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Rude Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by nakshatra1, Sep 21, 2020.

  1. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Went through a tragic incident recently and Im deeply disturbed.

    MIL is her usual abusive self. atleast for few months, I dont want anything to do with MIL- want to forget about her issues. But I know I cant do that. Makes me feel wretched.

    When fate itself is cruel, why some human beings make it worse for others- their own family?
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2020
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  2. preeti6years

    preeti6years Bronze IL'ite

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    Been there. ILs were extremely rude and made nasty politics when dad passed away. My MIL was extremely rude to me infront of my relatives when they came for the 13th day rituals of my dad.
    I was so scared to reply back to her then since it was not even a year into my marriage.
    Forget about empathy. They dont even leave us alone. Especially under tragic circumstances too. They will expose their cruelty. Just keep all these aside and try to calm yourself now. Just avoid her and stay in your room doors closed for few days
     
    hermitcrab and nakshatra1 like this.
  3. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    "why some human beings make it worse for others- their own family?"
    Cannot answer that one. But sometimes they do.
    And when you are in a vulnerable moment, when you need a warm hug - getting abuse at the moment is so heartless.
    Another day, another moment you could probably have shrugged it off.
    But today, just hang in there. Take some deep breathes. This too shall pass.
    Just take care of your self, please.
     
    hermitcrab and nakshatra1 like this.
  4. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand your situation , those feelings, the anguish .. sorry you went through that- it is worst.

    I am living away from her. Before covid,, we used to visit her regularly, I just dont want calls from her - but she is relentless to talk and all she has to give is abuse. Everytime I gave her chance upon chance, but she cant stop being an abusive person. Cant just avoid her- why cant she let me be. I just dont want to talk to her- I just want some peace . How crazy society is, a person has no space, have to compulsory put up with abuse- cannot escape mentally for some weeks also to deal with anything else.
     
  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for your kind wishes.
    Ill try to remember we all go through this- somehow feel solidarity.
     
    SunPa likes this.
  6. netflx

    netflx Silver IL'ite

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    The actual real problem is your H, who is not standing up for you, if she is abusing you. These are the times he needs to have clear strong message to her.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2020
  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    No, he is understands me fully, and he always supports the right thing. My husband has seen what all insults and humiliation I have borne silently, and still been nice to my inlaws after each and every incident. So he understands my situation. It is I who has begged him many hundreds of times to not speak for me, because I saw what happened when he did.

    Initially in beginning of marriage , she used to insult me and my parents a lot, and always talk about dowry, want my parents to give house, told lies about me things I have not done . My husband ignored most of the "small" things , but when she crossed the line with me, he spoke up- especially against dowry. But if my husband open his mouth also to support me , whole family will turn against him, his sister and her husband will arrive immediately to do panchayat that he is speaking back to parents .Because his sisters have always been the biggest beneficiaries of all this. Then he will get call from his mom's brother to scold him for speaking back to parents, without even knowing head and tail of issue. His aunt is telling my husband "Your mother is asking dowry for your good only, why do you have a problem." My MIL is a relentless person.My husband has serious health issues, I dont want him to get in all this.

    Both MIL FIL have tortured him throughout life to vent their frustrations . Already he was the shyest child, dont know what more to control. Without any reason he will hit. Since he was a very small child, his father used to come home daily and beat him with belt, mother never saved him instead whenever she is frustrated, she will hit his head and put amrutanjan in his eyes . They have absolutely no remorse about it when he asked them once .Even after growing up they torture- for every little to little thing his mother starts beating herself and threatens to kill herself because son supported wife against parents(for dowry matter). He loves and always obeyed his parents a lot he did everything for them and sisters, not saved a penny till almost 30, completely going into more and more debt for sisters' demands , but it is only for me that he spoke up against dowry. They cannot handle that how dare their son speak up, the son who keeps quiet for everything so many years without asking a single question. So they cannot handle that he did love marriage and supporting his wife. My husband did everything for them and went into lots of debt. But what right they have to ask my parents to give house? They can take everything from their son, but why they are having rights over my parents? Just because Im their DIL? And at the same time, telling worst things about me and my parents.

