rotten marriage

Dearest 28 year old young lady,
You have lots of reasons to 'SNAP' out of the rut you have gotten yourself into, the first being that you have thought to become a member of IL! Look, as long as we expect someone else to make us happy and fulfilled, we will always be somewhat unhappy and unfulfilled since we have given control & permission to these 'others,' and made them in charge of the most vital part of our being-our cheerfulness! You portray your husband as a cheerless, glum person addicted to digital media--you do not seem very different if you call yourself 'frustrated' and admit that you are not even able to keep your environment cheerful. At least, you have some experience at loneliness because of having been an only child while growing up. I grew up in a warm and caring family, the last doted daughter in a family of ten children and suddenly at age 19 found myself in very cold Ottawa, Canada, with a husband 9 years older and quite involved in his post-doctoral research work with hardly any time to devote to me and when there was in fact some, he would be too tired to stay awake! One day soon, I just wore my wedding finest and walked out into the snow and befriended my next door neighbor who was a young, pale 83 year old widow-the youngest one on the block! I carried home her groceries everyone staring at my brilliant pattuppudavai [kancheevaram silk sari get up] and plum refused the 25 cents she offered me in gratitude with a huge smile. Next, she proceeded to make lunch for me but when she understood I was a vegetarian, she prepared a huge bowl of lettuce shreds, much to my dismay! But, you know, the very next day, she had told her Church memebers about me and a batch of younger people my age stopped by to just say hello and see how I was doing. That was 40 years ago...when a South Indian on Canadian streets was a rare sight-but you are in vibrant NY close to NJ's Little India, etc with a lot more goping on. This world is beautiful and yet is often full of lonesome people. Each person you come across has a story to tell, that is their life if you have eyes to see and ears to hear. Make friends. Lots of them. If for one moment you change the question from "Why doesn't this dumb husband of mine suddenly change into Prince Charming and woo me like I would like to be?" to "How can I draw this man [who is my dear husband and my young child's dad] come out of his shell and enjoy my company? What can I do to see a smile on his face?," you may actually start the change in the situation. But you would have to seriously change the attitude behind your feelings to be able to think like that. We always know what others owe us but do we ever think what we may owe the others in our lives? Extending friendliness and a non-judgemental, unconditional love at least as a basic courtesy, I would think.

Each grown person is responsible for his/her own happiness and then for making the life of at least one other person easier and more enjoyable. Do you think you can start thinking like this? Remeber, it is important for your young toddler daughter to see a happy mother. What others will give us, is in their control but what we can give ourselves and others is in our hands. Let that be simple happiness and not negativity.

Do not predicate your whole existence on your husband and do not now place him under the microscope. Ignore some of the ignorable shortcomings and maximize any good at all you can see-does he bring in a steady income and maintain a good career? If he asks you why you didn't clean the house, just say casually that you were waiting to do that along with him. Just try such things. Do not be afraid. The unexpected some times helps normalize uncomfortable standoffs. Remember, it was an arranged marriage for him also. What were his dreams? Have you asked, as you would a friend? Is there any circumstance when he is relaxed and conversational (you should make more such occasions happen if there are) or, is he the quiet type person (in which case, he will perhaps always be)? Try to truly get to know him better before building up too much of a negative image. In fact you ought to think that he is your special person and that this is your special domain. I hope you are able to understand what I am saying. I hope you will try.

Good Luck on your exam [now, that's a good thing!] and God Bless.