Roles and Boundaries of extended families

Hi friends I want to share my experience with joint family.My father searched for a groom who has many brothers and sisters.As his wish I entered into a family of seven brothers and four sisters.My huband had three elder brothers and three younger brothers also four elder sisters.I started my life living with one of my brother-in-law's family with their four children.As viji said no electronic gadgets gas stove are available those days..At five'o clock me and my co -sister wake up as we have to get water and fill the vessels for cooking and drinking.wash the clothes ,take bath and then enter the kitchen.i know nothing about cooking but I did other works.My routine work was to clean the aduppu(stove made of clay and heated in the kiln) ,remove the ashes and then clean the top with wet cloth and draw a small kolam on it.after this done cooking is started.I help co-sis in cutting vegetables,grinding masalas in ammi ,cleaning the vessels and cleaning the whole house.My co-sis helped her children to get ready to go to school.This is one episode of my early life .I learnt cooking from co-sis and I remember her now.

Then come the next part .My dh is a govt.employee and we had transfer every three years .My dh helped his nephews to get a good education as he has a good tendency to bring more literates in the family.one of my nephew stayed in our house for his studies.He must start at 7am and within that time I have to prepare breakfast and prepare lunch to carry .This was done for three years.Then within nine'o clock my children and my niece leave for school .At 12'oclock I have to sent lunch for them .This continued for so many years and the next round started as my nieces and nephews stayed in my house and went for jobs as we moved to the city.My house was always like a hostel .Now I settled in my native place and live a lonely life.Now and then relatives visit my home .During temple festivals we all meet and have a nice chat ,sit together,eat together and enjoy well.Ifs and Buts are nature in joint family but it wades away as our love and affection are strong.

 

I have been brought up in a nuclear family with no siblings i being the only child . life was good with a lot of pampering from from my parents , actually i never felt the need of anyone else , but today when i am married into a joint family i feel so good , this place is a real heaven , parents , brothers their wives , kids , everyone is around and enjoying , i wish i don't have to ever move out from here .

 

@AnjaliSajith, Anjali dear welcome to IL family and glad to know been brought up in a nuclear family you are married to a joint family and love being there. Its really surprising to hear that from you. In present generation when people like to be in nuclear family its nice toknow that you enjoy in joint family. wish you all the best

 

I come from a joint family with three sons and their families. The head was my great grand mother. My grand father was an obedient son to his mother and my grand mother an obedient daughter-in-law. My grand mother was totally devoted to her mother-in-law as she was her niece (own brother's daughter) before her marriage.
I am the daughter of the second son. In addition to my first cousins, our house in 30, Armenian Street, Madras-1 was always filled with relatives, my father's cousins, distant aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, people from our village, neighboring villages, previous cooks, previous and present domestic help, male servants, etc. It was a mini university where you learnt to love each other, communicate respectfully, serve others, celebrate festivals in a very strict orthodox atmosphere, learnt all the customs, traditions of the family in addition to your regular studies.
After my marriage, moving to Mumbai, slowly I learnt how to live in a nuclear family. I miss my joint family. Our joint family system is a precious heritage whose values need to be preserved and passed on. Fortunately, my children have unconsciously imbibed those values from me. I wish they are also blessed to live in a joint family like me. Of course, some disagreements will be there. These can be amicably settled most of the time.
The last of the remaining previous generation separated after getting their grand children. They regret separating even today. I am in touch with them. When we meet, we are all battery charged and relive the old happy times.

 

o its really fun here . siblings love and care is what i am getting here now

 

wow , that sounds very romantic .

 

Hi,
A family itself means so much to me. I used to live in a kinda joint family with my inlaws living next door. My children would go to grandma's place for every little thing.It was such a big solace to me as my children are in safe hands but as time went by and my job's demands we had to become a nuclear family and it was painful to move away. I always took houses during the course of my transfers in places where some members of my extended family were available so that again I could have some one of my aunts or my husbands aunts nearby so that they could have an eye on my children even though the children went to a nearby creche. I thank everyone of them for the kind help my family members have rendered. My children always had a grandmother or a grandfather near by even if they are not their own. Very safe.
SO relationships were built and today we are all in touch with each other on fb.My children learnt a lot and are very attached to all our relatives.They learnt compassion sharing etc.
Now today when I am on the look out for a match for my daughter I am on the look out for families that have siblings and are still in touch with each other so that the next generation too learns these things. Of course only god knows what is in store for my child.

Thus a lot of positivity can be built in relationships.

 

From my childhood I remember that are living in joint family with members like Maa, Paa , Grandfather , Grandmother, Uncles unmarried, Uncle and aunts etc . We shared a very loving relation with each other . But due to some or the other reason our family had to shift out to some other place and when I was 15 or something we moved out from there and started living like a nuclear family . Now I am a Married women and living jointly with my inlaws and brother in law and his wife . Yes, there are few boundation or you can say that there is opinion difference , obviously not two people can think the same way . But the role of our grand parents and even in-laws our parents is very important in our lives. We learn values, traditions and so many other rituals and other things from them plus when we need some one to talk to share our things or problems , we always have someone to listen to , to guide us or just listen to us . And they are always there on ups and downs every step of our lives. Our children are in right hands when we are out for work and this gives us a sense of security .
The main problem of extended family is that we you are going secretly out with someone , your girlfriend or boyfriend , there are chances of being caught up any of your uncles and aunts. So always take full attention while choosing a place

But I truely believe that extended families are best as we share love and happiness together and it really feel good.

Thanks
Neha Vats

 

As a child, I loved to be with uncles, aunts, grandparents and cousins. It was fun then.
I now understand that joint families work when people have respect for each other, everyone should be valued, noone should try to control others, nobody should consider themselves superior, elder and boss over. There should be willing participation and sharing of household chores, some amount of maturity to let go of bitter experiences, and understand differences.
It will not work for me with the kind of people in my family, there are control issues and ego clashes, makes everyday life very stressful. But I am happy to read this tradition is alive in many families, God bless such families.