    But due to the torture they do to him together, so Ive requested him and begged him many times that please do not ever speak on my behalf. My husband has serious health issues, and doctors have said it is mainly flaring due to stress. I want him away from all this. Because I know his pain- his parents/sisters dont care. Due to very toxic heavy medication he is taking, we cant have kids right now till the meds (we are in early thirties). But his mother instead of sympathising, she is even complaining all the time that he couldnt even give her grandkids nor dowry, what he did for them. After the grandkids remark, even he does not feel to talk to her. I want him away from all this- It is my issue I want to deal. I just want her to give me a break at this time, that's all. I just want some space .
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2020
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  8. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    How do you two put up with so much toxicity?

    It is one thing for a mil to be rude to dil, but parents exploiting their own child, and hurting them to this extent , emotionally blacking them, no way I can rationalise this.

    You have a good husband - he puts up with their nonsense on himself, but when you are the victim , he stands up for you . What a lovely couple you two are.

    I understand you want to protect him, but if the going gets a little too much, share with him. Marriage is not just about supporting your spouse, it is also about taking support when you need. Take care
     
    shravs3 likes this.
  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, it is excessively toxic, but I feel I am truly lucky to get him as life partner. So, he is giving me strength. Actually I feel guilty because sometimes I just cant control at all when it gets too much to handle, I do vent to him when I get extremely frustrated, but mostly I try to avoid.I dont want any fights due to me. I am trying my best to focus on our life, - just cannot live like this whole life lost in toxicity.
    I also find it difficult to understand such parents, only when I read about narcissistic personality , I understood somethings about narcissistic parents- that's what they seem like- everything matches . dont know .

    My husband's health issues worsened due to their constant harassment only. They always scold him all the time, even during his sickness. But they have not been involved in is treatment even 1 percent.My inlaws criticise him for his health issues- just cruel.

    For them, he is not a human being, who deserves some kind words or moral support in problems, just a atm. Even if they put him in debts, he was fine, but all he wanted was some kind words some concern, but that they cannot give. I am not interested in their property and never was, why they are harassing me for my parents' property.It is only my parents who care for us, no one else- I cant take it that they are being harassed because I did love marriage.


    They think I am the one who changed him .I love my husband more than my life- I dont need to prove to them- - I know myself. I have given up any hope they will change . She tortures her son for his health issues, and she says he has changed due to me. I am the one who always used to tell him that his mom is just behaving a s a typical MIL and its not a big deal forget it.Because I want him to be happy and stress free. I can live with what she thinks of me. But I just dont have the patience to hear her abuse, and not letting me have space.If some outsider, i avoid- how to deal with family, with whom we will spend our life?


    They didnt even want him to get married. On our reception day, she is scolding both of us, why you got married so soon?(He was 29), you should have got married at 35.Dont you care for parents? This girl did not get house also, nothing.
    It's called narcissistic parents. I also found very difficult to understand but now I am understanding slowly. Whatever they may be , narcissistic or not I don't know, but abusive. All I know I want to maintain our peace of mind.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2020
  10. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    "No, he understands me fully, and he always supports the right thing. My husband has seen what all insults and humiliation I have borne silently, and still been nice to my inlaws after each and every incident".
    Hs will have to be nice otherwise, they get stuck with all dramas from their parents. They cant be peaceful. They cant live actually. Some inlaws will make their son's life miserable if their son doesnt cooperate with them. This is the fact. His situation will be still more worse if he goes against them. And according to his conscience, they have brought him up and educated him so well. So he can never go against them. he has to be be nice with them.
    - Hs mind voice
    Please relax. When you have a situation to live with your inlaws you have to be proactive. Since your H is truly good, you please look for the things which make you happy. Otherwise, you cannot come out of the mental groove and stress so easily. Talk with him a lot not as a complaint but as a resolution to sort things out.


     

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