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Romance after Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by NikhatSadir, Feb 3, 2010.

  1. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Nikhat,

    I know how it feels as I was sailing in the same boat a couple of months before.

    I too had a love marriage in January 2009. We used to call each other n number of times per day and that too for couple of hrs while dating. It was a thrilling experience indeed, but I always thought we talk to each other not for thrill but for love.

    My DH used to be very romantic, caring and sharing before marriage. But all of a suddent he turned as a werido and started living his own life after marriage.

    I came to Sudan to resume my job immediately after marriage, but I used to visit India every now and then (once in 2 months) and call/mail/chat with DH whenever possible. But in response, he used to miss my calls, or says he is busy, eating, sleeping, tired... 100s of reasons. But never call me back.

    He rarely sends me e mails on his own, and responds to my loving long e mails in 2 words.

    I wait in front of skype for 3-4 hrs for him to come on line, but most of the time he chats for less than 5 mins.

    Above all, when ever I visit India, he spends lots and lots of times with his friends, or call them for hours, or sits next to his dad and watch TV. Never bothers to talk to me. Can u imagine how much mental torture it was????

    One day, I realised that I don't deserve a life like this? What is the point of living a loveless marriage for the next 40-50 yrs?

    So, I have decided NOT TO GO TO INDIA this time on vacation, instead I visited EGYPT with me colleagues (ladies only). I informed this to my DH as a matter of news, not for his permission.
    I switched off my phone for those 5 days, and called him only once from the hotel where I stayed. No e mails, no chat... Nothing.

    For my surprise, after landing in Sudan I switched on my phone, and its full of his SMS, missed call alerts, and my mail box is filled with his e mails.. what not?

    He stated how he missed me, how he worried about me, and he couldn't even accept how could I go and enjoy a trip without him as I was so used to enjoy everything with him only for the last 5-6 yrs. That clearly indicated how he had taken me for granted.

    Now he calls me daily, many mails, and comes for chat on time... Moreover, we are going to live under one roof permanently after a long time.

    My advice is:- Let your DH miss you for sometimes. Don't ask him for love or romance, rather try to show him that you can still stay happy without him. Don't mind him, and ignore him completely until he comes down and ask you for the reason.

    Your heart knows that you are not going to do anything against him, but let him understand the pain that you are undergoing due to his irresponsible behaviours.

    But make sure, dating and marriage life is different... There are so many other factors to influence in your private life... But why not to try this and see!!!
     
  2. NikhatSadir

    NikhatSadir New IL'ite

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    Thanks Guys for all the suggestions..

    I do try to surprize him.. he feels happy for few min.. and then get back to his normal state.. nothing changes in his life.. with surprizes.. infact.. some times he dosent react also..

    He hardly tries to do any thign special and extra for any of the occasion like birthday's or annerversary.. and what ever he dose.. i looks like its out of compulsion..

    I cant define exactly romance.. but there has to be some spark between the spouses.. which can make life interesting.. you should like tlaking to each other.. and you should find some interest in each other.. and do some thign to make each other happy.. rather than living out of compulsion or as a responsibility..

    I know now.. we cant have same kind of romance like before we got married.. but.. there should be atleast some spark in a relationship.. other wise.. it looses its charm..

    I liked the idea of goin to my parents place.. for few days.. I will try this out..
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2010
  3. NikhatSadir

    NikhatSadir New IL'ite

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    thanks Tugga.. I will definately try this out..:thumbsup
     
  4. tuliplady

    tuliplady Gold IL'ite

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    In my case, its the reverse:bonk We have been together for 4 years now. Earlier I was the romantic kinds (even now I am) but dh was not as much as he is now. He has become more romantic.
    I think one has to keep the spark alive in the relationship. I agree that sometimes routine and monotony creeps in, but you always have the time to make up for it. Few tips which we incorporate in our lives-

    1. Its not always the man's prerogative to be romantic. If the man isnt taking initiative, the woman could lead on.
    2. Once a week you could devote for each other. Be it anything, such as a candlelight dinner at home, a quiet romantic walk one crisp evening, preparing mocktails/cocktails and warming up watching a movie
    3. Surprise him with gifts, movie tickets, concert tickets..or something that excites both of you
    Men get too involved in their work at times. If you start, perhaps the passion might reignite and you will find your same romantic boyfriend in your husband:) Marriage is a lifelong romance, and dont let it fly out of the window!

