Seeking Help On A Lifetime Decision

star90new · Jul 29, 2018

Dear OP

This guy gives his kid more importance than you. Maybe he loves his child more as he has no wife now. Wont he love a second child equally, if he had one? Wont the love between you and him increase with time?

I think him loving his child shows a dependable and trustworthy person. Once you get married he will give you more importance and if you both have a child together he will love you child equally to the first. If he loves your child a lot and love you in a good way, wont that make you contented?

When I say about the second child dont forget or love the first less. Always love the first child more as she is the reason you liked him. When he sees that you love the first kid he will surely love you more.( I have heard of people treating the first kid badly, so please take care.) Before all this I think its good to know why he got divorced in the first place.

Barupavi · Jul 29, 2018

star90new said: ↑

Dear OP

This guy gives his kid more importance than you. Maybe he loves his child more as he has no wife now. Wont he love a second child equally, if he had one? Wont the love between you and him increase with time?

I think him loving his child shows a dependable and trustworthy person. Once you get married he will give you more importance and if you both have a child together he will love you child equally to the first. If he loves your child a lot and love you in a good way, wont that make you contented?

When I say about the second child dont forget or love the first less. Always love the first child more as she is the reason you liked him. When he sees that you love the first kid he will surely love you more.( I have heard of people treating the first kid badly, so please take care.) Before all this I think its good to know why he got divorced in the first place.
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Yes star90 I have asked me myself many times whether I will be able to treat his child as mine though I have one in future..I have prepared myself to be a mother at first place and then his wife.His divorce was due to his ex extramarital relation..I am sure about this as I got too see some photos which he kept for submission in court accidentally.Tq for concern

GeetaKashyap · Jul 29, 2018

Barupavi said: ↑

Dear ILites

Hope you all are doing well.I am here back in a chaotic mode not able to come to a conclusion.Few months back I thought that I will be posting in IL about getting back my life.But now am back here trying to put me at least in a comfortable mode.I cant even concentrate well to write this post.However I will gather my concentration and make my story small.Have patience while listening to me ILites.

As I have already posted my past life here I am a 29 year old divorcee and it has been 4 years I got divorced.The problem is that he was a narcissist and he abused me physically.Now I have forgotten all the things that happened in my life and put myself into my career.But God had had more plans for me.

Here goes my story.

My workplace has only four members and one of them happened to be a guy and he is 37.I am quite reserved and even bit orthodox .As we had to spend much time together we came to know each other,I felt much comfortable with him owing to his well behaved approach towards woman his jovial talks and well he was introduced as a married person to me which gave me extra courage to spend time with him.But we were true friends nothing more than that. As he stayed alone he used to chat with me simply over things happened in office,general topics,childhood memories. I won’t speak of my personal neither he will talk.At a point of time he told me that he is in verge of separation even then I didn’t tell him of my past.I literally prayed for his life to be in right track.

After few days I too shared my story telling believing him.Few days later he proposed me but I didn't accept telling him that his life will be fine.But after knowing the exact reason behind his divorce that was due to the extra marital affair of his wife I was ready by mind to accept.

But I dint tell him.Most importantly he has a girl child of 5years. After making a lot of inquiries about his child and all family issues I felt that he is my destiny and he is the one sent for me.True to my heart I was ready to be mother of that child.

I made my story this big to make you all understand that I did not choose him desperate for a relation or am not even a girl who talks to guys very easily.I believed that these all happened with him as he was my destiny.He too felt the same.

Now my problems are here

(i)Though I knew there will be compromises in this relation like he will not be available to me all the time or lack of some intimacies,I never regretted that because I am a person of low expectations and I will be able to handle things easily.

But the truth which hurts me now is that I missed to know that I am only secondary to him after his child and he likes me, loves me but am not that important to him as he is to me.He is much bound to his child that is correct but he has brought me into his life but didn’t give me that place.

(ii)If my parents have accepted for this there would be no mess I would have bore the above said truth and carried on. But they are strongly opposing and they are right from their side.When I told them, they straight away rejected the proposal as he has a child and this life will definitely bring problems.Moreover I met with an accident and got my skull injured badly when I traveled with him in bike as I missed my daily vehicle.But he prayed to shave his head once I get fine.They also think he is not matured to his age.But he is very matured but he is very jovial and talkative.I don’t have any strong reasons for him to oppose my parents.

