. She also has mellowed down a lot ever since I started having casual talks with her about her likes, and dislikes and we would laugh together about her day at school. She eagerly looks forward to that time of the day when we finish all our chores lie in the bed and talk about a variety of things in complete privacy. In my childhood, there used to be a proverb. " Adi udhavara maari annan thambi udhava maatanga" or even the more famous, 'Spare the rod and spoil the child'. Now I understand that there are much better alternatives to dealing with innocent children rather than the one suggested by the proverbs. Hope I adhere to this lesson tightly throughout.