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Seeking Help On A Lifetime Decision

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Barupavi, Jul 28, 2018.

  1. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Don’t put a restriction on yourself as second relationship/ third relationship, it’s either a good one or a bad one.
    Don’t make your life miserable just because you are worried about the number of the relationship n make that mistake bigger n spoil your whole life.

    Regarding the child, that child will always be the first priority, not only for him, but for anyone, even any other women too. It’s a natural instinct.
    - Can you really accept that child as your own even after he treats you secondary to the child or will it build resentment inside you ??
    - Will he have a child with you ?
    - If no, are you ok with it?
    - If yes, will you treat both the children equally even after the secondary treatment ?

    His ex n her parents will be a part of his life forever, there will be custody n property battles forever too. N if his ex settles well outside, your life maybe better. If she struggles, she will ensure your life will suffer too, u can call it evil, cunning or whatever but that’s the ground reality. After all we are jus human beings.
    - can you handle this drama forever?
    - from the child’s school to everything, ex maybe a part of everything, how much can u take ?

    Your parents have all the rights to oppose this because they can see the future problems that you would have to face.

    Also note, the more problems he faces, the intimacy issue will also keep getting bigger. You maybe stuck in another bad marriage with only negative things. Dont choose a wrong path knowingly.

    Your choices:
    - You either choose to accept him with all the challenges n face all the problems for life
    - or take a break for a while atleast to see if he’s able to sort out his issues once n for all
    - Or break up
    Reason of 2nd/3rd or the number of relationship should NOT be the only reason to stay in a relationship. You have only ONE life.
     
    bron, Laks09, sindmani and 5 others like this.
  2. sneha1985

    sneha1985 Gold IL'ite

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    Am not an expert, but based on my experience I would suggest to stay away from him and let him go. As @messedup said, you have 2 problems of what if don't get married to him and what happens after you get married to him. I know the first one sounds difficult when you are in love with someone and is difficult after you let them go, but that would only last few months. However if life messes up after marriage, it becomes more difficult.

    I was dealing with a guy who had 2 pasts and even though he wanted to marry me and bring me into his life, his first priority was his current family and not me. He even told me that I will have to obey whatever his family plans/decides for me and if I say anything or ask to do something that I like to, it would end up in fight where he wouldn't even care if I would sit and cry for hours or not eat for entire day. Even this guy was jovial and showed qualities of loving and caring initially when we started talking.

    I feel the guy you are describing is similar to the guy I met and I feel his child would be his life, so you will always hold less priority for him and if you say anything to his child it might not go well in the relationship.
     
    bron, sweetsmiley, messedup and 2 others like this.
  3. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    No not yet..my parents didn't permit. But I have started living with him by heart(may sound cinematic but this is not new in Indian society)
     
  4. EagerForInfo

    EagerForInfo Gold IL'ite

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    Be careful and think clearly by taking ur time before committing to anything. You are still young. People in this generation are waiting till 30 to even get married. People are “starting “ to look for grooms brides at 26-27. So don’t panic. Take ur time think carefully and cautiously before u decide. Of course I know that’s what ur trying to do but just wanted to remind u.

    Just see how this guy reacts if u say u will marry him next year. Just see what his response is like. BUT TAKE UR TIME DECIDE CAREFULLY AND DONT RUSH INTO THINGS.
     
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  5. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    Very true and perfect grasp of the situation. Thank you for your worthy input.will update you
     
  6. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes thank you for your concern like what you show to your sibling. Will take time at least an year .will keep you updated
     
  7. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    Exactly Sneha..he is also much obedient to his family and at times he wont care for my sad feelings.Will try my best to put me in right situation.Thank you
     
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  8. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    Me too asked him the same question about progeny..he was sure that he is no it that much selfish to spoil my life and he definitely needs a child through me
     
  9. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    He says he is ready to wait for me.yes I already asked:blush:
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....you are taking the office romance too seriously.
    It is just an office romance even if their was a bit of intimacy. There was no commitment from either side.
    He did not put a ring on your finger.

    You were neither engaged nor married....so do not consider it as the second chance.

    Infact you have to be very sure this time before you decide.
    From your first post....it is very clear that you have apprehensions about his level of commitment to you and your place in the house after marriage.
    These are all very valid fears. There is nothing wrong. Do not feel bad that you are not open to the idea of marrying a guy with a child.

    Becoming a step parent requires a lot of maturity, commitments and it involves a lot of sacrifices over and above the normal ones expected from an Indian woman.
    If that doesnt come to you naturally and willingly....then it is unfair to you and to others.

    You are in your prime and would like to have a child of your own. That will complicate matters further.

    You are too young to settle if you are not sure.
    Women these days are getting married first time in their thirties.

    If you still feel you should give this a shot...talk to the guy.
    Talk about your doubts and future.
    Ask him about what are his plans to settle to down in his life with his daughter.
    Does he have any plans? Will he make an effort to help or you will be expected to manage the situation with the child on your own.
    Ask him about future children. Ask him about the place you and your children will have in his life.

    What is the risk in asking tough questions?
    He is in any case willing to let you go so easily.
    He is not even making an effort to keep you in your life .
    Will he have the same attitude of ' you can leave if you want ' after marriage ?

    There is no hurry....take your time.
    Cut out the intimacy bit because you seem to be conservative and take such things too seriously .
    If things don't work out then you will be hurt .

    You should pay more attention to your career right now. It will distract you from the guy and give you more time to think about it rationally rather than emotionally.


    He also needs to get over his bad marriage.
    He needs time to be single and sort out his life.
    He should not marry you on the rebound.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2018
    bron, Laks09, BhumiBabe and 4 others like this.

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