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selective memory

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by newwife, Jan 15, 2015.

  1. newwife

    newwife Bronze IL'ite

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    I am frustrated with my husbands selective memory. My in laws have been horrible to me as a result my communication with them is limited even though they live me. But my husband is constantly pushing me to get closer to them and talk to them more. When I remind him of how mean they have been, he has selective memory. He either remembers the incident differently (favourable to in laws) or he doesnt think anything that happened to me was a big deal. Then somehow he finds a reason to blame me for my in laws behaviour (only if I had been more patient, only if I had been more flexible, only if I had done things differently....then his parents would not have behaved the way they behaved). When a new incident happens he is sometimes sympathetic, then few days later he has this selective memory again. Anybody else face this?
     
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  2. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Newwife....lookslike u r writing my story here....i feel most amazed how he make the incident favourable to his parents....
    even if he goes to confront his parents...it seems tht he is singing the sags of their greatness....:rotfl.....
    I have accepted him as he is becoz otherwise he is good....but i keeo my feet strong on my grounds and dont buzz frm there...now everybody knows i am a toughnut....
     
  3. shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    in my case it is my in laws who suffer from this selective memory syndrome. They absolutely do not remember hundreds of cases where they wronged us/me badly. They only remember very well the one or two cases where we/i protested and faught back and use them to tell us and also the world that we hurt their sentiment as we are bad son/dil.
    Can not do anything with these people dear as you can wake up a person who is really sleeping, but cannot wake up a person who is pretending to sleep and does not want to be awaken. So only one way out, simply ignore their memory. Just don't care as to what they remember..its hard. I know..i am still in the process of trying myself...
     
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  4. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

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    yes I too am suffering from this from past 3 years after my kid was born. I thought he will change etc but now their are no hopes left . he wants always to side by his parents even if its their fault and blame me and my parents. Now I have decided not to suffer anymore and hence am standing strong on what I want and what I feel I should do.

    I am always saying this saying in mind " Do what you feel is right because you will be criticized anyway "
     
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  5. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Don't point out these incidents where they wronged you. Be polite to ILs while talking, but keep busy with yourself, so no need to indulge in talking much. If DH says some thing, tell him you are always polite to them. Say you are taking care not to say any thing that may offend them, hence the limited conversation.

    Try to convince your husband to move out of IL's place. Be patient. Let him take some time to decide. The reason for moving can be anything - nearness to office, better community, more friends, etc. other than IL's bad behavior.
     
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  6. noush

    noush Bronze IL'ite

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    My suggestion would be similar to wha Nb25 just suggested above.. abut i would say that whenever you speak with you in-laws, make sure the converstaions are short and to the point, in a polite tone and ALWAYS infront of your hubby. NEVER without him.
    and stick to it
     
  7. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with nb25, be yourself.

    But, not sure moving out of the house is an option or not.

    Being a new bride, you may not have much choice. Ignore them, be yourself, do what you like, be respectful, don't complain about them to DH and don't react/respond to their 'tantrum'.

    Of course, they will talk about you behind your back and eventually stop, asking you directly due to your cold treatment.

    Having the deaf ears and showing a happy, smiley face will make them to back off! In a way, it the defensive mechanism (arrogance?).
     
  8. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    I totally agree with nb25.

    keep in good book for ur DH, keepin touch with PILs but keep it formal talks without making look like formal

    Do not point out faults of PIL directly, point it as if u r not complaining...

    and most importantly ... accept when he points out it is ur parents fault, and do not hesitate to correct them
     
  9. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    When he pushes you, tell him that for you, real closeness, comfort and trust needs time to develop. Pushing will not be good. Tell him that you are working on it with baby steps.

    Do not complain about them. But objectively, you could describe things that transpired b/w you and inlaws. Complaining will result in opposite effect. Try to keep your husband as a witness for all interactions.

    If it were me, whenever he admits their fault i would take a pen and paper and jokingly ask him to acknowledge my hurt in writing. Tell him that that is all you look for mostly.

    Admit, whenever possible, if you really could have done something differently. That would convince him that you are trying as well.

    Initial years of marriage are most difficult. Hang in there.
     
  10. newwife

    newwife Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you ladies for your wise suggestions.
    I am working on the art of not complaining. If something really bad has happened, my spouse will acknowledge. But like I said few days later, or somehow his parents will convince him that they didnt do anything so bad. And he will say it wasnt a big deal, or that he doesnt remember.

    Also my spouse uses silent treatment as a way of control. If he doenst like what I am saying, or if I dont agree with his side of things or apologize, he will go silent for days. I am new to London, and dont know anyone here. It becomes difficult when the only person I do know here stops talking to me. Anybody else experience this?
     

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