(iii)And now he brings forth a new problem .I knew his ex is regularly contacting their child over phone and she will be with her mom during weekends.But now his EX’ parents are so cunning that they want to loot his properties that they will even murder him.He will never give away his child’s custody and I never want him to do that. But he says that he will be entirely focusing on his child’s welfare and he will not be able to concentrate on me.So he is not sure whether he wants this relation and he will go away if I want him to do so.Inspite of the intimacies we shared he told this.Intimacies not exactly but yes we hugged kissed few time and I permitted it hoping that he will be my life.To be true he is not a zero fault person.

He is a very average person and he never dreamed of a life with me but he respects me and like me.

I am stuck as I cant move materialistically searching for another life as it is already my second life and I don’t wanna cheat any one. I thought to be single and adopt a child but i am not that strong woman.I knew I will be fed up.

I do not know how these problems look to you all but I cant even concentrate in my daily routine .I make a lot of mistakes in my job and I feel bad for letting myself free.When I had failure in my first life I was courageous but now am a sinner.At times I feel like killing myself.

I thought of consulting a psychiatrist to get my problems solved but hoping that IL with wisdom ful ladies will definitely help me solve my life problems.Really gonna decide based on all your inputs.Suggest me please.Thank you all in advance.
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OP,
Let me understand your issue, correct me if I got it wrong.
YOU-
.29 yrs old divorcee who has taken a liking for this 37 yr old man.
.You are not yet married to him and your parents have reservations.
.He has a 5 yr old daughter to whom he gives all the preference and you can never get his full attention.
.You are confused whether to accept everything and marry him or move on, as suggested by parents.
.You are strongly protective towards him and you seem to sympathise with his issues.

HE-
.He has proposed.
.Still battling with his ex and the in-laws over the child.
.He is making it amply clear to you that he wants you in his life but will not give that special status to you.

My reading is, he is working from the area of INSECURITY AND HAS THE DOG IN THE MANGER ATTITUDE with his ex. He doesn't want his ex to have anything more than the mandatory, with his daughter and he doesn't want to give anyone any chance to point a finger at him or he doesn't want his ex to get even one point to score against him. He is still not done with battles with his ex.SO HE IS FEEDING HIS OWN INSECURITIES.

If you feel so strongly for him, you will have to -
.Assure him that you will love his daughter even more than him and will NOT ALLOW HIS EX TO GET A CHANCE TO COMPLAIN OR HAVE AN UPPER HAND.
. You will have to assure him that HIS IDEAS AND IDEALS are the most important things to you in life and you are ready to sacrifice anything and everything for it and prove it till he gets convinced and trusts you. This may, to some extent, help him to relax and give you some attention.

Now you have to question, whether you are ready for this challenge full of hurdles and pitfalls.(In most couples with trust issues, even for small issues like a little fall or injury to their biological child, spouses bring the house down accusing the other of negligence. Here the possibilities are , forever you will be under scrutiny)

Considering his insecurity, I don't see any good prospect here. Take a decision from your brain and not the heart. At 29, you are not too old to despair and marriage is not the ultimate in life. A happy spinsterhood is better than an unhappy marriage.

All the best.

Barupavi · Jul 29, 2018

yellowmango said: ↑

Op....you are taking the office romance too seriously.
It is just an office romance even if their was a bit of intimacy. There was no commitment from either side.
He did not put a ring on your finger.

You were neither engaged nor married....so do not consider it as the second chance.

Infact you have to be very sure this time before you decide.
From your first post....it is very clear that you have apprehensions about his level of commitment to you and your place in the house after marriage.
These are all very valid fears. There is nothing wrong. Do not feel bad that you are not open to the idea of marrying a guy with a child.

Becoming a step parent requires a lot of maturity, commitments and it involves a lot of sacrifices over and above the normal ones expected from an Indian woman.
If that doesnt come to you naturally and willingly....then it is unfair to you and to others.

