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Seasrch for beauty - Quite Funny!!!!

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Reenae, Nov 21, 2007.

  1. Reenae

    Reenae Bronze IL'ite

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    <SMALL>ARRANGED MARRIAGE: THE SEARCH FOR BEAUTY

    ( A collection of tips to find a beautiful wife)

    If you are a typical, single, Indian man who lives in the USA, the
    time will come when it will dawn on you that the only chance you have
    to indulge in wedded bliss lies in the hallowed institution of the
    "Arranged Marriage". You probably left India when you were twenty-one,
    having squandered your adolescence striving to get here. At this
    point, you are twenty-five or older, and have been out of touch with
    the general Indian female population for more than a decade. All the
    women you know back home are married. This manual is written for those
    of you who harbor hopes of acquiring a beautiful arranged bride.

    If you belong to the rarified set of intellectuals to whom the
    external female form holds no charms, and those who evaluate others
    according to the quality of their inner selves, this manual is not for
    you. Before you stop reading, please accept my heartiest
    congratulations on your self control and ideological correctness. I
    am not worthy of even addressing you (kneel! kneel!).

    No, this manual is for the rest of you, mere mortals, who still have
    enough red blood in their veins so that you can admit, even to
    yourselves, that you rather like the idea of having a beautiful wife.

    Of course, before I even go about describing how to acquire beauty, it
    is necessary to define it. And this is where I expect the most
    disagreement. There will be those among you who proclaim, "But beauty
    is in the eye of the beholder!" And you would be partly right.

    If you are a man who equates beauty to facial attractiveness, there is
    not much that this manual can do for you. You are a very fortunate
    man, for Indian women have the most beautiful faces of any race in the
    world. You have a very large pool to choose from, and you do not need
    much help in choosing, because you can look at each prospective
    bride's face and decide whether she is beautiful or not.

    No, this is written for those who would like their wife to have a good
    figure too. For you, the job is harder. Typically, Indian women do not
    get much physical exercise, and consequently, if they are not scrawny,
    tend to be on the overweight side. Why do you think sarees are so
    popular in India? Because they can hide all the embarrassing bulk!
    Some men think that Indian women do not have shapely legs by reasons
    of genetics. I say to them, check out the figures of the IA (ABCD to
    you politically incorrect guys) women. They are on par with anything
    I have seen on any other race. This is because IA women work out and
    take care to keep themselves in shape. You cannot go covering yourself
    up around here, not if you want to get dates.

    If you are one of those academic types who have not given much thought
    to the matter, or merely one of those blighters who like to ask
    intelligent questions to which you already know the answers, and ask
    me, "But why does one NEED a beautiful wife?" I would reply that
    beauty is a double edged sword. It has its advantages and
    disadvantages, some of which I summarize below.

    Advantages of having a beautiful wife.
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    a) A beautiful girl is much easier to adjust to than an
    unattractive one. You will be much more tolerant of her faults during
    the initial "adjustment" phase of marriage, simply because you will
    not have the heart to get irritated with someone so lovely. She will
    be much easier to forgive after a fight.

    b) If you are the typical desi engineer, you will not be exactly
    Adonis Reborn. If your wife is homely too, your child will probably
    look like the Swamp Thing, or the Blob. If you love your unborn
    children, you owe it to them to give them a beautiful mother.

    c) A beautiful wife enhances your social stature. People will
    look at you and think, "How the ^&*% did that !@## land such a
    gorgeous babe? He must have something that is not visible on the
    outside!" You will get invited to more parties, especially by men who
    want to spend the evening drooling at her. Conversely, if your wife is
    homely, you will be rather embarrassed to take her to gatherings of
    your friends, especially if they are all married to knockouts.

    d) And most importantly, sex will be much better if your wife is
    good-looking. Otherwise, after a couple of years when the pent-up
    horniness of the past 25+ years has worn off, you probably will not be
    even able to get it up, unless you resort to ungentlemanly and
    undignified tactics, like fantasising about Sridevi when you are in
    bed.

