Seeking Advise

SGBV · Sep 15, 2018

Desimommy said: ↑

Have done that in the past (that is did according to my schedule) and was blamed that I don't let them do what they want in the kitchen , don't pay heed to their desires (or likes of what they like to eat) and it gives MIL a feeling of not being at home.
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You need to be little tactful here. This black or white approach will not work.
Find a fine balance....

If I were you, I would neither leave the kitchen to MIL, nor do I cook everything according to my schedule.
I would cook the basic, yet important stuff that I am not afford to miss in any case. In your last example, it is the main dish.
Let MIL cook whatever the side dish, fry, sweets or anything as she pleases.
At the end of the day, her items may complement with your dish or not. No harm, as you don't have to rush at the last minute by leaving your other plans.

My point is, don't get possesive of your kitchen when guests are around, specially in laws.
Let them cook and do what they want at their son's place as they please. It definitely pleases your H, and hence the bond between you two.
At the same time, don't depend on them way too much on your family matters.
Eg: Your food, your H's food, the tiffin box items to work, the kid's food are all important, and you can't rely on them.
At the same time, MIL can contribute with her additional dishes, sweets or even another main dish.
It is not a crime to have a couple of main dishes when guests are around. After all, you all need some nice food once in a while!!!

VandhenaKrish · Sep 15, 2018

Dear OP , Shall I tell u something? Everybody has this phase in life .. The stress is because you are preoccupied with the thoughts like what and all sufferings ahead upon their arrival .. those who live with in laws are used to this everyday chaos and found some way to manage it .. your DH spends lot of time with them now because he sees them occasionally but after having them permanently they are also going to be like how you are for him .. that is the treatment would be same ... Above all , it's totally in you .. you have brought two kids to this world .. they are ur world u should pack up urself with ample of positive energy n start looking into everyday as a boon .. I hope u will .gud luck . After all , all of us are humans to stand in front of other humans with courage ..

nakshatra1 · Sep 16, 2018

Rihana said: ↑

.....And you are crying into the pillow in the children's bedroom?

.....Do u really think a 9 year old independently came to the conclusion "you are sad as daddy don't spend much time with you when Dadu Dadi are around"? No. It came from your reactions or silences.

.....You have to sit and reflect how exactly she figured out your sadness is due to daddy not spending much time with you? And is it fair for her to deal with that burden?

..... are going sleeping in their room when you know you cry in bed. Why put a little child through the pain of mom crying in her room? Sorry but that is incredibly selfish of you.

.
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Very very important points

parvathi1980 · Sep 18, 2018

Why are we women stuck with this problem? In fact most people don't even think how badly daughter in laws are treated in superficially happy families. Tell your husband that his parents should stay in India as they can be more independent there. Here they will have to depend on both of you and you have jobs also to take care of.

Desimommy · Nov 21, 2018

Its been couple of months since I posted. I have been hanging in there. Have adjusted quite a bit. There are times when I want to give up completely. But compromise thinking they are my DH parents who mean a world to them. Recently our nanny out of blue had to take off, and my DH confidently asked his parent to look after my kids after they return home, while I wanted them to stay in daycare. DH wants IL to bond with kids, which is a reasonable request. And I carried along. Unfortunately, Its been a nightmare cause I am coming back from work early almost every single day. I get a call from home from kids as they are left without been fed. ILS are in their room watching videos and they turn on the tv for the kids. I know their travel is almost to a tail end and my nanny about to return. Can't wait for my life to return back to normal.

parvathi1980 · Dec 5, 2018

Desimommy said: ↑

A) DH drives the schedules of the kitchen. To give you an example, If I will soak rajma in the morning, by the time I come home - daliya or saag will be cooked. (Saag and dailya- my kids will not eat). When I ask, DH will say I asked mom to cook that and asked her to leave rajma for weekend cause you cook rajma better. I have spoken to him about stop being the mediator. But he believes its better that way to keep things moving; and keep both balance between the MIL and me.
B) I am now used to it; don't feel happy but don't feel sad either. Just go with that thought- if that makes MIL happy; so be it.
C) Honestly I have changed my schedule. With so much stress; I don't get any sleep anymore. I am up anyhow now so it feels like since I am up anyways; might as well make them BF around weekends.
D) Not sure how to impose rules. Saying it is easy but doing it is tough. Happy to hear your thoughts around this?
E). I guess I may need help. I am cornering myself. I don't feel happy anymore. I believe talking or venting to friends will make them judge me as we all meet and see each other. That's why I came to this forum. Thinking getting perspective would help and also help me gather my thoughts if I am wrong or not.
F) Like I said, I try not to let grand kids impression change cause of me or my thoughts. However I also feel I can be me only in front of my kids. Sometimes when I lay down next to my kids; yes my eyes get watery and I weep. But I don't share - why.
G) I broke my rib recently (they were with my SIL at that time). DH didn't share about this with them. When I asked why he has not shared with them cause they will be here and should know about it; he said "I didn't know if you wanted them to know". He probably shared with my MIL later. I was surprised how casually my MIL asked. She said, DH said something happened and now you are okay. Are you okay? obviously my response was "yes, i am ok. After hearing this, I felt I need not expect anything from them. Even a child would have empathized or called to check on me. When we go out socially; people ask in a much more caring way in front of them. So I am not sure if you think this is a child like behavior. I feel alone in this and feels like talking about it even with my DH will make me call for attention. Am I wrong in expecting to be cared for?
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I once slipped on the staircase in my in laws house. The lady laughed in front of me and thoroughly enjoyed my fall. Her precious son also slipped on the same staircase but that was no laughing matter. All mils are designed to hate their dils

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