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Second Chance

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by catchaparna, Apr 21, 2016.

  1. catchaparna

    catchaparna New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    So, we are married for 4 1/2 yrs now. Last year I had to live at my parents (in India) because of misunderstandings and "not meeting his expectations" , he even filed for a divorce and after 9 months took it back and we are together with our 2 yr old for about 6 months.

    He as now started demanding -

    1. a clean house (its a typical toddler home) 2. taking care of our kid (refuses to send her to daycare since he says lack of funds (he works I do not) 3. pressurizes me to go back to work (dont get me wrong, i personally want to start working again but do not find time to prepare myself, apply jobs (i have been applying squeezing in time with much difficulty))
    4. make him variety of meals (i cook everyday once in the morning so we can have it for lunch and dinner)

    My problem is - he very well knows i have a certification exam coming up, (if i pass it will boost my resume) , kid is under my care 24x7 its not that i abandoned her, and that i need to study for my exam. He just woke up at 1 am and found me studying and is furious that i am sleeping whenever i want and keeping the house like this.he started arguing fighting , coming and leaning over my laptop to see what i was doing / studying. He micro manages everything, he needs to know my every move, I am in tears. Stopped studying and just dont know what to do except be strong.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2016
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  2. whitedaisy

    whitedaisy Bronze IL'ite

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    Is he Clean freak guy? or just asking you to clean the house to irritate you? how does he keeps his things, like cloths, car, office bag?
    Try to understand whether he is trying to disturb your studies or it is his personality.
    Then may be IL can suggest in better.
     
    sindmani and sanidhya like this.
  3. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, I had to go back to your earlier posts to get an idea. Do you really call this a second chance? He has not changed at all and wants you to bend to his wishes. He is a monster and punishing you for all his whims and fancies.

    You mentioned you have a green card. Look for work from home jobs. They are fairly easy to get and you can easily make atleast 1500$ -2000$ /month for the time being until you get a better job. Ask your parents help financially so you can move out for the time being. ( About 6k-7k). Look for apartments and move out with your daughter. He is not a good husband nor a good father so why are hanging on to this marriage.

    This is not a second chance but return to drudgery. He may be scared of society or was badmouthed .On the other hand maybe wanted to avoid paying alimony and child support. Calling you back is all an eyewash with him having same attitude as before . To avoid high expenses of day care see if your parents can come for a while. I think you are better off thinking of you and your daughter as a unit rather than with your hubby. Don't break your back trying to please your hubby. He cant be pleased period. Continue doing what you do. Its not easy looking after a 2 yr old . Good Luck and take care.
     
  4. catchaparna

    catchaparna New IL'ite

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    I dont know if he is a clean freak or what but expects everything to be in place. Having said that, he has his clothes and stuff all over the house and expects me to clean them up "as a wife". So no matter what the topic is, all he has to say is " what are you sitting at home for , its your job!".
     
  5. catchaparna

    catchaparna New IL'ite

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    Thank you for taking the effort to go back all the way to my previous posts. Its just because of my 2 yr old thatIam sucking it all in. But looks like nothing is working. He has a problem if I stay calm and do my business without further arguing and he also has a problem if I say no or explain why not ( to anything in general). The more I look into it , the more I feel he is deliberatly being pokey.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I did not read your previous thread. Sorry about that.
    But looking at what you have written here, I see a lot of problems within yourself, which can be changed. If you are expecting to stay in this marriage, and hoping for the best, you must change. Because you can't expect the other person to change, but you can change yourself to complement the other. After all, marriage is complementing each other.
    No one is perfect, and we can't expect a perfect marriage either.

    Having a 2 year old toddler is not an excuse to keep your house clean, cook at least 2 meals per day and take some times for the exam/interview preparations.
    You just need to plan this out. Unless your kid is physically/psychologically challenged, I don't thin a 2 year old needs her mommy's close attention 24/7.
    I know kid's sleep, and 2 year old usually sleep in the noon as well.
    They also play, watch cartoons etc... During such times, they are somewhat engaged with something else.
    Take this time to cook or clean.
    You can do that while looking after the kid too. She might play in the Kitchen or nearby room while you are busy in cooking. Just keep your eye on her.
    Play some kid's rhymes on your tab, so she will be busy with that. Do the cleaning and drag her whenever you go. After all, you are doing the chores inside the house.

    2 yr old's house will be definitely messy. But it doesn't mean it will stay always messy. You can clean at least once at the end of the day.
    It gives a refreshing mood to both yourself and H.

    You can ask your H to do the kiddo's job after he comes back from work. Take this time for your dinner preparation. So, some hot dinner is ready for both of you. It changes the mood too.

    2 yr old kid generally sleeps early. So, you can prepare for the exams at nights (perhaps after dinner).

    It is all about planning.

    But I don't support your husband's stalking habbit and other domination. But you can definitely bring some changes by being a change provided you want to work out this marriage.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  7. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, looks like he provokes you on purpose. I seriously felt that what I drink and eat or when I sleep, is my choice. E.g. If I am staying up to finish some interesting book, then I should be able to. I believe it firmly, just like having my own account, cell phone, laptop, library card..

    But at times I did feel that people who are controlling try to even control the above. They do "micromanage", yes they try to micromanage. And not out love, but with a need to control. E.g they might say "come to bed" not because they miss you or they are worried your health, but because they think they can tell you when to be in bed.
    It has happened to me, my husband was upset when at one time in marriage I used to get early on weekends, do some walking and get grocery from farmers market by 9am, even after I had made poha for him. One day he got upset because I was not getting up "early enough".

    From your message, your husband is controlling. He might have changed 20% since you last left his house. I do not think, he respects you at all and is unkind. Like other person said, he might have taken his divorce filing back only because of his own reasons, he had to save his face.

    He wants you to work, because he likes the money that comes with it. Anyways, he has your control, and you are doing all the house, why will he miss the added perk of second income that will go in his account?

    You have to take back the control of your life in your hands, but overtime. First realize, that the job he wants for you, will prove your savior, in long run. Slowly and steadily, work towards a stable job, take as much time you need 1 yr or many yrs. Get your certification, and other preparation. Use the planning tips from SGVB. You make sure, you have bank account in only your name- this will be very hard, tread carefully. Once you have the job, all the money goes in this account. You can use a recurring transfer to the joint account.

    Try to take control of sleeping time, if you stay up or get up early. I do not know, how you will do this, but do it. One day, clean the house, keep the dinner ready, get the kid to bed or at least happy with some toys and you be seen as "chilling with tea/soda and reading some fiction book". Talk to minimal, yes no while reading.
    The above scenario is a passive aggressive way to take back your control.

    In short, be like the rebellious teenager, without using too many words and openly fighting. Start journaling everyday! Good luck!
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  8. Gladimeir15

    Gladimeir15 Junior IL'ite

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    I think he is not considering you as a wife at all maybe a personal servant of him.. Regarding of finding a job, I guess you have to pursue it whatever it may cost in order for you not to be dependent on him. If you have your own earnings and you can stand on your own and capable of raising your child on your own, consider the idea of divorce..
     

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