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Seems like a good mantra. Try it at your risk!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sunny3, Jan 21, 2010.

  1. Sunny3

    Sunny3 New IL'ite

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    I met a couple at a party in my friends house last month and they seemed nice and friendly. During some of the conversation she said her mom told her that making a deal saves marriage. We asked whats the deal?

    She said , the deal between them is:.. if one of them does not like what the other did ,frustrated about some thing then they have all freedom to shout and yell at the other and use all abusive words too and once it starts from one person the other keeps quiet and takes all the vent out feelings. Once, it is all vented out thats it. Now, the other person gets to speak back only next day. And she said by next day majority of the times the person who started would apologise and then that would end it there. She said it will only get aggravated and take all crazy twists and turns only if that other person started to retaliate, defend the same time.

    So, by keeping quiet one person is giving the other to vent out fully. And then the underlying love, affection and feeling of regret at using all the abusive words creeps in and replaces the anger and frustration. And also since the other person was quiet you tend to feel sorry for him as he took all that crap from you. That is what makes that person apologize the next day or when anger calms down.

    She says so far it worked good for us!

    Good mantra!! I thought. Wondered if my dh could sit still while I yelled at him. Yet to try that!!:)

    Sunitha
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2010
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I have to respectfully disagree with this technique. I'm not a fan of the keeping silent technique at all when it comes to a discussion between husband and wife.

    I believe a couple should be able to express themselves, be it in coversation or fight, in a way that is neither hostile or abusive. Me and dh were not always able to do that... but with practice, we've been able to learn how to have a healthy arguement where the situation is resolved without anyone getting their feelings hurt.

    I don't think anyone should have to be blindly shouted at nonstop, or listen to bad words. Basically, why should one person become the other's punching bag?

    Also, I don't like problems to drag on. So if I have an issue with my dh TODAY, I want to get it solved ASAP so it doesn't spill over into tomorrow.

    We are all adults and should be able to have a dialogue with our partners. If we can't do that without going into a rage, then perhaps we need to introspect and figure out why we can't get ourselves under control. In fights... lot of times total silence is taken as a sign of being passive agressive. If my dh did that to me, I'd probably feel even more angry. Definitely if there is a threat of physical violence one should keep quiet so the situation de-escalates. But I think a couple needs to work through a war of the words situation and learn to 'fight fair' and not simply run away from the problem. JMO.
     
  3. tuliplady

    tuliplady Gold IL'ite

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    Nope..it does not work with us. My dh is quiter type of a person. But if I kept yelling while he is quiet, it makes me even more mad. We both cant fight and keep a grudge for long time. We dont argue long enough, and certainly dont want fights to spill over the next day! Just finish the argument once for all:))
    Plus, i don think one should have the right to shower abuse on their spouses!
     
  4. Padmasrinivas

    Padmasrinivas Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Sunitha,

    I was intrigued by the catchy title of your post and wondered about this mantra! I must agree that trying out the mantra is definitely a big risk...it might work the other way round and create a big rift!

    I can imagine how difficult it is to listen to the harsh words of the spouse and remain silent. Even in everyday life, one's first reaction is to give an immediate retort when someone is offensive.

    Maybe the best solution is to hash it out and resolve the issue at the earliest...

    Just my :my2cents!

    LnBBHs,
    Padma

     
  5. Indyan

    Indyan New IL'ite

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    I feel in a way this mantra works .

    I'll disscuss my case:-

    Say,I'm not happy with something and have to put my point across ,usually I dont lose my temper(4 out of 5 times),I try to disscuss it with my wife.And we end up having a good conversation .

    But once in a while if I get really angry and and in the heat of the moment I start raising the volume:rant(I dont use any foul languge ,I try to watch it) then my wife has a way of bring it down.She immediatly "shuts down".
    By Shut down I mean ,she wont storm out of the room,or start crying or anything like that .She'll just not open her mouth,She'll sit there and watch me .By the look on her face I know that she has something to add and she does (her take on the issue), but she wont say anything unless I tone down the volume.
    On some occasions my wife started an argument by raising her volume,I was kind of blind sided ,coz I did not understand what she was mad about .Then I did the same ,let her cool down,and then I tried to understand what she was saying,and then try to figure out.

    We did not wait till the next day for sure ,I feel that would be too long to keep any issue unresolved.24 hrs is just too long ,thats just my opinion.
     
  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Just wanted to add in one more thing... I think the basic message of the mantra is a good one... about waiting/thinking before you speak. That is DEFINITELY a positive thing to do and one I have suggested numerous times on this site to people wanting to know how to keep a fight under control. Like, if I can feel the anger boiling up inside me when I'm fighting with dh, or I can feel an insult coming on.... I recognize that I've reached the danger zone (where I might say something hurtful to him) so I wait ten seconds before I say something new... and in those ten seconds I think whether what I'm about to say is going to make the situation worse or if it's going to add anything constructive to the debate. Doesn't always work, sometimes I mess up big time and speak without thinking! :bonk But I feel it's helpful MOST of the time.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2010
  7. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    I dont think this mantra will work for me, since dh totally shuts off if I yell. I myself prefer a mature discussion with no yelling and no tears. This actually works for us.
     
  8. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    hmmm.. it's not an universal mantra for sure. Because, there can never be anything like that for such a diverse characters of human beings :mrgreen: It depends on the couple involved, end of the day.
     
  9. neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    hmmm....i have tried this before...sometimes works for me..but the down-side is that we will not be having a communication..its soemthing like one person will tell what he /she does not like and the other is ok with it.... and next day both are back to normal means they did not even discuss what triggered the fight.... so,hidden feelings might stil be there....
    IMO,such a mantra is dangerous...i'm telling from my own experience...better to talk out right at that moment....
     
  10. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    doesnt work for me because.. I dont like it if my DH is silent all thru my venting.. I will go mad. I want him to answer / discuss then and there and finish off with it. Also I cannot be silent being on the recieving end because, I just have to argue/ justify right then.. both of us will not take any nonsense from the other.. meaning we have to sort it out right there. Cannot even see each other eye to eye until we finish the discussion / argument. once done, we both are fine and pals again. this works well for us.
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2010

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