Seems like a good mantra. Try it at your risk!!

I have to respectfully disagree with this technique. I'm not a fan of the keeping silent technique at all when it comes to a discussion between husband and wife.

I believe a couple should be able to express themselves, be it in coversation or fight, in a way that is neither hostile or abusive. Me and dh were not always able to do that... but with practice, we've been able to learn how to have a healthy arguement where the situation is resolved without anyone getting their feelings hurt.

I don't think anyone should have to be blindly shouted at nonstop, or listen to bad words. Basically, why should one person become the other's punching bag?

Also, I don't like problems to drag on. So if I have an issue with my dh TODAY, I want to get it solved ASAP so it doesn't spill over into tomorrow.

We are all adults and should be able to have a dialogue with our partners. If we can't do that without going into a rage, then perhaps we need to introspect and figure out why we can't get ourselves under control. In fights... lot of times total silence is taken as a sign of being passive agressive. If my dh did that to me, I'd probably feel even more angry. Definitely if there is a threat of physical violence one should keep quiet so the situation de-escalates. But I think a couple needs to work through a war of the words situation and learn to 'fight fair' and not simply run away from the problem. JMO.

 

Nope..it does not work with us. My dh is quiter type of a person. But if I kept yelling while he is quiet, it makes me even more mad. We both cant fight and keep a grudge for long time. We dont argue long enough, and certainly dont want fights to spill over the next day! Just finish the argument once for all)
Plus, i don think one should have the right to shower abuse on their spouses!

 

Dear Sunitha,

I was intrigued by the catchy title of your post and wondered about this mantra! I must agree that trying out the mantra is definitely a big risk...it might work the other way round and create a big rift!

I can imagine how difficult it is to listen to the harsh words of the spouse and remain silent. Even in everyday life, one's first reaction is to give an immediate retort when someone is offensive.

Maybe the best solution is to hash it out and resolve the issue at the earliest...

Just my :my2cents!

LnBBHs,
Padma

 

I feel in a way this mantra works .

I'll disscuss my case:-

Say,I'm not happy with something and have to put my point across ,usually I dont lose my temper(4 out of 5 times),I try to disscuss it with my wife.And we end up having a good conversation .

But once in a while if I get really angry and and in the heat of the moment I start raising the volume:rant(I dont use any foul languge ,I try to watch it) then my wife has a way of bring it down.She immediatly "shuts down".
By Shut down I mean ,she wont storm out of the room,or start crying or anything like that .She'll just not open her mouth,She'll sit there and watch me .By the look on her face I know that she has something to add and she does (her take on the issue), but she wont say anything unless I tone down the volume.
On some occasions my wife started an argument by raising her volume,I was kind of blind sided ,coz I did not understand what she was mad about .Then I did the same ,let her cool down,and then I tried to understand what she was saying,and then try to figure out.

We did not wait till the next day for sure ,I feel that would be too long to keep any issue unresolved.24 hrs is just too long ,thats just my opinion.

 

Just wanted to add in one more thing... I think the basic message of the mantra is a good one... about waiting/thinking before you speak. That is DEFINITELY a positive thing to do and one I have suggested numerous times on this site to people wanting to know how to keep a fight under control. Like, if I can feel the anger boiling up inside me when I'm fighting with dh, or I can feel an insult coming on.... I recognize that I've reached the danger zone (where I might say something hurtful to him) so I wait ten seconds before I say something new... and in those ten seconds I think whether what I'm about to say is going to make the situation worse or if it's going to add anything constructive to the debate. Doesn't always work, sometimes I mess up big time and speak without thinking! :bonk But I feel it's helpful MOST of the time.

 

I dont think this mantra will work for me, since dh totally shuts off if I yell. I myself prefer a mature discussion with no yelling and no tears. This actually works for us.

 

hmmm.. it's not an universal mantra for sure. Because, there can never be anything like that for such a diverse characters of human beings :mrgreen: It depends on the couple involved, end of the day.

 

hmmm....i have tried this before...sometimes works for me..but the down-side is that we will not be having a communication..its soemthing like one person will tell what he /she does not like and the other is ok with it.... and next day both are back to normal means they did not even discuss what triggered the fight.... so,hidden feelings might stil be there....
IMO,such a mantra is dangerous...i'm telling from my own experience...better to talk out right at that moment....

 

doesnt work for me because.. I dont like it if my DH is silent all thru my venting.. I will go mad. I want him to answer / discuss then and there and finish off with it. Also I cannot be silent being on the recieving end because, I just have to argue/ justify right then.. both of us will not take any nonsense from the other.. meaning we have to sort it out right there. Cannot even see each other eye to eye until we finish the discussion / argument. once done, we both are fine and pals again. this works well for us.