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Seeking advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by venkiis, Nov 21, 2015.

  1. venkiis

    venkiis Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi

    I am a married man with 2 kids. My marriage life was not good from beginning . We were living in USA. We returned to India this year of 2015. We had issues but we never separated for our children. I am not here to blame on my wife, she had issues and i too had issues .

    But after returning back, my wife became very depressed and started figting too much. I could not understand anything. I assumed it the same old pattern of fighting she had before in usa.

    Soon she found a friend during one of her job interviews she added him to facebook. I never really bother on my wife social activity. I also feel it is not good to too. However then she added him to her whatsapp account and once i found he shared his photo to her. I was very angry and i shouted that it is fine to be friend and chat but sharing individual photo i do not like.The main reason i told for fight, that they both are in facebook friends , if he or she has to see new photo. update them in facebook., After some days she also shared her photo to him and i caught her. It was a decent photo. this time i became really mad and i confronted him too.

    After this day, the boy was not comfortable in talking to her. Slowly my wife started getting depressed again. One day she shared a secret that she had a emotional affair with her collegue in usa during her work in 2014. Now she is back and they both decided not to contact, she is very depressed and is missing that emotional support.

    soon she has started chatting online with random people and also during really sexual chat. When i confronted her she is shouting on me for intervering her personal life. Today she chatted with some man in Blore and she made him as his friend. I saw the chat it was really personal and looks like that person wants to have a affair. (I have a firewall in home network for kids , hence i could see everything)


    Now i cannot sleep at all, this is affecting me a lot . I get thoughts of doing bad things

    1. drinking in house
    2. leaving the house
    3. try hard to have affair

    Sorry my above points looks silly but i am very angry and depressed. My wife tells she is doing this to solve her depression.But she will never meet him. But in chat i saw she shared her office name with him and lied to me.

    I will see a personal counsellor for me to ask further. However i do seek a advice.
     
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  2. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hope this is not a weekend post.

    The most important thing is to discuss with your wife in a gentle manner rather than shouting and if possible find a psychologist for counselling.

    Seems quite a different post here, since in your previous post you had written about her insulting you and here in this post she is depressed, does not fit any characterization unless she is having bipolar disorder which I don't think she has.

    Other ILs might give more suggestions and I am done here as I have no more suggestions apart from counselling.
     
    sindmani and catwalk like this.
  3. venkiis

    venkiis Bronze IL'ite

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    You are right , in my previous post it was about her insulting me. I never post immidietly . I also posted that question as that was a habit she is doing all the time, inspite of me reminding her not to do. I have a serious anger problem when she used to do that habit a lot of times, i will also loose control and say if she is interested in that person in hurting manner. after we came back to india, she threathed she will really be with such a person if i speak something like that.


    Regarding your comment 2 , i realized after some days that she was getting too emotional and depressed about this whatsapp friend . She was crying in front of me that he is ignoring (shamelessly) this happened a month back. that day i decided she is going through someting. i also changed my behaviour and tolerated this comments and tried gently telling her to get some hobbies or divertion like meditation. she is not accepting that. It seems she went for personal counselling when i was at work in india and she says it does not help. I am trying to be as patient with her as possible. But now i notice this is spoiling my life ( work, too much stress). It was ok till we were fighting atleast we never cheated.

    I feel now this is open cheating As i notice that this habit will only lead to issues. it will be like an addiction. when i did ask her to stop she complains how different this is from watching ****. I cannot justify myself on that but i am not connecting to real human at that.

    sorry it is not a weekend post, since i do not think i can be so creative on a friday night at 5:00 blore where i could not sleep.

    as per making myself do better about this
    first thing It is not easy for man to flirt and get a girl, reverse is easy. People are smart , if it were that easy i can also start some fling and take some stupid revenge.







     
  4. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Well since it is not a week end post, I do suggest that you both go to counselling together. Whether she had gone alone is not the case, try it together.

    I can't really tell you from what you have written, the real problem with you people, but be patient and discuss the issues with your wife. There are kids in this scenario, that is what is the most important worrying factor is.

    Maybe she is depressed etc or not is the concern, the fact remains the same both need to go to a psychologist for counselling. If indeed she is having depression then a medical professional can help her.

    Hope you solve your problem and take care of your kids.
     
  5. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    if she is depressed seek medical attention. Attend counselling together, even if she has no faith in it, Give it time. Change your attitude and for heaven's sake don't do anything stupid that could derail this more if you intend on giving this marriage another chance. Involve elders ( dont have to give all details about her internet activity - that will push the elders in another direction which you may not be happy about) . Go for counselling together
     
  6. twinklingstar

    twinklingstar Gold IL'ite

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    i also feel that u guys should go together for counselling and try for re bonding yourself.
    it is sad that she has gone to this extreme to get emotional stuff. i really feel that in any relation loves plays very important role. everything in this world needs love (plants animals...all living beings) try to give her pure love and emotional support as u can.
    when it took so many year to damage this relation it will take few more to repair it.
    so keep hopes and give ur best. and spend quality time with ur children and her and try not bringing those pasts stuff.
    might be she will realise and will get satisfied with emotional care and will return..
    lets wait and c what others have to say. i feel she is disturbed because of ur anger problem which u said u had in past. ..
    anyways i wish u both get back soon with each other
     
  7. sun01

    sun01 Bronze IL'ite

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    please go for counselling together if not possible, you alone go for it. Don't wait until your depression goes out of control.

    Don't do any of these until you take professional counselling. All are equally harmful to yourself first and then to kinds.
    1. drinking in house
    2. leaving the house
    3. try hard to have affair
     
  8. venkiis

    venkiis Bronze IL'ite

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    i involved her mom, explained almost everything. She is useless, she does not want to get involved. As my wife has severe anger issues, she will fight like help if anyone advices her and that advise is not what is expecting. even though the advise may be correct

    My brother and mom are in blore, i cannot involve them as my brother will be fine. my mom will make another which will make the situation more bad. I am kinda on my own. I though a lot before posting so much details, now i just could take it anymore.

     
  9. venkiis

    venkiis Bronze IL'ite

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    you are right . i have anger , but anger does not come just like that. as if i entered the house and saw her and broke her nose. No i am not that kinda of guy. I.e what i mentioned in the post , that i was not trying to explain my wife issues also. i just wanted to know the current resolution. since my wife also has severe anger and anxiety issues and lot ( i can just keep writing). not me her mom feels the same about her, just scared to confront

    Yes , i wil be booking a professional pyschiatrist in Blore in this week, before it gets out of hands. Since now i feel i am stooping too low for her to be part of family. Either i will leave or apply for seperation, i know the laws now a days favor the women

    10 years have taught a lot. Just because a women cries does not mean she is good and soft and JUST because a man gets angry does not also mean he is having anger issues. Unfortunately media and people have projected the feminine side as the good one.


     
  10. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    I hope that you don't go for separation, I am thinking about your kids whose lives are stake here. I am here not to tell who is at fault among you both, you can decide at that. All I am thinking is you both are affecting the kids life, their psychological and emotional lives as well. I am not sure how old they are and how they are cared for, but I do feel for them. So curtail all your anger and emotions, for their sake even if not for your wife sake..

    It's good that you are seeking help, be patient now...
     

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