Seeking Advise

1. I am one of those who gladly give kitchen to MIL or who ever wants to take over. I feel it is a boon to get break from kitchen and have the food ready to me to eat. I use the free time to catch up with children, on reading , watching tv etc which otherwise I won't get time.

this 5 day mil and 2 day dil will work great for me.

also i don't have the kitchen queen syndrome nor I feel I am deprived of anything if I don't enter kitchen. so it is a mind set , if you feel strongly about kitchen you may get upset.

don't interfere on weekdays and cook what you want on weekends. if your kids ask specifically on weekdays , says kids asked and cook in the evening. don't interfere with the flow like soaking rajma in the morning etc.

2. touching feet: if you want stop , stop slowly not abruptly. how many times you touch the feet in a day ,reduce the number slowly in the day and then in the week.

3. don't leave your bedroom, with your actions you are unwantedly showing your displeasure to your kids and not sure what your husband thinks of this , this may result in tit for tats when your parents come.

4. I guess the major issue is GC. this is where you need to decide to what extent you want to fight, can you leave husband if he says no. if you cannot take drastic steps then no point indulging in fights knowing all along, you will give in to your husband at the end with unpleasantness . instead of fighting you can show interest and then negotiate slowly. also once people are staying together all he time, the special attention which your husband accords to PILs will reduce. There is lot of cost associated with getting your ILs GC, medical , indian investments , tax implications for ILs etc, your husband may not have thought about it. this is one area you can bring in some practical insights, use FBAR filings as a chance to review these. But since you are a two income familiy, it may not be a deal breaker but people will think about costs.

try to view them as family and not see them as intruding your home, things will be much bearable.

 

Where you doing it every day??

 

Bringing your in-laws here has to be a joint decision. Your husband cannot just inform you and do what he likes. This is also a major step. Can you comfortably afford to support them here and can your current home house everyone adequately for the long term?
What about your parents? Do you have siblings in India or elsewhere who can help take care of them or will they rely on you? You should have a plan for that too.
This is probably off topic but how do you all convince your parents to stay here for a long visit? Mine start climbing the walls after 2 weeks and are always happy to get back to their familiar routines back home.

 

Oops that smiley is a typo.

 

They should also see her as family.

 

we can control our behaviour and thoughts not thoughts of others plus it will bring peace to own self

 

Getting abused daily will not bring peace

 

Does your husband and his siblings touch their parents feet every day??

 

Op...you are a push over.
You should be an equal partner in the house. Your husband is not a prefect telling you what to do and what not to do.Nor are your in laws your bosses to decide when you can do what .


You need to talk about your issues whenin laws are not aroundso you can discuss openly. Find a time when kids are not around.

Tell him clearly you are sick and tired of the forced feet touching and will not do it as you lost the will to touch feet when you were forced to do it at 9 month pregnancy.Tell him you will do it once they arrive and once when they are leaving .

If he wants no drama ,he should explain to his parents that it is not necessary .period.
No more arguments.

You tell him now you are fine with her cooking on weekdays but that does not mean you have no right to your kitchen on those days. Tell him not to make you feel like an outsider.

Don't leave your bedroom . That is not healthy .

Regarding this.....I feel like I have become a roommate then a wife in the house. When I brought this to him and he asked me to take a decision and stay happy whateverpath I choose.

Ask him to elaborate. Ask him what exactly does he mean by that. What does he want you to do for your happiness ?What desicion does he want you to take?

Look him in the eye and ask him what he means by that .Is he asking you to accept the roommate like situation or quit ?

Don't let him get away with this ******** talk.
When he knows he can't just get away by saying nonsense,he will think ten times before giving ******** as a solution.

Let him know you are not okay with his behavior.

 

I can understand, how the poster feels.

One of our friend's bro and his wife visted after their retirment and stayed with them for six months, here. The co-sis was so dominating in the kitchen, even in day to day of their life and the friend's wife went to India to visit her family for 3-months. Her younger girl was in HS and elder one was in college at that time.