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rotten marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by frustrated, Mar 22, 2007.

  1. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,

    All have given very nice advice. i second/third/.... to change your id.
    the problem today is reading too many romantic books/seeing movies, you just make your own expectations. reality is different.
    You have the attention of your daughter. i know of a couple, who have been married for 20 years and the husband does not talk much, and they were not blessed with a kid. you are not alone....

    but suggestions from personal/observations..
    1. You feel so irritated that you get angry at his asking you about the cleaniness.....Don't. just see if you are neglecting, we tend to when we are preoccupied. may be you were keeping thing more cleaner before, that he notices that it is not clean... but husbands can be dumbheads not analysing /discussing why it is not clean...:cry: .
    2. regarding friends.... you dont need indians, just go out to a park with your daughter, with a smile, and you do get lot of friends. foreigners' also do make good friends.
    3.If you feel he is stuck to the tv, just tell him that we will go out for a stroll, your daughter needs it.... (start with a weekend) .. put all the blame on your daughter... initially he will not want to get out of the couch and shut the idiot box...but it will work.
    4. Most of the homemakers, they say don't have time..don't have time. i try to finish all the heavy work before the weekend. weekends are for family. if i have to entertain, i do it on saturdays. sundays are exclusive for the 4 of us. I dont do washing,cleaning.....whatever. the meal is very simple. so not much cooking. initially it was difficult. but now friends around me also follow.
    5. my husband likes to watch movies. he says he feels relaxed after a tiring day at office. i also just sit with him and watch. sometimes it is difficult. so have an excuse of crochet along...
    6. very personal since you have mentioned... you should have continued with your hugs... even if he does not reciprocate..it will take some time..
    7. we want quality time for the kids. so talk to them in the night before they sleep. then keeping the husbands involved with the kids. they are off from home from 7/8 come home at 7/9.....long hours. we can just keep them updated/involved by quoting what the kids did at home.... (there is an ad on tv.. the father comes home....I forgot...)
    8. Regarding pornography.. views differ. some like a better flavour in their sexual life.. this again you have to discuss with your husband.... (I know of couples who watch pornography together)
    9. Last but not least whether arranged/love marriages you have to work on it. it takes a lot of trial/errors to come to the perfect couple....:wink:

    my 2 cents.
    love
    shanthi
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2007
  2. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Dea Shanthi,
    I loved the way, you have analysed every point & given your view.
    You have written very well, too !
    Yours is not 2 cents, but worth million-dollar. You have given very correct & practical advice. You have given our friend ( I do not like to repeat her id) sane advice on where, she should change heself. I earnestly hope, she reads your post in detail, ponders over it & start implementing.
    We wish her better & happy times, from now on.
    Love,
    Chithra.
     
  3. mythili

    mythili Senior IL'ite

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    Hello frustruated,
    This indeed is a problem that is faced by many girls outside India.. esp the ones who are brought up as single child or small family where the whole attention was on them in their parents house. So you are not alone!

    I do see that IL members have posted some excellent advise on trying your best to spent more time with him and pursue common interests like hobbies or sports.

    One thing I would like to emhasize to you is the fact that you need to set higher goals in your life. You have a long life to live, you should try and make the best use of it. Your husband is not abusive, does not cheat and apparently takes care of you and your child. It is definitely not in our custom to get a divorce just because the husband was not verbal. And you both have a child too. I think you are feeling that happiness for the rest of your life is dependent on your husbands. You need to change that.

    God brought us to this world to fulfill so many roles, not just wifes.
    You have to be a good mom to your child(which you are already doing)
    But be more active, go out with your child, meet other women which children of similar age, arrange play dates, etc. You should also try and spent some time with social work. Where we live, we have so many avenues to help out the poor. There are community services - organizations that help the poor - where you can go in for an hour every month or so and help - from sorting food items/books even cooking. where you are doing school, try and make friends - with whom you do study groups, find people who have similar interests like you.

    You should try your best to get your husband start talking, try to be more intimate proactively and **prove it to him** quality time is what he spents with his family - not TV. Prove it by cooking his favourite meals, playing with your child and doing whatever that makes him happy. During weekends, spent time with him, suggest doing something together or going to the beach.
    He might have lot of work pressure and stress, so he is trying to unwind after reaching home and does not have the energy to have an intellectual talk or intimacy.

    At the same time, the point I am trying to make is this - we girls tend to underestimate our capability to a great extend.. you need to realize your own worth.. you need to start thinking of yourself as an individual capable of contributing something to this world rather than feeling dependent on your partner.
    hope it helps.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2007
  4. preethi27

    preethi27 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi

    I can Understand Ur situation. Even my husband was doing the same thing. Now we both are in different places. Now he feels very lonely & last week when I told him about this. Of course I got married only last june. Now he has started thinking about this. I have seen some of my friends life. Normally they go to big malls where there is play area for children. They will sit opposite to the child & the couple will start sharing their thoughts & fun.

    I feel that U have made one mistake. As soon as U got the child U should asked Ur husband to do some work for Ur child. That too in weekends he can feed his child in bottle, change dress etc some small small help. That would have create some interest with the child atleast. Then slowly, U can ask for Ur help. Onething is, U should not beg him. The other mistake which even I made. On weekends, Urself & Ur hubbi together would have cleaned the house. I normally do all cleaning work by myself. He used to sit & watch T.V or internet in weekends happily. I accept his point that he will be very tried as he is going for work. Atleast to clean the car, U both can talk & do togehter. I also feel lonely during the weekdays & expect friday eve atleast to talk for some more time.


