sad hearts/ possibly pregnant/ heavy burden/ WDYT???

mud · Sep 29, 2011

Warning long story, quite heavy although i have tried to lighten it>>>>

I am not indian but have come here to ask what you ladies think of my situation and what is best for us to do?

A few years ago i fell in love with an indian man. He is my first love, I share everything with him. I already have one child from my former reckless days of youth. He loves me greatly but lied all about telling his family about us. He asked me to marry him and I made sure to ask how his family felt about this, he said everything was fine. We had holidays and I fell pregnant. He said he told his parents everything and spun a story about how his mum cried on the phone and wanted us to move to india etc. I never spoke to them myself. We never moved to india although i did say if he wanted to I would.

We did move in together and after a few weeks he began to be very quiet and reserved, dark around the eyes almost like depressed. After some time of being patient, angry and sad I finally got the truth out of him. he never told his parents and said i would never understand why he can't. We decided although we loved each other I would go to my country and he could come visit whenever.

I got home and he called every night, he couldn't take it i had to come back to him by this time i was nearly full term in pregnancy so of course i wanted to be with him also. We came together again and he said he would visit home and he would tell his family face to face. Our baby is now over a year old and i am possibly pregnant with another. He has been home to visit his parents but could not tell them.
There is a black cloud in front of us I cannot see a future and yesterday he finally opened up even further as to why.... He trusted me with a life secret that he has held for the past seven years, obviously i cannot disclose this information... But to cut a long story short I am on the understanding that if he tells his parents about us and this life we have created together they will drink poison to their deaths....

I am extremely gutted I have told him that well what i can do is be sad, move home to my family and try to live a happy life with these kids and what you can do is go home to your family and try to live a happy life the one they approve of....???? is there really any other option?....

He is gutted and confused I really feel for him, i have spent the past year angry at him for not being honest from the beginning and now i finally understand why, but it doesn't make anything better. I did ask why??? when he knew all of this why did he still pursue me? i said he must've had sugar in his brain thinking everything would be sweet.

My poor darling I love him so much and he is heavily burdened from his past and this situation, how can i ease his burden? I have decided I will definitely leave him; for him and his family but he will still carry guilt with him? He will miss us, me, my child b4 him and the baby we made together?. Hopefully i am not pregnant again because thats extra for him worry about. How can I help him leave lightly so he is able to enjoy the rest of his life. I will definitely have to share whatever love and understanding i can before we seperate for good.
There is no way around the sadness that i can see but i have great faith and hope for light for both of us well more so for him.....
Please let me know what you think i cannot talk to anyone about this....

mud · Sep 29, 2011

need to get other points of view... I do feel stupid about this but....

bebe · Sep 29, 2011

Dear Mud

Most Indian men cannot go against their parents’ wishes and expectations and feel obliged to obey and make the parents happy. That´s how they have been brought up, and that is the way of life they have in their veins. They men feel burdened by the expectations, but mostly can´t find a way out, unless they are Alpha-males and know that their families will eventually come around. Or they are strong enough not to care about their families of origin. But those are only few.

With you having a baby out of wedlock and possibly another on the way, he must be feeling ashamed of the situation. (I am not saying that that is something to be ashamed of, just tell you how decent an Indian man must be feeling). It would have been one thing to bring up courage to tell his parents hat he has a non-Indian girlfriend he would like to spend the rest of his life with and marry, but it is something totally different to confess that he has a child with said woman out of wedlock. He will disappoint his family and make them ashamed in return. They will not be able to hold their heads high in the Indian society should this come out.

Unfortunately there is no real advice I can give you. If your BF can´t stand up for this relationship, how can one make him stand up? If you can live with his parents not knowing about you and their grandchildren, let it be a secret. In case he is been pressured to get married to an Indian girl, you should walk out now. Let him free, but make him aware that he has a responsibility not only for his parents but also for his children and for you. Get child-support from him. Sign an agreement or so. But make him pay for his children.

I am sorry, that I have no words for your heart, take care and next time better think about contraception before….
bebe

mud · Sep 29, 2011

Yea of course I think i explained above about letting him go, I don't need money lol but the thing is how can I make it so he can enjoy the rest of his life? He doesn't want to separate but there's no other way......

If it was as simple as standing up for his us etc that would be alot easier....
He is from a high caste in a very rural area, his family is very wealthy and highly respected etc... if they want someone dead they can have it done. That kind of world is scary to me but that's how it is. He has explained that this will 'dishonour' them. They are in the society where when this happens well you should know the rest???..... I had studied this a while back known as honour killings in the west.

Well, thing is since we are out of reach they will do themselves and who will hold his sisters hand over there?? she will be left alone so there goes three lives... I mean this sounds wacky to me but i fully understand and logically I say that's it I'm out. I love him with everything but the solution here is to cut it asap, my plan is christmas time I don't want to wait until our baby is old enough to miss him... I have told him and he knows I will be fine with these children and I would make them understand when they get older.
The burden is 1) something from his past of similar consequence + 2) being separated from us for life.

