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Seeking A Closure ...

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by girvani, Jan 15, 2022.

  1. girvani

    girvani Platinum IL'ite

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    It has been a long time since I logged in this forum. I feel that I had been away from my soul for a while. I was holding myself just fine with COVID, working while supervise online schooling for kids and making sure all our emotional and mental health were looked after. I even felt proud of myself that I am handling myself well and felt like a superwoman.

    I did lose all at once when I heard I lost my father due to COVID. I could not accept the fact that neither I could not go and see him to say final good bye nor we could not perform any final rites as we were supposed to. I was dealing with loss/betrayal/grieve all at once. I felt continuous shuddering like , when a stone is dropped into a pond, the water continues quivering even after the stone has sunk to the bottom. I was seeking a closure which was denied.

    Life carried on and superficially I appeared OK but I knew that a part of my soul is gone with my dad. I wanted to show and tell so many stories by holding his hands to him and I will never have that opportunity. I was waiting for a moment I can go home and comfort my mother and be with her. These precious moments were snatched from millions of people due to this pandemic and once it hits you then you certainly understand the magnanimity of that effect.

    Finally, in December I did take the risk and we all went to Sri Lanka to see my mom. The stress caused by fear of not contracting PCR before travel, fear of any possible imminent change of travel rules which may affect our return and stress of keeping our selves healthy during the visit were beyond explanation. It taught me, I need to deal with this with one thought at a time. With God’s grace travel went well and the moment I saw my mom was so precious. I treasured each moment with her. Seeing her grandkids made my mom so happy. I am ever so grateful my boys brave the hardships during the travel with their gorgeous smiley face.

    I am grateful and I have grown in so many ways in the recent past to some extent which makes me content. I understand the uncertainty of this life to the great extent. Lessons learnt from the refugee camp at the age of 16 taught me how to be resilient and physically strong but I needed this experience to break my emotional barrier to face uncertainty.

    I feel like I have the responsibility convey my loved ones in this forum about the reasons of my sudden disappearance and I would like to finish this by Eckhart Tolle’s quote.

    “If uncertainty is unacceptable to you, it turns into fear. If it is perfectly acceptable, it turns into increased aliveness, alertness, and creativity.”
     
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  2. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    My deepest condolences . It must have been so hard for you, this is the nightmare that those of us away from our parents are dreading. Glad you have managed to visit your mother and grieve with her. Hope things get better and you can move on.

    This pandemic has taught me if anything matters in life , it is the people around us, our loved ones. It is when we lose something precious, that we realise how blessed we had been and become so grateful for what we are left with .

    Eckhart Tolle’s quote is so true. Thanks for sharing.
     
    girvani likes this.
  3. Caide

    Caide IL Hall of Fame

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    Glad you are holding on fine.i lost my father during COVID pandemic (it was heart attack). So I can relate to your pain . I was not with him when his soul left him.

    What i experienced is different from yours but the pain of losing our father is really heart breaking.

    Be strong . They wouldn't want us to cry .

    Wherever they are ,their present is in us, with us
     
    girvani, indubalram and radv like this.
  4. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Vani,

    Tears started rolling down my eyes reading this
    update from you. You are such a dear friend to me in this forum. I wish I could just hug you. It's so hard to be in a situation you have mentioned. My deepest condolences to you and family and take care of your mom.
    I was missing you here but take your time.
     
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  5. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @girvani my deepest sympathies on your loss. Losing a loved one is so hard, but being unable to attend the funeral and say goodbye makes it gut-wrenching. Hugs to you.

    Thank you for sharing your experience and the lessons learned. I admire your strength and resilience.
    .
     
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  6. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Really sorry to hear about your father Vani. My deepest condolences to your family. I am glad you were able to spend time with your mother. In times like these all we can do is gather these moments and hold them close. They might be all we ever get. It’s nice to see you back on the forum, though I wish it were under better circumstances. Take care and do stick around.
     
    girvani likes this.
  7. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry for your loss!
     
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  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I am so sorry for your loss under such difficult circumstances. I hope in time you will remember the joy more than the sadness.
     
    girvani likes this.
  9. Srama

    Srama IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh my! Dear Vani, so so sorry to hear about your loss. Please accept my heartfelt condolences. Glad you could make trip home with your kids for your mom - it is priceless. I donot know what to say or how to console, but my friend, glad you thought of us and shared your sorrow with us here. While we cannot take away your pain, I promise you have a shoulder to lean on. This pandemic has been not easy any one. Hang in there my friend. Please don't disappear and would love to see you more often. Take care of yourself. Hugs to you.
     
    girvani likes this.
  10. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    My Dearest Vani,

    I was deeply pained to hear about your loss and what you had been through. It is a little bit of a relief to learn that you were able to go to Sri Lanka with your family and meet your mother. When I read your snippet, tears rolled down my eyes. Nothing can separate the love you have for your father and his memories will linger in your mind forever and no one can take this away from you. Your father is blessing you and your family from where he is now. Swami said, "we are all born in love, sustained in love and eventually merges in love". Actually, I am very proud how you handled this situation and you have every right to be proud of yourself. Take good care of yourself and the family. God bless you.
     
    girvani likes this.

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