Seeking Advise

Thank you for your wise thoughts.
Yes, I am quite independent; and try to stay involved in volunteering. Its a long story- but I have changed the course of my life around my hobby; which is what I have started pursuing. It keeps me so busy that I don't get time to think about these items. But when I come home, it comes back and dawn me. I feel like I am coming out of closet on this topic. But yes this is my weakness and dread it the most.

A) My kids are not comfortable as much around my MIL. MIL never takes the initiative to bond. The max I have seen her do is 1) cook them halwa for them which they don't like or b) take a pic with them. My kids want someone to play with. As a baby they never felt the bond. I have tried it several times. When they leave and go back to India; they would never call or message them. The only conversation that happens between them and her/FIL is how are tyou and how's the weather. I feel it is a two way road. I would like them to have a good relationship with my kids but can't force this upon both. I may sound too negative at this point but I have stopped trying after a lot of trials and I was the only one that became evil. So I have given up being the mediator. Cause in the end I am the DIL/who doesn't care.

B) MIL says she can only make daal and sabzi. She tried making pasta but added indian masala. When I cant eat that, how can I force my child to eat? On a regular week day- my kids do eat Grand ma ka khana and whenever they eat; I make it a point they thank and appreciate her cooking. But I do feel that they are kids and somedays they deserve to skip daal/sabzi; eat maggi/ idli or Mexican.

C) My DD is very sensible and sensitive at the same time. She is usually respects elders and is softspoken. May be cause I am her mom, I may have a biased opinion; but I am very proud of her. She is 9 years now; and recently came up and told me of how her grand ma compares her to my SIL's daughter everytime. (My SIL daughter is the same age as my DD; and it becomes natural to draw comparisons.) And while I refrain sharing anything with her; she has recently come up and told me how she prefers nani ma than dadi ma. And ma, I know sometimes you are sad as daddy don't spend much time with you when Dadu dadi are around. It pricks my heart! She is growing and can comprehend all the stuff around her. I have tried to change topics, asked her to treat both Nani/Dadi as same level and have said its a temp thin - your dad is a son and how he's trying to make them comfortable. But also feel that she may buy into these things now but wouldn't for long. Like you said, I don't want adults complex situations come in the way to bond between grand parents.

 

This is something DH will never consider. I have brought it up in the past; and his parents are orthodox with this approach. They will say we are better of in india with our relatives than you. My FIL also doesn't drive; and the city we live in doesn't have great public transportation; which will make him isolated to the apartment. Hence he will never have a courage to even bring this up.

 

Oh boy! It is good to know. I almost cried seeing this. Probably I am high on hormones today; but I felt like I am been the bad DIL even thinking of not doing it. But I can't ever forget the pain of doing it when I was 9 month pregnant and not even once she said to not do it.

 

Good thoughts. But I think it will take a major mind shift. I can give it a try. I think personally I have become so negative around this whole idea that I always feel like I am the victim. I have been trying to avoid. You know what- my heart races when I step into the kitchen as if I am doing a crime of some sort! I don't speak much around them.I avoid the talk. I just respond to what is been asked for. As I mentioned; I have done all of that and got bitten in the past. I take the route of spending as much time at work as possible. Go home extremely tired, try to keep weekends as busy as possible. Guess I am trying to avoid confronting this whole situation. Jeez- reading your comments and writing this down, makes me realize there is something wrong with me. Do you think I need help?

 

A) DH drives the schedules of the kitchen. To give you an example, If I will soak rajma in the morning, by the time I come home - daliya or saag will be cooked. (Saag and dailya- my kids will not eat). When I ask, DH will say I asked mom to cook that and asked her to leave rajma for weekend cause you cook rajma better. I have spoken to him about stop being the mediator. But he believes its better that way to keep things moving; and keep both balance between the MIL and me.
B) I am now used to it; don't feel happy but don't feel sad either. Just go with that thought- if that makes MIL happy; so be it.
C) Honestly I have changed my schedule. With so much stress; I don't get any sleep anymore. I am up anyhow now so it feels like since I am up anyways; might as well make them BF around weekends.
D) Not sure how to impose rules. Saying it is easy but doing it is tough. Happy to hear your thoughts around this?
E). I guess I may need help. I am cornering myself. I don't feel happy anymore. I believe talking or venting to friends will make them judge me as we all meet and see each other. That's why I came to this forum. Thinking getting perspective would help and also help me gather my thoughts if I am wrong or not.
F) Like I said, I try not to let grand kids impression change cause of me or my thoughts. However I also feel I can be me only in front of my kids. Sometimes when I lay down next to my kids; yes my eyes get watery and I weep. But I don't share - why.
G) I broke my rib recently (they were with my SIL at that time). DH didn't share about this with them. When I asked why he has not shared with them cause they will be here and should know about it; he said "I didn't know if you wanted them to know". He probably shared with my MIL later. I was surprised how casually my MIL asked. She said, DH said something happened and now you are okay. Are you okay? obviously my response was "yes, i am ok. After hearing this, I felt I need not expect anything from them. Even a child would have empathized or called to check on me. When we go out socially; people ask in a much more caring way in front of them. So I am not sure if you think this is a child like behavior. I feel alone in this and feels like talking about it even with my DH will make me call for attention. Am I wrong in expecting to be cared for?