    EDIT-I hadnt read the OP's follow up message before posting this! So, you have done all this and hubby still does not react much:-(?
    I also feel that a little distance would help. But not so much that you become unreachable:))
    Perhaps, another option will be to plan out a trip some place. A hill station or place like Goa! vacation soothes the soul:)
     
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2010
  5. NikhatSadir

    NikhatSadir New IL'ite

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    Hey guys.. thanks a lot for all the comments...

    But finally I realize.. nothing changes.. the spark goes o ff after getting married..

    Till not all the possible work I did.. but it never comes back..

    Thanks to all...
     
  6. Moumita1

    Moumita1 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi NikhatSadir,

    Its possible to stay married for long and still retain the spark. But there are no safe routes to it. What works for one may not work for another. I, for my side, can say, that me and my DH, we try to snatch as many hours of togetherness as possible, when my child sleeps, or when my ILs are around (we make it a point to catch a late night movie then, just two of us). Also I have realised its extremely important to be supportive of each other, never say a bad word about each other, even in other's absence, and appreciate what we have, rather than what we don't have.
    I hope you get your spark back too. God bless.
     
  7. sindura16

    sindura16 Bronze IL'ite

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    if u keep on cribbing and asking for romanace , men feel suffocated n move away from u...try to be ur self for alittle while n give ur love to him as much as u can...stop asking for romance for 1 week and see the difference ...don't argue and remeber how u behaved when u were before marriage, try to do that sweet talk...

    most of us in LM , we depend on DH for everything for intiation bec we r used to ir in our courtship...so try to rverse it and see...

    he might tried very hard to marry you , he must have gone through lot of sleepless night thinking how to workout n convince parents n everything right...now he might b feeling free as he got you and he has whole world...men tend to take it granted as u r with him for whole life...give him some time to come back...if u keep on asking or fighting , the spark u r talking about will surely go away...

    why do u expect from him...give him ur love...plan nice outings...take him away on sat n sunday so that he won't sit on computer....plan for a place where he can't reach his mobile...

    they r many ways to keep the spark from ur side...try that first....all the best...

    wish u a wonderful married life
     
  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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  9. mrudhula111

    mrudhula111 New IL'ite

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    hi nikhat,
    its u r problem is frequently seen very men.dont get upset.i was married for 5 yrs.in this 5yrs i never felt happy in romance.in first 3yrs i felt like u only, i use to cry at nights, i took sleeping pill at night to sleep alone but nothing is changed.if i discuss about this to my husband , he used to say 'love is differ from romance, i have lots of love on u'.but never understand my feeling.i was started interested on other men who r close to me.then felt shame on myself , kept myself on busy thing went for work.if when never i feel any anything like romance ,i use to sit on internet or read some books which brings me out of that mood or take one sleeping pill to sleep.
    i know it is not a right answer to u r problem, but most of women facing the same which cant be expressed.iam still waiting when my hubby going to understand my problem .really what to do i dont know.
     
  10. arty2010

    arty2010 Bronze IL'ite

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    Maybe your husband is tired of chasing you for 5 years and is taking rest now :) pls ask yourself if he was like this even before marriage ...was there anything else in him other than that he was interested in marrying you.... all marriages need work ...love or arranged... it is bit easier for arranged since not much expetation is there.... whereas in love marriage there is so much history.... but just think of it as a new chapter with your loved one... dont bring up old times... your equation with your husband will change in the future as well when you become parents... so just think of it as a new chapter
     

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