    Disadvantages of having a beautiful wife.
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    a) If you are one of those for whom innocence, virtue, and chastity
    are important, beautiful women are not for you. My empirical research
    shows that, while beauty (or the lack of it) in a woman is in no way
    indicative of her intelligence, beautiful women are invariably very
    street-smart. They KNOW that they are good looking, and have got used
    to people bending over backwards to accommodate them. This dawns on
    them very early on in life, when they observe that teachers are much
    nicer to them than to their less-attractive friends, when almost all
    the men they encounter behave like brainless, testeterone-driven apes
    in their presense, when they observe that they get things done twice
    as quickly in a government office.

    As a teenager in college, a beautiful woman would have had lots of men
    vying with each other for her friendship and affections. She would
    have to be more than human not to have enjoyed the attention. She
    would have played the men one against the other, as women have done
    since time immemorial. She might have dated, and even had affairs. In
    the process, she would get to know men all too well, and would realize
    that they are but putty in the hands of a good-looking woman.

    b) A good-looking woman is more than a match for the average desi
    engineer. She will twist you around her little finger and make you
    jump through hoops. Things will get done her way nearly all the time.
    Of course, it will be fun to jump through hoops for someone as lovely
    as she is. A homely woman, on the other hand, will usually be so
    grateful to you for marrying her that she will treat you like a king.

    c) As I mentioned before, a beautiful woman is unlikely to be
    particularly virtuous or righteous. But that is okay, since too much
    virtue often goes hand-in-hand with rather undesirable traits. A
    virtuous woman may also be ugly, weird, boring, hyper-religious or
    frigid.

    d) A beautiful woman is more likely to "stray" after marriage
    too. This is the USA, and the fact that a woman is married does not
    make her off-limits to adventurers or would-be Casanovas. The more
    lovely a woman is, the more likely is she to be propositioned by her
    male colleagues or friends. Ergo, she is subject to much more
    temptation than her homely counterparts. Think about this... how
    would it be if women kept asking you, a man, to make love to them? How
    many times would you refuse?

    How to go about selecting a beautiful wife.
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    First of all, there is the matter of mentioning the fact to your
    parents. If your parents are anything like mine, they will freak out
    when they hear that their dear devoted son is actually interested in
    earthy things like beauty (and, by extrapolation, sex). It is not
    considered good form to say that beauty is important to you in Indian
    circles.

    Here is a very important tip... do not leave bride-hunting to your
    parents! Beauty is going to be the last of their priorities, coming
    after caste, horoscopes, family background, perceived virtue of the
    girl etc. Make it very clear to them that beauty is high on your list
    of priorities. State in no uncertain terms that you will not marry
    anyone who does not measure up to your standards. That will prevent
    them from goofing off during bride-hunting, shirking their
    responsibilities and palming off some family-friend's daughter on you.

    Another unpalatable fact is that your mother will not want you to
    marry someone too beautiful. This often comes as a surprise to most
    sons, but the reason is simple. Mothers know that, sooner or later,
    there will be a tussle between her and her daughter-in-law over her
    son's affections and loyalties. Since women are extremely conscious
    of their looks and tend to rate themselves accordingly, a beautiful
    woman has a psychological advantage over a less attractive one in an
    argument. Also, your mother knows that a beautiful wife will tilt the
    scales against her as far as you are concerned, since such a wife will
    probably have you dangling by the balls, if you pardon the expression.
    So, left to herself, your mother will limit her search to women who
    are less attractive than she perceives herself to be.

    Before you start on your bride-hunting, you should convince yourself
    that you deserve a beautiful wife. Do not ever think, "But I am not so
    good-looking anyway, what right have I to demand a lovely girl?"
    Since Man started walking the earth, it has been the man's wealth that
    has been traded off for the woman's beauty. Rest assured that your
    looks will be the last thing on a girl's mind when she rates you as a
    prospective husband. (I am limiting myself to arranged marriages
    here). She will be weighing your earning potential, green-card
    potential etc. Even in this land of feminism, "Cosmopolitan" has
    articles on "How to hook a rich husband" and "The ten best places to
    meet successful men".

    You have worked hard, and wasted ten of the most wonderful years of
    your life getting where you are. You deserve to get something out of
    it. Do not squander your bargaining position. In other words, do not
    be ashamed to make your preference for beauty known.