The option of us remaining together as a family I feel is an absolute no. The consequences of that on his family? well it's logical really. I mean i just found out every detail yesterday he has hidden so much from me and it's just come out over time, the darkest part just yesterday...
I'm glad to let this out somewhere farrrrrrout my poor baby has been holding so much, I have to help him??? I thought about doing something to make him so blindly angry that he will leave and hate me?? .... Well any feedback might be helpful???

ars · Sep 29, 2011

Why buy a cow when you are getting milk for free.
I think your Indian boy friend has taken you for a ride. Spineless guy is now telling a cock and bull story about honor killing, suicide etc. His family is not god they have to live by the law of the land. He has used you and now want out of all the responsibilities so he is weaving a Bollywood story to dump you.
You as a nut is ready to disappear into darkness so he can mess with some other innocent girl.
Come on lady what's wrong with you. Make your living together legal. So what if he does not tell his family.

SSC · Sep 29, 2011

Same thoughts as ars!! Dismiss all the crap that he says as bull****! He seems to have such noble intentions, that he gets to live in with a girl, gives her a couple of kids, and goes back to his home country as the nice Indian boy! I dont believe a bit of the story that he is spinning!!! I dont see any truth in there. And you are ready to have 2 kids with this fellow, and disappear into thin air?? Really??

ssdonkar · Sep 29, 2011

I echo with ARS & SSC ....I guess this BF of yours is simple fooling around with you.

regards

Aaditi

soulful · Sep 30, 2011

mud said: ↑

The burden is 1) something from his past of similar consequence
Click to expand...

lady - this statement should let loose alarm bells in your head if not howling wolves!! similar consequence? I am inclined to assume that he did this to another girl and dropped her like a hot potato when he found you! had fun and now the same old story of honour killing? - get the REAL truth out. He is taking you for a ride.

mud · Sep 30, 2011

really?? He doesn't actually want to leave i'm just making the decision but he's not keen.
The similar consequence is in short he had two older sisters but now there is only one left and they are not allowed to talk about it. I could see in his face that he wished he hadn't told the full story. I remember times where this must have been the story he tried to tell me but he'd stop and just say i wouldn't understand.
He'd talk about happy stories of his childhood accidently including another sister and then when I said 'but you only have one sister' (according to the pictures) he said there used to be another but well she died but he was little he can't remember and doesn't know how??? etc etc...
This whole time we've lived together i knew he had a dark secret but i thought it was the guilt of not telling his parents. After I left when I found out his family had no idea about us he called me back. He booked and paid our flights back?? He has money. He doesn't need me for comfortable living, if all he wanted was to get laid he could go out and get that for free any time girls just give it away these days. I may seem like one of them to you ladies but actually allowed myself to be with him because i believe he is the one I am meant to be with. I still do.

I had dreams before ever meeting him. I denied feelings for a year, I insulted and belittled him in front of a room full people before we got together. I knew he had eyes for me so i ate like a slob in front of him, shout like an ill-mannered beast i did everything I could to turn him off. After sometime i got ill and prayed for a way out. I have never felt strongly for anyone, my previous child came from a guy who preyed on me whilst i was half-minded. Well i actually say that baby was a gift from god because without her i would have stayed on my down path. I had always felt i would stay a virgin till marriage obviously if you end up having a psychotic break and get drunk to escape thats not gonna stick. But after i had her I waited for this man i had seen, and here he is. now what the heck is wrong with all of this? This is crazy? and why me?....
He did ask me to marry him and i have held him as my husband ever since but now all of this. Ever since he told me his parents don't know i won't wear the rings. I gave them back but he doesn't accept.
Do you think that I have gamed myself?? I am really thinking now... Maybe you are right, maybe every little intricate move he planned... haha but honestly he is not that bright... I love him but he is really quite dim. i don't believe he has the mind for such planning. His thinking is quite slow it's funny, I am the quick mind out of us. I correct him at every turn. The thing i have noticed is his intuition is remarkable. He is usually right by intuition not by logic.

The secret he told me is deeply disturbing and he looks like he is in serious pain for it... He's sorry he told me because he knows now i will try to help him resolve his feelings. He hasn't slept the past few nights but it's not the time for me to bring it up. He'll ignore when he can tell i'm about to ask more questions.
He is the type of guy who tries but i can see he can't fully enjoy things. He never likes to resolve things and i am the opposite. How can he take good from life when he is full with hurt and shame. He always said he's a bad guy and i have no idea how bad he was in his past. He has given examples of getting into fights, his father paying high commissioners to keep things under wrap etc. You say they have to abide by the law of the land but what if they have influence over the law. Another of his friends disclosed a similar story. His father is a politician and corrupt business man by corrupt i mean he stamps out the competition and not by what i would think are legal means. They are rural?? Can it really be so corrupted there?

I'm sorry that this is soo long and probably tiresome but i still thank you for reading and i am grateful just to release all of this... as he says i can't hold things in my tummy

ars · Sep 30, 2011

Mud
Ok. He has all this past history in his family. What is that you want? Why do you want to run when the going gets tuff. Isn't it all the more the reason to legalize your relationship so at least your boy friend can have a normal adult family life.