    Every weekend try to go out for mall & shopping together. Talk freely that time. Dont come soon home. If U R planning for another kid, try to make him some work for the child atleast. If possible come to India for few months say 2months atleast. Husband & wife will realise the affection only when they are away for sometime. That time Ur husband has to do all works by himself only. No other go!!

    Take positive actions & dont fight. Talk gently. But dont allow the same thing for long time. I think Ur child is 4yrs old. Take Ur child to some courses with Ur hubbi in weekends. Dont do all things by Urself. Be happy.


    I read in one magazine few yrs before. One lady she was saying some problems like this & felt very bad. The other lady replied her saying, I am widower. I am alone with my kids now.I feel like serving my husband & but I am not. Atleast be happy that U R with Ur husband & able to serve him all times which I am not able to do. Think that god has blessed U atleast this. I really miss my husband presence now. So, dont waste Ur time by thinking unwanted things.
    The same way, I am telling U now. Be happy that U R with Ur husband which I am not now with my husband. Take everything easier & U will get all affections & love from Ur husband soon. Try the above ideas. Dont always ask him for love in words. U try to give the most to him. He will surely hug & kiss U with love soon. Trust god & Ur love. [​IMG]

    Mail me Ur opinions about this.


    Love
    Preethi
     
  5. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear One,

    (I dont want to address you as Dear Frustrated. As vidya suggested you register in some other name and change your ID to something positive)

    I felt really sad reading about your life and marriage. But let me tell you this, that most of the NRI women are in the same hell. Except perhaps those people who went out of India some 20 years ago.

    Here in Madurai there is a family living two streets away from us. I know the boy ever since he was ten. Now he is the US along with his Doctor wife. They do not have any children. The boy will come from at about 8 in the night. Then before doing anything he used to bang his head against the wall and shriek continously for half an hour. His wife would come a little later and she will cry continuously for some one hour before regaining normalcy. Reason: stress at work.

    I am not justifying your husband's attitude. It is callous, to put it mildly. At the same time let me tell you clearly this is not the time to take a serious decision in life - decisions like divorce, moving away another marriage etc.

    I will explain it like this. Last year I had a severe tooth-ache and went to the dentist. The dentist said that the tooth had gone bad and had to be extracted. I shouted, "Do it right away. I cannot bear the pain." The dentist, a man younger to me by 20 years said with a smile. "Sridhar, this is not the time to remove the tooth. We cant simply do it now. Period." "Why?" I shouted. He said, "you are in pain. And so lets wait till the pain goes away. Then decide on the extraction."
    So I was on painkillers for three days. And then the tooth was pulled out. That gave me permanent relief.

    You are in a similar state of pain now. Taking a major life-decision at this stage may only serve to cofound the problems. So I suggest that you first develop some other interest in life, preferably something that will give you an opportunity to move with people, something that will bolster your self esteem and preferably that will give you some income on the side. It could be designing dresses, being a beautician, doing some software work at home, doing yoga, teaching yoga, participating in sites like this .. the list is endless. Over a period of two, three months you will learn to find happiness in yourself.

    Then you can decide -whether to put up with a non-relating husband or move away from him. Any decision taken by you at that time will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life. Only then will you be able to look into all the dimensions of this crucial decision.

    I am sure that the prayers of 4000 plus ILites will always be with you. We shall pray God to bless you with the necessary wisdom and strength to go through this ordeal.

    With Warm regards
    sridhar
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2007
  6. frustrated

    frustrated New IL'ite

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    guys,
    I cant express my gratitude in words !!!! thank you so much for all the support you've given me. i have now realised the underlying problem. i am dependent on him totally. first thing i need to do is take a driving licence, then a job. i believe these 2 things can change my life dramatically. i shall defenitly come back and tell you the outcome once i have them. until then, bye and take care all of u.
    god bless!!
     
  7. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello there,

    I am delighted to hear such positive words from you. It sure is an happy ending to a Sunday evening. My prayers ( and the prayers of all the others here) and best wishes are with you...You go gal, you will come out smiling.

    L, Kamla
     
  8. padmamadhavan

    padmamadhavan New IL'ite

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    Hi there,



    My husband is a workaholic. He will leave to office by 9a.m . some times he will come home for lunch . He will have lunch watching T.V. Then some times he will come for dinner , if not he will come home by 1 am.

    Atleast u can feel the presence of your husband in home. I have a 3 yr old daughter . We two will be alone at home. So dont worry u r in a better position when compared to me. At first i had the same feelings like u .I felt very lonely , now we got used to this. Nowadays we will make him go to office .

    My advise to u is to read the book " Men are from mars and women are from venus" after reading that book i understood a lot ab men. Ucan also read that book online only some pages are available online.

    This is a very practical book it tells abt the mindset of males and female.so plz try to read .Always dont worry be happy......
     
  9. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Goood. that you have realised and analysed your problems. now go ahead with a positive attitude.

    love,
    shanthi.
     
  10. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear friend,

    Very happy to see such a cheerful post from you. I am sure your husband loves you and the baby, he just shows it less. A driving license and job can really liberate any woman. Wishing you all success in all your endeavours. I am sure your next post in IL will be in a new ID brimming with joy.

    affly
    Vidya
     

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