    How to check whether she is beautiful.
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    First of all, never consent to marry a girl whom you have seen only in
    photographs. PHOTOGRAPHS LIE!!!! Photography is an art that can make
    HKL Bhagat look like Zeenat Aman. All too often, photographs sent to
    prospective suitors contain only the face. Also, they usually have
    been so air-brushed and sanitized, all the pimples and other
    irregularities removed, that the end product has little in common with
    the original. Also, it is a certain fact that no woman will consent to
    send you photograph that presents herself in an unflattering light.

    These days, in the urban areas of India, it is often the practice to
    take an album-full of pictures of a girl when she gets to marriageable
    age. These pictures show the girl in various outfits, eastern and
    western. The album is then sent to prospective grooms-in-the-states.
    During my last visit to India, I learned from an authoritative source
    that many of these pictures are blatant forgeries, involving splicing
    the girl's head on to the figure of some other girl, sometimes
    professional models. In one case, pictures of a girl's good-looking
    sister were went out instead. Bottom line: do not make a decision
    based merely on photographs!

    Darshan.
    ^^^^^^^

    Once you see the girl directly, you can easily check whether her face
    measures up. The figure is a different matter altogether. Women have
    conducted more research into packaging themselves than have been
    conducted on the entire US space effort. You should realize that,
    while you were struggling in your engineering program in undergraduate
    on grad school, women were learning the techniques of camouflage. She
    KNOWS that it is her looks that count. By packaging herself so that
    she seems attractive to a non-resident Indian for about 10 minutes,
    she can earn all that it took the NRI 10 years of hard work to
    realize. Women are extremely honest with their friends about their
    positive and negative points. They are intensely aware of their flaws,
    and work systematically towards concealing them.

    So, if she seems to have a liking for loose, flowing sarees or
    salwar-kameez, keep your mind open to the possibility that she may be
    overweight. That fold of her saree draped oh-so-elegantly across her
    midriff might be concealing a paunch. It it is wound demurely around
    her back, she probably has spare tires. Does she walk slowly and
    sedately, like an old Spanish galleon making its way across the seas?
    She is probably holding her paunch in.

    So what do you do if she always appears in such clothes? You cannot
    very well demand that she change clothes... that would be outrageously
    bad form. AND SHE KNOWS THAT! One way to approach such a problem is
    the following. Tell her that she cannot wear a saree in the states,
    that it would be embarrassing for you. Tell her that if she is not
    willing to wear jeans, shorts and pants on a regular basis, you are
    probably not a good choice for her. Subtly hint that you would like to
    see her in western clothes. If she refuses flat-out, my friend, you
    can be sure that she is hiding something. If she has a good figure,
    she will make damned sure that you see it.

    A large percentage of women in India have huge hips and very heavy
    thighs. This is mainly due to lack of exercise. In a saree or
    churidar, it is impossible to check for these, which is why they are
    so popular. If a woman states that she does not wear pants, warning
    bells should ring in her mind. One way to check for obesity under a
    saree or salwar is to note the relative positions of her bosom and
    midriff. For a woman with a good figure, the bosom should be at a
    considerably higher level. If she dresses so that the bosom does not
    stand out, it is almost surely because she has a paunch that comes to
    the same level. Or she may be droopy, saggy or totally flat.

    Let me reiterate, if a girl has something to show, she will make
    damned sure that you will see it.

    One way to see how your prospective bride looks when she is not
    dressed up is to ask to see her family albums. NOT the ones that they
    keep out ostentatiously but the ones that they keep tucked away at the
    corner of the shelf. A lot of overweight women go through crash diets
    during the wedding season, starving themselves or going to
    professional "fat-farms" to lose dozens of pounds, to get into
    presentable shape for the darshan. I know of one woman who lost 60
    pounds in 8 months preparing for the wedding. She quickly gained it
    all back after the marriage. Pictures of the woman taken 2 or 3 years
    ago should tell you whether she is inclined to obesity.

    If, on the other hand, she is a thin woman who has padded herself up
    to look good on darshan day, there is no way on earth that you can
    tell. The best way to check for this sort of stuff is to enlist the
    help of a sympathetic, liberated, female, friend, sister or other
    relative. She can easily see through the disguise and give you
    unbiased estimates of the interior. So, if you have a sister, you had
    better start being nice to her.

    HAPPY HUNTING! ... UNITING!
    </SMALL>

    <SMALL>courtesy of Rajiv Punt's website</SMALL>
     
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