You are in your prime and would like to have a child of your own. That will complicate matters further.

You are too young to settle if you are not sure.
Women these days are getting married first time in their thirties.

If you still feel you should give this a shot...talk to the guy.
Talk about your doubts and future.
Ask him about what are his plans to settle to down in his life with his daughter.
Does he have any plans? Will he make an effort to help or you will be expected to manage the situation with the child on your own.
Ask him about future children. Ask him about the place you and your children will have
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At the first place I feel an elderly support from your words.Thank you for taking time to reply me.I assure you that I will take my time and go through all the inner doubts and will come to a decision after a reasonable time.Will keep you updated.

Barupavi · Jul 29, 2018

GeetaKashyap said: ↑

OP,
Let me understand your issue, correct me if I got it wrong.
YOU-
.29 yrs old divorcee who has taken a liking for this 37 yr old man.
.You are not yet married to him and your parents have reservations.
.He has a 5 yr old daughter to whom he gives all the preference and you can never get his full attention.
.You are confused whether to accept everything and marry him or move on, as suggested by parents.
.You are strongly protective towards him and you seem to sympathise with his issues.

HE-
.He has proposed.
.Still battling with his ex and the in-laws over the child.
.He is making it amply clear to you that he wants you in his life but will not give that special status to you.

My reading is, he is working from the area of INSECURITY AND HAS THE DOG IN THE MANGER ATTITUDE with his ex. He doesn't want his ex to have anything more than the mandatory, with his daughter and he doesn't want to give anyone any chance to point a finger at him or he doesn't want his ex to get even one point to score against him. He is still not done with battles with his ex.SO HE IS FEEDING HIS OWN INSECURITIES.

If you feel so strongly for him, you will have to -
.Assure him that you will love his daughter even more than him and will NOT ALLOW HIS EX TO GET A CHANCE TO COMPLAIN OR HAVE AN UPPER HAND.
. You will have to assure him that HIS IDEAS AND IDEALS are the most important things to you in life and you are ready to sacrifice anything and everything for it and prove it till he gets convinced and trusts you. This may, to some extent, help him to relax and give you some attention.

Now you have to question, whether you are ready for this challenge full of hurdles and pitfalls.(In most couples with trust issues, even for small issues like a little fall or injury to their biological child, spouses bring the house down accusing the other of negligence. Here the possibilities are , forever you will be under scrutiny)

Considering his insecurity, I don't see any good prospect here. Take a decision from your brain and not the heart. At 29, you are not too old to despair and marriage is not the ultimate in life. Happy spinsterhood is better than unhappy marriage.

All the best.
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Dear geethakashyap
Really feeling light after reading your thoughtful inputs.and am not really desparate for marriage.I will analyse myself with all your valuable thoughts and conclude.Thankyou for concern.

DDream · Jul 29, 2018

Did he divorce his wife ?
Or still thinking about it.

Shreema86 · Jul 29, 2018

the first thing you need to find is why his marriage is ending.

Barupavi · Jul 29, 2018

DDream said: ↑

Did he divorce his wife ?
Or still thinking about it.
Click to expand...

Yes he divorced and all the legal formalities finished..he got his child's custody..all happened last year

Barupavi · Jul 29, 2018

Shreema86 said: ↑

the first thing you need to find is why his marriage is ending.
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I found a truth in his statement that his wife had another affair..and he had some pics his wife took with her boyfriend..i happened to see those pics accidentally when I used his mobile for official purpose

BhumiBabe · Jul 30, 2018

Hello OP,

I think, as women, we have a tendency to sell ourselves short and commit to relationships that might not be in your best interest. You are young! You are not tethering at "old age", to worry about this guy as your final option.
You say that you are willing to take the role of step-mother, but you are put off by this guy putting first priority and importance to his daughter- a parent should always put their children's best interest first, but it doesn't mean that he's incapable of loving you.
I hear a lot of doubt from you, about trying to find someone else after instinctually realizing that this guy might not be for you. I think you should listen to that instinct. You will find someone else, and things will be ok. Don't fear the unknown- you never know who's destined for you and when he'll enter your life.